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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's possible that I've been reading the relationships board for too long, but would you think this was odd?

193 replies

ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 17:00

DH has gone to a friends house for a gathering this evening, told me he'd probably be dropped home in the morning or at the very least about 4am.
I've just received a text saying 'Hi baby, I'm at [friend's name]'s, see you soon xx'.

It just rings wrong to me (referring to the 'see you soon', as obviously I won't be seeing him soon IYSWIM), would it cross your mind he'd sent it to you by mistake?
Our relationship hasn't been great recently, but I've had no reason to think he might be cheating. The message just seems... Odd.
I don't want to accuse anything in case I'm batshit but felt like MN was the place to come.

OP posts:
Teeb · 15/02/2013 17:50

I agree with others, I genuinely do not believe that message was intended for you. In which case, who is he calling 'baby' and putting multiple kisses after a message about seeing them soon? Totally inappropriate.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 17:52

Thank you avon that's very nice of you to say Smile
hoaz, they work sun-thurs (if I'm outing myself, please don't say anything) so have just decided to do it the evening the week, not sure why.

I know it sounds awful that I haven't just left, it always does online, but I've just been trying to get my thoughts together so we can have a proper chat about it and hopefully work it out. I suppose I've just been hoping that he doesn't realise just how much time he doesn't spend with me, and how much he takes me for granted.
Then this text...

Sorry, on phone so can't remember who asked, but no, no friends that I could ask over tonight. I only really have two, and both are busy. I wouldn't want to run the risk of sounding like a jealous weirdo yet either Blush

OP posts:
KnittedCharacter · 15/02/2013 17:53

Would these friends of his condone to an affair if this was the case? Know it may sound stupid but cud the text have been a silly text meant for one of his male friends. My 18 year old nephew addresses his male best mate as "luv". plus they put kisses on their texts and he isnt gay! otherwise i am sorry to say but i dont think that text was meant for you. With regards texting 30 mins later he didnt say he had just got there did he. perhaps cud have been there 20 mins before sending the text out?

fluffyraggies · 15/02/2013 17:55

I asked about friends :)

If a friend of mine told me about this i wouldn't say she was being a jealous weirdo. We'd have a good chat about what the next step is.

fiventhree · 15/02/2013 17:57

"I wasn't invited as they aren't my friends, and I never am."

Separate friends who are also not 'friends of the marriage' is a bad sign.

His going out every single friday is another.

His nastiness is a third.

The text is a fourth.

If you decide to confront, and please do not, I think he will deny and reassure, and you will never know. I would dig deeper, at the very least.

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 17:58

Ok, well I've just read the thread where he needles you into an argument about your mostly-conquered eating disorder which culminates in him saying you're weird about food and a patronising bitch, and storming off with slammed doors.

That was last May.

Whatever is going on here, it needs to stop, yes?

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 18:00

Sorry, that sounds like I'm being harsh AT you. Didn't mean it to sound like that! I am just a bit Shock.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/02/2013 18:01

I agree not to confront. As you dont have anything concrete it would be very easy for him to gaslight you.

I also think you should dig deeper. How I dont really know.

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 18:03

It's ok madbuslady ( I smiled writing that Smile) I knew what you meant Smile
I know it needs to change, I do. But I worry that maybe after this arguments I'm remembering them too one sidedly, and that maybe I'm over sensitive or not recognising properly where I'm at fault.
fluffy you sound like a nice friend Smile

OP posts:
MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 18:19

Well I'm glad you've had one smile this evening Smile

What you're describing sounds a lot like that fog of self-doubt one gets into with nasty people. (Plus a dose of toddler sleeping pattern, of course!)

Do you have a plan for having this chat? Have you tried to have it before?

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 18:23

I have tried before, but it always end up in a big row about 'you always' 'but you always' etc. that's why I've been trying to get my head together about how to phrase my issues properly. I know I can come across as a bit grumpy. He does sometimes say that he knows he spends too much time on his pc and that he's sorry, but nothing changes.
I don't know. I just want him to see that I can't spend my twenties feeling like this, but then I worry that he does see but just doesn't care.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/02/2013 18:26

No one should have to put up with this sort of crappy relationship stuff, but honestly, you are too young and gorgeous to spend your 20s with an arse.

He doesn't seem to sound that bothered about it all?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 15/02/2013 18:33

but then I worry that he does see but just doesn't care

I think you could be right, there, OP. Whatever is going on - whether it's an addiction to the PC/Gaming, an affair or that he just doesn't really care enough, this doesn't sound like a relationship that you're getting much out of. Would you agree? You're right in that you can't spend your 20s like this - well, you can, but you don't have to.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2013 18:35

It doesn't matter what he thinks about how you "spend your twenties"

Is this how you want to spend your twenties ? It would be a right fucking waste if that were the case.

MadBusLady · 15/02/2013 18:42

You're not going to suddenly find the right words to express your concerns which will magically make him take notice of you. If you've tried all sorts of different approaches, if you've tried reigning in "grumpiness" etc, and it hasn't happened so far, it isn't going to happen in the next sit-down, or the one after that.

rockinastocking · 15/02/2013 18:51

You are gorgeous.
He doesn't know he's born.
Someone out there will realise how lucky he is and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Ashoething · 15/02/2013 19:03

I was also coming on to say you are stunning and could do much better! Honestly you are only in your 20's-get out now! You could have a great life without this twunt. Dont be like me and be approaching 40 in a shitty relationship-you are worth more.

Ashoething · 15/02/2013 19:04

Btw if your dp is the guy in the wedding pic then he is punching well above his weight and wants to fucking know it!

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 19:10

Rockinastocking Ashoething, you're both very kind, thank you. I've gone up two dress sizes since the wedding unfortunately though- a mixture of having DD and donuts Smile
I know you're all right. I hate it, but I do know. I just don't think I'm in a place where I'm ready to go yet. I completely recognise that I'm probably wasting my time, but for some reason I feel like I need to at least give this chat one more try. I'm the worst kind of Relationships board poster aren't I?
I'm sorry if anyone feels I'm wasting their time, I really appreciate the advice, I do.

OP posts:
Dozer · 15/02/2013 19:11

You've tried to explain, he hasn't changed, and isn't nice to you.

YOU are responsible for how you spend your twenties, sounds like they'd be better without him, whether or not he is having an affair.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/02/2013 19:13

Scented, you are married to this man. You have a child. No one thinks you are wastimg their time. Its a big decision and very natural to want to make sure you have given it a proper chance!

MajesticWhine · 15/02/2013 19:14

OP, just want to say, please don't feel ashamed about not wanting to leave right now. You can only do it when you are ready. And feeling ashamed / inadequate about not doing it would just contribute to your overall unhappiness and insecurity. Just tell yourself, that you will decide what to do when you're ready, and you don't have to decide right now.

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill · 15/02/2013 19:14

Having a relationship with this guy, or rather not, is the first thing I would be sorting out. Life is too short for relationships with unnapreciative idiots!
LTB!

Original poster
ScentedNappyHag · 15/02/2013 19:39

Thanks everyone for being so kind. I've now had another text from him that makes me think he's probably half cut now- can't help feeling a little bit sad that he's having fun with other people but never seems to have fun with me.

OP posts:
MidnightMasquerader · 15/02/2013 19:43

Your chat has to at least ask who that text was meant for, because honestly, it wasn't meant for you.

Why would he tell where he was minutes after leaving you, with you full-well knowing where he was going? Confused

But yes, as AF says, this text is just the tip of the iceberg.

Undoubtedly you can do a lot, lot better than this bloke, behaving as he is at present.

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