Who is in the right?

[DSM]

I am on my phone so will try to keep brief but not drip feed..

DP and I have just had a big row. Some facts: we don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as I work shifts. He doesn't see his friends as much as I see mine. Neither of us go out drinking often, but I do more than him.

In the past 9 days I have had 4 nights out. All have been planned for a long time, all were without him and all happened to be around the same time.

He spent the weekend cooking batches of food. I came home after a few drinks on two occasions and ate a lot of it. Today I basically ate the rest

He is livid. Furious that I have had 4 nights out in quick succession, furious that I have spent a lot of money, furious that I ate all the food and he has to cook again tonight. He says I don't consider him and I am being selfish.

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry, and I didn't agree with the other points as it was coincidental that 4 planned events were close together; this is not the norm!

He is very angry - to the point of threatening to leave which he won't but he's never said anything like that before, nor have I.

I think he is hugely overreacting, but I need some opinions.

Bradley Wiggins doesn't work a 60 hour week and he's rich so he can afford to go off for romantic breaks with his wife.

The sport is only one aspect of the lack of time. I think the shift work would really kill it for me - it's not just that there's no time to get away or spend together it's that they hardly even clap eyes on each other for days at a time. The op is a very sorted-out person with a good social life so perhaps feels less lonely than the dp.

I do see your point, Spero and Cinnarbar. But in the OP's shoes I would feel very sad to be told I had to choose between my sport and my relationship.

I totally understand that people have to work or have compelling hobbies they want to engage with. But when your partner is literally crying out for attention and telling you loud and clear something has to change, then if you value that relationship, you stop and you listen and you at least try to make things different.

If you suspect your partner is in fact a manipulative loser who jus wants to put the brakes on the wonder the is you then your solution is simple.

I think it is desparately sad that so many people seem to just sleepwalk into the end of their relationship

Tumble, sorry that is tough. That's life. If your partner wants more than you can give, the relationship can't work. You pick your priorities in life. Why on earth should someone hang around and wait for you if they find it makes them miserable? Find a partner who doesn't mind or who will go cycling with you.

It is one thing to ask to spend more time together, because you're drifting apart or something like that.
Another is to say I'm not worthy of you and I'm afraid you'll leave, and for that reason I've threatened to leave.

The mention of a red flag was only in relation to something DSM said, which is indeed considered a red flag. Whether he really puts her on a pedestal or not, is another matter.

However, I'd agree that you could try and make some more time together, but that could include socialising together.
Do you always go out separately?

Regarding socialising, how much is too much?
If you see friends/family more than your partner, then I'd think it is too much, yes.
At the same time, you don't want to lose them and at some point realise you have no one to turn to.

Okay. Where to begin..

What I definitely do not agree with is that there is 'no point' in me having a relationship. We love each other. We are making a life together, one that we intend to last until we are old. Sport will not; it has a limited lifespan. So does ones career. Partners are for life.

We don't see each other sometimes for days at a time, true. But I know plenty of couples where one works away mon-fri. At least we have short opportunities. We also call and text, we don't ignore each other.

I'm not unwilling to make time - indeed I said earlier that I am going to look at possibly changing one shift per week at work so we can have a dedicated night together.

We don't see family alone, we tend to see them together as a family. I see my friends probably three times a month on average; I have different groups of friends so try to see each group once a month-ish. We see his (one group) probably every other month avg. Sometimes alone, sometimes together. That tends to depend on babysitters.

We've already made a plan to go for lunch tomorrow in his lunch hour. We haven't done that before - and it was his suggestion.

Thank you for all the helpful posts.

I hope you have a lovely lunch - sounds like a good way forward.

DSM - do you have enough room to actually host people coming round - if you do, perhaps you might consider having a reasonably regular evening in when you invite one of your 'groups' (whether that's one of 'yours' or 'his') for supper - ideally if people could bring something - eg desert, salad etc to make things easier - and that would mean you wouldn't have need of a babysitter either. We used to go round to friends on a regular basis like this - children would be in PJs when we arrived and soon settled into bed (or baby in moses basket nearby) and it made for a really nice evening, not expensive, not overly alcoholic, but good. It meant that they were 'our' friends not just 'my' friends.

mistle - yes, we do have people round for dinner and things, but again it's timing. Probably happens twice a year. And just to clarify - we don't consider his friends 'his' and my friends 'mine', they are all 'our' friends but obviously we differentiate when discussing them. I guess if I was talking about the actual individuals I would specify 'my' or 'his' friend, but including their partners.. I'd call them our friends.

Any chance that you could perhaps move the odd 'out' socialisation to a similar one DSM? Some of your friends might completely understand the need to do this given your sport commitments. It doesn't have to be highbrow (we did 'bring a course' on a regular basis that worked very well).

BTW - re food in the fridge - I outlined the scenario to DH yesterday evening - he raised an eyebrow and confirmed that he would much prefer me to use up something in the fridge (particularly if I was rushing off to something else) because that meant that he didn't have to have the same food but could cook something 'new' for himself

thrush, part of the issue here is that OH hadn't even had the food once yet. :)
The food was not leftovers.

Oh, and the lunch seems a good idea. :)

You should really take every opportunity.

Ah - I thought he'd 'batch' cooked ie done enough for more than one meal. TBH I don't see the point in cooking 'two' portions of 'chilli' or whatever - if you're going to cook it you may as well cook enough for at least the meal following and a second lot - and if there are two adults in the household that's a minimum of 4 portions even if the child doesn't eat it. Particularly chilli actually as its always better after a day or so in the fridge.

And no, I knew it wasn't leftovers and was counting on it being proper portions of proper food that was a proper meal - but then the OP was having a proper meal eating it (OK, she may well have eaten more than one portion but if you're doing that amount of serious sport I should think that you can sometimes get a bit hungry).

I've not been called that before .... I think I prefer mistle as it avoids the opportunity to be compared to an illness!

What kinds of things does he do for you that make you happy? These are likely to be the kinds of things he would actually like you to do for him (so in the same way that you bought him a pack of his favourite sweets, I suspect that if he did that for you, then you would feel appreciated/loved by him).
He might like you doing things for him, whether it's making a cup of tea or something more extravagant. He might like physical contact (hugs or more), or he might like 'words of affirmation' etc etc - basically we all respond differently to different 'languages of love' and don't necessarily 'see' what others are doing for us if it's not in our language (IYSWIM?!) - a bit rambly but there's logic in there somewhere.