Dating Thread 43

[WarmFuzzyFun]

Here it is...

Ike - that guilty feeling is like a shadow hanging over things, isn't it? Wondering if things could have been done better - but since you're the one doing the parenting and he's the one running off with OW, you have to console yourself with the fact that you're still there and coping with whatever gets thrown your way - its shit, but its not of your making..

Snape - I recognise that feeling of having to get on and do everything and appearing to do it well - I'm on my own and having to sort out all sorts of crap, while I look at married friends who wouldn't dream of changing a plug, painting a ceiling or mowing a lawn because their DH takes care of it all - however, when ex bf repaired a light fitting for me a while ago, I did feel very.... girlish (and grateful)

In his latest rant, exH complained that I have an unhealthy relationship with my DD (13) because we're too close!! WTF This is because she texts me when she's at his and he's watching the footie!

Snape I only realised rather late that there is a huge difference between playing games to create some sort of chase and not constantly being too available or accommodating. The (1970s hardcore) feminist in me has always rejected game playing, but I have made the mistake of being totally straight about the way I feel (which has I think been read as too available) and then being too accommodating in the past. It didn't serve me well, instead of the kind, spontaneous free spirit I saw myself as, I used to get taken for granted.

I also wondered a couple of months ago if I was coming across as scary and needed to 'soften up' the impression I was giving out. I realised that I was so used to meeting new people with my 'da Boss' dictatorial work persona that I was taking that to dates. I had to actually concentrate on showing my 'home/caring/I love DS side and now it seems to be happening naturally.

My ex has told me to my face I am an evil spoilt selfish bitch. I probably am. He's also told me I am the reason DS1 is overweight and why DS2 struggles at school - because I think only of myself.

I stopped caring about his opinion a long time ago. I have realised the more I restrict and limit contact between us, the happier I am.

Re the whole men and texting/contacting thing, I don't think all men like the chase. Some men do I'm sure, but not all. The happiest relationship I ever had was the one where I never tried to play it cool, or follow the rules and just said and did as I felt.

C I don't think (certainly not after some of the stuff he said on fri) is someone who wants to do all the chasing. Which is fine because I'm happy to do my share :)

Western, that's a good idea about lunch etc - however we work too far from each other to make it feasible. I don't know if weekends are possible because sat afternoon - sun eve is his time with his elder DC. We'll sort something out somehow though, where there's a will (even if it is mainly on my side...!) Etc :)

It's the not being to available or accommodating that I mean by playing it cool.

Velvet - isn't the 'only thinking of yourself' not just the slow dawning realisation that you don't care what he thinks? I'm sure this is the case for me - my ex coming to terms with the fact that I'll move heaven and earth for my kids but can quite happily manage without any input from him whatsoever...

Ike - what a crappy thing to say. Sounds like he has realised he's cocked up and is trying to shift the blame, attack being the best form of defence and all that. Still, it's horrible to have to listen to. The same with all of you who have this sort of thing from your exes. Just no need for it.

If I had a tenner for every time a man has said to me 'do what you want, you'll only do that anyway' (er, yes) I'd be vair rich

This includes my elderly, creepy perve of a next door neighbour regarding the 2 metre fence I had put up to stop said perving. Apparently I'd 'hurt his feelings' by doing this and 'didn't I want to talk to him anymore' (er, no).

These out of control women who do want they want eh

Velvet I've not seen any evidence of it but I kind of do hope you really are an evil spoilt selfish bitch .

Thinking of going onto the sofa, I tried you people know I've tried, but there isn't anyone close enough to where I am that is suitable. I am probably going to just keep going but honestly have all the suitable men gone into hibernation or something...

On other news...had a falling out with best friend as she decided to share my OD experiences with her boyfriend, who (thick ejjit) thought it was then okay to attempt to have a discussion with me, after only meeting me twice (briefly) before .

Oh dear WFF that's a bit of a blooming cheek (on both their parts).

Things might improve a bit as the weather gets better and the sap starts rising . . .

WFF ew! I bet that went well

Thanks for your kind words everyone...huffed and puffed around M&S cant face going into col today. Ive got the beginnings of week long PMT too and I guess maybe feel a leetle bit miffed about yesterday (although perfectly fine about it logically).

It seems the kids were supposed to let the parents know about this rescheduling but it was also on Parent Mail which neither myself or ex H have signed up to (will rectify this tommoz). Plenty of kids didnt have uniforms on. T
he trouble is I think I might have had exH on a pedestal when married because he seemed so amenable to most things (very different from my father) I took this as him being a lovely person.

Now I realise that it is probably because he is quite weak and let me shoulder alot of stuff emotionally and practically without support.

One of my qualities (and I have plenty of negatives) is that I am a straight up type of person so find his blame shifting and sneakiness really difficult to deal with and I cant enter into the mind set at all. This means he often out manouveurs me when planning stuff for the kids is concerned.

Also he obviously now feels free to accuse me of all sorts and be out of hand in a way he would never have been when married because it suits him to do this now.

Its at times like these that I would like a special someone to give me a hug and some comfort and say 'never mind we'll go on a Sun coupons caravan holiday...i'll sort it love.'

soz not uniforms....costumes

Aww Ike, I'd like a man hug too [feeling sorry for myself emoticon]

Lots of big sighs here, and just had a bubble bath in the daytime as feeling out of sorts...

I may blend back into the shadows for a bit, lick my wounds, and ponder my navel.

WFF

HI there all... sorry to crash into the thread without an introduction but just want a bit of advise from you experienced daters...

What sites would you recommend to actually subscribe too ?

I know about POF, Match and Guardian, are there any others which you found to be ok ?

I dont want to subscribe to all of them and was wondering which one you would recommend.

Thanks all.

WFF I had a daytime bath on Saturday - so comforting. Don't go back into lurkerdom, it's been great having you posting a lot on here.

Howdidit - hello there! PoF is a free site which requires a bit of judicious screening. I know some people have had some dodgy experiences on there, but I always found it to be okay and found a really nice man on there too, so I'm a fan. I went on Match to start off with but it was quite expensive and to be honest I didn't really find that the men on there were an improvement to the ones on the free sites. I think a lot depends on whereabouts in the country you are - a lot of the sites tend to be much better in the larger cities and frankly a bit crap if you're not. I think there was one man within twenty miles of me on Guardian Soulmates . . . I never contacted him but then I actually saw him in Sainsbury's car park one day and he looked a right miserable so-and-so.

Hello howdidit :)

I found my nice man on OK Cupid (although we were both signed up to POF and free dating I think). I wasn't really making a concerted effort but then he turned up :)

Hello my darlings thanks once again for empathy. I think just having the glabella area site for botox hasnt worked so well. I have a ridiculously expressive face and very thick dark eyebrows which now fly up my forehead but only at the ends. My son said immediately 'What have you done to your eyebrows? You look like a scary teacher?' So totally frozen forehead it is then when I return for fillers on fri.

Have been favourited by an interesting guy on POF. Does anyone ever contact the favourites?

Had identical advice from my mate re dealing with ex and his bloody complaining. Write it all down, she said and then arrange to discuss point by point clearly and without emotion. Similar to what you guys have said on here.

Howdid welcome love, do them all..it wont hurt and you may have more choice that way (cos there is alot of chaff).

ike - when I did OD the first time, I was favourited by a selection of women. There were a few in there I quite liked the look of so messaged them. Never received a reply from any of them.

I used to take DS on Sun coupon hols. Found it a bit lonely

I'm in the gym cafe, I don't want to go home to moody teen.

My XH is here as he looks after DC while I go and help at brownies (out of the goodness of my heart). I really don't especially like it - feels much too weird.

Plus DD just said I always put foil in the baking tray the wrong way round

Bloody hell Ike you can be with someone for years and then wonder who the hell they are. Arsehole!

Hello all. I am happy having found a replacement for my much longed for and missed missing phase eight casual date dress. Calvin Klein and it's only a few dollars. and very very similar to the lost one. Hurrah! If I'm ever doing coffee again then I won't be fretting about what to wear.