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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the right?

165 replies

DSM · 25/02/2013 19:48

I am on my phone so will try to keep brief but not drip feed..

DP and I have just had a big row. Some facts: we don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as I work shifts. He doesn't see his friends as much as I see mine. Neither of us go out drinking often, but I do more than him.

In the past 9 days I have had 4 nights out. All have been planned for a long time, all were without him and all happened to be around the same time.

He spent the weekend cooking batches of food. I came home after a few drinks on two occasions and ate a lot of it. Today I basically ate the rest Blush

He is livid. Furious that I have had 4 nights out in quick succession, furious that I have spent a lot of money, furious that I ate all the food and he has to cook again tonight. He says I don't consider him and I am being selfish.

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry, and I didn't agree with the other points as it was coincidental that 4 planned events were close together; this is not the norm!

He is very angry - to the point of threatening to leave Hmm which he won't but he's never said anything like that before, nor have I.

I think he is hugely overreacting, but I need some opinions.

OP posts:
Spero · 27/02/2013 13:36

I think you listen to him and then you both talk. If someone is unhappy and tells you so, if you care about them you try to talk to them, not look for reasons why its his problem.

I think he is brave to have reached out in this way. I think he needs reassurance. Only you know if you can give that to him - it might mean you compromising some of your choices so that he knows heis valued. But only you know the worth of your relationship and what compromises, if any, you are prepared to make.

BurtNo · 27/02/2013 13:40

I agree you shouldn't change your social plans or your style but based on the used food issue he is entitled to a wobble from time to time - you hardly see each other and he was threatening to leave based on exchanged texts - its challenging for you both - he sounds like a talker so i'd encourage that - a regular cup of tea and a chat

mistlethrush · 27/02/2013 13:49

Have you asked him what would make him feel that you did feel that he was good enough for you? How much would that require a change from you, and how much would that require an effort from him?

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 13:59

He threatened to leave because he lost his temper and acted like a child for a minute. He regrets it, because it was silly.

I agree that he needs more time dedicated to him and me together. This is fine, I'm happy to do this and in fact think its great.

I don't quite know how; we are both busy, I work 60+ hours a week (days and nights), train for 20 hours a week, plus do non-optional (work related) voluntary work which doesn't normally take up specific times but does take up time (mostly research and emails/phone calls IYSWIM) plus I have DS to fit in and friends and family.. He works 40 hours a week and trains for 9. We just don't get much time alone together. Surely most people are like this?

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 27/02/2013 14:05

Training for work or training exercise?

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 14:41

Training exercise but I play a sport, it's an extreme sport (I don't want to out myself as there are only 2 mums on the team and if I said it, anyone would know it was me) and we have to train those sessions. I do more at home, but I don't count those. They are 'compulsory' insofar as I can't stay on the team and not go to training.

OP posts:
Spero · 27/02/2013 14:42

Lots of people are like this. And lots of people split up. It's so easy to drift apart and forget to make the most of each other.

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 14:48

Hmm thanks spero..

I am asking for advice, not to be told that we might be like lots of other people but they split up. Cheers..

So I guess I might as well leave him now and resign myself to a live of perpetual singleness, since these issues with work/training/friends/family etc are mine?

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 27/02/2013 14:53

I think its really positive that he's realised it was completely OTT, and explained what he was feeling because this gives you the opportunity of working out together how to make things work for both of you.

You sound as though you have a very busy life - it must be difficult to work out how you can perhaps change things a little - but do you need to anyway, how will he get to feel better himself in the relationship (its got to be something that he makes an effort at too of course)

yellowbrickrd · 27/02/2013 15:08

That's quite a schedule! But you're right, lots of couples have a lot on, if it's not work or sport then it could be kid stuff - clubs, sports etc that tends to be done by one rather than as a couple.

If you want to do 'couple' things then you're going to have to shoehorn them in somewhere. Do you train together at home? Cook together? Sit on the sofa and watch tv? (tho you don't strike me as the type).

You sound so confident in yourself, happy with your looks, your work, your sport, your social life and happy with the relationship. If you start having to make changes might you jeopardise that? And what changes can you make that would make him feel he's good enough for you - it sounds nonsensical.

pictish · 27/02/2013 15:09

It's no good him saying "I feel bad. It's your fault for being great" What the hell are you supposed to do with this information?

That basically. I've just joined the thread. When I read that yesterday you said that you found him sensitive and needy, I pricked up at that, and now reading on I am hearing alarm bells.

Yesterday he was leaving you for being selfish, today you're too good for him.

He's trying to make you responsible for his emotional wellbeing, in presenting that what you do, and in fact, who you are directly affects his behaviour and feelings.
Well it doesn't. If he lacks the oomph to make positive changes for himself then that's his issue alone. You're not responsible.
I suspect that no matter how you try to include him in your life as a priority, it will never be enough. How could it be? No matter how much he thinks you hold the answer to his problems, you don't. He'll never be sated so long as he looks to you to make it all better for him.

BurtNo · 27/02/2013 15:21

i think thats a touch harsh, his partner is cooler, more confident, more stylish and perhaps crucially much better at sport than him - he is going to wobble from time to time, it would be a rare person who wouldn't - someone who works to this schedule and trains for 9 hours and raises a child doesn't lack oomf - i think he deserves some temporary slack - he seems supportive of her interests rather than a saboteur

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 15:24

Thanks yellow and mistle - I agree, I'm not sure how to make these changes he wants or even if this would be a good thing for me?

pictish too - on the same note. Though that makes me really sad, as if because I have chosen to be with someone who isn't as outgoing/independent/confident as me, it might be doomed?

The issue might be that he slightly idolises me? Is that the right way to put it, I'm not sure. He worships me, spoils me and at times I have thought 'I can't believe I'm getting away with this' but I am not a 'taker' in that way, so don't abuse it.

I'd love to fit more time together, in fact when the two of us go away for weekends (rare) its amazing. We come back so happy and loved-up, it's embarrasing Grin
What we need is the funds and ability to do that once a month, not once/twice a year.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:30

Assuming that you do genuinely want to spend more time with your DH, then the training has got to go. There's no alternative.

168 hours in a week. You spend:

  • 60+ hours working, including volunteer time
  • 20+ hours training (including the training you do at home)
  • I'd guess at least 45 hours sleeping (at 6 hours per 24 hour period, rounded up)
  • I'd guess 10 hours doing "home and hygiene" things (showering, cooking and eating, house work, etc etc)
  • I'd guess at least 10 hours devoted to your DS

Do the maths. Sure, some of my guesses will be wrong but they can't be out by much.

From what you've written, you have no option to reduce your working time. Physically, you need the sleep time and can't reduce it. I'd be amazed if you could materially reduce the "home and hygiene" time. And no doubt wouldn't want to reduce the time you devote to DS.

So the only thing that could possibly go is training time.

What do you want to do more? Training, or spending time with you DH? That's what your time schedule comes down to. I'm not trying to be harsh, just pointing out some unavoidable facts.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:38

I also agree with the point that Spero made - one has to make time for one's relationship for it to flourish.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:39

BTW, there's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding that other stuff is more important that your relationship - I don't want you to think I'm judging you because I'm not - you just need to be clear that that is the decision that you're making.

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 15:41

I see what you mean (and I like 'home and hygiene time' Grin) but I won't stop training. I've been training for 6 years, I am a pivotal part of the sport community and am part of the team for my country. It's a HUGE part of my life, yes.. But I don't think DP would want me to give it up? He'd feel forever guilty that I stopped something I love so deeply for him, as I would be if he gave up something like that for me.

I've said to him before about it, and he is always adamant that I never give up (until I physically have to) and that he wouldn't ever be happy knowing I'd stopped because of him.
This really makes sense to me, please someone tell me I am right?!

OP posts:
Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 15:44

Also, we've managed for 5 years with me doing all this.. It's never been raised as an issue before. I appreciate maybe he just hasn't said but seems odd.

I feel like he is not happy with himself just now, me quitting sport isn't the answer. But I am willing to admit I may be blinkered?

OP posts:
pictish · 27/02/2013 15:45

No I think you're right.
I don't think this is a question of you making it all right for him. I think it's a question of what he can do to be more content within himself.

It does sound a helluva busy schedule.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:46

I'm glad to hear that you do indeed make time to shower after training! Grin

I'm also incredibly impressed that you compete internationally. I can completely see why you wouldn't want to give that up. And equally why your DP wouldn't want to ask you to. (That's not quite the same thing, of course, to him liking you spending so much time on your sport - he might be thrilled if you decided that enough was enough - just that he wouldn't ask you to stop for him.)

As a fundamental question - do you think you're spending enough time on your relationship? Does he think you're spending enough time on your relationship? Does he spend enough time on your relationship (or rather would he spend enough time on it if more hours together were available)?

So if the answer is no you don't - you tell me - where can the extra time be found?

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:47

Can you reduce your work hours? One less shift per week? Negotiate your way out of the volunteering?

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:49

Oh, and Pictish is absolutely right that if he's not happy in himself then all the changes in the world from you won't make any difference.

You certainly need to talk to him to understand where his unhappiness comes from - internal (in which case counselling might help) or external.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 15:49

I'm going to stop bombarding you with posts now. Sorry.

yellowbrickrd · 27/02/2013 15:52

Maybe there's more to it than he's said so far? Maybe he's just tired of the routine at the moment, tired of not having enough money and time and so on.

Might be a good idea to sit down and do a 'Cinnarbar chart' - actually work out exactly how much time you're spending on work etc and see if there's anywhere you can squeeze a bit more time to talk more and be together.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 16:01

A Cinnabar Chart! I'm trademarking that...