Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

hope your dd is better soon. I'm sorry, I didn't realise, as I've really struggled retaining any info lately. brain fog

Hmmm, please tell me if this is normal? I feel like I don't love him anymore but I almost feel like I should for the sake of our daughter.

Things I write may be a little jumbled, bear with me.

I have felt like I am slowly but surely emotionally detaching, and I have found it a lot easier than I thought I would. I told him today that I miss intimacy so, so much, and yet again he didn't say anything about that. To be honest, he seems very apathetic about the whole thing which does bother me somewhat.It seems to me that if I stayed he would be fine, and if I left he would be fine. The more I see that he is not fighting for me makes me realise that he doesn't love me. . He just said that I have made it abunduntly clear how I feel about him (which I have) so what more is there to say. He said to me that most people he has met in his life don't want to be around him and have said 'they find him difficult to read' well after 5 years in this relationship, I still cant work him out!

So today we were able to laugh about things and have a joke. But this living together rubbish, when you are mentally checking out is awful. I cant help but feel like I have failed my daughter, why couldn't I picked someone more suitable to have a child with.

I then started to think about my personal development and realise I have a lot of work to do before I can date. I don't think I have ever had a sense of self, and I need to establish that before I meet anyone else. I am desperate for some bedroom action but I just think casual sex with someone would mess my head up and make me feel used.

I am a little worried about the nights as a single mum. I am very, very reflective and I can see myself getting myself all worked up and there will be no one there to hold my hand.

EternalRose I get what you mean about emotionally checking out. I find myself doing that - I guess just to protect myself.

Oh, Fi, your poor dd! And poor you!! And Leclerc, hope the night's better than you expect.

Rose, we're laughing about it and making it into a joke, too. Because (esp with the dcs about) what else can you do? He keeps saying he wants to talk - well, any time we try that I feel myself sinking back into confusion.

Alice, that list of things he has said to you - me too to 2, 3 and 4, and I'm now worried that if I use the word abusive, he will either say what yours did or, more likely given his recent strategies, say that I'm the one being abusive. He'll make out that calling him abusive is VA, like I said he called me lazy and selfish. And I won't be able to sort out the difference in my mind.

I was wondering whether to be straight with him tonight. Fortunately he has gone out for a couple of hours, so that lets me off the hook for now, I think. I'm in that awful stage where I'm wondering if he could change. He's admitting bad behaviours and attitudes, excusing others eloquently, twisting things with panache.

Alice I think mine was quite deeply affected by the death of his dad - as we all are/would be - and that he suffered from some sort of depression - it just wasn't natural, the way he was addicted to playing Civilisation for years (not even different comp games, FFS).

There have been a couple of times he suggested I see the GP when I was depressed, and I did, and it helped (though hardly getting to the actual root of the problem ). I also suggested to him a couple of times that he might be depressed, but he totally denied it.

OK then, if you weren't depressed, Ex, then the only alternative is that you were a lazy apathetic cocklodger. So in the end, I treated him as such and divorced him...

definitely felt I'd let mine down eternal by hooking up with a FW but not letting them down by leaving! No! Unbearable for them to be in such awful relationship and seeing unhappy parents, but abusive too.. no no.. felt I was doing the right thing.. but was terribly disappointed and felt compeltely rubbish about the fact that this is her father - bluurggh. He proves himself again and again to be a complete shit.. the latest is hearing talk of so many broken promises and the teasing and grief over tiny slights, but pleased its not int he house anymore.

Ifyou are worried about your coping alone, get other support services in place before the final flick. Like WA, who will validate why you are feeling like this, as does coming here. best to go tho, no good staying in it. when its destructive. take care xx

Sorry Alice, was just trying to help re solicitors advice. I know how hard it is to try and see them. In the last 6 months I've only been able to see mine once. I've been trying to get a follow up appt but have had to cancel it about 5 times because of FW/kids. Maybe you might be able to have an appointment over the phone if you explain your situation? Most of my contact with mine has been via my secret email address often in the early hours of the morning so she knows when I cancel appts its because of FW. They will be able to get stuff in place for you regarding restrictions for the childcare concerns with him. Good luck.

Sorry to hear about poorly kiddies, get well soon all x

yep DD very fed up, and loads of tears at having to take awful meds that make her mental health go all weird and upsets her desperately.. after the first night I called another doc to plead with him that she could stop them as was so much better than day before (was racing heart and breathless and temp of over 102 - altho lent thermometer to new mum over the road so only had forehead one left)... I think she has flu, had to stop the regular analgesia as not supposed to do for more than 3 days, and this started wed, so today is day 4. Just praying that I don't get it... just lost another study deadline - really possibly gonna throw in towel. bit sick of eveyting being such a bloddy struggle (more than anything trying to get my head straight and still streams of abusive emails from FW - stupid FW)

Alice, maggie is quite right, knowledge is power, I spent many evenings looking at the Resolution site, reading up about divorce, before beginning to execute my plan. Also did tiny things, like sorting bookcases, his to the left, mine to the right, which he was unlikely to notice anyway, and was a step towards the Final Division...

silvery thanks. food for thought.

Hello all, just read through quickly leclerc, Fi hope your DCs are better soon. Alice I hope you can contact the solicitor soon.

Well I feel like a horrible person now. H has booked himself in for counselling onhis own on Monday. He didn't want to go but I said I would leave if he didn't get help but now I am worried that they will think it is me that is the problem. Obviously I did have my part to play in that I never stood up for myself and allowed him to be so nasty but what if I was a bigger problem than that? So confusing.

Today I went shopping on my own which was strange but nice, and when I came home H had bought me flowers! Then I scratched the car and he was fine about it, all he said was to park further away from the wall next time.

He has moved out of the bedroom but refused to move to his mums to give me space as he thinks it will upset out DD but now he is being normal and dare I say it pleasant that I feel mean for wanting him to go. I just wish I knew if the niceness will last more than a few weeks. 5 years ago when I told him I wanted to leave he was nice for a year and then it all started again. I just don't want to let my guard down and be in this same position again in another 5 years.

Crikey, he managed a year? Did something trigger his relapse, or did things just slide imperceptibly?

A year? H didn't last 24 hours. sigh

Off to clean up my computer history now. Goodnight all, and thank you. Much to think about.

To be honest it may have been less but I remember thinking "that wasn't very nice" at the year point. He got steadily worse during my pregnancy (we conceived at the year point) and then I can see that he ramped it up when DD was born but I was too sleep deprived to think about it.

And I bet he made sure you were sleep deprived...

silver. yep. He used to say he would take DD in the morning so that I could sleep. I remember having been up every hour and finally giving up st 4am that I was desperate to hand DD over at 8am. H got annoyed that I wanted to go back to bed before he had finished his cornflakes. He let me have an hour sleep.
Looking back the control over using the car, not buying my own stuff without running it past him first etc etc never stopped, I just didn't realise that it wasn't normal.

you doing ok Pony ?

Mine deprived me of solitude in my own house. He never stopped me going out - but a day on my own in the house was a rare luxury, to the bitter end, well after we were divorced (absolute a year ago this month, but it wasn't till August he actually moved out).

like having another child about the place silvery

only a lot less fun - boo

Hi hope you're all ok. I keep settling down to catch up then everything goes mad again! Just dc madness luckily. Four kids sleeping over and one on a play date plus shopping with dd1. But what a relief to have all that instead of dreading what tricks fw might pull! (He's still here but semi detached and damped down ATM. Till the papers are served - I'm scared of that bit.

Silver- yy solitude- that's what the fws never seem to leave space for.

Alice, what you wrote resonated so much for me too. Death by a thousand paper cuts as it's been referred to! The WA woman I spoke to summed it up really well- in a single dose it doesn't sound too bad but when it's every hour, every day, for years, that's what people can't understand.

I hope all poorly dcs recover quickly.

Back tomorrow for a proper catch up. Goodnight. X

I second the call out to Pony- you ok, lovey?

Fi :( about your DD.
What are the doctors saying?