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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?

193 replies

ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 17:00

DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.

It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.

OP posts:
PirateShit · 16/02/2013 07:50

Hiya scented. Just read your thread from last night and then saw you'd posted this morning. Just wanted to say sorry you are feeling sad. I think you should definitely follow other posters advice and challenge him on his behaviour. Keep telling yourself that you and your dd deserve better than this. I spent 5 years with a complete arsehole and now when I look back, I can't believe I stayed that long! Have cuddles with dd today and think about your next move.

MyPreciousRing · 16/02/2013 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 16/02/2013 08:02

Oh OP, I wouldn't put up with a housemate like that let alone the person you're meant to love!

I don't think the text was for you (his behaviours confirms it really doesn't it?)

You are beautiful and sound like a lovely person, far too good for him. Don't waste your time with him. I spent a lot of my 20's trying to make a relationship work. I left broke and broken as a result of my efforts but was happier within days of being free. As AF predicts, I do kick myself that I stayed with him so long. You'll be fine on your own.

bringbacksideburns · 16/02/2013 08:03

I was going to ask if you had kids and i see you do. It would be bad enough him regularly staying out overnight like a teenager but why would he want to if he has his family. That's not normal. He would be back for 11 at least. You sound cowed and ground down by him. Do you go out? How would he feel if you did this?

You have all your life infront of you. Don't waste it with someone who doesn't seem to have much respect for you. Good luck.

tallwivglasses · 16/02/2013 08:03

My guess is his evening didnt turn out as planned, but this: "it breaks my heart when he passes up having a cuddle to play on his stupid, wanking, sodding computer." Is reason enough to get rid imo.

bringbacksideburns · 16/02/2013 08:06

And i agree if his normal behaviour is to vanish for most of the night why would he text see you soon?

TobyLerone · 16/02/2013 08:10

If the worst comes to the worst, it's ok getting divorced at 25. Really, it is. I did it. I was a SAHM of 2 and within a couple of months I had a full-time job and it was all good.

My XH was (still is) a nasty, abusive bastard. The second I'd made the decision to end the marriage I felt so much lighter.

It will be ok. Honest!

TwllBach · 16/02/2013 08:26

OP, I'm 25 and I was in a very similar situation last year, but (fortunately) I didn't have children or a marriage.

My then DP made me sad, undermined me. I didn't have many friends and my family was miles away.

I posted on here and I was given the same advice as you have been given here - you're young, you don't deserve this, get out.

I got out. When I think about it, I think the reason it was difficult was because, like you, I didn't want to "fail." I loved him but my over riding feeling was that I didn't want to fail when I had invested so much in a relationship, but in hindsight I sort of think now, well wasting another year/two/three of my life not being happy is a failure.

It's more difficult for you because you're married with a child, but could you use that as another incentive? Do you want your dc growing up thinking that this is a conventional relationship?

You sound to me like you've reached the place where you know what you have to do, you just can't do it yet. I remember being there. It just takes time, now, OP.

Catchingmockingbirds · 16/02/2013 08:39

Your thread is so sad Sad I can't believe he just ignores you all the time like that. You deserve so much better.

KnittedCharacter · 16/02/2013 08:56

i would be thinking with him bein home early and miserable that he didnt get his wicked way with anyone.

i know it may be very hard for you to think about ending it with him especially if u still love him. but u need to ask yourself what do you love about this guy? I got divorced at 30 we were only married two years but the relationship wasnt right. I am now with a wonderful man.

You need to talk to him but be strong and tell him that you wont put up with his behaviour anymore. he needs a kick up the arse. sounds like it has become a habit the way he treats you and with u letting him treat u this way he has lost respect for you.

The best thing u can do is go out too with your friends! Show him you do have other interests and you dont just sit there waiting for any bit of attention he may throw your way.

you sound like a lovely girl. he sounds like an utter prick who does not deserve you!!

AmberLeaf · 16/02/2013 09:12

Sounds like he cut short his night out because he knew after that mistakenly sent text you would be on to him, now hes sulking because you ruined his night [in his eyes]

You deserve so much better.

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2013 12:05

Just what AmberLeaf says. You spoiled his night out and now he's sulking.

You know when you make the first pancake, OP, it often turns out really horrible and you have to throw it away? Husbands can be like that, too!

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2013 12:05

It's a sign of courage, leaving a man who treats you badly, not a sign of weakness.

Ithinkineedtogrowapair · 16/02/2013 12:43

I had a text like that and it was for the OW... It felt wrong so that night I hacked the computer and discovered everything.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 16/02/2013 15:13

Quick update- been out all morning/afternoon with DD to clear my head. Got home and DH has informed me that he's going to be making some changes that he hopes I will notice and see as positive, but doesn't want to discuss what they will be. He also wants to run me a bath this evening, order takeout and watch a movie together.
This isn't good is it? To come out with that out of the blue? Sorry, I'm leaning on MN for support too much here aren't I?

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/02/2013 15:17

No thats not great. :( Hes really covering something up.

As for too much support, dont be silly. But at some point you are going to need rl support. Do you have friends and family near by?

KnittedCharacter · 16/02/2013 15:19

Could be guilty conscience or he has seen the errors of his ways.

KnittedCharacter · 16/02/2013 15:20

I would be tempted to ask about that text

TheElephantIsADaintyBird · 16/02/2013 15:29

You say he's on the computer every night, can you see what he is doing on it? I'd be very tempted to have a good nosy round it.

Not sure about your last update or even the text. It could so easily be innocent, but can also see how it could be for possible OW. I think more investigating is needed.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird · 16/02/2013 15:29

Investigating needs to be done BEFORE you confront about the text!

MikeOxardAndWellard · 16/02/2013 15:38

Depends if it's too late. If someone had treated me like that for so long then I think any respect for them would have gone and I wouldn't be in love anymore. I'd forget investigating or analysing and just go.

TheFalconsmistress · 16/02/2013 15:43

sorry the nicey nicey stuff after his attitude never mind the suss text seems well wrong. On a side note DH was the same when DS was 1 and we were 25 addicted gamer and he was texting another woman without thought or time for me. He is a different man now but it only changed when I found out and told him to GTF. He stayed and changed but it took me to be strong to change things value your worth xxx

TweedSlacks · 16/02/2013 15:45

Scented.
In all honesty I think the fact he texted the OW last night and not you , then realised and texted you . Then saying he would be around 0400 ,but came home around midnight is abit odd.
He might have dumped / been dumped, by the OW.
There is an outside possibility he told her what he done re the text and she said maybe best if you dont stay tonight.
Of course I could be wrong , but I would be looking at Emails , especially sent items and his phone / phone bill.

All sounds like a guilt trip the take away and movie night.
Even if you are not computer literate a very quick letter enntry into the address bar will 'preveiw' websites begining with that letter . Ie double click on the address bar and press 'R' and mn relationships appears as if by magic

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 16/02/2013 15:46

With regards to being on the computer so much, I am fairly certain that part is innocent- I can usually see his screen and it's always some kind of game.
He's also just told me he's decided to sell the pc and is currently listing it on eBay as I type Confused I don't know what would have started this little flurry of change, it's truly odd. Unless he's been lurking on this thread
I'm not going to confront about the text yet, I'm going to just keep my eye on how he is with his phone over the next few days- hopefully that will give me clues as to whether it'd be worth checking.
I do appreciate the replies and time from you all. I have family close by, but I'm not sure how to express what's going on to them without them wading in and making things more difficult Grin they mean well, but are a heavy handed bunch.

OP posts:
TheElephantIsADaintyBird · 16/02/2013 15:52

And you're just going to let him sell it on without even a little snoop?!