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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 43

999 replies

WarmFuzzyFun · 23/02/2013 17:27

Here it is...

OP posts:
mercury7 · 25/02/2013 10:29

'hardly ever gets replies and if it gets to a date the women don't want to take it further.'

assuming this is common, some men might get cold feet and cancel dates because they expect a rejection?

Scrazy · 25/02/2013 10:35

Yes Mercury, this could be why they do it. One of my recent dates, the short arsed squirt who exaggerated his height, didn't even follow up with a 'thanks but no thanks' message and it's put me off going on anymore blinds dates as I must be hideous. When I last OD a couple of years before I usually got some positive feedback.

OhWesternWind · 25/02/2013 10:41

Boring man didn't follow up with any kind of text - I think it was obvious that we just didn't click, so maybe Scrazy it was the same with this man if he could tell there was no point in asking you out again and was lacking in manners as well as height. Don't let some silly man like this put you off.

Snapespeare · 25/02/2013 10:43

I've been reading a lot of shit couple of articles about tactical withdrawal creating interest. managed to not initiate texting with nameless yesterday - leaving an hour until a response tc? - then asked him for a 'favour' if he could load some music of his choice onto a memory stick for me as he has excellent taste and I need to expand my horizons (blatant flattery!) he would be glad to - I offered some form of recompense, which he suggested take the form of a massage Blush I replied that I'm sure we could sort something out, but he might need to take his shirt off?.

I barely slept a wink all night. must distract self from distractions!

good old cuthbert! yay!

micshi · 25/02/2013 10:46

I did end up replying saying that he didn't give me a chance to reply to him before saying not to bother & that after one date it was a bit early to stop looking on the site & that I didn't want to see him again.

Well that was an interesting first OD experience!

mercury7 · 25/02/2013 10:50

file him under 'pet assassin' Micshi :o

VoiceofUnreason · 25/02/2013 11:04

I do know of a couple of women - acquaintances as opposed to friends - who go on the sites literally to get dates. They only go on first dates and have no intention of second dates. They just like finding men to take them out to dinner. Sometimes they offer to 'pay half' but the men rarely take them up on it or they don't offer! Lucky men!!

Scrazy · 25/02/2013 11:08

Voice, not sure I could put myself through having dinner with some dullard just for a free meal.

Snape, there is much truth in being cool and not initiating contact as they will do so if they want to and they love the chase, much as I hate to admit it.

micshi · 25/02/2013 11:14

I got a sandwich & a coffee out of my date, not sure it was worth the hassle though! Hmm

mercury7 · 25/02/2013 11:18

They just like finding men to take them out to dinner
I find making conversation with strangers onerous and am only willing to do it if there is some reward, ie I find the bloke attractive and what to get to know him with a view to getting naked with him.

The idea of having a meal with a stranger doesnt appeal to me in the slightest and I never agree to anything more that a coffee

JulietteMontague · 25/02/2013 11:30

I've heard this thing about some women just wanting a free night out from a couple of early days dates. They were knobbers though and made a point of mentioning that they'd 'spent money on them' Hmm

I don't get the attraction when boxed sets and M&S exist.

Snapespeare · 25/02/2013 11:36

see, I'm a ball-breaking feminazi. Every single fibre of my being asserts if I want to see someone again, then I should make that clear and the gentleman caller in question should bite my hand off (not literally) in sheer joy that I deign to give him the time of day? and that's worked so far. I said I'd like to see nameless again after the first date, I've asked him out a few times - I'm not sure if a tactical flip-flop to eagerly pursued damsel of many varied interests is believable?

?mind you, I did say I'd like to see him this past weekend, he cancelled due to ill-health and I did tell him I was quite busy this week. So it's up to him to rearrange , yes? I'm free Wednesday and Friday (drinks with ex flatmate tomorrow, dinner with ex news of world journo on Thursday) So presuming he does mention it - friday is better, isnt it? God this stuff is complicated. far easier to just do what I feel, when I feel it?

mail (non smutty!) from the prof on linked in. ignore it , right?

mercury7 · 25/02/2013 11:41

Julliette, perhaps the women you refer to wanted to be taken out, in part, because it reassured them that they were attractive & still had 'pulling power'?

Thats kind of understandable isnt it...I mean we all like a bit of validation and flattery?

mercury7 · 25/02/2013 11:45

Snape, perhaps the prof is testing the water to see if you are still interested?
As for the other guy, it's a bit hard to say whats going on...it may be that health issues have alot to do with it?

OhWesternWind · 25/02/2013 11:47

Snape - speaking as someone who tied herself up in knots wondering when/if/what to text etc etc, I have found life so much easier since I abandoned all of that and just did what I felt like. Why play games? We've had lots of debates on here about whether men like to chase, whether they appreciate someone being upfront and the thing is, I honestly don't believe it matters. If they like you, they won't be put off by how quickly you respond to a text or whether you or they text first.

Go with what your instincts are telling you, show him the real Snape - he's liked what he's seen so far!

ike1 · 25/02/2013 11:48

Fed up today ...had a mouthful off ex because daughter should have gone into school in a welsh costume for photos. She was staying at his all weekend. I asked him if he had checked the bag forreminder notes.She went in last week in a costume but they obvs postponed it until today. He claims he did check...I doubt it.He called me a shit parent.

I reminded him that he was about to jet off for 10 days with the wman who helped him to cheat...hardly making him father of the year material. And yet again he has not made appointments for parents evening.Why? cos he is on frigging holiday!!

What was that about KARMA? Crikey I am so fed up of getting critisism. I am not a cake baking soccer mom but I try my best and never get any positive comments only constant and I mean constant critisism. I made alot of effort last year to get DS's Dyspraxia recognised by the school and ex-H mainly sat on his arse and tried to ignore the situation. I feel quite upset today at the injustice of it all. I am not someone who point scores by nature and find this sort of behaviour confusing and depressing.

VoiceofUnreason · 25/02/2013 12:03

Scrazy: "Snape, there is much truth in being cool and not initiating contact as they will do so if they want to and they love the chase, much as I hate to admit it. "

Can't speak for the other men on the thread but I can tell you for one that I don't love the chase and most men I know don't. Boys and girls play games, sensible men and women don't.

JulietteMontague · 25/02/2013 12:05

Mercury maybe it's a reassurance thing but it's possible to find complements online (whether genuine or not) without actually having to go and sit with a knobber for him to tell you. Maybe the attraction is getting dressed up and feeling they look good for the evening, which I do get.

raskolnikov · 25/02/2013 12:07

Ike, I get this sort of criticism all the time from my ex - I've turned it around so that each time he complains I see that he's fully aware of all the effort I put in compared to the negligeable amount he does and that he's acknowledging he's not up to the job of adequate parent. Constant sniping at me goes straight over my head now - I'm told that showing disinterest in their difficulties is far more effective than rising to the bait -takes some practise tho!

JulietteMontague · 25/02/2013 12:10

Ike you are not a shit parent, he is PROJECTING. Ignore, do not engage and hope for sunburn on his bethonged arse.

ike1 · 25/02/2013 12:13

Oh I ignore alot of it...but it does have a cumulative effect eventually..especially when you are on your own. I am left today feeling an inordinate amount of guilt.

Snapespeare · 25/02/2013 12:16

bear in mind the 'real' snape can be a bit...scary, maybe. i don't know anymore. I think i could feasibly do with being a tiny bit 'needier' not the right word... a bit more silver-tongued? he's never going to build me any furniture, but he does know a lot about and loves music, so it strokes his ego a bit to be asked to select some tunes for me ... I recognise I can give the air of being utterly fabulous in all things and have no need of anyone else as I am perfectly able to do...everything. Hmm & I think that can maybe be a tiny bit emasculating...

i think we're going to argue this one around in circles :) I think i shall stick to text/contact ping-pong unless i happen to see a chocolate penguin and have to send a pic of it...because it's a chocolate penguin (trust me there is a reason for this - penguin cam annnnnnd chocolate - I can legitimately send the odd text because i'm thinking about someone....right?

Scrazy · 25/02/2013 12:20

Ike, I can understand how it would get on top of you. Parenting can be a thankless task without the other parent, whom you are no longer with, pulling you to pieces.

Voice, I guess the men I've been tangled up with are a different breed to the norm then, but maybe not when you scan through the self help books written for singles. I don't read them btw but have heard of them.

From a feminist perspective the idea might be that you don't need a man in your life to be happy so no need to put yourself on the line, just let them do the running, in the beginning at least.

JulietteMontague · 25/02/2013 12:25

Ike I know, it's horrible. It's made worse because you do your best, he dumps on you and then leaves you with those thoughts as he swans off into the sun. It is always worse when you're on your own, the thing I've always missed most is having someone to share the good and bad, laugh/cry with when parenting DS. Your DC love you, they will know who puts in the effort even if they don't show it. It's good they enjoy the time with their father but nothing can ever replace you and what you give them.

Snapespeare · 25/02/2013 12:27

ike how on earth are you a shit parent Hmm because he didn't do something. he is projecting his guilt at having an affair into a legitimisation of the affair by finding fault with you. in his head he had no choice but to have an affair because you are shit. numpty.