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Original poster

It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?

193 replies

ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 17:00

DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.

It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 19:47

How would you phrase asking Midnight? I keep trying to work out how to ask without just sounding unhinged, but coming up blank Confused

OP posts:
frustratedworkingmum · 15/02/2013 19:51

If he were doing the dirty, would he do it at his friends?

frustratedworkingmum · 15/02/2013 19:52

If I suspected my DP was doing the dirty on me, id get a last minute babysitter and id go over to where he said he was with some sort of excuse.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 19:53

I don't know frustrated, none of his friends would tell me if he did. I wouldn't have thought he would be the type to cheat ordinarily, but his attitude towards me coupled with the odd text have just started my brain whirring.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 19:54

These things are not easy. I think nothing I say on Relationships is a waste of time if it occasionally makes somebody lift their eyes from the problems of everyday life (which is especially hard with small children) and focus on where they would ideally like to be headed. I think if you revisit this often enough and start to visualize a future you actually like the sound of, you'll be laying yourself a path to final decision-making.

Did you have fun with him originally?

flatbellyfella · 15/02/2013 19:55

Hi scented, so sorry to read how you are being treated. Does he come from an ice cold family,that never showed him love as a young person growing up? Does he show love towards his DD? You so deserve a better man than he is, at the moment. As others have said, you are a beautiful young lady.

Madeleine10 · 15/02/2013 19:55

Maybe he is gaming, but ending the evening with his mates well before 4 am or whatever, and is off elsewhere for the rest of the night? He's got all night to do what he wants basically.

That was my first thought when I read the text - which, no , sorry I don't think was for you - it makes no sense to send you a text like that, given you knew where he was going, and he doesn't call you "baby".

I

Vexedbybook · 15/02/2013 20:00

He's being a git. You are gorgeous and your baby is edible! Go to Relate. You are very unhappy and this needs sorting one way or another.

Sit him down and tell him you are miserable and considering separation and want relationship counselling. If he refuses kick his sorry arse out, you and your lovely daughter deserve to be fought for, hopefully he'll pull his socks up.

If there's an OW he'll act relieved and go. Hard and painful but win-win long term. Good luck!

(I don't like the text either but stick to concrete stuff for now)

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 20:01

I don't think I am wasting my time, but I will keep posting the same thing over and over

You are married to this creep ?

I wouldn't give my husband a pass every friday night to have fun with God knows who, while I cried into my wine and sought comfort from internet strangers

You need to dump this guy, and your fucking life back

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 20:02

get

and yes, he is

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 20:02

We were best friends for a few years before starting a relationship madbuslady, but the past two years or so he's become very distant and says he's 'getting old' when I say I miss how we used to be Hmm
flatbelly His family are not hugely close, and he has a lot of resentment towards his mum from his childhood, you may have hit the nail on the head there. He's sometimes brilliant with DD, but other times is quick to anger or seems like he just can't be bothered Sad And thank you- I'll get a big head before the night is through!
Madeleine It will be interesting to see who drops him home in any case.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/02/2013 20:02

OP, you are right. That text wasn't meant for you. He'd only left half an hour before. He'd told you when he was coming back. He's not over-friendly to you (to say the least.)

Think of that text again:

'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'

He's texting another woman saying he's at his mates and he will see her soon. He's NOT texting you. Yes, he sent you another text later when you made him wet himself when you responded to the above text.

He doesn't call you baby any more. He doesn't leave kisses on texts. He doesn't even text you! Why on earth would he send you that text?

I'm sorry to be so harsh. If he treated you well I would probably think he was having an affair but wouldn't be so blunt. You are in your twenties, literally the prime of your life, and this man treats you like this. You are fooling yourself thinking he will change after a talk with you.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 20:06

Thank you Vexed, I hadn't really considered counselling, but seems like it could be a good idea.
I'll get there AnyFucker, one way or another. I do appreciate the time internet strangers are spending giving me advice, there're some bloody lovely people around these here ends Smile

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/02/2013 20:07

You're a few months older than my daughter. If she were you I'd have to stage an intervention. A helicopter job, a man diving through your windows to rescue you. Do you not know how lovely you are and how lovely some men are?

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 20:07

I know Imperial, everything you say rings true. Deep down I know he won't change after I try this talk once more, but I feel like I owe it to myself to know I tried everything I could.

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Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 20:08

Don't make me bloody cry

OP posts:
MidnightMasquerader · 15/02/2013 20:17

In the course of the conversation, I would simply say...

'By the way, I don't think the text you sent me on Friday night was for me. I think it was meant for someone else and sent to me by mistake. I don't actually expect you to tell me the truth about it, so feel free to deny it. But the very fact that I'm automatically suspicious about a text which so clearly wasn't meant for me, speaks volumes about our relationship'.

And leave him to bluster defensively, in complete silence.

Vexedbybook · 15/02/2013 20:19

But it doesn't matter how hard you try if he isn't. Please don't waste years on this. Ultimatum, counselling or out, grit your teeth!

Think about it this way - you are unhappy, wondering of he wants the marriage, if he's faithful. You've got nothing to lose, worst case is he leaves and you can rebuild and be happy!

Vexedbybook · 15/02/2013 20:22

I know it's not that easy when you're living it, I am just trying to galvanise you xx

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 20:24

Thanks Vexed, I feel stronger just reading this thread. I might print it out and read it when I forget how things should be. I just didn't want to have a failed marriage before I'm 26... I know that nobody does, I know, but I just keep thinking if i tried harder... I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 20:33

Love, I think there are probably a lot of women on here could tell you a failed marriage at 26 gives you a hell of a lot more options than a failed marriage at 46 after twenty years of trying harder.

flatbellyfella · 15/02/2013 20:34

If it does fail, it's not your doing. It's the fault of the heartless person who conned you into marrying him.

MikeOxardAndWellard · 15/02/2013 20:35

That text would not be wierd at all coming from my dh. But we are a bit joined at the hip, and if we go anywhere separately (apart from work, obviously) then we would text to say we got there, and look forward to seeing each other afterwards (so might say 'see you soon') and always put kisses. But only you can say if it's odd behaviour for your dp, and from your posts it sounds like it is, especially if he goes there every week and has never texted you like that before. You could just ask, did you mean that text for me.

I don't know your story but everyone else seems to, and it seems this guy is awful anyway (why on earth would it not occur to him to invite you out or go out with you instead of leaving you at home every week and going out with other people? How thoughtless and uncaring). So I would LTB regardless of the possibility of cheating added to the mix.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 20:35

The Relationships boards are littered with women who tried, and tried, and tried

to no avail

society pushes this agenda that women have failed if their partnerships don't work out...completely forgetting that it takes two to build one

but only one to ruin one

don't waste too much time, love

when you are my age and you look back on this, you will want to kick yourself

Vexedbybook · 15/02/2013 20:40

Better to get divorced at 25 than to be miserable till you're 30. Don't put off 'the conversation' - if he wants to make it work things can start improving straight away.

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