Why are so many men so selfish and entitled in bed?

[Frizzbonce]

I don't mean rape or assault or any kind of sex where abuse is involved.

What I mean is the kind of really rubbish sex where you lie there afterwards feeling twitchy and resentful I've been thinking back over all the bad sex I've had. Sadly a lot of it was because I didn't think I was entitled to expect good sex and even when I did start understanding what I wanted and tried to gently encourage, I still encountered men who would

Go straight from a brief tongue jab to nipple twiddle followed by a quick check down there to see if I was 'ready'.

Twiddle my nips in bored fashion as though trying to locate Latvian Radio
Fiddle with my ladyparts in manner of Doing Me a Favour or trying to remove a stain from blazer

The absolute worst sex ever was when I was briefly dating a doctor. I should have guessed at his manners when he wandered out of the restaurant and peed up against the side of the wall while howling like a wolf. I was only twenty - that's my excuse. He also possessed an extensive collection of 'video nasties' and in his bedroom was a very well thumbed copy of the Marquis de Sade's Forth Days of Sodom. There was no foreplay and he kept his socks on. It really hurt me because I wasn't ready at all and I asked him to stop. He said: 'Are you a virgin - is that why you're so dry?' Something snapped and I got out of bed got dressed and went home.

Now I've been with DP for several years and I could tell he was going to be fabulous from the moment we kissed and he was and he still is. It's because my pleasure is his pleasure too. It's really not that difficult. Like women and take some time to turn them on. Why, with all the information out there are some men still so entitled and selfish in bed?

Goodnight yes, I have found the same thing with some men, the more I seem to be enjoying it the less able he is to hold back..arent they supposed to learn to distract or control themselves fgs??

Imagine what a man would do if you just got astride him 'rode' him until you'd come (for the sake of this thought experiment imagine you can easily orgasm like this after 3 minutes:o)
and then got off just as he's started to enjoy it..he'd be gutted, wouldn't he?

...and when you get off you mutter 'sorry..havent had it for a while' before going to sleep/turning on the tv/making a sandwich etc

Goodnight I think I proper long session every couple of weeks is totally fair enough. Not sure what you can do about it though......just makes sure he gives you lots of lovely foreplay beforehand I guess.

Mercury, that would never happen but I've been tempted to do that

Been reading this thread with interest as I am experiencing some of the exact same problems.. where do I sign up for the support group . DP is lovely in every way but sex is a bit, well, lame. The main problems are
-We hardly ever go to bed at the same time
-I have a higher sex drive than him
-We have teenagers and a rubbish-sleeping toddler in the house meaning child free time is non existent

• We don't do it often enough (maybe 1-2 times a month) so when we do, he comes much too quickly before I have even got started. When I once had a huff over this, he basically said not to make an issue over it as it would turn it into a even bigger problem. This basically shut the door over any further discussion of the matter.

Shit, reading that back it looks like a huge list of problems! To begin to sort this out I am proposing 2 things to start.. a strict 'no children entering the bedroom if the door is shut' rule and secondly, a hold on penetrative sex for a while. I am perfectly able (and love to) orgasm without penetration and if he wants to orgasm well, it will have to be without penetration too!

Any more advice anyone? Can't believe I am discussing my sex life on a forum but things have to change!

I'm thinking of saying no piv sex for the next few times. Maybe that way p will have to use his imagination more and we can have more fun.

Yeah sounds good TheUndesireable. I am going for that approach too. Although DP is bloody ill today so won't be starting tonight!

DH actually likes longer sex than I do...I like foreplay for a long time but when it comes to actual piv, I come fairly quickly and then just want to be done.

Good luck Winter I hope it has some good effect. I'm definitely doing it this time, I've been saying to myself for ages to but always give in at the time. Need to follow through!

This thread has made me sad for women who've never experienced the joy of wonderful sex...DH always makes sure I'm satisfied first every single time. Always has done. Oral sex is something we occasionally do for each other. We were both confident with our own bodies before we met each other, and I think this has a lot to do with how amazing the sex will be as a couple. You have to be confident and know what pleases you as individuals, and intimacy as a couple will flow much easier.

Must also add that DH has suffered from retarded ejaculation in the past, but we've worked through this and he is able to ejaculate after 10-15 mins of penetrative sex. Never known what sex is like with a partner who suffers from premature ejaculation. Ex BF was another retarded ejaculator!

What is retarded ejaculation please ?

My ex once complained I wasn't 'enthusiastic' enough in bed. It was true, and attributable to the fact that we always had sex without kissing, without foreplay, and in the same 'spoons' position until he came.

Now, I'm in a BDSM relationship with a lovely kind man, and his entire focus seems to be on making me happy in sex - and he laughs that I'm 'insatiable'.

Of course, I have to accept some of the blame in my earlier relationship - for not refusing to have sex (I did try telling him I wasn't enjoying it, but he didn't much care).

I think the 'vanilla' world could learn a lot from the way that people in BDSM or 'kinky' relationships talk about their needs/wants/limits before doing 'playing'.

And safewords for vanilla sex would be good.

Spoonful -

That is dreadful to read FastLoris, that you believe men usually find non-PIV sex boring but are willing to go through it if they love their partner, like a chore!

I never said they "find non-PIV sex boring" per se. What I wrote was specifically about "long drawn out foreplay" - and maybe I should have been clearer, but what I meant by that was the expectation that it always has to go on for literally hours.

I enjoy non-PIV sex perfectly happily, but I've been in a relationship with that level of expectation and I'm sorry, but it was boring. I don't see why that difference in sexual tastes is any more "dreadful" than any other difference in tastes in a relationship. Or for that matter more dreadful than the various posters on this thread who have admitted having a certain amount of "meh" sex because it satisfies their partner and doesn't particularly bother them. Why is it OK not to dislike because it's too short, but not OK to dislike it because it's too long?

There's a wierd idea that when people love each other they instantly become fully sexually compatible and stay that way forever. It ain't so - people are different, in that as in anything else. Of course how you deal with that difference is part of what makes or breaks a relationship.

And of course, if you happen to enjoy an unusually high degree of compatibility on that score in your relationship, then that's great!

Sorry I meant "Why is it OK to dislike because it's too short, but not OK to dislike it because it's too long"? Convoluted series of negatives...

"the expectation that it always has to go on for literally hours"

Fast, was that only in one relationship you found that?

One relationship particularly, yes.

There's obviously a general pattern that women need sex to last longer to be satisfying than men. But in most relationships I've been in, the difference has not been too great to be solvable with communication and compromise.

It's just the 'literally hours' part that surprised me. If sex (PIV or non-PIV) went on that long, I'd think it was cos both parties were really into it and there to be orgasms involved on both sides.

Unless of course you were dating Trudi Styler

The sense of entitlement emanating from the OP is enough to make paint blister.

If you expect to lie there and think of England you deserve everything you get (or don't get as the case may be).

FastLoris, I read it that you felt the sex women in general wanted was too boring for men in general, because they'd see foreplay (which is often all the non PIV sex necessary to bring the woman to orgasm) as long and drawn out.

Which I do think is dreadful, but if you didn't mean that that's fair enough!

Toad, where in the OP was anything said that made you think "ooh, sense of entitlement?"

The idea of literally hours of foreplay with 2 children and 2 jobs is frankly laughable. When on earth do you find the time ?

Personally i don't see any entitlement in the OP. Frustration and exasperation, yes.

I do think there is scope for a mix up here between posts saying "men should last longer and do more" and "my man has been asked to do more occasionally but wont/cant/doesn't understand".

The hope is, especially in a long term relationship, that 2 people will come together and more or less match in sex drive and style most of the time. There are millions of different sex drives and styles. And yes, each person will fluctuate from week to week too.

It's a big ask to promise to have sex with only one person for the rest of your life, and if it's wrong between you - it's going to fester. Recognising the usual peaks and troughs for what they are is important i think. Sometimes it is a simple matter of logistics - kids around, tiring work schedule, got into a rut etc. However when you see a pattern emerging over a long time. and despite trying things are not improving, it can feel like a bad thing to 'make an issue' of it. As winter found with her DP. Faced with the choice of a clumsy conversation which may not be well received, or carrying on with the status quo, it can be easier to keep chickening out of the 'talk' and carry on fretting :(

I'm wondering now if my DH suffers from premature ejaculation to some extent. Perhaps this, coupled with a natural tendancy to rush at things (he bolts his food and has is not good at being patient with 'fiddly jobs') means that he just isn't good at imaginative sex.

In reference to love's post about vanilla sex, and trying something different forcing dialogue, i agree. We 'play games' a bit. He likes to tie me to the bed sometimes for eg. There's been a bit of 'nasty sex'. Name calling/biting. The latest one is DH pretending to break in to the house wearing a balaclava. My idea . He was happy to do it and it was a laugh. So he can see the fun side of sex, as well as the race to the finish line.

IrnBru it's interesting that you say you have no problems and also that your partner has suffered with retarded ejaculation - having to work to get to the point where he ejaculates after as little as 15 minutes. My DP works hard to last as long as 15 minutes. Add in the fact that a good position for me is a dead cert. for him to come within moments.

mercury once, when DH took a particularly quick quickie and i had been expecting a bit more, i threw a strop and said something along the lines of 'oh great you're done then! How would you feel if i came and left you high and dry and went to sleep'. He got cross and said 'oh whatever', which left me seething. Then the next day he apologised for the quickie and the 'oh whatever', and since then he has been a leetle bit better in terms of thinking before letting himself finish.

It would be interesting to see any input from a guy here who has had trouble 'lasting' and being creative.

Just cringing at my comparison with fiddly jobs and good sex there.
You know what i mean don't you?

Are there really men who finish first, know that they have and still go to straight to sleep without so much as a "anything else you'd like, darling?"

Didn't they read Cosmo?!