The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Boinging Into Spring, With A Dance And A Sing!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse and I'm one of the regular travellers on this Bus!

This is a Bus for drinkers, the completely sober, those fighting to stay sober and everyone in between! No matter what, you're welcome here if you feel you don't like the way you drink anymore, or you're worried for someone else.

Take a seat.

You'll be listened to, looked after and maybe (if you're lucky), slapped with our resident Squid, Barry whom I'm sure you'll meet in time!

So, what have you got to lose by posting? What have you got to lose by coming to say hello and telling us why you don't like the way you drink anymore?

And, if you'd like to see where we've been so far HERE IS THE LAST THREAD

And the reason we're ALL here in the first place, the first ever thread is ALL HERE

See you soon xx

Thanks Clutter - i really thought it would come back normal - a year ago I would probably not have had it done. As i was hearing the results, I almost started to think what is the point. But whatever condition my liver is in, it would have been a hell of a lot worse i suppose if i hadn't put the brakes on. It too my years to actually get to the point of stopping. Its so hard when you are in the cycle, you cant step far enough back to see what you are doing and the harm it causes. Now, it feels like i am looking at someone else's life, but i just hope that i stopped in time before there was any lasting irreversible damage. Well done for resisting the wine - particularly on a Friday. How good and chuffed are y9ou going to feel tomorrow when you wake all refreshed x

Aw MA & Mouse just huge hugs for you both ((( ))) life sounds so hard for you both.
Mouse do you know that Nemo is crying a lot? Could he be telling you that he is as he trying to use all the tactics that he knows to stay with you yet if you could see into his day it may be that he is exaggerating? I could be wrong but little ones are so clever & will use all their highly zoned skills if the situation is not going the way that they want. Could it be because you are so so exhausted that you are worrying more about Nemo saying he is crying all the time. I'm sorry if I'm wrong or insensitive or if what I'm saying is so far off the mark.
Maybe Nemo needs to know that he goes to school & it's a good place to be. He's safe there and it gives you some previous time to recharge your batteries.
Thinking of all other babes & hoping everyone's Fridays are going ok xx

1step how nice of you to post, and 14months is great. I so understand your feeling about your LFT - if there's something wrong what was the point of stopping drinking. But you know really that not drinking is the best and kindest things you can do for your liver. And how lovely to be able to say to the doc that you don't drink at all.

((( ))) for you poor tired little mouse and ((( ))) for ma

And lots of good strong wishes to everyone else - keep on keeping on. It's worth it.

Not ignoring everyone else, so much to catch up on with posts, sorry.

Just wanted to say to 1step that I've learnt a bit about LFT results in the past week. I'm no dr, but I've researched a bit. Do you know what your AST and ALT levels are? They are the ones which indicate the enzymes being leaked into your blood by a less than healthy liver and have parameters. The ratio between the two is also important. You don't know what your results would have been when you stopped drinking, could have been higher. Is your health otherwise okay? No, you have to be a long term abuser of paracetamol to have it affect your LFT results. If you do have the results but don't feel comfortable posting them then that's fine!

I planned to have a glass tonight, aiming to my long term goal to only drink sensible amounts 2 nights a week. Guess what? One mouthful, I chucked the rest. I can't believe it. I just decided I couldn't be bothered with worrying about my health. So maybe that counts as day four?

Will respond to the other posts tomorrow, promise!

Thank you for that lovely post mouse and all of you, all struggling with your own problems. You are all so kind to care for this brother of a stranger, only connected to you all through drink. Duh has had words with bro - strong ones. He has given him a mood diary sort of thing which he uses with his kids in care and told bro to record in it every time he has a change of mood, and to write how he feels. He says he has to do it to show us he is trying. Dh told him that they would meet again on Tuesday and go through it all and that Bro "better be fucking sober for the meeting or DH is finished with him". I don't know if tough love is the answer but bro was pathetically keen to show me the diary tonight and that he had made entries in it.There was also a half empty bottle beside him but all the doctors have told him not to stop cold, so suppose have to accept that. Sorry for hogging the thread recently - thank you all so much. sniff

Evening Babes Old and new - sorry but had a v busy week, work and daughter at home, but I've been following you all and sending out best vibes.
Still alcohol free - its great not counting the days but counting down to the next month on the 14th march - which will make 3. I still occasionally have the WW come snapping, but she's easier to shake off now. But the dreams are still there - always me making some sort of fool of myself drunk.

Sorry to hear about Richard Ma 2 weeks before I finally stopped I had fallen flat on my face alone at home narrowly (really narrowly) missing the hot woodburner and that scared the gooleys out of me - but I didn't stop - it was only when the bruising went down and I'd had time to think of the consequences that I took the first step and climbed aboard the bus. Now its the thought of going through the detox again, and slipping back to being a sad old wreck and losing my new life force that stops me picking up the first drink. That and the realisation that I am an alcoholic and coming to terms with all that actually means.

Keep on Keeping on Babes. I WILL NOT BE DRINKING TONIGHT/TOMORROW.

Hi - Thanks venus - I know there is no going back and having thought about it, the test has made me more determined and makes it easier in some ways as it removes any element of choice. angel thanks also to you. Yes, healthy otherwise ok apart from a heavy cold which seems no better after a full fortnight. The only results mentioned were alkaline phospholase 200 - normal is 130 - and gamma Gt 204 - normal about 40. I think these were the only two which were abnormal. I think chucking the glass after a mouthful def means today is day 4!!

I think they point more at a biliary problem? Blocked bile duct or something like that. Any other billiary problems? heartburn? burping a lot? They are not sky high readings either. If your ALT and AST were okay and not mentioned then I understand that to mean that your liver is not inflamed. Those enzymes are produced (and therefore give an elevated result) when inflammation is present. that's a good thing!

If you are worried about damage then you probably already know the process of damage alcohol causes ; initially fatty liver, then hepatic liver (liver disease) then cirrhosis. I'm summarising there badly, but that's how I understand it. I also understand that your liver can regenerate very well from the former two, given time (as you have done). Permanent damage of course cannot be reversed, but I've had the sad fortune to witness two people with cirrhosis and personally I don't think you can get that far down the damage road without having some other symptoms of what is going on. They both had big huge horrible symptoms and were still drinking too, both are still alive now and alcohol free. It's also key to note that I cirrhosis only occurs in a portion of heavy drinkers too.

But as I say, I'm not a DR and this is only advice from self-investigation. I'm sure you'll be okay, but doesn't sound awful to me by any stretch! When do you go back?

Sorry for high jacking, just wanted to help 1step out...

angel thanks for coming back to me - much appreciated. You sound very well researched. You've made me feel much better about the tests although I appreciate that i will just have to wait and see - i go back on Tuesday. Its my guilty conscience partly as my first reaction was well that's it - my past is catching up with me. Thanks again and I hope everyone is having a good night x

Just keep reminding yourself that 90 units a week would have probably given a much worse test result....! I know how it feels. I have a slightly raised alt of 77 and that's enough to have me worrying, and I can't be retested till May!! You've done really well. Make sure you update us!

I was up at 8 this morning and im just listening to the radio and reading a book and feeling really free for the first time in years. I was out for pizza last night and didnt drink. I walked past offlicence on way home and WW seems to be gone! Im feeling that she may not return! Its a lovely feeling. Ive been following everyones stories avidly. You are all inspirational and I empathise with all I wish I could pass the feeling of freedom to anyone who doesnt currently have it (And I hope it lasts but its enough to have it just now). xxxx

morning! sorry to be so 'in and off' right now, just life being busy - just read the last couple of days posts - much love to all babes, special love to all struggling babes!! just for today

WE WILL NOT BE DRINKING!

WE ARE NOT ALONE!

Morning, tis me, Mouse

1Step - you could have scaring on your liver too done by the damage from the drinking, that will show up on an ultrasound scan which could be . I have it on my liver and kidneys from years of drug and alcohol abuse. The raised levels could be 'markers' to show the damage from past drinking.

I know that my raised GGT and ALT &AST were also not normal so that pointed to excessive alcohol consumption. Which was the case because I was nailing the same as you were 14 MONTHS AGO!!! HUGE CONGRATULATIONS! You have done so well.

I agree with Angel that it could be other parts of the digestive system coming into play here now and the scan plus other tests are to exclude/diagnose further issues with the liver/kidneys/gallbladder etc

Thank you for posting lovely, such a positive post to read and welcome to the mad house!! xx

Clutter - his friends tell me that he cries too, not him always. His best friend tells me every day that he cried for ages and wouldn't play with him . Don't get me wrong, I expect some level of upset, he's been with me 24/7 since he was born.

I think that he is suffering his glue ear rather more than we can tell because it's inside his head, so not visual until it weeps. I bit like me!!

He's had an awful night with it again, I've had to strip his bedding poor wee mite. I think I need a daily planner for him, one that I can change, with some pictures that I can move around..... I need a laminator! He needs things kept so so simply.... I'm just willing to try anything to get him to a happy place in his own little world. He's been going since he was 2, it is massive fun, completely free play and no structure BUT that could be the problem. He's bored easily and will lose interest v quickly in things.....When I left him before he got ill and he was happy, life was brilliant..... now it's exhausting.

We've talked this morning about the chart, daily, about rewarding good behaviour etc and he seems ok, for now, about school. I'm going to play 'school' with him and some toys later.

Another added pressure I'm now facing is his nurse wants him tube free by school. She's changed from being okay about it to it now being a 'lets get him eating' so MORE pressure on us both.

JWN - 'in and off' what exactly? xx

venus - thank you for the hugs xx And from others too xx

Ma - how are things? How was last night and Richard?xx

Full - well done you for resisting!!! Well done for walking past a WW source too! You are doing so well! xx

Koala - You sound great! Seriously, you have so kicked ass and in such a short space of time too. Roll on March 14th! xx

Angel - my last LFT screening came back as normal! And I still have the odd drink. I was expecting it to be raised because I'm not teetotal but it doesn't work like that does it? It's all about how your body processes the toxins etc. Clever just how much the body can actually reverse the damage you do to it really, thing is, it can't forever and that's something I am all too weary of after years of poisoning myself!

Purple - are you out there lovely?? I'm thinking of you lots. xx

So, today I am mostly going to be trying to prepare Nemo for school by playing games and making it fun, going to grab some food for date night and leaving DH to 'seal' the bathroom floor whilst listening to the Rugby on the radio.

DD is out with her sperm donor for the weekend. She's not looking forward to it I don't think? She's v pale and quiet. It's up to her though. 100%.

Sorry for typos, Nemo is sat on my knee! Oh, and I promise to take it easy at the gym, there are only 2 machines I can use really, so it's mainly for the pool, sauna and jacuzzi.

Mouse I just wrote a long reply on my phone and lost it! Grr. It was just explaining LittleMissGee's progress of late in case it was helpful. I really think it took her till she was this age (nearly 5) to find her feet. She is so confident now and able to spend (some!) time apart from me happily. She seems much happier at school than at nursery, I think the routine really helps her. I don't think I could have done anything to really get her here quicker. She just had to do it in her own time if that makes sense?

Anyway, excuse the me moment but I also have to have a mini congratulatory moment for myself. Think I mentioned a few weeks ago that a big source of self loathing was that I drank on Friday nights, which is mine and DD special time. Last night was my first sober Friday. I am so pleased I did it. It's not a big thing but it means a lot to me.

Tonight I am going out but will be driving so that is that sorted. Today I will not be drinking.

Thanks MsGee :) xxx It means a lot to know that there are others out there who 'get' how I feel. He's agreed to go to school on Monday following a very detailed and in-depth discussion on why he has to go and what it's all about.

I'm not going to talk about it again until then. He's happy and asked to go NOW!

Congratulations on the sober Friday sweetheart. I bet you feel amazing don't you? xx

I do feel pretty good .

Watching her snuggled up asleep last night was lovely, to just be able to focus on that moment, aaaahhh.

Mind you, she's been a little madam all morning!

Well done on Friday msgee. Been so wrapped up in Richard's problems that I have not been congratulating you all on your successes!
mouse glad wee nemo seems happier about school.can dd play schools with him too, to give you a wee break. My dds used to love playing schools. Richard is OK for now. Writing in his diary, trying to be normal. Excuse me if I don't hold my breath. I got DH to take photos on my phone of Richard lying semi-naked, bloody and pissed on the floor while the ambulance crew stabilised him. I blew the pictures up and gave them to him telling him to put them on his wall. He was really shocked at them. Hope it gets through to him.
purple are you OK?
Has anyone taken Barry for a walk recently?

Mouse, glad you feel you have got somewhere with Nemo today, fingers crossed for Monday. Hope you can relax & have a lovely date night tonight.
MA, that sounds like such a strong and powerful symbol to give your db about where alcohol leads him to. Will pray for your family that things change for the better x
McGhee that's amazing about your sober Friday. Must of made managing your dd easier this morning?
I was meant to be going to a 40th party tonight but I'm doing 40 days of lent sober. I think the temptation would of been too much and I can not under any circumstances miss work on Monday so have cancelled.
I feel bad as I feel I've let people down but it feels like the right thing for me as not sure I could of done it.
I am really craving wine just now as been with ds on my own all day and kinda feel like I deserve it!
I am going to resist though, there is no wine in the house so think I am going to go for a bath, wash make up off & get my jammies on & make some nice hot chocolate
Good luck all brave babes, hope your all ok xxxx

Hello Babes did you miss me?!

I've spent 3 days obsessing over a new game I found on my kindle - it's called Wonderlines and seriously I got so addicted my DH started making faces at me (like he's never sat in the dark for hours watching all the Star Wars films back-to-back!)

I guess I do have quite an addictive personality, as well as alcohol I can easily get hooked on new puzzles. And then there was the doomed romance I clung on to for years (which nearly broke up my marriage) is there some kind of chemical triggered in the brain by addiction, that makes you feel good? are we alcoholics more sensitive to it?

Anyway, enough of the psychology, how's everybody on the Bus?

babyjane how did your scope go?
ma is there any chance you could talk to Richards GP and get him sectioned or something? this must be driving you and your mum mental. Glad to hear your DH has stepped up!
mouse that's great you got a deal on the healthclub! you so deserve something for yourself!
purple hello babe are you there? hope you're doing okay
clutter you absolutely did the right thing about the party, its brilliant that you recognise the triggers and are learning to avoid them
venus I saw that Isinde got a limerick, get you, Bus Poet!

and everyone else... hope you're all doing okay! I allowed myself 500ml of wine for tonight, and spent ages dithering in the supermarket because they didn't have one I like. I was torn between choosing a wine I didn't know, or buying a normal size bottle (DD told me just to get the normal one and not drink all of it ! Bless her, she's only 10, what can she know of alcohism at this age...) Anyway the Bus Fairies in my head got louder and louder and eventually I did the Right Thing and bought the smaller one.

Sorry for the epic post... I thought I'd better write it all down now because... I may spend the rest of the evening with my new puzzle !

Had a good walk today - bloody cold out though - watched the rugby and am just relaxing now. Having a dinner and sleepover tomorrow with work colleagues in a local hotel who are our clients. Don't like all of the colleagues going but hell, its a night in a hotel for free so I'm not going to complain

joey I think that there's quite a lot of good research about endorphins and alcohol and addiction which suggests that for people with an addiction the 'pleasure centre' is more responsive to endorphins than in non-addicts.

One of the difficulties is that chemical treatment can disrupt all the other good and pleasurable feelings too. So maybe we need to find other things that create the same feeling... Tonight I was driving home from Glasgow and there was the most beautiful orange/red sun in the sky. As I looked in rear view mirror I could see the skyline of the city with this beautiful globe glowing intensely. That felt good. So maybe I could become addicted to sunsets. Or rainbows. Or the smell of newly cut grass........

And why is that typing 'pleasure centre' make me think of something that isn't in the brain, and makes my post feel all smutty

Aw joey love the thought that when the ww comes calling all the bus fairy's come out in force to kick her into touch...like Glinda the good witch from Oz! at "pleasure centre" there is something a little naughty sounding about that Venus

Venus the old 'sheet shuffle' springs to mind

Funnily enough, I was thinking about that today. How we haven't discussed < whispers > sober sex on the bus for ages and ages. Must be because Isinde hasn't been about for a while? < evil >

MsGee I am totally getting your Friday night vibe. That was always my sticking point too.

Well done to anyone who resisted when they didn't want to drink. Be it one day, one hour, one drink. We all know how hard it can be sometimes. The good news is that the past is in the past. All we have to deal with is 'right now'.

Ma have you talked to Richard about his addiction? I feel so much for him. He must wake every day wishing it could be different. He must want a different life. He must wake up and say to himself, today I won't drink. But, but, but... something happens, something kicks in that is beyond his control and he is compelled to do it.

My heart breaks for him. I wish he could find a different way. He has to want this more than he wants anything else. It sounds to me like he doesn't have many more chances left?

Yes faire talked to him a lot. He at least is now fully open that he is alcohol dependent and can't beat it on his own. He is talking openly about his drinking but there are a lot of things he won't discuss which I know are part of the problem.
When he has an "episode" he is ashamed and guilty.says he is stupid and pathetic and has failed everyone.its painful to hear.but it doesn't stop him, he can't stop.
On Thursday night I was holding his head while the paramedics tended to him and he was saying " How did this happen? I'm so stupid, so stupid." And then he would be shaking and shuddering and crying. He is anything but stupid - he has two degrees and speaks three languages. But he is also an put of control drunk....maybe he is stupid.....ah hell, I'm not really in a position to criticise am I?