Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 17

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

His oldest DS (and DIL & DGS) is visiting in the area this weekend, and that's one of the main reasons he went to the family do. I am worried that if I tell him not to come back while his DS (my DSS) is here, then he will be embarrassed by it and it will create a huge backlash from wounded pride IYSWIM.

hey Aliceyou are not stupid for letting him back, just human.
hard not to feel judged by the in laws but they are probably from the same cloth as him.
sounds in fact like you got one big bargain bucket of fuckwittery so feck the lot of them and what they think.

hard not feel guilty about him being ill but and it is a big but what has he actually done to earn your compassion or your sympathy or your love and devotion? occasionally not being nasty and being ill are not enough.

and don't worry that others might have a harder time. other people's comparative harder time does not make your situation more bearable for you.

hope this thread does a little tho!
i know it has certainly helped me all and my ex was gone before i arrived here and really was half arsed at being an abuser... much the same as husband approach to a lot of other things

husband his.

dam phone is obsessed by the words husband pneumonia and ostensibly.

how might he take it if you said i'm not going to ask you to leave while ds is here but once he has gone i would like you to go too...

or else say nothing until they have gone and then ask him to leave...

if you feel you can hang on...and/or that he will go when asked if he gets his foot back in the door.

really do feel for you having to put up with disappointment of him only managing one day of not shouting and the prospect of more to come.

his mum is lovely, but doesn't make him take responsibility. She just doesn't want to believe bad of him (of anyone, really), although she has told him on a few occasions that his behaviour was not appropriate. I miss his dad - he's passed away quite some time now, but he would have really put his foot down regarding H's behaviour. He would never have tolerated it. Ever.

My armchair psychology tells me that since H's depression and this behaviour began shortly after his father passed away, I suspect he feels his life went out of control and he asserted control in the only way he could - over me and the children. I gave him some leeway because of the recent death, instead of planting my feet immediately and telling him stop or push off, and it became a long term habit of abuse.

Not that I care much at the moment if that's correct or not. I just am tired of it. I want to be ME again. Not this weepy exhausted stressed stranger that is worried that some little thing is going to upset H and he's going to start shouting again, walking on eggshells all day and preparing to step in if he starts on at the DCs. Just want to be me - happy, confident, comfortable in my own decisions, and not feeling like every day I have something hanging over my head.

Alice, you can be free again, one day. Don't ever give up hope.

Make a plan love. You can do this.

minkembra sorry, but thank you - that actually made me smile - the phone being obsessed with those words - husband, pneumonia, and ostensibly. What an awkward combination of words.

He's actually at MIL's tonight, as is DSS and his family. So H is not here. So it wouldn't be like I told him "in front" of DSS. I'd send him a text or ring him. So semi-private I suppose. Whether or not he shared that info with DSS is up to him, although he classically tends to rant when angry.

The things that keep running through my mind tonight...

"I'm not abusive - I don't hit you!"

"I made an extra effort to be nice to you today."

"Don't I get brownie points for not shouting about it?"

"You just don't get it do you? You don't care that I have depression."

"I'm only going to counselling because you pushed me to do it."

"It's your fault, you just keep pushing me/nagging me."

"Are you going to bring that up again? So I hit him, so what?" (DC)

"I'm not going anywhere. How dare you threaten to bring police in to get me out?"

God, I'm such an idiot.

sorry Alice if i shoved all your in laws in one bucket. your SIL does sound a bit grim though! so i just assumed. sorry. should not assume.

i guess what i was cack handedly saying is if there were justice then the blame would be laid fairly where it belongs not on you.

but i cannot actually say the word abuse to any of my exes family (some of whom i have just realised emotionally abuse my ex- hence think was projecting buckets ) because i would feel appalling guilty and because i don't have to justify myself and because it would hurt them. they know he is difficult that is enough.

so blame responsibility shifting is easier said than done.
if you do decide he should go, you will know though (where the real responsibility lies).

Alice don't beat yourself up. he is the FW.

minkembra seriously, no need to apologise. I do wish MIL would be firm with SIL and tell her to behave like an adult. But I understand that it's just not in her character to believe bad of anyone, plus she's having some memory problems (elderly) and I suspect she doesn't remember some of it. So I try not to get bitter or frustrated over it - she can't help it. She's always kind to me (MIL).

I think I'm just trying to build up the courage to tell him tomorrow to stay there. I know it will be ugly. I know that at this point even if I said it was for a few days, it will be the end of our marriage. It's at the breaking point, as am I. And at this point, he's told me so many times that he will change that I just don't believe him anymore.

Have you spoke to a solicitor at all Alice? Also when is his DS going back home? From experience I have left my FW many a time mostly in the heat of the moment when I have felt so low. It have never worked, I always took him back/returned home. This time I am taking the time to carefully plan and I feel different-stronger. This may be the wrong advice, but I would say to use this evening to give yourself strength, map out an escape plan, make plans to see professionals that can back up your decision, sort out any court orders, housing arrangements etc. Knowledge is power and being fully prepared. Then make him leave when he won't have an audience to preach /cry to like he will tonight. He will probably turn it around and make them all feel sorry for him. Play him at his own game Alice

Maggie It's a thought that has merits. I haven't spoken to a solicitor. He's been off work sick for months - I don't ever have time to GET to a solicitor. The only issue I really have any concern about is the children - the rest will sort out. Because of his behaviour, I don't want them to see him unsupervised and I don't want him to be able to pick them up from school, etc. I don't think he would pick them up or push for unsupervised visits as he cannot handle them for 10 minutes while I'm in the shower, so he certainly could not deal with them for a few hours or more. He goes out of his way to avoid being the one in charge of them.

But I'm worried that if I keep letting him back in, he'll feel that he can do anything and I'll sit back and take it.

His DS is driving home tomorrow. they were only up for the weekend.

And at this point, he's told me so many times that he will change that I just don't believe him anymore. Alice he has shown you that either he cannot or that he will not change. Heartbreaking as it is, there is a point where all the love in the world is not enough.

You deserve to be loved, cherished, respected. You deserve to be believed, talked to as an equal. Nice should be normal, brownie points and gold stars are awarded for going above and beyond the call of duty, let alone self giving love, he expects them for mere civility.

There is no illness, no past experience that makes it ok to treat the people closest to us badly. There is no excuse that can cover a life of pushing someone down and cutting the ground from under them so that they are falling apart.

You deserve the space and the peace to be yourself.

So do your DC.

Believe that he cannot or will not change, arrange your life to take that as truth. then you will gradually heal and your life will be yours.

It is not your fault, it is his. If love, self-sacrifice and care could have made it work then yours would have...but you are only one person and the other cannot be changed by you.

move forward to something better

Leclerc oh no! if it helps at all, when this happens, I always put down either large fleece or towels on the sofa/chairs, so that any further vomiting doesn't get all over the furniture. Limits the damage somewhat. I have a huge stack of old towels used for this type of thing. DCs tend to pass stomach bugs back and forth a lot.

foolonthehill thank you. You are right, of course. But it's weirdly enough a hard thing to get my head around sometimes. I literally feel like a shadow right now. Barely here. Odd.

DS3 always seems to burp just a minute or so before he vomits. It's like an odd little "early warning signal."

I think it's because unlike the famous advert...we don;t think we are worth it....and we do blame ourselves for what they do to us....exactly why I couldn't tell you

vomit......my second least favourite thing to clean up...hope it was a one-off.

after being on red alert for hospital still here, 3 days later wasted with the wrecked nights of sleep, as dd STILL ill.