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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the right?

165 replies

DSM · 25/02/2013 19:48

I am on my phone so will try to keep brief but not drip feed..

DP and I have just had a big row. Some facts: we don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as I work shifts. He doesn't see his friends as much as I see mine. Neither of us go out drinking often, but I do more than him.

In the past 9 days I have had 4 nights out. All have been planned for a long time, all were without him and all happened to be around the same time.

He spent the weekend cooking batches of food. I came home after a few drinks on two occasions and ate a lot of it. Today I basically ate the rest Blush

He is livid. Furious that I have had 4 nights out in quick succession, furious that I have spent a lot of money, furious that I ate all the food and he has to cook again tonight. He says I don't consider him and I am being selfish.

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry, and I didn't agree with the other points as it was coincidental that 4 planned events were close together; this is not the norm!

He is very angry - to the point of threatening to leave Hmm which he won't but he's never said anything like that before, nor have I.

I think he is hugely overreacting, but I need some opinions.

OP posts:
CardinalRichelieu · 25/02/2013 20:44

He is in the right. I would have been Pissed Off.

waltermittymissus · 25/02/2013 20:44

Your attitude about it is pretty shit too.

If your dh were posting I think we'd be asking if you had any redeeming qualities at this point!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 25/02/2013 20:44

And the fact that you don't sound at all remoresful speaks loads.

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 20:45

Enjoy I couldn't cook dinner for him as I didn't see him today! He leaves before I am awake in the mornings and I leave before he gets home.

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 20:48

Oh god.. What's my attitude problem? This might help, maybe he's pissed off at my attitude?

I am remorseful, I have apologised and explained. He went off on a rant and wouldn't accept my apology. I think he over reacted,

OP posts:
kalidanger · 25/02/2013 20:49

Two meals as in chicken casserole for one and chili for one? Or chicken casserole for two and chili for two? So four meals? Not sure that's 'batch cooking' tbh.

Odd thread Hmm

deleted203 · 25/02/2013 20:50

Are you sure he won't leave? Because if he's never said it before you can't be certain, can you? And he has pretty good cause, IMO. You just think he's over-reacting. He thinks you're a selfish, spendthrift sponger and he's had enough.

I'd be out of there if you were my partner and he sounds like he could do better. Do you have redeeming qualities? Because you don't sound like you make any effort at all with your relationship, TBH.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 25/02/2013 20:52

Is there anything else going on and this just tipped him over the edge?

Midwife99 · 25/02/2013 20:52

The trouble is, the fact you're asking in the first place "who is right?" leads me to suspect that your apologies weren't enormously sincere or real? I think you need to let him calm down but if you're not going to see him, write a long letter or email or text honestly apologising.

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 20:54

Maybe it's not really the definition of batch cooking.. Sorry. He had made enough chilli for 2 portions, and enough casserole for 2 portions. In essence, 2 meals for 2, does that make more sense?

And yes, I do like to think I have some redeeming qualities, thanks Hmm

OP posts:
nenevomito · 25/02/2013 20:56

Start cooking and I'm sure it will blow over.

Lueji · 25/02/2013 20:57

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry

So, you're sorry and that's it?

Start cooking.
It doesn't matter that you don't see him. Leave him something he can heat up.
And plan some time together.

Hoaz · 25/02/2013 20:58

Why do you see your friends and go out drinking more than he does?

I am the same, but that's because DH doesn't want to go out and he's happy for me to go from time to time. I understand how the four events can all come together and so would DH, but it sounds like your DH is resentful. Why is that?

The food thing is odd TBH. It doesn't sound like it's huge amounts of food, but if it was planned for certain meals during the week then he is most definitely NBU.

What had you planned (before all this fuss) to do to give him some "me time" (yuk, but YKWIM) as you've had so much recently?

deleted203 · 25/02/2013 21:02

DSM Turn it round! If you read the following post,

DP and I don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as he works shifts and also likes to see his friends and go out drinking.

In the past 9 days he has had 4 nights out, all without me. I spent all weekend cooking batches of food and then he came home and ate the whole lot himself.

I am livid. He has had 4 nights out, spent a fortune that we don't have, come home and eaten all my food and now expects me to cook again for him. I think he is totally selfish and doesn't consider me at all.

He has said sorry for eating the food, but told me I'm making a fuss about nothing over all the other things. He can't see what my problem is.

I am so furious I have told him I am leaving him.

He just told me I was over-reacting and that he knew I wouldn't go. So...AIBU?

What would you write as advice to the above poster?

kalidanger · 25/02/2013 21:03

I agree with Midwife You're not really sorry because you're asking us to back you up.

If you've really not got any money and really don't see each other and he was trying to economise and create time for you both by sorting out food then you've been a bit of a shitbag by throwing it in his face. And if you're really trying to economise, and doing so constantly (perhaps one of you more than the othew...) then him being at the end of his tether isn't an over reaction.

DontmindifIdo · 25/02/2013 21:04

I think that perhaps you've been taking him for granted.

Yes, each of those events were understandable, but it does look like you arranged several things in a small space of time, you booked tickets to something for the same 2 week period you had arranged a fundraiser, you arranged a dinner with friends who'd travelled to it in the same 2 week period.

While each of these would be reasonable, it's the sheer amount of things you have arranged in a very small period of time that looks like a piss take. To me, the fundraiser and the work do are the only ones that don't look like you had control over the timings, in fact depending on how much involvement you had in the fundraiser, you might have had control over the date for that. The other 2 you definately could have arranged to be in a few weeks time.

He did meal planning and made food for 4 meals, as you work shifts, would he normally expect to eat without you? So had he actually made his meals for the next week so he could come in after work and just eat them/take them to work and you'd eaten the lot?

The problem you have, is that each individual thing could be explained away, but when you suddenly have a lot of selfish things one after another, they stop being little things that can each be explained, but a pattern of behaviour - and your DH might have had enough of lots and lots of little selfish acts. Each one on their own if you were otherwise being considerate and kind to him would be fine, but the effect of them all, with no other kind acts in between, that can push someone over the edge.

What was the last nice thing you did? What is he getting from this?

KittieCat · 25/02/2013 21:13

Sorry but YABU. I'd be cross.

Definitely cook him something and if that's not your strong suit then make him a cheese sandwich and leave it in the fridge with an apologetic note. It's the sentiment that counts!

Did he 'over react' as you didn't take his crossness seriously, this happens with DH and I. If I feel he's 'brushing off' something that's made me cross I get angry and it's a downward spiral.

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 21:21

Perhaps I am taking him for granted somewhat.

To reiterate - I had no control over the 4 events, and I couldn't cancel any of them. DP knew this and was fine with it in advance. We both have other things coming up and this weekend was the only free one to meet with the friends I was out with yesterday - and even that had been arranged since December. They'd all organised transport (none live here) babysitters etc. and I am also the 'link' in the group. The other three I had literally no control, the fundraiser and work do were set dates and the tickets my friend bought for my birthday were to a theatre show. She bought them as a surprise.

We have things planned together - in fact his Christmas gift from me was a weekend away which is in May.

I go out more than him because I have more friends that live in the city than he does. And my friends tend to actually organise and plan, his dont as often. We both go out alone and together, dependant on the situation. The last time either of us went out was a month ago to his friends engagement party.

And yes, I do a lot in the relationship. Not that it should matter, but I do all the school runs, most of the cleaning and washing, handle all the finances, and organise family gatherings with both sides. So yeah, I contribute to our relationship - Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 21:24

No, he'd made meals that either of us could eat for the next few days. Obviously he didn't get a chance to have any as I ate it all over 2 days.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 25/02/2013 21:30

And yes, I do a lot in the relationship. Not that it should matter, but I do all the school runs, most of the cleaning and washing, handle all the finances, and organise family gatherings with both sides. So yeah, I contribute to our relationship

If he considered making the food a major sacrifice and he's being a martyr for doing ONE THING in your household while you do everything else, then yes, that puts an entirely different spin on things....

KittieCat · 25/02/2013 21:33

Following my post above. I should have added FWIW I don't think you're unreasonable for going out. It doesn't matter how often you've been out if DH is ok with it.

Delayingtactic · 25/02/2013 21:36

DSM I think perhaps you need to apologise again, but without loads of reservations ("yeah but..."). You were in the wrong and half-heartedly apologising and throwing in qualifications has probably made the situation worse. Be careful, things often have a way of spiralling out of control and people make ever more hurtful comments when the whole thing could be put to bed with a sincere apology and a bit of effort. If I were you I'd make him a meal and say sorry.

VoiceofUnreason · 25/02/2013 21:37

So, no drip feeding.... and then you drip feed.... Like so many AIBU when the OP gets 95% responses disagreeing with their stance, they can do nothing except repeat and reiterate. When that doesn't produce the desired responses, they suddenly start drip feeding to provide more information (possibly spurious) to try and change the situation round to get the answer they want.

CheddarGorgeous · 25/02/2013 21:39

YABU but TBH it doesn't sound like much of a relationship, more like flat mates. Not much empathy for him or him for you.

Original poster
DSM · 25/02/2013 21:43

I didn't half heatedly apologise - I called him to explain why the food was all gone, he seemed annoyed so I sent a text, long and very apologetic. He then responded with a text that was quite mean.

I text back, this time a little annoyed, and he didn't reply. So I called him and we had a huge row, and he eventually hung up on me.

I don't think he was being a martyr, and he does his share. He cooks and deals with DS 3 nights a week when I'm at work. He always takes the bins out, he does a reasonable share of cleaning. He pulls his weight. However, he did spend his Saturday cooking whilst I went straight out after work. Food which I subsequently ate, to myself.

OP posts: