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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the right?

165 replies

DSM · 25/02/2013 19:48

I am on my phone so will try to keep brief but not drip feed..

DP and I have just had a big row. Some facts: we don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as I work shifts. He doesn't see his friends as much as I see mine. Neither of us go out drinking often, but I do more than him.

In the past 9 days I have had 4 nights out. All have been planned for a long time, all were without him and all happened to be around the same time.

He spent the weekend cooking batches of food. I came home after a few drinks on two occasions and ate a lot of it. Today I basically ate the rest Blush

He is livid. Furious that I have had 4 nights out in quick succession, furious that I have spent a lot of money, furious that I ate all the food and he has to cook again tonight. He says I don't consider him and I am being selfish.

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry, and I didn't agree with the other points as it was coincidental that 4 planned events were close together; this is not the norm!

He is very angry - to the point of threatening to leave Hmm which he won't but he's never said anything like that before, nor have I.

I think he is hugely overreacting, but I need some opinions.

OP posts:
iMyself · 26/02/2013 07:11

Bit of a none issue really that's been made into an issue due to strains on money and time.

I mean lets face it you eat two meals not like you scoffed food meant for everyone for the next fortnight.

Though saying that he's more right to be peed off than you but he did over react. Have to say though a suggestion of a take away would have helped me if Dh had done what you'd done as my over reaction would have been caused by the effect ef of the cost of the nights out so extra money on a take away would help!

Have to say though a take away is certainly a treat to those whose finances are low!

Lueji · 26/02/2013 07:24

I'm just curious, though, what do/did your children eat?

mummyplum1 · 26/02/2013 08:32

I cross posted with your post about having made up. That's good news.

Of course, you know your DP better and know whether a takeaway would feel like a treat to him or not. It just wouldn't to me as I don't like them much and, to be honest, the whole tone of the text sounds patronising to me but people communicate with their partners in different ways so perhaps that is what works for the two of you.

I do know about shift work thanks. I have done plenty of anti social hours and shifts too and have still managed to feed myself. You sound a little defensive.

Anyway, good that you see eye to eye again.

Original poster
DSM · 26/02/2013 08:34

Shift work is permanent, I've done it for 13 years and it will always be an issue but one we have to deal with.

We do have 'time' together before next Tuesday, but that's the next time we will both be in at dinner time. I'm on a later start (8pm) so we'll have from 5.30 when he gets home, to 7.30 when I leave. So we can eat together.

We have one DS, and he eats various things? We tend to not eat with him (DP does quite often, I don't. I can't eat at 4.30pm and be out at work all night. I have to eat later) and he usually has what we have. He eats very small portions though so isn't an issue. Why?

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 26/02/2013 08:38

Apologies mummyplum I can be quite defensive sometimes, I'm not sure why. I was honestly just explaining as often people seem to not get why I am asleep til 2pm, and I get a lot of 'lazy' comments which bother me. I think most people assume one is up during the day, regardless.

Even the postman does it Hmm

OP posts:
Spero · 26/02/2013 08:46

I think posing question 'who s right' is a bad sign. You shouldn't be focusing on who s 'right'. He was upset, you either care enough to acknowledge that and make it better, or you can put your energies into proving who is 'right'.

Original poster
DSM · 26/02/2013 09:07

If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here Hmm

I apologised. He flew off the handle. I then felt I shouldn't pander to that behaviour, but didn't want to make the situation worse as i was in the wrong. I came looking for advice which I got. He has since apologised - yes, the issue that occurred was my fault, but his reaction was unnecessary and we've all agreed that now.

OP posts:
mummyplum1 · 26/02/2013 09:11

No problem at all DSM.
I do know that shift work can be crap, can wreck havoc with your sleeping/ eating and can mean that you have less time to spend with family and friends.

I was only disagreeing with the assertion that you can't cook because of shift work (unless you are out of the house for 16 hours perhaps).

Hope you manage to spend a lovely evening with your DP.

Lueji · 26/02/2013 09:51

I'd also suggest that cooking on purpose to save the meals later on not a very effective strategy, and, as here, a possible recipe for disaster.
It works out better to cook for a meal the same day, leaving extra portions for another day later in the week.
If you end up eating those left overs it doesn't feel so much as taking advantage, as if you eat it all and he doesn't even have a chance to have any.

But if you are awake from 2p to later in the evening, yes, you can cook something. Including, as suggested above, making more than you need and leave some good portions for you and your DP later on.

Spero · 26/02/2013 09:58

I agree you care, but do you care more about being right?

Why are you so keen to get agreement that he 'flew off the handle'? He was upset. Maybe it was reasonable, maybe it wasn't. I don't think that is the point. You agree that your behaviour was enough to upset him - it would have upset me. So to focus on the over reaction isn't helpful. Is my view.

Jayne266 · 26/02/2013 09:59

I think you are in the wrong and 4 nights out on the run when you haven't seen your DH much doesn't sound nice. I would have at least cancelled and made a night for me and dh.

twinklesparkles · 26/02/2013 10:03

You are wrong

bestsonever · 26/02/2013 10:13

Hmm you can arrange shifts around 4 nights out fine, but then you only get 2 hours in together next Tues? Odd priorities there.
Then you had till 4pm on Monday to suss that you had no other food in other than what he cooked and at no point considered procuring your own somewhere (is this right, you already said you were up at lunchtime as you ate some then too, so between lunch and 4...?).
I work shifts, if on a first night it's not necessary to sleep in all day before it (I was at uni all day so couldn't and have just got in from my night (still found time to cook DS his tea before work).
Right, off to bed now as I have to get up to pick DS from school in a few hours, then take to football practice- because I can't and don't take him for granted.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/02/2013 10:26

You having painstakingly explained it all now, and in particular the importance/relevance of the 4 nights out in quick succession, and why it was important to go (I would have gone to).

Might add, with all this hard shift work you do, I am not surprised you are starving! Most of us have gannitted out on stuff we shouldn't have, and as you have said to him, you are sorry and you've put it right.

We all over eat and over-react at times because we are human beings.

You'll have a good laugh about this soon.

All the best!

Original poster
DSM · 26/02/2013 12:04

bestson I don't have odd priorities normally. This was a one-off thing - I happened to have 4 uncancellable events on close together. I didn't choose the dates. Later in the year we have 4 weekends in a row where we are at weddings. It's annoying, only one is child friendly so we've got DS staying at GP's for three weekends of a month. It's not ideal, and not the norm but sometimes life happens and you just get on with it.

I don't really understand the shifts you work, what's the 'first night'? I don't sleep in all day (I hate this phrase, sleep in..) as I haven't gone to bed until 8.30am approx. I don't then consider sleeping until 2pm a 'sleep in'. It's just sleep!

Anyway, I did agree that it was short sighted of me not to have planned my evening meal yesterday, hence having to take the last of the cooked food to work, leaving none for DP. It was my own fault, and I have said from the OP that I was wrong for this!

Thanks keepcool - I hope you are right. Ill be having a chat with him later as I'm on a split shift today so will see him for a while from 9-10.30. Hopefully all will be well.

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 11:48

Hello all

I don't want to start a new thread and have to explain again, so with the fear of having people already thinking I am selfish and what have you, I am bravely going to continue here as I really do need some more advice.

We had a chat last night. Basically, he has said that he isn't bothered about the being out 4 times of late, nor he food eating as he says its totally understandable if a little irritating. He apologised for being so OTT about it all but..

He says he feels like he isn't good enough. He says, we often hear people comment 'DSM is so cool' and he feels inadequate, and is basically worried I am going to leave him for someone more 'like me'.

We are very different, and he is quite geeky but I like that. He can be a little socially awkward, whereas I am the absolute opposite. I am, I guess, quite 'cool'; I have a creative job, I play an extreme sport (for the country) I dress in a style I like to call 'quirky rock' (Grin) and I have brightly dyed hair. He works in an office (financial), plays rugby (which I think is cool) dresses very plainly and has no unusual distinguishing features.

I could give you all his good points, but I won't. Just in the interest of anyone saying I am putting him down, as I am not. He is wonderful, makes me laugh, is a wonderful stepdad and treats me so well.

I've told him to make more effort, as he complains that we don't spend enough time together yet he never organises anything. Ever. He's never once booked a restaurant or anything. He bought flights for us to Paris once a few years ago, for a Christmas gift for me.. Amazing, lovely gift. But he left the hotel/transport etc all up to me to do. He says he will endeavour to do this (I'm looking forward to a surprise night out now!) but what else can I do to stop him feeling so insecure?

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 11:50

Sorry I realise that reads quite curtly but I am at work

OP posts:
Lueji · 27/02/2013 11:57

It seems that he has self esteem issues, or at least is feeling insecure.

Could he work on that?

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 12:05

Yes, I want him to. I'm just not sure how to help?

Obviously I will try little things (I brought him home a packet of his favourite sweets) and ill make more effort to be affectionate.. But what else can I do to help him not feel like this?

I'm Sad that he thinks he isn't good enough.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 27/02/2013 12:21

It's got to come from him really, hasn't it? It's no good him saying "I feel bad. It's your fault for being great" What the hell are you supposed to do with this information? Hmm

yellowbrickrd · 27/02/2013 12:42

He sounds a bit manipulative doesn't he? Threatening to leave you one day, saying you're too good for him the next. Yes, you can do little things if you think to make sure the affection is there but if he feels inadequate and doesn't know how to take the initiative it's unfair to put it on you.

Two 'big' characters together would probably be a nightmare, the point is you complement each other. You are keeping a family together in difficult circumstances, working hard and making sacrifices, that in itself should tell him how much you value the relationship.

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 12:43

True.. I guess that's my issue now. I don't know what to do with this information.

We have a weekend away together in May, I'm just worried he'll get upset again before this. I have a few things on before then and I'm already thinking of which ones I can cancel, and that's not right. We are both independent and not really 'coupley', never have been, though now I'm thinking maybe he needs to be after all?

I want to help, I can't just say 'this is your self esteem issue so go and sort it out'

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 12:49

Thanks yellowbrick, yeah I agree it's unfair to put it on me, I did say that to him and he agreed.

I don't think he was at all manipulative - he was in tears and was genuinely sorry for saying what he'd said the day before. He just said he was feeling so low and unhappy about himself that he wanted to leave. I think he thought I would want that too, being that he felt he wasn't good enough for me. He says he was worried I was bored of him.

I will make sure I pay him more attention but sometimes it feels a bit.. Suffocating? That's not fair, a bit harsh, but it can feel a bit overwhelming that he can't just 'be' there and live contentedly alongside my hectic and 'cool' lifestyle.

Maybe I am being too selfish? Maybe I am trying to fit too much into my life that doesn't suit him, hence we aren't together a lot.

We are so very different people, but our morals are the same and our hopes and plans for the future are too.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 27/02/2013 12:52

He's not feeling guilty and like a worm, is he? If you see what I mean...

yellowbrickrd · 27/02/2013 13:07

Maybe manipulative isn't the right word...then again maybe it is. You're being made to feel you should reign yourself in, do less outside the relationship in case you make him feel upset again.

Anyway, not sure what the answer is but I do think you can say that he needs to sort it out himself even if you don't phrase it in that way.