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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To get annoyed at having to prompt dh for some money?

537 replies

WomanCalledAlice · 01/03/2013 15:57

I work FT and get paid monthly, dh gets paid weekly. My wage pays the bills/clothes the kids need etc. On a Friday when dh is paid he transfers money straight into my account for groceries. Today he transferred £100 so I went to Tesco and spent £70 on food for the week and put the other £30 in the meter for electric.

Now it's my friends birthday today and I'd like to buy her something nice and also my other friend had a baby on Monday so would have liked to buy her a little gift.

Every week it's more or less the same, he transfers money over but I just never have enough. When I ask him for more money he usually says "did you spent the whole £100"? But he always transfers more over its just the fact he questions me and I don't think I should have to ask.

I'm not out buying luxuries for myself (I wish) I'd just like a little bit of cash in my purse. AIBU?

I almost feel guilty for asking him Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 04/03/2013 13:25

Thank you for your kind messages :)

I had to go into work for a few hours, worse luck. Was hoping I didn't need to socialise with a bruised face and 20 questions. Just going to look for a lawyer now and start the ball rolling, with my first priority safeguarding the children.

OP posts:
HansieMom · 04/03/2013 15:26

Do take a picture. Is your vision okay? Eye still painful? And was he arrested, I never saw that he was.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 04/03/2013 16:12

I haven't heard a thing from the police, I'm waiting on a callback from them just now.I've taken pictures of my my eye and cheek.

Today is not a good day. I can't face eating, due to not eating I feel shaky, my head hurts and I feel anxious. I can't concentrate on doing anything and im just pacing the floor not knowing what to do with myself. The kids have went to after school club even though I'm not at work and I feel guilty. (Ds1 has gone to his friends) I feel like I've let them down :(

I don't normally do self pity!

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 04/03/2013 16:20

More ((((((((((((((((( and soft Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))) Brew

blackcurrants · 04/03/2013 16:21

You are doing really well, don't feel guilty about a thing. Can you face some sweet tea or a coke? A glass of milk or cup of soup?

I can't believe the police are being so crap. Hope someone more helpful is along soon.

HansieMom · 04/03/2013 16:26

I wish you would try eating. Otherwise, he is getting too much of your headspace, and he is not worth it. Maybe something comforting, like tomato soup? Then you could curl up with your dog.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/03/2013 16:32

Wow - I've been following this too and you are one brave woman!
You have most certainly NOT let them down.
You are doing everything you have to to protect them and their welfare!
I know how you feel with the pacing etc... It will take time - so let it.

You are allowed some self pitty - what you have been through, you can feel sorry for yourself.
You'll soon pick yourself up and sort it all out.
I wish you all the best for the future and your bright new start in life.
You will soon meet someone that will allow you to trust men again and who will love and respect you.
((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) from me too!

Lueji · 04/03/2013 16:39

Don't feel bad at all.
Sometimes you have to take care of yourself, so that you can better take care of the ones you are in charge of.

Hugs.

MmeThenardier · 04/03/2013 16:44

Alice have you heard from the police since yesterday? Is it worth ringing and asking if he's been charged with assault yet and if not when? You had a witness after all, shouldn't be complicated.

They just sound a bit flaky, turning up hours after you ring them and not getting back to you. A gentle reminder followed by escalating this to demonstrate this is serious even if he is one of their mates

FelicityWasCold · 04/03/2013 16:51

You are doing so so well. We are with you. And you are so brave.

CremeEggThief · 04/03/2013 16:58

How you are feeling is normal, Alice, after the huge shock of the last three days. The adrenalin kept you going. Now you need to curl up and crash. If you're anything like I was, you will be glad to have the time the kids are at school to grieve/cry/scream/shout, etc.

blackcurrants · 04/03/2013 17:01

I think it's worth ringing the police again, and asking about when you get assigned your domestic violence case worker - or just bloody asking them what their domestic violence services ARE!

You would be quite within your rights to get a bit shirty with them, IMO. You have a witness, he assaulted you, you need to know you are safe in your own home.

Darkesteyes · 04/03/2013 17:46

Hi Alice. You are doing so well... I am as fucking angry with the police as i am with your ex. What the fuck are they playing at? Where is your domestic case worker? Why are they not keeping you updated. Why have they left you waiting all this time. I live in the town where a VERY VERY serious incident occured a couple of years ago (Christine and Shania) and the police swore then that "lessons will be learned" Seems to be their spiel every time.

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 04/03/2013 18:47

He was taken in and charged last night. Would have been nice to have been informed sooner. They gave me contact details for DV support service in my area. They called just as I was going to pick the children up so was a bit of a rushed conversation.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/03/2013 18:54

Glad he has been charged x

CremeEggThief · 04/03/2013 19:50

Glad to hear it. Hope it teaches him a lesson.

hugoagogo · 04/03/2013 19:50

So sorry to hear how this has panned out whilst I was at work.

It's really important to look after yourself, please try and eat something.

I have a feeling that the one of the first things your solicitor will do is to ask you to have this thread deleted.

You might want to think about asking now, so details of any case are not publicly available online.

Yfronts · 04/03/2013 21:56

Thats good he has been charged. Just take things one at a time. Believe you can get through this and you will. You deserve better.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/03/2013 22:06

Did they explain about he bail conditions?

He should have been given formal instructions to keep away from you.

If he does not follow these instructions he will have breached his bail conditions, if this happens even if he's nice as pie to you call 999 as breaching bail is usually a arrest and straight to court thing.

Imaginethat · 04/03/2013 22:06

Hi Alice, I'm glad to hear he has been charged. I doubt you feel like rejoicing though. Horrible to face the fact that the person you shared your life with is such an all-round loser.

Try to eat something, or even one of those meal shake drinks. Else you might get sick on top of everything. Eat & drink. Keep things simple. Definitely do not entertain guilt about the dc being at after school club. That was a v good decision. x

Follyfoot · 04/03/2013 22:18

Alice, have just read your thread. I dont want to scare you any more than you are already but I've been through something similar to you and the escalation of his behaviour is ringing some alarm bells. Could you stay away from your home for a while? Also could you get some urgent advice regarding obtaining an injunction (with the power of arrest)?

It would be good - as has been said - to know exactly what his bail conditions are. Could the police install some sort of alarm for you? I had one which alerted all local officers.

The important thing is to keep yourself and your family safe. Take care x

Original poster
WomanCalledAlice · 04/03/2013 22:21

The police asked if he had contacted me since last night which he hasn't. They said if he does then to contact them straight away.

I've been trying to read online about things like him applying for access to the children and things but I can't concentrate. My parents have been trying to speak to me all day but no words will come out. I feel like I'm suffocating and I have a massive black cloud over my head. I'm scared to go out incase I see him. I know I've got loads to organise and sort out but I can't summon the energy to do it.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 04/03/2013 22:31

Alice, everything can wait. You have to put yourself first now. Rest as much as you can, spend time cuddling your children and try to start eating whatever tempts your fancy (maybe take a good multi-vitamin to support your immune system). You are still in shock. Everything else can wait.

WafflyVersatile · 04/03/2013 22:41

Well done, Alice. You're coping very well.

Maybe buy a couple of those Dunn's river nourishment drinks or slimfast or any old milkshake for when you can't manage to eat.

IneedAsockamnesty · 04/03/2013 22:47

Don't fret about stuff like that yet that can wait for now, you don't need to do anything with regard to that yet.

You need to know his bail conditions as it can be much harder getting a none mol when bail conditions are already in place.

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