How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

[ConfusedishSay]

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

I´m really happy for those of you who are crazy about your partners....I SO want that! But....none of you are saying much in reply to my sex question!

So those of you happy or "contented" in longterm relationships.....do you still actually find your spouses sexually attractive?

Yes I do and, astonishingly, he still seems to find me attractive. I actually find him more attractive now than when we first got married. He's matured quite nicely thank you.

me. Married for 15 years but together for 25 in February. We met when I was 17 and he was 21 so have been together all of our adult life!

I could have written your post op
We had been together for over 20 years
I tried to ignore my feelings/keep everything calm but after a while we just couldn't carry on
I have been single ever since -it does get lonely from time to time but overall I made the right decision
A friend told me to imagine my life without dh and how that would make me feel - when I realised I would be happy and relieved I knew it was over between us
Good luck with sorting everything out

So those of you happy or "contented" in longterm relationships.....do you still actually find your spouses sexually attractive?

God yes...

and yes still fancy DH, mind you with 2 young DC we are not exactly red hot in that dept! But I still fancy him and him me. Holiday times are usually the best on that front, otherwise life just gets in the way

The thing is though, if I didn't feel the way I feel I'd be gone like a shot.

It's not that I take my vows lightly but nor do I think I should remain unhappy or not quite fulfilled forever.

Some relationships just run their course. There's nothing wrong with that.

Been together 34 years married almost 28.( met at 17) Ups and down's like everyone elsealong the way but he is my best friend and l would be nothing without him. We are a team and look forward to growing old together.

Forgot to say that I think he is physically attractive to me because of the person he is as much as how he looks. Like me he's not perfect, but is fundamentally a lovely, caring man.

I'm a widow now, but I was with my DH for 17 years and though we had our ups & downs, and he could be infuriating at times, we were very happy. He was a very blokey bloke, kind and funny. He was a very romantic, demonstrative man, which helps a lot. When you're feeling knackered and scruffy it's very boosting to have your husband come in with a huge smile and call you "my sweetheart."

In February we're having a party for my parents' 60th anniversary. Both my brothers have been married for over 25 years. Being happily married is a knack, like any other. A lot of it comes down to remembering what you saw in each other, and making sure the other person knows they're precious to you. I hate seeing couples who treat each other as dull or, worse, snipe at each other. My DSD says my parents are her role models. She wants to be walking hand in hand on the beach after 60 years too.

What did you see in him when you married, OP? I looked at what you'd written and I fear I see your end in your beginning. You say it was the right time, the right guy (as in he ticked all the boxes and we were/are compatible in many ways) and we both wanted to have kids and family, so I did what everyone does...got married.

Not a lot of passion there. We got married because we couldn't imagine not being a team for the rest of our lives. We were a unit, and that held through all the shit.

When you can't go back to time of certainty when you knew to the marrow of your bones that you loved each other... Well, then I think you're right, OP, that you are perhaps on rocky ground and the days of this marriage are numbered.

Don't mean to sound depressing. Just it sounds as if he was never your true love, and that's why it's kinda worn out. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I think in terms of true love. I had mine, and I'll always be grateful.

Confused, I would say that I do find my partner sexually attractive, when I project onto him all the things I find attractive about him. I'm perfectly capable of taking them away and projecting on to him all the things I find a bit pathetic or weak or chubby about him and withdrawing my sexuality after a fight, or when I feel suspicious of him or if I am trying to nourish an attraction to someone else. There's a lot in the eye of the beholder. The key is, did you ever find him physically, sexually attractive? That suggests you could again.

Do you respect him? This is a big one particularly for women.

Are you TOO intimate with him? this is a strange one but the joined at the hip,, friendship based intimacy of domesticity can destroy sexuality, which thrives on uncertainty, strangeness and the exotic sometimes. It's worth reading 'Mating in Captivity' by Esther Perel on restoring independence over intimacy to ignite that spark.

Very, very happy. Been together 12 years and I love him more than ever. He is kind, steady, hardworking and adores me and the kids. BUT - I had a shit marriage for 14 years before that with a partner who criticised me, was cold, unpleasant, controlling and foul. When I got out of that I decided that I was never, ever going to settle for 'crappy' again and that I would only ever be with someone who made my life better by being in it, rather than worse.

I feel strongly there can be a very happy ever after - if with the right person.

My biggest role model of this was my parents relationship. They met as teenagers , Mum was Dads 1st proper girlfriend , Mum was too beautiful not to have had a boyfriend before ;-)

I can't remember a time when they had an argument, or be visually in a strop with each other. They always held hands when out etc, every night saw them snuggled on the sofa together .

My Mum gave me the advice once - if you think you find the two of you ready for an argument , stop and think , is it an issue between the two of you or over something someone else has said/ done. If its something else...it's not your argument... It has worked for me many a time.

Devastatingly , nearly 9 yrs ago we lost my Mum. Dad was destroyed, I was on 'suicide watch' as I was so concerned . He told me they were ' like swans' only one partner for life. So yes it was only death that spoilt their party, all marriage vows firmly in place until then. Funeral was dramatic with him throwing himself on the coffin.....

Dad, did 'move on' and moved his new 'special friend' in, but he said to me that it wasn't true love, you were only that lucky once in your life. I felt sorry for her to an extent, for her Dad was ' the one'.

I lost Dad a year ago in November. I went to stay , to help nurse him . We all knew he was terminal, again I felt bad for his partner as it was all about Mum.
He firmly believed that Mum would be at the Gates of Heaven expecting him or come down to take him there.
His partner was accepting, we had conversations and she was so strong, she knew he would prefer mum to him, but she was grateful of the time they had,had. With Dad , I reminisced , thanked him ( them) for what they had done for me and looked through many, many photos together.

We had his funeral, but he asked for another service too. I took his ashes to the exact spot my Mum was scattered, we had a vicar come - Dad wanted them to be joined again in death and it be blessed by clergy once again.

His new partner would not come, she said it was not her place - it was about Dad and his love of Mum.

I felt the way you feel about five years ago - I was beginning to feel bored with my DH and then another man floated into view...... We had a one night stand of which I am NOT proud, but it forced the issue of whether to leave or not.

I decided I would stay because - despite my DH knowing what I'd done (I told him straightaway - not sure if that was the right thing or not.....) he still wanted to be married to me. I felt that his trust and faith in me should be reciprocated. He would have been heartbroken if I'd left.

Looking back, I know very well that I would be a much sadder person today if I had not have stayed. Our marriage has gone from strength to strength. We now have a gorgeous DD, have weathered the storm together of losing our DS1 and are expecting our DS2 in a couple of months. I am madly in love with him now - to the extent that I couldn't contemplate looking at another man now. I fancy him like mad and our sex life is much better than it was. I'm so happy to think that I'll be able to spend the next 50 years - or however long we have - together.

What helped was changing some of the other things that made me unhappy - we moved house and I changed jobs. I also got help for depression.

That's just my story - it might strike a chord with you, it might not. I was lucky in that my one night stand was the catalyst for change. But your story might play out differently........

Well luckily for me, my husband adores me, and says I am without a doubt the funniest, prettiest, cleverest, most vivacious woman he's ever met. And he's very rich and very important, so there. And I fancy him loads, mainly because he is so successful andsuch a fantastic father and an amazing lover.

Nah, theres good bits and humdrum bits, but after 13 years we're doing ok.

Yes really truly happy.

That's not to say its a perfect relationship.... but its pretty close.
Stick with it... we all get bored, we all get scared.

When we were engaged I remember hearing that love is more of a decision than a feeling. Feelings can't always be relied on and, when we've had an arguement about some petty thing, all the loving feelings are gone. When we've said sorry and all's good again the feelings come rushing back.

It is inevitable that the heady excitement of being "in love" is taken over by the everyday life. Personally I couldn't ever imagine trading my sometimes humdrum marriage for any amount of first love excitement. It makes me happy and I think it has been a good foundation for a happy family life too. I hope so anyway.

Ive been married ten years and am happily married.I am very sexually attracted to my husband,and when we were snogging constantly for the first few months and were always very attracted to each other.

I think it sounds more like you fell into marriage as it was the right time instead of being very attracted to him, and best friends iyswim?

Oh, pausingforbreath.

How lucky were your mum and dad? How understanding of the special friend.

Ninth

~I can honestly say I am now very happily married. I'm 29 years old and have been married 10 years. We have been together longer. We've had our ups and downs but we are over that now.

I still find him sexually attractive most definitely!

Together for 7 years and I am truly happy. That's not to say that it is all plain sailing, we have had a few ups and downs but nothing we couldn't work through. I love him to bits and I am still as sexually attracted to him as I was the day we met.

This is my second marriage so having a bad first marriage has made me appreciate what I have now.

Wow, pausingforbreath that´s an amazing story...how lovely!
And treats thank you for that.....it seems some people manage to rekindle things and some don´t.
I don´t think I was ever 100% head over heals in love- don´t get me wrong, we DID feel pretty passionate at the start- but I guess I believed one should marry somebody with whom you are friends first as I was aware that the 1st flushes of love fizzle out after a year or two.
I´ve been emotionally "shut down" for several years without realising it- just coasting along thinking, well, this is it and don´t expect any more. This "flirtation" woke me up and made me realise how much into a protective shell I´d gone and how much I´d stopped caring about the relationship. Oh dear...I do wonder if it´s just me being shit at relationships or if it really would be different with someone else...so hard to know!

Vander are you a psychologist? You are VERY good at this!
I think it may well be that we are too on top of each other and I´ve been trying to get him to understand this for a while. We don´t have much of a life outside work and kids and I REALLY want us both to develop seperate interests and hobbies. We have no family close by so we are a very close-knit family of 4. When I say we should do more stuff apart he says that we have so little leisure time that he wants to spend it together. I feel really suffocated sometimes!

Dear confused. I have been in this situation though with relationships not marriage (phew).

I was together long term with a lovely, handsome trustable man who was very loyal to me and whom I did really fancy in some ways. I had always had a niggling feeling something was wrong and I felt flat or bored, or on the other hand anxious and like a dirty sex-crazed demon who mustn't let on I had hidden urges!

Someone came on the scene who I really, really fancied. I couldn't stop thinking about him and was completely fixated. I lost all interest in my relationship, and that continued getting worse. The flirtation seemed to confirm my feelings about my actual partner. I never acted on the flirtation but probably would have done if a scenario arose. For its own set of reasons the Ltr imploded and I really hurt my partner.

I'm not with either of them now and can see it clearly looking back. Partner was lovely and perfect but for some reason I was just not committed to it. It was right for me to leave but I could have made it work. The flirtation now seems ludicrous: a much younger, unattractive man.

Now in a different relationship, very in love and fulfilled. But dare I say the basic ingredients are not really any different what has changed is my commitment level. The je ne sais quoi comes from you not him. You could recover it, with his help!

DoItToJulia - they were lucky but I feel I was luckier to have them as parents, they worked at it - it worked.
His special friend , yes she felt she was just looking after him for Mum.... Sad for her though.

ConfusedishSay - thanks, hard to live up to though ;-D

Good luck with sorting out your needs and feelings- finding your happiness again.