Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

MrsM

how lovely Silvery !

Here's hoping! I think we could all do with a bit of warmth and sunshine!

I am so damned tired today.
Should never have got into the wrangle with him over visits.
It is too exhausting even thinking about it.

The last couple days have been complete hell. Shouting and swearing at children and then me. He smacked one DC (preschooler) on the hand and left a handprint. When I confronted him on it, he blamed the DC for winding him up.

He's pouting at the moment because he was shouting at DC and I told him to stop shouting and he turned on me and then was shouting and swearing at me. So I told him to leave the room, leave me and DC alone, just get out of my face. So he went upstairs to pout. DC was only home 10 minutes from preschool and he was already shouting at him.

I told the paed everything at DC's paed appointment yesterday. Asked her where the line was drawn for discipline v abuse, as he left handprint marks twice. I also asked her not to put the information in the regular letter to DC's GP, as we get a copy and I didn't want H to see that. He'd go nuclear.

Making plans. Had enough.

I sent him another message saying basically (in far more words)-

if you want to be inflexible about this then that is sad. I don't think that is enough time for you to maintain the kind of relationship with your dds that you had with your older kids.

fair enough, you are annoyed with me, don't take it out on the kids.

if you want to talk about it then lets talk. if not then rigid and inflexible it is.

(damn damn, now I have read this- wish I had been this brief instead)

of course I am assuming that this missive might reach some kind of reasoning person at the other end.

why? why?

oh well i can but now sit and dangle at his whim yet again. walked right into that one. still I feel better. I am not threatening to stop him seeing the kids.

to quote him 'my conscience is clear'.

hopefully that will help me to sleep, perchance to dream...although hopefully not about car crashes, hoovers or teddys of doom.

Alice oh bollocks. what a FW. mine would do the same and then accuse me of undermining him if I intervened.

Wishing you successful planning and a rest from swearing.

Alice - glad you have a plan, that sounds like a horrible situation to live in. Do let us know if there's anything we can help with.

Mink I missed the discussion last night, but I think I agree with you, that 3hrs a week on his terms aren't enough for the kids. But if he doesn't want to engage with them, he can't be forced to, sad state of affairs. Could you contact a lawyer over this? I'm sure there are other couples living with the shift issue - my ex works shift, and so would see DS1 for longer on the weekends when he wasn't working.

pony he could be perfectly reasonable if he wanted to. he used to see the older kids pretty much when it suited their mum.

but that agreement was legally binding. as we were never married I don't think there is any legal recourse. not to mention if he won't do the right thing for the sake of his kids then they probably don't need him.

I have not given up hope that he will start being less of a git at some point.

but non binding agreements work two ways. so if we are busy, we are busy. in the past when I have been away at weekends I have offered him the chance to see them through the week. never takes me up on it though.

I think that's the crux of it, Mink - if he doesn't actively want to see them, then they are better off (in the long term anyway) without him.

I think what he would like is to see them for 3 hours a week, when it suits him, act like the big hero for doing so whilst simultaneously bitching to anyone who will listen about how he is only allowed to see his kids for 3 hours a week and what a devoted dad he is

I could be wrong of course, I could be wrong.

of course, were I, for example, to try and move elsewhere he would hit the fecking roof.

mink I've found that to be one of the issues, it genuinely is one rule for the EA FW and one rule for you.
So many examples of this it makes me laugh.

Had a reply from my counsellor, she's telling me things I have learnt from you guys so I think I need to step up a get to get my money's worth!

Lovely spring day today, filled with so much promise.

Alice I am so sorry :( sounds awful.

mrsm I am dreading the weekends too. I have volunteer work that I currently do, so hoping I will be able to keep it up.

I still haven't done anything with the draft petition. I am in two minds if to hang on to it until I move or get it sorted now. One thing I am worried about is legal aid finishing in April for family matters. I just know my ex will drag it out if he can. But on the other hand, I really don't want to be anywhere near him when he gets the papers!

Hi All

I've consciously tried to spend less time here/post less as I became concerned that H may have tracked me here. However am feeling less strong without the support so what the heck..... plus H has been 'nice H' recently so actually don't think he's onto me.

Anyway just wanted to check back in. I've skim read through everything and people generally sound so much more positive apart from the usual level of FWery

I have definitely had a few bingo moments whilst whipping through:

yy - to scary driving. H just loves to be stuck up someone elses tailgate, especially a poor unsuspecting Granny. And he loves the sound of his horn nearly as much as his own voice

yy - to being accused of undermining when you stand up to them on behalf of your DC. Frequent event in our house. And when he actualyl does undermine me (eg Me - Don't hit dogs, we respect living things, H - it's fine to hit her , she's only a dog) then it's just a joke and I should stop overreacting.

alice big hugs with H hitting your DC. What a horrible thing to witness. But well done for standing up to your H and for flagging it up with the paed.

everyone else - keep going, we will get there.

News from me - I have arranged to meet my parents during a lunch break and am going to tell them everything. The EA and about the affair too. This is partly because H is being lovely at the moment and I keep wishing that I could undo knowing about the affair (he still doesn't know that I know). So telling my parents will make it more real and also spur me on to follow through.

I'm feeling massively disloyal though. Firstly through talking to my parents. If he knew he would sneer at me ' you're just running back to mummy and daddy'. But that is EA and I know that I'm not, I just need some help to get through this. And also through telling my parents about the affiar before I tell him. But then he has committed the ultimatle betrayal.

Am also feeling weak. Despite finally taking some steps to get out I feel like it is the affair that has driven me on. I feel like I should have acted through just the EA as that is a good enough reason to leave. But deep down I think I might not have acted on that alone. It's almost like an affair is a more valid reason to leave and I 100% don't believe that. Just that it is more understandable to the majority of people.

Have tried multiple times to book a solicitor appt but the line is constantly engaged. Have resorted to email (from my work account). Just want the appt booked as that feels like another milestone

bounty good to see you. hope you get an appt. soon. sometimes we get so used to being slow boiled frogs in takes something dramatic to give us the last kick. the affair is part of EA anyway. it us all a lack of respect. .

Glad you feel able to post again.

Evenin' all!

It's so weird, this situation I'm in. I'm still trapped in the EA relationship, but feel free because he's away so much and I'm planning my future without him. It's easy to have a difficult day like today (talked to CAB who said my situation is too difficult; they can't advise; I need to speak to a solicitor) and think, "Oh, leaving is too difficult, and life isn't so bad now - why bother?"

But this is a man who has taken seriously what I have to say about his responsibilities only once - when I mentioned leaving. And even then, it still took him over six months and lots of conversations with other people who effectively stuck up for my pov.

I called my WA worker and arranged to see her this week before he's back this weekend because he's home for 4 days and I need a bit of a morale boost first, plus I need to know why she suggested not telling him I want to leave as I'm just fed up of all this waiting around. So glad that she's got time to see me at short notice!

bounty - go for it with telling your family. You will feel better. I used to get the 'fuck off to yer maw's then' responses to, well, everything. You are not being disloyal. But he will sneer^ if he finds out, so prepare yourself. Totally understand about the affair feeling like it's more 'understandable'. But it's still perfectly understandable (to us, anyway!) why you want to leave even without that.
Plus, what mink said!

Hey Charlotte - CAB - too complicated so they can't help you???? !!! Good idea with the WA, see what she says - you are on fire!!!! Maybe she feels he'll ramp things up if you tell him before you are ready to leave right away? Good luck with seeing her.

Is there any way you could get to a solicitor while FW is away Charlotte?
Bounty, I felt better once lots of people knew. Mainly because they treated me with genuine kindness and FW really didn't.

Oh and I was also told frequently to "Fuck off back to my mums if I didn't like it" Pony. So one day I did!

Ah, Match, he'll be away again come next Wednesday so there's no hurry! He doesn't spend an awful lot of time at home - too busy being important and seeing the world. (And, of course, when he is at home, he's locked away in his study being important and staying in touch with the world.) Me, I'm just the housekeeper/nanny/personal assistant.

:o pony - just a damp squib when FW's around, though, unfortunately.

I think he has a completely different view of what our marriage was like. He never thought I had cause to leave, so never thought me leaving was anything more than a strop.
Yesterday he asked me in front of the dc if there was nothing about the house that I would miss once we were divorced. Subtly reminding me that once we are I won't be setting foot in it apparently. Then went on to say how much he loved HIS home. That was just it. It was HIS home. Everything about the furniture, pictures etc was HIS decision. I can't put a price on being able to buy whatever I like for my place and can't wait to have bought so I can decorate how I want. Work out my own style.
The counsellor thinks I have deep-rooted self esteem issues and I have been working it back in my mind. Each time I go it is like unravelling a bit more of a giant ball of yarn.

Match - that's exactly what I did too. And I also had no input into my home, it was his pictures on the wall. My stuff stayed out in the garage in boxes, gradually getting ruined by mould and mice.

Not at all Charlotte, you are dampened but still smouldering. In more ways than one, I'm sure!!!

Leclerc . Get that divorce started!