How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

[ConfusedishSay]

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

[Lizzabadger]

Hypothetically, how would you feel if you found out your husband was having an affair?

If you'd feel jealous there's perhaps still something there to save.

If you'd feel relieved, I'd say it's over really.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

Ninth - but does he have an enormous cock?

[AloeSailor]

Watching

[VanderElsken]

Interesting. I have seen so many relationships flounder where one well-timed email from an outsider to the man saying 'back off!' would have helped. It's sad but the sort of intimacy you're describing, which is really only intimacy of quite a physical and mundane kind, kills eroticism off. There's a story in 'Mating in Captivity' where Perel describes how the moment of most attraction to her partner is when she sees him descending an escalator to meet her but hasn't seen her yet. At that moment he is entirely him, observed but not linked to her yet. And she sees him again as a stranger.

One of the reasons that 'negging' works (subtly putting down attractive women when men are trying to pull) , the horrible, vile technique celebrated in books like 'The Game', is that many women respond to feeling like their partner is just out of reach, status wise. Do you do a lot in the household? Are you in control in most scenarios? Are you content he would never stray? Do you sometimes wonder whether you really need him? All of these are a recipe for status imbalance that can lead to loss of attraction for women (for anyone but particularly women).

You may think about writing to him, to outline ways in which he could turn you on, fantasies you have, embarrassing as that might seem. And he could really do with trying to retain a little more of his mystique and masculinity.

Bear in mind that women who find themselves in the sort of relationship I define above (and I'm not saying you're one) often get themselves there. They win a man, dominate him, lose respect for him, lose attraction for him, leave, then start again. Think about what your parents relationship was like and how that compares. It' s a process, so don't think you'd be safe by choosing another man.

[ConfusedishSay]

Any pointers as to how to make it work, shoppingtrolley? Tips please!! lizza my knee jerk response is that I wouldn't actually care if he were having an affair! That's really bad, isn't it? I don't know if the real situation would elicit a different reaction, but I just feel dead towards him :-( I'm just hoping that somewhere buried deep is just some sort of spark that can be reignited.... I just don't know where/ how to find it

[GetOrf]

Bloody hell I wish I hadn't read this. I was expecting everyone to say 'no, DH is a bit of a tosser but I put up with him because we rub along together most of the time'. Not heartfelt love after years of marriage.

I wish I could bloody well have had this. Two long term failed relationships, one was a horrible git but I was young and stupid, and the other I fell absolutely head over heels for, real passion and love, and I couldn't believe how lucky I was, and all that love faded really. We split up last year and although I know it was right I still miss him horribly and wish we could turn 7 years back. It is the anniversary of our first meeting this weekend. We always celebrated it.

I am never going to meet anyone else because I will never believe that love again. The thought of talking to another chap and going on a date makes me shudder.

[shoppingtrolley]

I think you need to look at lots of photos of things you've done together and remember the good times. I bet you've done so much together, it would be a real shame to throw it away.

Also go to lunch with an old RL friend and admit your feelings to them. Ask their advice.

I think you've reached a real watershed moment in your relationship, it could even be better if you manage to troubleshoot this crappy patch.

Can I be blunt:
It sounds like what you want is a damn good s_ with someone exciting / mysterious. Why don't you tell your husband you have a fantasy about meeting a stranger and having a night of wild passion with them. Hire a babysitter and get him to pick you up in a bar, get you tipsy and then take you home and show you a good time. I bet this will work.

[GetOrf]

Oh I am sorry what a self indulgent post.

OP - you sound like you have been pretty unhappy for a while - but is it dead in the water? If you have a hope that a spark can be reignited is it worth a try? I know it sounds terribly false but could you try date nights, doing something together like when you first met? Could it be just drudge of life has worn that spark down? If it is dead, it's dead and no point flogging a dead horse, but if there is something there perhaps all is not lost.

[ConfusedishSay]

Oooo, Vander you could be onto something. I wouldn't say I'm very domineering, but I have lost a lot of respect over the years and I am 99,9% certain he would never stray, so guess I am complacent. Interestingly, I had a mother who did EVERYTHING and a lazy rather unsuccessful father who got nagged at all day long- she had no respect for him. I often feel very disappointed by men when they show weakness and then lose respect. Jeez, I think I'm probably a psychoanalyst's dream.

[shoppingtrolley]

*get your DH to pick you up in a bar I mean, not the babysitter to pick you up -- that's a whole other strategy!

[ConfusedishSay]

Sorry to hear of your dispondency, Getorf - perhaps once a bit more time has passed you will feel optimistic again? And shopping , I guess I should try the whole role play sexy fantasy thing, but will that honestly have any long- lasting result or will we from this point onwards have to play saucy games and live out fantasies the whole time ? Sounds fun but exhausting! Haha

[Dahlen]

It's possible to be stupidly busy and still really, really verging-on-going-insane bored. There's a difference between busy and fulfilled. What hobbies did you have before you got caught up on domestic treadmill? Are you doing the job you want or one that fits in round your DH's so you can be primary carer for your DC? How often do you see your friends? What do you do that is exclusively for you?

One of the reasons boredom can enter into long-term relationships is because there is nothing separate anymore, nothing of interest that one person does that is different, new and exciting to the other. That's why it's vital to maintain your own hobbies and friendships IMO. While increased intimacy brings its own rewards, familiarity also breeds contempt. YOu need a balance between the two.

In your shoes I'd try to improve those other areas of my life first, and then re-evaluate my marriage. Just out of interest though, how much effort does your DH put into the relationship? I'm taking you at face value that he's a nice guy but you can be a nice person and still lazy at your relationship. Does he do his fair share around the house? Surprise you with a nicely cooked meal one night? Buy you flowers for no reason? Run you a bath if you're feeling really tired? Encourage you to follow your ambitions?

[Dramajustfollowsme]

Me! Known each other 18 years, together 15 and married nearly 5. I love him completely and still find him very sexy! He also makes me feel attractive although I have way too many wobbly bits! He is incredibly kind, loyal and hard working. He has been my rock and looked out for my mum and sister too. We have been through an awful lot really terrible things but stuck together.
Don't get me wrong, he does my head in at times but I wouldn't be without him.

[VanderElsken]

Sounds like you have become complacent, Confused. It's pretty common as a shape now that women earn their own money, still do the majority of the childcare and are often better educated than men their own age. It sounds like your parents instilled an idea in you too that weakness or laziness in a man is to be despised and your mother may have passed her rolling eyes onto you, so he'd have to be pretty firm and independent to get more of your interest. You may have to be brave enough to let him know that's what you want.

Essentially, is there anything you can think of that he gives to you that you value, and would miss if it were gone?

People can easily mistake men in these sort of relationships for being useless when actually the women have colonised the relationship in such a way that they don't actually want to have anything out of their control or purview. This is often inherited from a mother who was frustrated with the marriage she ended up in.

[Arisbottle]

I am blissfully happily married, we are very similar and have a very passionate marriage. I would not settle for any less .

I agree with a previous poster who said that you are objectifying your marriage. I don't think you dread spending 30 years with anyone, this is about your marriage and your husband.

It may help to see things from another perspective, does your DH deserve to spend 30 years with someone who finds his mere presence to be depressing.

[venusandmars]

Re-igniting the spark? Well I was in a similar position a few years ago: in a relationship for 15+ years, and all OK-ish but all very familiar and routine, and a bit dull; my interest was taken by someone else, and of course they did seem so much more exciting than my dp. (we didn't have an affair, and I don't even know if the other man was up for it)

So there I was in a dilemma - to end a good, solid relationship which wasn't setting the heather alight, and all on a whim with nothing concrete to go on - or do what? I decided that I owed it to myself and dp to make a go of things, and as someone posted earlier I deliberately focused on all the aspects of dp that I really liked and loved. Not the convenient life-style things, but the really personal things, Like how his eyelashes looked when he was asleep, or what it felt like to have his tongue gently touching mine when we kissed, or the neatness of his buttocks, or the very best of intimate moments.

I kept a journal, and wrote down things where he had made me feel good about something - maybe where we'd laughed about something together, or when he'd asked for my advice / help, or when he trusted me with a major decision that would affect both of us, and compliments that I'd stopped noticing (or believing)

And then (after staring to feel lusting and fully attracted to him) I also put effort into creating time for us to be together - a picnic in a sunny wood (with mush kissing), or 15 minutes before bed with the TV off, and the computers off just talking about something, or trying something new together.

It felt like a deliberate choice - I could either choose to notice and appreciate all the good things, or I could focus on his fixation with a boring hobby, or his sagging belly, and my feelings of being taken for granted. All I can say is that it worked for me and I did rekindle the love and lust, and I foresee us being close and happy and sexually attracted to each other for many years to come (and we're already quite old!).

The interesting thing fro me was that I didn't sit him down and tell him he had to be more sexy, or more caring, or more adventurous, it was fundamentally changed by what I thought about him.

[ConfusedishSay]

Well, Dahlen, up until this huge shake-up, he was not making any effort at all. I hadn´t received so much as a single hand-picked dandelion for a good few years, I was doing most of the domestic chores, he was pretty grumpy and completely boring. Now, however, he is making a humungous effort and even picks up the hoover (falls off chair), is Mr "Can Do" and Mr Perfect, really- the guy I always wished he´d be....but I´m worried it may all be coming too late!
Vander If you´d asked me 6 months ago what I valued, it would have been hard to come up with much. Now however, he is much nicer to be around and is doing a lot of stuff around the house and with the kids which I certainly value. What would I miss? Well, having a partner in raising the kids, running the house and day to day stuff. I would miss the security he gives me. (and this sounds so horribly cold-hearted and selfish!) I would miss his friendship too. I think you have some points right about the relationship, but I am not really controlling or bossy. If anything, I gave up on him too soon - as soon as I felt he wasn´t fulfilling me, I just felt resigned. I refused to turn into a nagging, begging harpy, so I just put up and shut up but in the process, my emotions went cold.
And thanks, Venus.....I will try that actually. Might help to focus and be as positive as possible.
I do not want to make him change- I must learn to accept and love him as he is, I do know that.

[Dahlen]

Hey, go easy on yourself. Your last post changes things slightly.

You've been married 10 years. His change of heart into Mr Perfect has only been happening for the last 6 months. That's nothing really. I'm not surprised it hasn't won you over yet. The truth is, then, that apart from the last six months, he hasn't actually been a very nice man. I"m sure he wasn't horrible, but if he was lazy on the domestic and parenting front, that's selfish behaviour that leaves you feeling like a glorified skivvy and I'm not at all surprised that your heart has been sinking at the prospect of another 10, 20 or 30 years like that.

The fact that he's listened to you and tried to change, is fabulous, but both of you are being entirely unrealistic if you think that six months of effort is going to turn things around completely. It may take a couple of years before you feel confident that this new him is here for good, and until you do, I don't forsee the passion returning.

A personal comment on the idea of changing someone - yes, it's futile to try to try to change someone. But that doesn't always mean you should love them for who they are. If the 'fault' is significant, it's perfectly ok to hate it and to refuse to accept it. However, if they don't change as a result, the only option is to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not and leave or put up for good.

[Kithulu]

ConfusesishSay I could have written every one of your posts. I am in the same situation at the moment and really don't know which way to turn.

venusandmars that is a lovely positive post, I totally agree its all in my head. I worry that if I did take the time to focus on the positive, then at some point in the future I will still come back to feeling this way.

Vader yes I am aware that I am mirroring my Mum and she can be a cow to my Dad, lots of really scathing comments. He (and DH) just let them 'roll off' and don't bite back, but then a lack of respect grows. I can see I'm doing it and try to stop. But I keep repeating things I have heard my mother said.

[wordfactory]

OP I have been happily married for fifteen years.

If anything, our happiness has grown. Where the raw passion and romance has lessened, our desire for and enjoyment of the same things has increased. We are Team Wordfactory.

I feel like I have someone on my side. Always. Someone who wants me to be happy. Someone who wants to be with me. And this is important, I think. Couples, especially after DC, need to want to spend time together as a couple. Not en famille, or with other friends, but just the two of them, talking and laughing and planning.

Don't get me wrong, he can be difficult. Infuriating. Impossible...But life without him is unthinkable.

[wordfactory]

kith respect is highly important, I think.

DH is very measured. No shouting, belittling, words said in anger. The opposite of my parents.

And of course there's sex. I think people underestimate how important it is to prioritise an active sex life. I'm sure there are sex free marriages that work just fine, but to me they're friendships. Nowt wrong with that, of course. A couple is different. They need that intimacy to continually cement their bond.

[carmenelectra]

I am not married but have been with dp 20yrs. We are very happym sex life good adventurous. Mostly regular but blips at times with dc's, work patterns etc.

I want to grow old with him but I hope we don't fall into too comfy a routine where we are just best friends. Intimacy is so important. I fancy him and he always says how much he fancies me and I look good etc. I hope these things don't change.

[venusandmars]

kithulu yes, I agree, it could all slip back, but there have are couple of things that I've found... one is that the more deliberating loving I am towards dp, the more it all seems to be reciprocated, and I feel loved by him, and I feel desired by him . Also that because l'm more in control of myself and how I feel, that enables me to be more forthright with dp when there are things that seem to be not right. So for example, I focus on speaking to him about specific behaviours that upset me (like not letting me know if he is going to be late in for dinner) and it doesn't feel to me like it is all wrapped up a frenzy of other emotions and irritations.

So it not only feels better all round, but the bedrock of mutual desire and intimacy help us communicate better about difficult things.

And of course it's not all honey and roses. I could throttle him for the way he chews his food sometimes, but it's far different from a general disillusionment that I felt a few years ago.

[venusandmars]

confusedishsay all the things that you say you value are great, but security and being a good dad, and great around the house (important and wonderful as they are) are not the things that are going to stir your loins . That's why for me, bringing the positive focus onto really personal aspects of dp - the way when he smiles really widely there is a little glimpse of a crooked tooth, which for some reason I find very sweet and sexy - that's the stuff that I notice.

[VanderElsken]

Sorry if it seemed I as trying to call you bossy, I really wasn't, confused! We're all trying not to turn into our mothers I suspect and it's possible that a refusal to go there and become that created a distance in you towards him that could have ended in resentment if not picked up on early enough.

Those things you value are great but I suppose I meant more things he brings to the relationship that you don't. Not so much him helping or assisting you or being nice to you. the security one is good but is there anything specific that you look up to him for contributing, that someone else wouldn't necessarily provide, rather than sort of generally appreciate in an every day way?