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Original poster

How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

191 replies

ConfusedishSay · 31/01/2013 15:28

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

OP posts:
MadMumToThree · 31/01/2013 15:32

Married for 28 years and as happy as the day he asked me - nothing I want more than for us to grow old(er) together. Stick with it hopefully its just a sticky patch xx

Lovingfreedom · 31/01/2013 15:33

It's your life...do what you want with it! Would you miss him? How long have you felt like this?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2013 15:34

Ignoring the way you feel is rarely a recipe for anything but disaster. Far better to work out what's at the root of the dissatisfaction and tackle it directly, either individually or as a couple. Some relationships do just fizzle out or people grow apart and want different things. Sometimes boredom sets in, life throws up difficulties or everyone is guilty of taking each other for granted. I don't really subscribe to a concept as vague as a mid-life crisis, I'm afraid.... there's usually something specific.

CheerfulYank · 31/01/2013 15:38

I am very happy. DH and I have been together for ten years and married for almost seven. It's not perfect but I'd be devastated not to be with him.

One of my neighbors went through something like that...married to a good man, but just not happy. They eventually divorced and she us remarried now.

Do you think you should try counselling to get to the root of what's bothering you?

firesidechat · 31/01/2013 15:38

I don't think hearing about other people's marriage is going to be much help to you because they aren't you and your husband. Only you can say what your relationship is like.

However, to answer your question, I am truely happily married and have been for almost 30 years. My husband was diagnosed with an illness a couple of years ago and the thought of not being together for another 30 years was devastating. The situation is less bleak now thank goodness.

We are happily married because I picked a goodun. We have similar views on the important things, we can still make each other laugh and he is my best friend.

Why do you find the idea so depressing if you don't mind me asking?

Timetoask · 31/01/2013 15:39

Quote from captain corelli's mandolin, which I really like:
?Love is not breathlessness; It is not excitement; It is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being ?in love?, which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.?

I don't agree with cogito. It is humanly impossible to go through all our married lives without ups and downs. I have been with DH 14years, we had a rough patch, but I really value what we have.

VanderElsken · 31/01/2013 15:39

What's happened recently that might have precipitated this? Have there been any major life changes or career or personal encounters that are unusual? Have you been promoted/lost weight/met someone else for example?

LIttleMissTickles · 31/01/2013 15:41

Definitely truly happily married, 12 years now. Not perfect marriage, but happy. I feel loved and appreciated, and I adore DH.

Pagwatch · 31/01/2013 15:41

Hmm.
If he asked you today would you marry him?

Is your issue with him or is it the idea that your youth is gone?

badguider · 31/01/2013 15:46

I am truly happy in my marriage. Sometimes I wish I could expwrience again the feeling of falling madly in lust with a hit sexy 19yr old but as I'm not a sexy 19yr old that's never going to happen. And as proper life partners of a sensible age compared to me go DH is the best one for me.

MrsVJDay · 31/01/2013 15:48

We're happy but then we've only been married 2 weeks! Can you remember how you felt about your DH a few weeks in?

Dahlen · 31/01/2013 15:54

You need to work out whether the problem is that you're bored with him/your marriage, or whether you're bored with your life in general. It's easy to confuse the two.

IsThatTrue · 31/01/2013 15:55

I'm happily married but we've only been married 1 year. So probably not the exact scenario you're looking at.

BadgersRetreat · 31/01/2013 15:58

yes we are- married for 10yrs and together for 17. Nothing to complain about here.

I think Dahlen's point is a good one - are you sure it's him and not just life in general that's getting you down....?

Original poster
ConfusedishSay · 31/01/2013 16:05

Wow...I go away to make a cuppa and look at all of you....OK, one at a time:
Thanks those who have written about happy marriages...gives me some hope that it´s possible!
Loving, Cogito, Yank, Vander I think I´ve felt like this for years actually and yes, something happened: I met somebody entirely innocently, had a mild flirtation and it dawned on me that I really wasn´t fulfilled at all in my relationship.
Then I started thinking that I am never going to feel that euphoria of "being madly in love" again (as you say, badguider) and it just seems my love life is detined for dulldom evermore. Yes, I know: that "in love" feeling is transient, not real love, etc.....but it´s still pretty amazing when you´re in it, isn´t it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedishSay · 31/01/2013 16:09

MrsVJDay to be honest, we´d been together 4 years already when we married and the initial excitement had already worn off by then, but it was the right time, the right guy (as in he ticked all the boxes and we were/are compatible in many ways) and we both wanted to have kids and family, so I did what everyone does...got married.
Pagwatch my answer is no. I don´t think I believe marriage is a good thing anymore Sad
Perhaps when life expectancy was around 35, then yes, but now to live with one person for 50+ years ??? It´s a lot to ask, don´t you think?

OP posts:
VanderElsken · 31/01/2013 16:09

Affairs are devastating for all concerned if they carry on. I promise you, a long term affair will damage every single element of every single one of these relationships and is like stepping out of an emotional car accident once it reaches crisis point.

So you've met someone else. It's okay. I know there's loads of judgement about that on here and rightly so in many cases. But the best advice I can give you is decide what you want and act on it quickly. Wasting years of people's lives is not on. Every single person I know who was involved in an affair said the same thing to me, whether is was about ending the affair, admitting to the affair, or leaving the marriage, 'I wish I'd done it sooner.'

Work out what you want, then be as respectful and fair t everyone concerned while you pursue it.
How old are you?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2013 16:11

What you're really saying is that you're lacking the things in your life that a new relationship bring to the party.... i.e. excitement, sexual thrills, feeling attractive, flirting, fun, whatever. Few people can maintain the 'madly in love' phase but there are ways to ginger up a tired relationship if everyone's keen. So the question is really..... are you keen or do you think it's a dead duck?

Badvoc · 31/01/2013 16:13

Been together 18 years this year and married for 14.
There have been though times...mc, illness, redundancies etc but we are still here.
It isn't like it was.
Of course it isn't.
We have 2 young dc and we are both knackered :)
But the love is still there.
Not the "oh my god, I have to jump you right now" type of lusty love, but the love that comes from knowing each other, seeing each other at their best and worst, and excepting we are none of us perfect.

Poledra · 31/01/2013 16:17

I've been married for 10 years, together for 17. We have had our bad times but, with hindsight, I can identify external factors which precipitated them - worst one was when DH was having a dreadful time at work. There's always been something else that has exacerbated any issues.

One thing I would say is that, although I don't have the butterflies-in-stomach falling-in-love feeling all the time, DH can make me feel that way (steady!). Sometimes he'll sneak about behind me during an ordinary day when we're just doing ordinary things and whisper in my ear that he loves me, and I could be that girl from 17 years ago...

confusionoftheillusion · 31/01/2013 16:18

Watching with interest

Original poster
ConfusedishSay · 31/01/2013 16:19

Dahlen I think there is an element of being a bit bored in general, although God knows why! My life is so busy, I have kids, just started new job, etc etc...I SHOULD be feeling really excited and positive really
badguider...hope you don´t mind the question, but if you felt you were a hot enough cougar (cringey term alert) to pull that sexy 19 year old, would you still feel contented to "settle" in your relationship?
I just struggle to feel turned on by my poor H because he is just a friend who I feel affection for but I am not at all attracted to him. And it´s not HIM- he is very nice looking, fit, etc.
Maybe I am just not cut out for a LONG term relationship.
It´s not like I think I´ll necessarily meet somebody better. I WANT to want him...but I just don´t :-((

OP posts:
confusionoftheillusion · 31/01/2013 16:20

Poledra - that last part of your post made me weep... Lovely for you to have that

Badvoc · 31/01/2013 16:22

Mid life crisis?
A poster once posted a MLC script...made for very interesting and thought provoking reading...

VanderElsken · 31/01/2013 16:23

Sometimes love dies. It's very very sad but sometimes it does. Sometimes one partner grows to feel they want more out of life and they romantically or cynically cast the other aside.

Are you under 35? How much does he know about you feeling this way?

This may help. www.chestnuthillinstitute.com/blog/586