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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the right?

165 replies

DSM · 25/02/2013 19:48

I am on my phone so will try to keep brief but not drip feed..

DP and I have just had a big row. Some facts: we don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as I work shifts. He doesn't see his friends as much as I see mine. Neither of us go out drinking often, but I do more than him.

In the past 9 days I have had 4 nights out. All have been planned for a long time, all were without him and all happened to be around the same time.

He spent the weekend cooking batches of food. I came home after a few drinks on two occasions and ate a lot of it. Today I basically ate the rest Blush

He is livid. Furious that I have had 4 nights out in quick succession, furious that I have spent a lot of money, furious that I ate all the food and he has to cook again tonight. He says I don't consider him and I am being selfish.

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry, and I didn't agree with the other points as it was coincidental that 4 planned events were close together; this is not the norm!

He is very angry - to the point of threatening to leave Hmm which he won't but he's never said anything like that before, nor have I.

I think he is hugely overreacting, but I need some opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 21:45

I'm not drip feeding, I'm just answering questions.

And this isn't actually in AIBU so whilst I appreciate your comments, I was really looking for some perspective, not to be told IABU. I know I was unreasonable.

cheddar yeah, sadly it is like that a lot of the time Sad

OP posts:
kalidanger · 25/02/2013 21:46

OK, I'm bored now.

VoiceofUnreason · 25/02/2013 21:48

You asked for our opinions. In our opinion, you've been unreasonable.

Lueji · 25/02/2013 21:50

It depends on what is most cleaning and washing.
Is that like 60-40 or 95-5?

Still, over the previous 9 days it looks like he had to hold the fort every other day.

And if he cooked two portions of each, he was probably thinking of both of you.
Did he cook them from scratch, or were they leftovers from meals you ate?

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 21:53

Yes!! I absolutely agree I was unreasonable to have eaten the food. Wasn't acceptable behaviour to leave him having to cook his dinner tonight when he had basically already done it.

But - was he also unreasonable in his reaction? That's my question. Hence I came to relationships and not AIBU.

Though I am obviously thinking that he was entirely reasonable, given that's what everyone thinks. I personally thought it was a massive overreaction but I stand corrected.

OP posts:
Lueji · 25/02/2013 21:53

And were they meals he really likes?

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 21:57

All cooked from scratch. Yes it was there for us to eat over the course of the next few days, we do it all the time. Make soup or curry or whatever and it keeps in the fridge to be heated. It's easier than cooking for one which would be the alternative as we don't often eat together.

With regards the washing/cleaning.. It's probably 70/30, I do the majority but he does enough. He tends to 'tidy' and I 'clean'.

Yeah, he had to hold the fort but I'd have been at work anyway on the occasions I was out so it wasn't different to normal evenings.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 25/02/2013 21:59

Actions speak louder than words, so why don't you get off your phone and put some effort in to cooking him a really special meal (x4)!

You come across as really not giving a s**t, but at least you've been very honest about scoffing that colossal amount of food!

Selba · 25/02/2013 21:59

bit selfish to scarf all the food, but you apologised ( and will be buying and cooking more to replace, right?) .

Him threatening to leave is a MASSIVE overreaction, unless there is other stuff.

(but maybe you wouldn't mind if he left)

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 22:03

Oh god I'd be devastated if he left Sad I don't know how I have managed to come across that way. He is a wonderful man and I love him.

keepcool I have said before but I am at work, he is at home. I can't cook for him tonight. I will be buying more food, sure, but I do all the food shopping anyway so that's not any way of an apology. I could cook food to replace what I ate but again, that's something we both do so isn't a grand gesture.

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 25/02/2013 22:07

DSM - was he unreasonable with his reaction?

I don't think he was unreasonable - you didn't show him any respect.

I think I would have a sense of humor failure if someone did that to me.

You don't come across as sorry, and perhaps you sounded a bit blazae to him as well?

CheddarGorgeous · 25/02/2013 22:08

If you are both working shifts and passing each other by you need to work harder to stay close to each other.

If me and DH have a lot on and know we will not see each other much for a few days we put extra effort into being nice to each other. It's the day to day mundane stuff that keeps people close I think, not just the big stuff.

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 22:12

Okay - here is my message I sent him:

Hello my love, I wanted to say - I am really sorry but I ate all that food. It was bad but I realised at 4 that there was nothing for my dinner and I was due in work at 4.30. I'd already eaten the rest of the casserole for lunch. It was my fault for not being better planned, I'm sorry.
So, I thought why don't you treat yourself tonight and get a takeaway? I've had a big weekend and its not fair that you haven't. I feel guilty and want you to have a treat.

Is that blase? I thought it was okay..

OP posts:
KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 25/02/2013 22:21

No not blaze, actually very nice - I hope he's okay now!!

Excuse the pun, but I think he wants you to eat a lot of humble pie now!

Good luck!

Selba · 25/02/2013 22:23

Still think he overreacted massively threatening to leave

Bluelightsandsirens · 25/02/2013 22:28

I hope the text helps, he sounds like he is feeling unloved and taken for granted.

Next time get a kebab on your way home!

VoiceofUnreason · 25/02/2013 22:35

Fair play, that's not a bad message. But in his shoes, I wouldn't count getting myself a takeaway as a treat. How about YOU cook him something really nice as soon as you get the chance or TAKE him out for a meal - even if just a pub.

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 22:48

Agree the a takeaway isn't a great 'treat' - but it was more of a thought that he wouldn't have to cook again.

I will cook, as I often do, the next time we are both in together (which is next Tuesday, for 2 hours). I'd love to have time together to take him out for a meal.. He wouldn't want to anyway as he'd be concerned about spending even more money.

The text was sent initially - before the row. I think he is feeling a bit taken for granted, that makes sense. He's quite sensitive and needy, whereas I am not. So often I 'forget' how he might feel about things because it wouldn't bother me. We've had this discussion in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 22:52

Okay.. He's just sent me a very long text apologising profusely for his behaviour. He said - as some insightful people have suggested - that he feels neglected and taken for granted but he knows he is just being over sensitive.

I will make more effort though, but hopefully this '4 nights out in a week and a half' isn't likely to crop up again anytime soon!

OP posts:
mummyplum1 · 25/02/2013 22:53

I don't think that your text would make me feel better if I were your DH. I wouldn't think of a takeaway as a treat nor would I want your permission to buy one for myself.
The section about not realising there was any food and needing to start you shift makes you sound helpless and as if you are making an excuse for not checking earlier.
It would be much better if you actually made some effort yourself to do something for him/ make something for him to show him that you are sorry for being so selfish.
Also, I don't understand why you are unable to cook due to shift work. Can't you cook in the day?

Bluemary3000 · 25/02/2013 23:05

Your dp sounds like me when I've told my dh that he can go out and plan things. Then it comes round to it, I realise that all the planned dates are at once and I get pissed as he is out and not me. It's a case of him probably getting himself worked up over not a lot and then you eating all the food pushing him over the edge.
Threatening to leave is way out of line on his part. But if he is sulky (I am) then it might take a while for him to see how unreasonable he was.
I would say contact some of his mates and organise something for him to do or organise a babysitter and surprise him by taking him out. Works a treat on me and dh gets his night out and I feel appreciated.
Simples, you've apologised, don't beat yourself up Smile

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 23:14

Thanks bluemary that's a good idea. Ill try and get something organised for the two of us, sometime soon..

mummyplum we don't have takeaways, ever. So it's is a treat to an extent. I wasn't giving permission, it was a suggestion. I work shifts, during the day I am asleep.. Or at work, depending on the shift. Do you stay up through the night to cook? Because the daytime becomes your nighttime when you work at night.

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 26/02/2013 06:33

Glad that you have kissed and made up. Is this working shifts thing permanent? It sounds so sad that you have to wait until next Tuesday for the two of you to have 2 hours together.

Kione · 26/02/2013 06:45

I am really Shock if he is angry because you spent so much money he wouldnt want to BUY a take away too?? I would be livid. If this was on top of other things I would leave and he apologised to you? Shock

KnittedCharacter · 26/02/2013 06:58

DSM i think he over reacted saying he was leaving because of that!! Perhaps he was just a bit peed off he felt he wasnt having any fun whilst u were out. Agree with the others here by making it up to him that u have had a few nights. Offer him a massage - its free and makes my dp feel great as he loves the fuss over him and the relax.