The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Boinging Into Spring, With A Dance And A Sing!

[Mouseface]

Hello, tis me, Mouse and I'm one of the regular travellers on this Bus!

This is a Bus for drinkers, the completely sober, those fighting to stay sober and everyone in between! No matter what, you're welcome here if you feel you don't like the way you drink anymore, or you're worried for someone else.

Take a seat.

You'll be listened to, looked after and maybe (if you're lucky), slapped with our resident Squid, Barry whom I'm sure you'll meet in time!

So, what have you got to lose by posting? What have you got to lose by coming to say hello and telling us why you don't like the way you drink anymore?

And, if you'd like to see where we've been so far HERE IS THE LAST THREAD

And the reason we're ALL here in the first place, the first ever thread is ALL HERE

See you soon xx

Purple if I only lose 1lb a week, that 52lbs a year (three and a half stone). I would be more than happy to be that much lighter this time next year. I'm learning moderation in all things, so I'm not trying to lose a lot too quickly.

In the past I've dieted, lost lots of weight, then put a bit back on and lost my motivation. So now I'm just going for 1lb a week or even just maintaining. As long as I don't gain I'm happy. This means that I can have a little bit of chocolate, or small piece of cheese, or one glass of wine. Then stop.

I'm not denying myself anything, but I am limiting it. This is all a bit new for me as I usually find it easier to just have nothing on my 'bad' list. But that's not a very healthy attitude, so trying to change the mindset.

I like it. I like giving myself small challenges, planning my strategies and then afterwards assessing whether it went well, or what I would do differently next time. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself, what motivates/de-motivates me, what my strengths are, etc. I know that success motivates me, so the more I achieve, the more capable I feel.

I feel like every day is an opportunity to do something good, better, different. It doesn't matter what happened yesterday, today is an opportunity to lose weight, get more exercise, get something on the 'to do' list done, whatever.

I think the ODAAT thing has gone to my head, I'm applying it to everything now

Hi Charley, well done

Charley bloody well done you.
purple are u feeling any better today. It is so hard isn't it.
Wave to green and guggs and everyone else

Well done Charley

Faire I so need to learn to be like you, more moderate in things. Not so 'bull in a china shop' approach. You sound so balanced.

Thanks Ma Mentally a bit better. Physically, my stomach still hasn't forgiven me yet, very tired and very 'bloaty'. Am going to have a bath in a while and settle down. DD is being a pain in the arse tonight Wants money that I haven't got for everything from a Jack Wills pencil case to a high-sleeper bed to money to buy some fish to keep at her Dad's!!

The corner shop is now closed so - that's Day 1 for me here in Purple Towers. Thanks for the support Babes xx

Well, I'm not quite there yet Purps, it's a work in progress. Well done on Day 1 x

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Purps - DD is being a pain in the arse tonight Wants money that I haven't got for everything from a Jack Wills pencil case to a high-sleeper bed to money to buy some fish to keep at her Dad's!!

No, what she wants is attention in the form of 'gifts'. She wants or rather needs to feel like you are giving her attention and this is how it's manifesting. DD went through a similar period when Nemo was born, understandably.

Okay - tough fucking love time. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't keep putting yourself at such risk. If my DD sat on the bed and asked me to stop drinking, I'd be crushed. You're not the first BraveBabe who's DD has asked for that.

Purps - you know how much I/we care about you. Your DD loves you....... people in your life love you. Sweetheart, we need to get YOU to love you... remember? This has to stop and you've done great not drinking today but each time you post saying that you're having a shit time, you've had a drink, fucked up, let us/yourself down, whatever, is a step BACKWARDS.

You are serious about stopping, I know that, I can feel that. YOU can feel that.... so where do we go from here? You need to find things to do when you are alone, that is a HUGE trigger for you, but you know that which is great :)

I'm worried about you, longer term, how you can fill your days/nights a day at a time. Answer me honestly, do you want to stop or cut down?

You have my full support which ever it is, and the rest of the Bus too as always lovely. Come on, let's make a plan. xx

evening!! got terrible IT probs here right now, if i disappear mid sentence you know why!

purps, keep drinking water! your bowels need to flush all the alcohol out! (i used to suffer from the runs always blamed it on 'something i ate' strangely i dont have the problem now! )

i have had a fantastic weekend, got a surprise visit from dd and sil both looking wonderful, dd more bizzarre looking every time i see her, think a cross between zandra rhodes and vivienne westwood with a bit of malcolm maclaren thrown in! i adore her! got my new car! go on!! someone ask me what it is! you know what a dreadful show-off i am! its a bit different to the XK but even quicker! today i have pottered in the garden for hours i ache all over but feel clear headed, calm and collected - tomorrow i am having my hair done, having a change from from white blonde, am booked in for a blue rinse dont know if i shall keep my nerve though!

fantastic post mouse!!

Just checking in, waves to all babes but especially wants to give purple a huge hug (( ))
Sorry things have been so shit but glad your back & posting sweetie, missed you
My dd has said to me a few times that she prefers me not drinking & I'm so ashamed when I think of some of the times she's seen me. But you, me, the other babes we can change. I want as my dd is going thorough her tricky teenage years to be completely present for her.
I hope your feeling better. Hope that you see your alcohol services person on Wednesday & can be honest about where you are & how low you have been feeling.
Hope all other babes managing to beat off the ww tonight
Night night babes x

JWN why do I have a vision of Toad of Toad Hall in my head?

< whistles innocently >

G'wan then, what is it?

Evening lovely Mouse I was crushed, totally. It was awful, the worst. I felt small and ashamed and terribly guilty. And trying to wriggle out of it with lies was the pits. The honest answer is that I do want to give up totally. It's just such an overwhelming, depressing and daunting feeling that I will always struggle with this. I understand that I need to find a workable coping strategy for when I'm feeling down or when shit happens but asking for help is such an alien concept for me. I've always found it difficult, nearly impossible to reach out. It's a question of self-worth - I have very little so can't see why anyone would be interested in me and my problems. I don't like to bother people, think they are probably rolling their eyes at the other end of the phone. I've been like this since I was a child. If you remember my Mum was a depressive alcoholic then when she died when I was 12 and I had to go and live with my father, my step-mother was cruel and vindictive and made life difficult for my father if he had anything to do with me - she was a barrier between us. He was too weak to stand up to her. The people that should have cared and should have been there for me let me down. Not an excuse, you understand, but a reason for why I'm the way I am. That's what I learnt - I was by myself with only myself to rely on.

The Alcohol Services nurse suggested asking for CBT but I have to be clear of alcohol for a month or so before they would consider me for treatment. I think I need some sort of counselling. I need to think that I am worth looking after.

The Plan So Far - ring the Dr in the morning, go for a consultation, ask for more Campral, see AS nurse on Wednesday and find out more about CBT.

Thank you Mouse (())

Thank you Jesus and Clutter x

Purps Great start with the GP. On phone as I'm having tech ishoos. Talk more tomorrow. You will be loved. You will get through this. We will all hold your hand and help unravel the twisted torment that sits deep within you. Sleep now. Tomorrow is a whole new day and we will help to find a way to break this down bit by bit, on your terms, in your time, at your pace.

Night xx

Night Mouse, luffs you. xxx

Hello all please can someone help me with this I'm really struggling:-( cant seem to stop at the moment not massive binges but enough that I feel ill and crap the next day. Wake up early hours cant sleep keep being sick swear I wont do this again then less than a week later I'm at it again. Is therapy an option? Like if I go to my gp and say I'm struggling wil I get help? I don't want alcohol issues on medical records tho thats only problem with that. Oh I just feel so utterly horrible my poor kids I just keep thinking why do they have to have a mother like me? I can do one day at a time but I need to stop for longer by tomorrow nite I wil be craving again. Please share with me your tips on how to beat this.

Hi mattysmum so sorry you are struggling & well done in wanting to make changes for you & your children. You can ask your GP for address of local alcohol services or quite often in the GP surgery there will be a leaflet. When you go to alcohol services it is all confidential and no record on your GP notes.
This is the route I've went down and honestly so far with the amazing help & support of the bus it has been amazing. I was worried about details being on my record too but when I spoke to my counsellor he assured me that it's all confidential.
I'm now waiting on the Allan Carr book to arrive as heard its meant to be really good.
Today is a new day I hope you find the strength to ask for help & start to make changes for you x

Thank u so much clutter!! I feel a bit more human now so thats something but no sleep and two small children is not good combo. I think if I try harder I could stay off the drink but then again if I had it in me I would have done it by now. Seriously feels like an illness to me. Will try the book too but wil have to hide it can u believe I stil don't mention this to my dp?? Right first day of the rest of my life here I come! How are you getting on with counciling? Did it take long to set up? Trouble is I get zero free time and there's no way I could ask someone to babysit while I go to aa or such... Hmmm what to do....

Morning MattysMum Welcome to the Bus. You'll get lost of good advice, sympathy and empathy here. Find a seat on the Bus or in the side-car. Just one thought, as I'm in the usual morning chaos here - as you mentioned AA, they do actually have an on-line help facility. They don't get back to you instantly so, for immediate help, it's not ideal but it would help with writing your needs/worries/concerns out and getting feedback. If you look up the official AA page there is a link from there.

Better than expected night here. A bit disturbed but nearly as bad as I feared. Feeling physically much better. Off for a bath and to start the day proper.

Matty how about putting some thought towards sharing a little of what you're going through with your dp? I don't know if that's appropriate in your relationship, but it woud take a lot of the weight off your shoulders. You would be able to read your book openly and maybe have someone to watch the dcs while you get to AA?

Even if you say it's not a problem right now it's becoming a habit and you want to be more healthy and find out the best way to cut back so that the habit doesn't creep up on you again. You might be surprised to find that there is a lot of support out there when you open yourself up to it x

BOING!! lovely morning here!

just a quick thought - my dd was desperate that i should stop drinking, i made every excuse under the sun, i lied, i carried on drinking, i have nights when i am told i would burst into her room in the middle of the night, i would either want her to get up and party or i would be maudlin and cry at her or be horrible - the poor kid was in fear of what i might do next, i took terrible risks with my own safety etc etc - every morning i would wake up in shame and fear and guilty self-loathing, it was a dreadful dreadful time (for both of us) i can almost taste the way i felt, desperate, miserable, ill (i had a taste of it again when i went on my binge a couple of months ago ) - i dont think i could have got sober without help, i took it from strangers here, at AA and from my family, i talked about it, i 'owned' it i suppose and just did it a day at a time - my first week sober was dreadful, i was scared, i didnt think i could get through life without a drink again, suppose i lived to 90 or something! dear god, the thought of struggling on all those years! the thing is, it honestly does get easier, just taking each day as it comes, not even thinking about whether i will drink tomorrow, i dont know, i might, i might not, i'll decide tomorrow! today is what counts!! as for dd - our relationship has never been better, she sees me trying, she sees that i do my best every day and thats all i can do! i guess all im saying is that you can get better, even little steps help, just saying perhaps that 'i wont drink on wednesday' and sticking to it, getting a few wednesdays under your belt and then adding tuesday, just keep trying!

Hi Mattysmum, glad you got some more rest & feeling a bit better. I would second what Faire said about maybe speaking with your dp if you felt able to. I say to anyone outside of my family that I have a physio appointment if I need to say anything.
I was first referred for counselling for anxiety as had been off work due to back & neck problems & the physio felt my issues were anxiety driven rather than actual physical if that makes sense? I knew that a few of the times I had been off sick with back & neck problems were due to hangovers & felt this couldn't go on.
The counselling for my anxiety was helpful for the anxiety and helped me to look at things from a different perspective. The counselling for help with problems with alcohol counselling had been helpful so far, a very different style of counselling which suits me. My counsellor is very chatty & friendly & links things up. Whereas the counsellor for anxiety left lots of long spaces for me to fill in which actually made me feel a little anxious but was I got past that I did find it helpful. I think all these things are combined & they all feel like little steps on a journey to a better, happier life.
I feel like I am trying to change 20 years of habit. I think alcohol has been good fun at times but more & more lately it's not been fun, it's been horrible & scary & left me feeling depressed. I hope you can find help & support that's right for you
Aw purple glad your night wasn't as awful as you thought it was going to be and yep new day, new start x

Hi Mattysmum.
you can do one day at a time? That's all there is. days. Just do today.
Good luck. Take the advice of the clever kind babes on here.

Loving the sunshine. Just loving it.

How are you today, Purple?

Faire, loving your work.

Is LRD around today? How are things going?

Have a good day all

Morning, tis me, Mouse

Matty - welcome back, I second what everyone has said re talking to your DP. Making it 'real' will take the pressure off you sweetheart. Keeping a secret is hard work. I have no doubt that he will support you, be there for you and help you because he loves you :)

Purps - what time are you at the GP, I bet you've posted by the time I finish this! I wrote everything down when I went because I couldn't say it out loud. I was too scared to admit what a mess I was in. I drove to the docs over the limit from two days previously, that's how bad it was

Be honest. Let it all out. So what if you cry, I did, Buckets. It was such a relief to finally say 'Help, please, please help me'.....

I'm thinking of you xxxxx

I'm loving what Jesus said about having one day off and sticking to it and then once that day is nailed, add another, then another...... that's kind of how I tried the first time. I'd reduce my intake, bit by bit. BTW, that post you wrote was me not that long ago, bursting into DD's room, dancing round the lounge til 2am, waking her, showing off, then swinging to the complete opposite, the down side and wanting to end it all for being a worthless mother and wife - I felt every word hitting me hard JWN

I started by swapping full fat wine for spritzers, cutting out the voddy, and upped the water and soft drinks. Pomegranate juice in a tall glass, with slimline tonic and a couple of chunks of lime with crushed ice is lush. You can make anything you like, especially now that spring is springing into action (she says looking at the freezing fog rolling across the hills and garden )

It's not easy is it? It's not fair. Why can't we drink? Why can't we just drink what we like and enjoy it?

Because we go too far. Every. Single. Time. So, we either have to not drink or drink in very real, very honest and controlled moderation. I hate being pissed and out of control. I hate having a thick head. I hate the cloggy feeling in my mouth when I wake, the thick fug of emotional crap that swirls around my head when I lie there wondering wtf I did the night before, who I hurt, who I upset, what damage I did etc..............

So I'm with you on that Clutter - me and alcohol have had some great times, genuinely good, fun times but now, I daren;t risk what those good times could turn into. I know myself now, I know my limits, I understand that it takes one sip to many to make my night a regrettable fuck up of a mess.

It's. Just. Not. Worth. It.

Today, I will mostly be taking Nemo out and about to keep him busy and to the big park in town so that he can burn some steam off. I might get to go to the gym for a short while if he'll stay with DH. Cross your fingers for me Babes

Hope you're all okay out there, wherever you are xxx

purple I can reccomend CBT, it helps manage your feelings NOW (not usually focussed on issues in the past)

If you are waiting for an NHS appointment, in the meantime I suggest Feeling Good by David Burns - it's quite old now, but I think still relevant.

Hey babes, OMG I've had the worst fucking day of my life.

It's day 1 BTW, should have been yesterday, but my friend came round with some beers, so 1 led to 8,9,10. DP flipped out, and took the day off work today so we could talk, we got a lot sorted, and I was 100% honest with him, he's been great.

however the friend that came round yesterday, had her Mum looking after her kids, she left here, and didn't go home, her Mum thought she was here today, she wasn't though, just me and DP so she rang social services and told them i drink drive my children to school??!!

I can honestly tell you, I have never done that.

What the hell is going to happen now? I mean, it will be all round the school I just know it, god I want a drink.