Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello all. FW's gone away again, so I can relax and do what I want in the evening now, which is nice.

Fi, thanks for that link. I've come across that list of 9 traits before and think he has 5 of them, although whether to sufficient extent to count, who knows? I also looked at characteristics of a narc female parent and thought I could see him in some of it. Violating boundaries, for example. Was interested to see it stated it was about "destructive narc parents" - is there another sort of narc parent, I wonder? H seems basically nice, but doesn't seem to understand other people's feelings. Incapable of empathy, but not exploitative, I suppose I'm saying.

Tbf, I'm not at all hopeful of a brighter future with him. I'm thoroughly depressed by the idea that he might actually make enough of a change as to make him liveable with. I'm confused by what he's doing at the moment, which is behaviour no FW should be capable of: listening to all my grievances, recognising he's not the man he thought he was, expressing a desire to change completely (no more criticisms).

I'm now wondering if I've kind of forced him into being controlling by minimising my own feelings myself and treating his feelings as far more important than mine. I can't see anything clearly any more and I feel like someone in a movie who is desperately hurt and wanting to fade out of consciousness, but there's someone over her saying, "Don't go! Hold on, stay awake!" I just want to forget all this and go to sleep - but there is that lurking fear: when will I wake up again?

Not to mention the stress and overwhelming hopelessness I felt the past two days when I felt obligated to give him another chance.

Sorry for long and incoherent post.

Charlotte stop wondering and second guessing yourself. Just notice the emotions you are experiencing. It's like a kaleidoscope because you are processing a large amount of information and a number of different potential futures. Sit back for the ride, if you can, just for a few days

fly you're on excellent form tonight! v. funny, the posty and the milkman!

Many say the same about the RL ones around you saying the wrong things, yeah sure trying to be supportive but a very conflicted situation for us to be in with them calling him etc. You're keeping your head and I pray for a quick sale for you lovely xxx

I really wouldn't want to control you Charlotte no matter how much you tried to minimise yourself and make my feelings superior, it would just feel horrible and if I felt I had any part in that i'd have to leave (but I'm not yr H of course, so thats a bit weird or a FW)

Thank you fi xxx Fingers crossed for the sale, eh!

Charlotte I'm thoroughly depressed by the idea that he might actually make enough of a change as to make him liveable with. That says so much, doesn't it ((hug))

Keep strong everyone, it's so hard to come out of the fog, isn't it. It's so bloody difficult for rational people like us to get a grip on such an irrational array of fwittery and the fws are so damned good at fogging, hoovering and the rest of their ugly tricks

Maggie, hope you're ok?

I'm off to bed now (with dcat, no delivery people ) G'night xxx

but then again, I can't even nag! for fear of being told I was a nag

ha hah Fly tell dcat to keep his paws to himself herself?!

Ha ha, fi, dcat's too lazy to do anything other than purr

Charlotte I also think that statement highlighted by Breathe speaks volumes..

Bounty Thank you for the reassurance, it feels like everything I read lately makes it seem like I am the abuser. I am terrified of that thought really. I really, really, hope I am not the abuser.

Fed up of his entitlement about sleeping in the bed.

i'm signing out too.. off to bed with one male and two females. Although male [dcat] prefers sleeping on sofa [arm] and falling off regularly, and female [dcat] slinks under the sheets once Ive got all settled, the other female [ddog!] only rarely allowed up when I think dcats food at risk if left alone down here! although DDog is the most entitled attitude!

peaceful night s to all xx

Night Night fairy, sleep well and thank you for your support today. xx

No Problem Rose hoping you had a good night and can have an easier time today..xxx

here here tis re. not being obliged and also the single life.

or is it hear, hear?
still you know what i mean.

And this statement, Charlotte:
Not to mention the stress and overwhelming hopelessness I felt the past two days when I felt obligated to give him another chance.

You are not obligated. You don't have to give him another chance. You can just say: that's my limit. I'm out. (I know it's hard to do that, but it seems like you are torturing yourself, forcing yourself to live with someone you don't enjoy being with because if he is being 'nice' then you cannot think of a good enough reason to leave - but by doing that, you are basically saying 'what I think and feel aren't worthwhile in the relationship, it's only what FW thinks and feels that need to be attended to. Does that make sense?)

Rose, hope you are feeling better today.

Alice, how are you doing?

Bounty - glad you've emailed, I was the same, preferred to email than speak. But, ultimately, it did lead me to RL support as I met up with my WA worker and chatted to her.

Leclerc and mink - I know what you mean about resentment of their footloose and fancy-free life. I'm sure that FW is off out lots and maybe even seeing someone else now (no evidence, it's just a feeling paranoia ). I feel funny about it - resentful but at the same time something else that I can't put my finger on. When I dropped off DS2 at the weekend, I mentioned that he's had diarrohea and been very unsettled. I knew what was coming before he said it: 'Maybe you'd be better picking him up early'. He gets to say 'no, had enough of dealing with a tantruming boy' and send him back to me. My mum thought I should tell him I wasn't available to pick him up early, as it shortens my 'me' time if DS2 comes back early - but tbh, I want my boy back with me, I feel better knowing that he's with me, and I'll deal with him kindly and gently if he's upset.

pony same. it would be convenient for me if ex had the kids more. but then there is convenient for me and what is actually right for them. they have a great time with him when it is for a short time but his patience wears thin. then again why should I (still) make allowances for his inadequacies. he should try harder. Then again he can't 'practise' on the kids. and round and round it goes. and the buck always stops here.

I am kind of hoping he finds a really nice gf who will help out with the kids the way I did with the older two. I used to be totally bemused when they used to say- but you are sooo patient , you never lose your temper...and I used to think what is there to lose my temper about- you guys are lovely. (really they were like the best behaved kids ever- my kids not so much) now i am guessing where that came from. and I did as he would put it 'take their side' on numerous occasions. (as they did mine occasionally bless them)

(don't get me wrong- i am no saint. I get quite impatient with my two in the daily shoe/clothes/school bag debacle. other people's kids are easier)

and rose yes I might be a bit pissed if he is nicer to her than me but part of the treatment of me was because i had the kids so i can only imagine he will be nicer to someone else. and really whoever he meets, they have done nothing to me so I would not wish them a shit time and they may well be my best ally as far as the kids are concerned. I am done with him so really it makes no odds to me what he does.

what i am really hoping is that I meet someone new and he is nicer to me

MrsMorton hope you are ok- I did read your post re email counselling but did not have an experience of it. hope you find something that suits you.

charlotte i agree with the others. give yourself permission not to try again if you don't want to.

Thank you, all you lovely people, for your support and wise words. I'm starting to re-remember all the things he's done over the years, and see the holes in the things he was saying at the weekend - but it seems to take him being away again for 24 hours or more for me to start seeing clearly again! Tbh, it's exhausting emotionally, having him in and out of the house so often. I think I'm resolute again that I want him to leave, but it's much much easier to think that when he's not here!

Holes in what he said, just for the record:

he can't remember the incidents I mentioned, and finds it hard to believe he could say/do that - casts just a little bit of doubt on my version of events; also means if he apologises, it's like he's doing it on behalf of someone else.

he warned me not to over-analyse a couple of times - casting doubt on my thought processes again, a bit dismissive of my logical capabilities

he asked me to point out to him when he says something critical or controlling - puts me into role of teacher

he said he can't do counselling yet as he's out of the country too much - but gave no plans as to when he could and how

he said the most important thing in his life is saving the marriage - but I don't remember him asking me if that was what I wanted

he is taking me seriously now, now that I have said clearer than I've said before that I want to leave. So that's what I have to do to be taken seriously, is it?!

He just seemed to behave like a child; it was weird. Like he wants to be better and to be led through it (easier for him, I guess). He seems so different from some of your FWs - I can't remember him being aggressive towards me, not for ages. Maybe he uses passive aggression, though - not sure I'd spot that so easily.

Charlotte
The 'not remembering' is one for FW bingo.
By 'over-analyze' he means 'say anything that I might will see as a criticism of ME
help him means that none of this is any of his fault. In fact, it all your fault.
FWs have a very very long list of things that are more important than looking at treating their partners with any decency - anything from the football to sleep - anything, really.
The most important thing in his life is saving his marriage bunkum, poppycock etc. The most important thing in a FW's life is ... FW!
No, he is not taking you seriously; he is just upping the stakes/changing tactics.
FWs use violence if other strategies have stopped working. If they don't need to - why bother?
All you need to spot is how you feel.

Leclerc
This is just the fall out.
I am not a believer, but churches are just like anywhere else.
No-one - no-one wants to know. Not anywhere.
Well, here, and at WA and at the Freedom Programme.
Even on MN, when you move outside Relationships, and even there, people don't know; they don't understand; they don't listen. :(
Should they want to know and understand? Will they ... ever?
Fuck knows? :(
But don't blame the church specifically; they reflect the society they exist in.
Go to church - change church
Don't let FW take that away from you.

I emailed relate and booked the email counselling, just waiting for them to send me the form. I want them to hurry up though!! They said 14 days! Why so long?
I feel like I'm dying inside.

oh Mrs M sorry to hear that! Try just ringing them to find out what they do with the email process, how long you can expect to wait, etc. you might discover it just slipped through the net? or that they just have avery long list!

Dying inside?

Mrs M really don't want to make your feelings worse, but Relate won't deal with any form of abuse.
It is a good idea to tread warily when looking at any form of counselling for abuse.
:( at how you are feeling :(

arthritic I didn't realise that I might cancel them then. I emailed a couple of counsellors but no one got back to me. I need to do it in secret.

I've decided that next time H shouts at me for having an affair I will just up and leave. Otherwise I'm slowly building towards it.

Is there a Freedom Programme near you that you could get to, Mrs M. Realize that it will be difficult to get out not saying where you are going.
We all need to talk, but to people who understand, or it will do more harm than good. :(