Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Who is in the right?

165 replies

DSM · 25/02/2013 19:48

I am on my phone so will try to keep brief but not drip feed..

DP and I have just had a big row. Some facts: we don't have much money. We don't see each other a lot as I work shifts. He doesn't see his friends as much as I see mine. Neither of us go out drinking often, but I do more than him.

In the past 9 days I have had 4 nights out. All have been planned for a long time, all were without him and all happened to be around the same time.

He spent the weekend cooking batches of food. I came home after a few drinks on two occasions and ate a lot of it. Today I basically ate the rest Blush

He is livid. Furious that I have had 4 nights out in quick succession, furious that I have spent a lot of money, furious that I ate all the food and he has to cook again tonight. He says I don't consider him and I am being selfish.

I agreed that it was selfish to eat all the food but I was sorry, and I didn't agree with the other points as it was coincidental that 4 planned events were close together; this is not the norm!

He is very angry - to the point of threatening to leave Hmm which he won't but he's never said anything like that before, nor have I.

I think he is hugely overreacting, but I need some opinions.

OP posts:
Lueji · 27/02/2013 16:08

If he has put you on a pedestal is not good.
It is in fact a usual red flag.

Sadly many men like this may be attracted to successful, active women, but then suffer themselves by comparison because they lack the necessary self esteem.

I do think you should tell him to work on those issues. He may need counselling.
He should not "need" you to up his self esteem.
If he is not the sort of having a high flying career, then you should not feel guilty for having one.

yellowbrickrd · 27/02/2013 16:13

Cin -If I knew how to put the little tm on I would have..Grin

Original poster
DSM · 27/02/2013 16:25

cinnabar Grin

I don't know, I guess I always say 'I'd like to spend more time together' but as there isn't 'more time' available, it's always been a bit like 'I'd like to have more money' or 'I'd like a bigger house'. And evidently he thinks we need to. I'm not sure where I can find the extra time, maybe ill negotiate something at work and get one evening every week that's dedicated couple time.. Even if all we do is have dinner together, if he knows its every Wednesday (for example) then he knows I've made some effort?

I can't reduce hours as we can't afford it, and sadly the voluntary stuff is compulsory (though I do a lot of it at work when work is quiet.. naughty DSM) so can't be reduced either but I can definitely try with work shift-swapping.

lueji Sad what do you mean men like this? The red flag comment is concerning..

OP posts:
CrapBag · 27/02/2013 16:28

FGS I think some women find a red flag in any mans behaviour! He could do everything 'right' and inevitably there will be someone who says it sends up a red flag.

If he said he wanted to leave over what was in the OP, for him there must be more to it. And he didn't overreact.

Lerxst · 27/02/2013 16:39

Perhaps you could cook up some food to replace the meals you ate?

If you are working long shifts then you need time to have fun occasionally, but probably your DP works hard too and is stressed at your apparent inconsiderate behaviour.

I would definitely try to make amends if I were you; do some cooking, allow DP to go out with his friends, perhaps arrange a date night for you both (or cook an intimate supper for the two of you).

I don't think he was overreacting, I would have probably felt the same! And I think that assuming someone will not leave you no matter what you do is a bit presumtuous and naive. And dangerous!

TippiShagpile · 27/02/2013 16:46

Looking at it from your dh's pont of view I would be pissed off at you for eating all the food but more because you'd been out on the lash so much when money is tight. I understand that the events were pre planned but I've sat in a pub/restaurant on many occasions and drank tap water (very frustrating) because money was tight.

How much did you spend on booze over the 4 nights?

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 16:54

The feeling like you're on a pedestal thing can go either way - it could be a red flag (because being on a pedestal doesn't leave you any space to be you in, plus inevitably at some point you fall off) or it could just mean that he loves you very much warts and all.

In the absence of any other red flags, I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 27/02/2013 16:59

Rather than you give up something you love, how about encouraging him to do something that builds him up (whether it's a few more hours rugby, or take up something that interests him). This may be a way of making him responsible for his own self esteem, rather than him putting it all on you.

(I went out with someone who didn't do anything outside of college and go to the pub, and did the same as him for a while, and I became a very boring person through cutting down my life to fit his). I reckon it broke us up eventually, in hindsight. There were other issues too though (he was a controlling git!)

You can still spend more quality time with your DP - both take a day holiday on the same day, and spend it together - make it a regular thing to look forward to, even if you just have a DVD day in PJ's one time, or have a day trip to somewhere nice near you another time.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 17:13

OTBWAWW (love the name) - I'd 100% agree with you but for the fact that this couple spend very little time together now.

In your situation, you were spending shed loads of time together.

There's a middle ground, for sure.

Also, I'm wary of automatically assuming that the reason the DP feels unhappy is due to some flaw internal to, or lack intrinsic to, him. It might be, of course. But it might be something else entirely, of which lack of time with his partner is just one possibility. Maybe he's having a nightmare at work. Maybe he's struggling with a friendship. Impossible for us to tell.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 17:14

And, without meaning to make DSM feel bad, I wouldn't be particularly happy in a relationship where I was operating alone for significant chunks of the time. That doesn't make me a needy or flawed person.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 27/02/2013 17:16

Maybe cut the time that you are spending with friends, not out completely but a little.

Lueji · 27/02/2013 17:22

Putting on a pedestal would mean that he looks up to you, but doesn't connect with you at a personal level.
Warts and all is not putting on a pedestal.

Others will explain better.

I was picking up on something you said.
But it may not be exactly that, and it also has to be viewed in context.
The problem is the people who put others on pedestals put themselves at a lower level. So, to reach that pedestal they may want to bring the other down, rather than go up.

waltermittymissus · 27/02/2013 17:34

It doesn't sound like you have time for a relationship tbh.

There's nothing wrong with your schedule, but perhaps it's not conducive to maintaining a partnership?

pictish · 27/02/2013 17:37

Putting your spouse on a pedestal is bad news.
It means he holds you up a shining example of awesomeness....and when it turns out that you're actually nothing but an ordinary human being who is fallable, he'll be disappointed, let down and dare I say it angry, when you fail to live up to his ideal.
When you're on a pedestal there's nowhere to go but down. Wink

Spero · 27/02/2013 18:29

Why so defensive? Sorry you don't want to hear it but its the truth. If he comes at the bottom of a very long list of other priorities, don't be surprised if that has a negative impact on your relationship.

tumbletumble · 27/02/2013 18:47

Have you asked him for ideas? Can he think of anything specific you, or he, or both of you could do to make him feel happier and more secure?

I agree with other posters you can't take full responsibility for his feelings.

Spero · 27/02/2013 18:50

Of course she can't 'make' him happy or provide a sense of self worth he doesn't have, but I would be bloody miserable if I had a partner who couldn't make much if any time for me. That doesn't indicate some massive personal failing on my part but a quite natural desire to feel loved and valued by the person you are supposedly in a relationship with .

I still think the clue to this is in the thread title - who is 'right'. Indicates to me where the priorities lie here.

tumbletumble · 27/02/2013 18:52

But she does play sport at a high level Spero. Are you saying none of the GB Olympics team (for example) would be able to sustain a relationship?

Spero · 27/02/2013 18:56

I think a lot of top level athletes do struggle at times with relationships.

I am not saying she has to give up her sport - but look at the list. She wants to spend time with friends and other family members. Fair enough, but they can probably cope with seeing a bit less of her over the next six months or so - doesnt sound like her husband can.

And I love the way this is being characterised as 'red flag' behaviour by him! Imagine if a woman posted - my husband seems to prefer work, training or seeing his friends to spending time with me.

Do you think there would be ANY replies along the lines that she was a whiny cow who needed to get a life? I don't think so. I think most replies - quite rightly - would be sympathetic.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 18:58

None of the GB Olympics team could sustain a relationship with me (and no doubt they're all devestated Wink). I want my partner to be as present in my relationship as I am. And I maintain that that doesn't make me needy or flawed.

Spero · 27/02/2013 19:03

Sorry if I am sounding cross but as someone on the receiving end of a partners lack of willingness to make time for me, I do take umbrage at the suggestion that this makes me emotionally flawed or 'manipulative'. What on earth is wrong or unhealthy about wanting your partner in your life? What IS the point of a relationship if you can only squeeze in a few hours together each week?

tumbletumble · 27/02/2013 19:04

OK, but how about if Bradley Wiggins posted saying my girlfriend wants me to give up cycling. I don't think there would be many replies saying 'yes you should give it up and devote the time to your relationship'.

Spero · 27/02/2013 19:06

Bradley wiggins certainly seems to make time for is wife.

I would respond - you need to decide where your priorities lie. If cycling is your priority, you can't make time for your girlfriend, be honest with her, don't keep her hanging around and miserable for a few rare crumbs of your time.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 19:09

I would tell BW that he needs to find more time for his relationship somehow if he wants to stay in that relationship. There are undoubtedly people who would be happy with a relationship in which BW was largely absent; but if his partner isn't happy then she clearly isn't one of them.

If he didn't want to reduce his hours cycling then that's a reasonable decision to take, but be aware that he was prioritising cycling over the relationship and if his partner wasn't happy then there would be consequences for the relationship.

CinnabarRed · 27/02/2013 19:12

What I'm trying to say is that neither would be wrong or unreasonable - just fundamentally incompatible.

I don't think being uncomplaining for 5 years should necessarily be taken as acceptance of the situation. It may just have all become too much for the DP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread