Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

leclerc surprised they actually wrote you a letter. but as you know ultimately there is only one judge and it ain't them.

Keep your head up high you have nothing to be ashamed of.

One of my friends said last night, I admired your patience and perseverance. so what i had some to see as a failing on my part she saw as a strength.
You tried leclerc. if you gave it your best shot and it was still not right then it is not you that failed.

Ss for where for they learn. ex picked a lot of inappropriate beliefs from his upbringing but with him it was just instinct. he never thought about any if it or manipulated me. just opened his mouth and out it came because it was coming straight from an underlying belief that woman have a certain role and he has certain entitlement. no thinking required.

Just catching up after busy day yesterday. eternal please keep trying WA. leclerc. so glad your dad heard that voicemail message, I bet he couldn't believe what he was hearing especially about not doing enough to keep you in line.
matchsticks hilarious valentine card story.

As predicted I am regretting my ultimatum with H on Sunday as now he is being the model husband... Letting me stay in bed while he does DDs breakfast, making me cups of tea I am even going shopping on my own on Saturday! I really wanted to speak to the counsellor before I told him how I felt but I just COULD NOT face sleeping with him. How awful is that? The thing is I know it won't last but it just makes me feel awful that he can be nice. I want to say that he has to go to counselling on his own before I can think long term.
Ringing counsellor this afternoon.

hi all i hope someone is here just to listen. things had been calm for a bit and FW acting a bit normal but i guess i should have known it wouldnt last. i feel so stupid to keep hoping that he will somehow change and see how awful he is but i guess not.

its when i try to confront him if he has done something that upsets me that i get a bad reaction. i was upset about him going in to the little one in the morning as if she sees him she gets overexcited and then he goes off to work and it takes ages to feed and dress her. ok a minor thing but it got to me and i said something very calmly like why did you go in. "oh u never get up u lazy cow how did i know u were going to u stupid bitch etc etc and then i walked away and he decided it would be a good idea to throw my clothes down the stairs. the next day i confronted him with it he completely turned it onto me making the whole thing into my fault and he doesnt know how he put up with me etc etc.

i started to get upset then fucking shut up and i had been dryimg my hair he picked up hairbrush and threw it at me hit me on the head then threw my hairdryer across the room. i was crying ans said u hit me he just denied it even though he blatantly had and said no i threw it at the floor

my head just feels so so fucked i dont know which way is up and am tired of detaching myself emotionally some days i justcant do it as well as others

anyway i am trying to gather strength to get out have appt with solicitor today and am going to see some housing people but then i have moments where i collapse in tears and think how will i cope alone when every day i get called useless stupid or somethinge else i try so hard not to believe it but sometimes i cant block it out.

how an i extract myself. i cant bear this crap amy longer just want one day where i can breathe and relax and maybe one day i will be able to smile and tyhink of myself as more than a nothing useless waste of space

thanks for listening just had to get it out somewhere

yummy I don't have much advice as I am we here too but do you have anyone you can talk to? friend, family or counsellor? I know what you mean about them being normal but you have just highlighted to yourself (and me) that they don't change. The ladies here are all lovely, I'm sure some will be along soon x

new here too. PHONE

Oh yummy, that sounds so so tough. He is a total FW and always will be (well, I suppose there's a tiny chance of change, but never while you're still with him), but it's entirely natural to hope and believe in goodness.

Good on you planning to see the solicitor. You would feel so much better and more competent on your own, but no surprises that you can't see that because he's been beating you down literally and psychologically for so long that you don't know who you are. I'm sure it's going to be a great adventure finding out. Just think of a quiet house, with no shouting, put-downs, criticisms, just peace. Sunshine, birdsong and a in hand - the good things in life only. Spring might be the best time of year to leave!

I'm wittering, but sending you strength. Hold onto that little belief you have that you must get out and that you're worth it. After all, how will you know what it's like until you try?

Leclerc, I'm not surprised that got you upset - judgement is hard to ignore. Will you tell your pastor or keep quiet? Would be nice to hear a sermon next Sunday on "Judge not, lest you be judged." You can never tell what's really going on in someone else's marriage, but unfortunately there are people around who think they know everything.

Pharisees! :o

yummy I can almost promise that actually your life will be easier once he is no longer there messing with your emotions, your thoughts and your life...
imagine waking up and you get to see your little one, start the day together, sort things out...no drama, no shouting, no messing with the truth, your head, your emotions.....imagine that, it is great.

I can honestly say that even though being a lone parent is hard, it is so much easier than being a lone parent with an overgrown toddler messing things up all the time..and this is even though i have no real life support in the way of family (some good friends but not practically helpful).

Keep going, you can reclaim your life, you really can.

leclec really feel for you. have very similar experiences...all i can say is that they have not walked in your shoes, they probably have no idea what it is really like, but prepare yourself 'cos FW is going to use it

Or, Leclerc, 'judgement is mine sayeth the Lord'. Seriously these people should know better than to judge something hey do not have full knowledge of.

yummy i think the first step is when you finally realise they probably won't change. sounds like you are there.

He won't change unless he is fully prepared to take responsibility for his behaviour. not saying well it is only because you did this or if you didn't do x i wouldbn't have to do y.

I finally realised a couple if months ago that really no he did not have the right to swear at me and call me names.

and i do feel better without him. it is stressful still but a lot less stressful and the kids are settling down.

It is entirely up to you when or if you decide to leave but just know we believe you, we are listening, we know how tough it is, we don't think it us your fault or that what he does is not ok.

Spoke with my counsellor again today, it's funny how it all seems clear when you speak to them isn't it? I mentioned about needing space and asking H to move in with his mum but explained about some of the impracticalities with childcare etc she had answers for all if them. Hmm, need to think how to bring it up.
I know this is common but does anyone else feel like that are being disloyal or as though they are overreacting when they speak to the counsellor? I feel like I am on an hour long rant fest.

leclerc you don't have to explain yourself to the church leaders at all. As others have said they really have no idea how it is to be in your shoes. One thing that all this has opened up to me is that you honestly never know what happens behind closed doors, even with your closest friends.

I go to church too (although not as often as I'd like thanks to H). A few years ago our church did a 5 or 6 week themed evening sermon course about marriage. There was a different aspect each week. At the time I was totally unaware that there was anything wrong in my marriage. However one thing that really stuck out with me is that while it is wrong to divorce just because you've fallen out of love or want different things, it is not wrong to divorce if one partner has broken the marriage vows. And I think EA definitely falls into breaking the marriage vows. So as I said I really don't think you have to explain yourself but if you wanted to could you write back and say "thanks for the concern. FW has broken our marriage vows and I do not want to talk about it but the damage is too great to be repaired". I really think the church is here to support you. Yes, they can rebuke people when they do wrong, but you have not done anything wrong and do not have to answer to them. Let him that is without sin throw the first stone and all that.

yummy you are not a waste of space. Your H just wants you to think this so that you rely on him and stay tuned in to his EA. Keep posting here. Everyone understands what it is like and how much you can doubt yourself and what's going on.

lahti I've not been to a counsellor, but everytime I go to write in my journal I feel like I'm being disloyal, recording all his faults (when I acknowledge that I have faults too), stabbing him in the back. I think this is what I find hardest. I don't want to make his life miserable or screw him for every penny he's got or any of those things - I just want to be relaxed and happy and myself.

Just stopping in to say hello. It's been almost a week, and H is back here again. I won't go into details how, as part of it is "kicking myself for listening" and part of it was beyond my control and manipulation.

Less than a week, he stated he knows how awful he has been and he wants us to be together and will do everything he can to prove it to me. That would be why we've had ONE... count it... ONE... day where he hasn't been shouting.

At least I can make my decision with a clear conscience. I've tried.

I'm so glad there was no FP today! I worried so about going last week after the previous two having done my damned to convince that I was schizoprenic, I would have turned up as bag lady me today!

After getting to sleeping at about 4 or 5 when the doc finally left and then fitfully on the sofa as awoken by all the night noises; thankfully no rush to hospital, allayed by some very strong meds and a sharp shit in the right direction upon waking this morning, phew relief! but if i'd had to go there too, eyes on stalks, blithering... well.. I know we don't go there to make an impression, but I'm happy to not add to the one i've started!

Sending hugs for strength to all, but suitably battered at this end of the day for little coherent speak.. just gonna crawl to get dinner and tonight was my night out too - as there was a sleepover all arranged so I'd have had freeeeeeeeeeeedom, all night xx

Hope you can pop by and say hi Maggie and that you are much better today. Seems temps are now on the way back up here so, must fly xx

oooo gawd! not shit ! shift in the right direction! Maybe both produce relief.. oo dear! and that should have said damnedest by probably neither make much sense.

hi thanks for all the support its so helpful to know am not alone and that its def not me and that it actually is all their fault not ours.

anyway just got in from solicitor and it was amazing. i just didnt know that it was possible to get things like injunction orders etc in place so quickly and all the things about how he still has to pay bills etc. its weird to think that if i ever get out i will actually be better off financially as it wont be up to him to decide what he thinks is enough for housekeeping and the courts will have forced him to pay whatever amount it is monthly. he will go mental and try to get at me through the kids but will worry about that later.

i didnt realise how expensive it all was though, i was quoted £8000-10000 for the whole thing is that right? have no idea about this stuff. i have savings but this will use most of them.

it just seems like an impossible dream at the moment of living just peacefully with nothing to deal with each day. we just get used to it i guess so the little pushes and shoves and snipes and digs are just every day life and you lose sense of whats acceptable. its like u dont even react any more as its just normal. there was a time i would have cried when he threw the hairbrush at me but this time i was just like oh well at least he didnt beat me with it.

there is just a lot of sadness that a 19 yr relationship has come to this and he has thrown it all away by being a total FW.

i feel a weird sense of peace, i know it will be a messy process but i want to leave while i am still alive and have a chance of a life. even if i am single forever with the kids at least i will be alive. i want to choose my own bedsheets and when i am allowed to have the heating on and when i can get my haircut. just the stupid things of life that we are denied. i want myself back. i am sick of waking up crying every day that i am here and what crap will happen today am just fed up.

also i hope when i am in a better place i can offer support to others on here too. it feels so good to let it out as i really dont have anyone in rl family and friends all on his side as he is the golden boy and i ama troublemaker for telling lies and upsetting the family. and for thinking of taking kids away from their dad. everyone blames me and when i go there isnt one physical person who will support me. oh well i know it is what needs to be done.

yummy no idea re costs... but that does sound expensive, can you get a few more quotes or speak to Women's Aid to get an idea of what you should/shouldn't be paying for?

Reading your first post earlier, sounds classic d*ckhead. How awful and it was TOTALLY not your fault!

My H has just upset DD terribly, won't go into too much detail but involved him lecturing her about how fat she was and how she shouldn't have anything for dinner except a salad and how she'd never get a boyfriend because of her size... this is a 17 year old girl (who I might add has an offer for an Oxbridge uni, very hard worker and so clever, I am still turning cartwheels with pride and to be fair he's proud as well) with a fragile ego and he just laid into her. Then she ran crying upstairs he asks me why she is 'having a fit' ...?? it is like he is on another planet! I've told him before that it's a no-go area (and she isn't really isn't fat enough to merit all that) and he must have known what he was doing. I have an appointment with Women's Aid tomorrow morning and I sent them a long email today, was quite cathartic to write it, hope I make it there as it's 10:00 and I can't leave until after he's left for work... will be tight for time. I'm feeling like it's the right thing to do, was wavering earlier this week as I can convince myself he's not that bad, sometimes.

LeClerc I think that it is a shame that there are some in your church who would 'blame' but it may be a time that they can learn to be more accepting? Hope your kids are OK, I was furious and so sad on your poor DS's behalf when I read about what FW had done.

Not much time to post these days but hope everyone is progressing. Good luck to all!

Fi... LOL re: shi(f)t!