Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?

193 replies

ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 17:00

DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.

It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.

OP posts:
MikeOxardAndWellard · 15/02/2013 20:42

Aw bless you! Crossed posts and I recognise myself from a decade ago. I was in a horrible marriage and used to cry at the thought of being divorced by the age of 21! I did get divorced before then as I couldn't put up with the ex's terrible behaviour any longer. It was the best decision ever. I met dh shortly after and fell in love. We have been together 10 years and are still living the happily ever after. Get rid of this knob. Nobody cares if you're divorced or not these days. You could be passing up your perfect man by hanging on to this knob head just for the sake of ticking a different marital status box!

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 20:50

Thank you all so much, I can't explain how much better I feel just getting this all out- you've all been so kind.
I know that this can't go on, even if he is faithful and the distance etc is all in my head, I'm still not happy and that's not good enough- for me or DD. Especially DD. She's so wonderful, and it breaks my heart when he passes up having a cuddle to play on his stupid, wanking, sodding computer.
I'm going to give this talk a try (I know I might be mad to bother, but I need to) and his reaction to it will dictate what I do next.If he gets angry again, I need to leave.
I don't know how I will, I'm a SAHM and have no savings, but I will cope.
I will, won't I?
It's times like this I feel very young and out of my depth.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 15/02/2013 20:50

Just a thing that popped into my head re: the text. Does he do drugs? Coke for example? That could explain the, uh, unusual 'friendliness' and warmth of it. Maybe MDMA? Do they get high, drink and play games all night? On uppers. Just a thought.

AmberLeaf · 15/02/2013 20:57

You absolutely will cope Scented and you will be happier.

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 21:00

It's times like this I feel very young and out of my depth.

Well, there I have some good news and some bad news. I am 34, and I still feel young and out of my depth. And I don't even have kids - I am scared of it! I am in awe of you for doing it, seriously.

Basically, I don't think anyone ever really feels in their depth. You just muddle through and get better at hiding it. Smile

Does anyone have Olgaga's Big List of Financial Stuff?

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 21:00

he must have started snorting/throwing the pills down his neck the minute he walked through the door of his "mates" to send a text like that only 20 mins after arriving

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 21:01

No drugs kali, and definitely not with work mates.
Thanks Amber Smile

OP posts:
kalidanger · 15/02/2013 21:02

Yep, AnyFucker A couple of lines and he'd be feeling quite quite lovely and at peace with the world almost immediately.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 21:02

MadBusLady That's very reassuring, in a strange kind of way Smile You've been lovely, thank you.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 15/02/2013 21:03

No drugs kali, and definitely not with work mates.

Oh good :o

Rowlers · 15/02/2013 21:06

Well no real expertise on these things but I just ran your story past DP, who normally gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. He too thinks it sounds fishy.
FWIW, you sound a very giving person. Remember sometimes you need to put yourself and your daughter first.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 21:19

kali, I guess it depends if you believe the premise of the story he tells in the first place

I certainly do not

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 21:51

Would you guess he's not where he says he is then AnyFucker?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 21:55

I would say he is untrustworthy and disrespectful, love

After that, it doesn't really matter where he is

KnittedCharacter · 15/02/2013 23:04

Please dont let him walk all over you. He is getting away with disrespecting you and going out all the time needs to be addressed.

you definitly need to chat to him and address these issues. Sounds like you are both unhappy in this relationship. Is there anything you can think of that you do which may annoy him or piss him off so much so that he has lost respect for you?

leadinglady · 16/02/2013 00:13

I know a lot of mners have said it but I would be suspicious too, and I don't think the message was meant for you. The reason he responded to your text with a X is because it would look too weird to ignore it. I get the impression that after he leaves his gaming friends he's probably going to see someone else. If he is seeing someone else I doubt his friends know about it. A lot of people frown on adultery and in my experience people who tend to have affairs keep it to themselves until they get caught.

Again if it feels odd to you it's because it is. I would spend the evening going through his things to see whether I could find evidence. If he is mean to you and potentially having an affair are you sure you want to give him a second chance.

All relationships have their ups and down and only you know whether this is just a bad patch or worse. I think you should have the talk. Good luck and i'm so sorry you are going through this.

MyPreciousRing · 16/02/2013 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babynothing · 16/02/2013 01:15

I don't have much to say to the already wonderful advice given here OP. What I will say is that you are stunning and I'm struck in your pics by how much life and vibrancy you have. Don't let this unworthy man suck it all out of you. Leave him (when you get your courage up of course) and leave him to his Friday night gaming (which really says it all about what a tedious nitwit he must be!) You can and will do better but not if you stay in this disrespectful and damaging 'relationship'

I wish you all the best. You sound like a lovely person, with so much love to give. You will find someone to share it with but this man is not him I'm afraid.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 16/02/2013 01:38

Love, you are in your 20's - you should be out there enjoying, living and loving your life. It doesn't matter how much you try, he's not and it takes two. It is hard when you have married and made a public statment about your love & commitment, to then turn around and say 'it's over' - but honestly, you just have to think 'who gives a fuck' none of those people are having to live your life. You and your lovely little DD will be much happier away from him - he's not a nice person. I don't want to spoil any of your memories, but look at the body language in your wedding photo... it's a bit of a clue :(

I know right now you probably don't feel young, I know I didn't at your age when a long term relationship broke down (I felt like I'd never find anyone else blah blah blah), but I tell you what - you are young, but the time between your age and your 40's goes by in the blink of an eyelid and you will regret wasting time with this loser - you really will. Get out now and stop wasting your youth, energy & passion on this tosser. He's messed with your head so you don't have the confidence you should have... he's been a bastard, stop putting up with it!

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 16/02/2013 01:40

Oh & that message - it wasn't for you, I'd bet the house on it.

He's already had enough 'one more chance's' - he's already had enough of your energy - look at your past threads, you don't need to give him 'one more chance' - he's had a bundle of them and shown himself to be a complete twat everytime :(

KeatsiePie · 16/02/2013 03:19

I don't know if it's okay to bring up other threads (new, or newish), but I did a search after you said something that made me think you had posted about him before.

He really sounds awful.

And not just b/c you're only posting about the bad things and not the good. His overall attitude toward you. How little respect you're entitled to vs. how much he's entitled to.

If he is cheating, I wouldn't be surprised, b/c, again, he really does not seem to respect you or like you or value you. (Which would not be b/c of anything you did. You're not fun anymore? Well, 1, that's right you're not, b/c you're spending all your time trying to compensate for a grumpy, neglectful, entitled shit of a husband. And 2, he's not much fun anymore himself is he.)

I get not wanting to be divorcing at 26. But better that than divorcing at 36, that much more worn down from another 10 years of this shit.

Have you had the "one more time" chat before? Kind of sounds like you have. If not, and you want to, then sure, but as people have said, set some short timelines for the outcomes you want and stick to them. And if you have had the "one more time" chat before, then I would not have it again. You're so, so young. You could have a lovely life right now.

Sincere apologies if it was not all right to bring up your past threads, I don't mean to be rude. I really wish you the best.

KeatsiePie · 16/02/2013 03:21

Er, when I said new/newish I meant that I am pretty new to posting here, not that your other threads were new.

TheElephantIsADaintyBird · 16/02/2013 07:05

madbudlady what is olgagas list of financial stuff? Does anyone have a link?

lougle · 16/02/2013 07:22

My DH might text to say he's arrived somewhere.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 16/02/2013 07:41

He got home at 12:20, said he felt sick but didn't seem pissed as a fart or anything. Didnt want to talk much, seemed annoyed at me.
Woke up this morning and he hadn't come to bed,but was coming into the bedroom as I was getting up. Didn't say a word, not even good morning. Guess he'll waste the day in bed.
Feeling very sad again this morning.
Thanks for all the over night advice.

OP posts: