babes thank you for your advice and being there :) purps you are right I have so much going on - too much to even make a start on here but suffice to say I have pushed myself to make our lives better by trying to turn around the business(hence solving our finances) After seeking out coaching then counselling to help me with my difficulties I ended up at a psychiatrist and diagnosed ADHD.
Extremely brief explanation but it is a problem with cognitive function meaning not enough dopamine which leads to poor concentration, focus, memory, impulse control, distraction, racing thoughts, inability to stay on task and impulsiveness to name a few!
The diagnosis was like an epiphany and explains a lot - Apparently I am text book ADHD - dropped out of college, bright but underachieving, paralysed by procrastination, poor self regulation, chasing dopamine stimulating activities (stats are 60% more likely to be a substance abuser if ADHD) Anyway I have been hell bent to "fix" this dopamine imbalance to improve my productivity. //the drugs have at times been like a curtain lifting - I can stay on a task for hours without my thoughts flitting from one thing to another and never getting anywhere, I can remember things short term, I can complete tasks etc etc - It's been like a bloody revelation to see that I am not just some useless shite but actually when my brain has the stuff it needs I can cope with work like anyone else :) The side effects however are a nightmare I am on to my second attempt, yes work is improved but I feel like someone has pissed on my bonfire and my light has literally gone out. I miss my crazy motor mind, my constant need to be up and doing and I feel like I've had a lobotomy. Then' there's the physical stuff - nausea, mouth from hell, headaches, sleep problems etc. All of this I'm prepared to tolerate though for the sake of the family - to get me more productive and money coming in. I am exploring other avenues to bring in revenue and went through an interview process culminating in a very good job offer. I turned it down as again it wasn't the best thing for the family and would have made everyone else's lives more difficult not having the flexibility I have now.
I feel like I am making all the effort - DH contribution to improving situation - so far nil - so long as he's happy in his job he doesn't care it doesn't pay the bills and will refuse to even worry about it until the month we can't pay our mortgage - despite working 4 days now I am still taking responsibility for everything else. He does his chores but fundamentally it's me that plans everything, deals with discipline, childcare, shopping, finances paperwork etc etc etc so yes resentment is rapidly rising. (feeling marriage may be doomed at the moment :( )
There's more but I think I've typed enough for now :) - anyway suffice to say I gave myself permission to use whatever crutches necessary to get through this, acclimatize to the meds (no interactions with alcohol) etc etc - so permission to drink every night and start smoking properly again - looking after myself has come bottom on my list of priorities as something I will deal with later when everything else is sorted - well that's caused it's own problems and now I need to address things.
Purple what a shit day :( You poor thing. You are absolutely right, life is hard but I figure it's hard sometimes for everyone - how do we deal with the disappointments, challenges, arseholes, frustations etc without turning to the bottle? It's like the bit in the article where RB says then there is no girl etc - but it's only a momentary escape and reality is still waiting when we wake up. We need better solutions as alcohol is fickle, it gives then it takes away.
Thank you Joey and Lemony for trying to make things easier on me but I need to do both at once they go hand in hand at the moment - doing one will lead to the other.
Isinde thank you for posting the Ezra Pound poem, I am repeating it every day at the moment!
Sorry for me me me post - Love and happiness babes.