How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

[ConfusedishSay]

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

[SweetSeraphim]

What a touching post pausingforbreath

[VanderElsken]

If that's not clear, specifically, I really value in my partner that he has vast electronical knowledge, which I don't, meaning not just that around the house he's great, but we have the latest in all sorts of A/V technologies which I get to appreciate because he's in to them and it enhances my life that I'm really interested in his hobbies and knowledge. He also is much much stronger than me emotionally and brilliant in a crisis. if I lost him I'd have no one in my life who is like that and it would be a real lack in my life. He also knows a lot about my world of work and advises me about it sometimes when I have a tough decision in a way that makes me think of him as wise. These are concrete things that I value that he brings into my life and make me respect him which does a lot for my finding him attractive in a basic way. If you can't point to anything you actively appreciate and even admire that he brings then you may be taking him for granted or with someone who doesn't enhance your life.

Sex if often a symptom in a relationship, not a cause.

[leadinglady]

I am in the process of splitting up with DP of 22 years. we have 2 dcs and I know he fell out of love with me long before i fell out of love with him. I stayed with him because i thought we were going thought a bad patch and would come out of it stronger. He stayed with me for the DCs. (which he chose to tell me on my birthday 3 years ago). We've gone from lovers to friends to strangers and for the last 5 years its been hellish with me crying myself to sleep every night.

What i'm trying to say is, only you know what is wrong with the relationship, you and your DH, and he is probably aware that your feelings have changed.

You have invested time in the relationship and i think you owe it to each other to try to make it work but if at the end of the day you just don't love him any more then you should leave.

Do you have children? Have you told him about your feelings? He might be feeling the same? does the other person know you are married?

[jenny99]

Such an interesting thread. Really helpful to me too thank you everyone!

Just over a year ago I felt like you do OP. I told my husband that I feel the love and excitement has gone. (Been together 20yrs). I am in my (very!) early 40s. Nothing changed. Regretably I had an affair. I have confessed all and we are now working on our marriage. My problems are (and I know I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful husband who is trying to work through this)....
I feel he has changed and lost his passion and zest for life...become very middle aged. I want back the fun loving funny man I married. Am I trying to change him or to reignite something in him that has gone.

Sexually I am not attracted to him at all any more. That went when I felt his personality changing... He works long hours and we don't spend much time together because of that during the week. I hope that if he rediscovers some of his sense of fun and we can rekindle what it was that led us to get married, then the sexual stuff will come back?!?

It's hard and I don't know if I am clutching at straws or realising that this is what we have and it is good and solid and the dream and fantasy of everything being hunky dory doesn't exist. I don't know if I have changed and he isn't the right person for me any more or if I am just having my 'mid life crisis' and I hope I come out the other side.

My BFF says marriage needs working on. They aren't easy and we need to work hard to keep them good and alive.

I want to try. I want to be able to look back and know I tried.

Some days I can see it working out. Some days I can't.

I hope some time soon there are more good days than bad.

I want it to be ok. And for you too OP x

[venusandmars]

I understand what you mean jenny but are you now waiting for something to change in your dh and hoping that somehow he will regain his sense of fun? Or are you thinking that you might just 'adapt' to the current version of him?

For me neither of those would have worked - I certainly didn't want to reduce my expectations of how our life together would be.

I suppose I accept that I have more imagination than dp (and perhaps that is one of the strengths that I bring to our relationship) so I apply that to create situations that allow dp's personality and fun-side to flourish. For example after talking about stars and realising that our streetlights diminished out view, one night I put hot chocolate in a flask, and drove him out into the countryside so we could watch the starts together. He then amazed me with his knowledge of different things about the sky and stars and satellites, and he told me about a childhood trip with his dad. All of which made me feel closer to him, and felt like we were really communicating. Of course it would have been easier to stay in our nice warm house - but then a couple of weeks later he took me out late in the evening to walk on a beach in the moonlight and see the phosphorescence in the sea.

[DontEvenThinkAboutIt]

I have been with my DH for 28 years and can honestly say that I feel happier and happier as the years go by. I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

Disclaimer......
Now, I have to say, if I had a magic wand I might wave it over his head and tweak a few things. He does a few things that irritate me but I don't mind at all.

I still think he is really handsome too.


OP. Try and put your all into the marriage, think about it and actively do things to promote your relationship. Do date nights, go for walks together or whatever it is that works for you.

[ConfusedishSay]

Thanks for all these great responses! It really helps to hear from people who have been there and got through it one way or another and also to know there are many in similar circumstances.
Leadinglady He DOES know everything and there are kids (or perhaps I would have left years ago if there weren´t!) He doesn´t feel the same way- sometimes I really wish he did and we could do a mutual and amicable split.
Dahlen thanks....that´s helpful to have a sort of timescale that doesn´t put me under the pressure of expecting a turnaround in 6 weeks or something!
And Vander I know you weren´t calling me bossy!! :-p You are right though- I overlooked those kind of things and he is also quite techie so yes, I get to benefit from him introducing me to i-everything-Apple and he sorts out all the computer disasters! He also works in the same profession as me and is often encouraging and gives good advice. I admire him immensely professionally (although sometimes if we work together, I have the urge to throw sharp objects at him! haha) I value that he never attacks me in a nasty personal way or plays dirty in arguments- he really has a lot of good points. I must go and write a list to stick on the fridge, mustn´t I?
And the fact that he is doing his utmost to fix things and be how I want him to be...Jenny99- have you spoken honestly with your hubby? Perhaps he will need a shake up like mine had to get him to rediscover his fun side again.
I just feel so crap that he is making so much effort while I struggle constantly with apathy. He´s going to get fed up with me not reciprocating eventually and I wouldn´t blame him!

[ConfusedishSay]

Sorry Jenny99...what I meant was I realise you have told yy DH a lot, but have you told him you are not sexually attracted to him anymore? That´s the one thing I haven´t come out and said to mine. I think it would be devastating, even if he possibly suspects it anyway.

[jenny99]

Thank you for your comments both of you, venus I am hoping that my husband will get back his spark and then we will live happily ever after. That I will appreciate the whole package and will want to stay with him. Does that make sense? I will only stay if I really am happy. Otherwise I am not scared of being alone. I won't stay for the sake of it.

We haven't had sex since May. I told him October 2011 that I don't fancy him because his personality has changed and that has affected how I feel about him. Between October 2011 and May 2012 we had sex 8 times. I thought I would try a few times an see if things changed. They didnt :( so yes, he is aware of it. And if course it was an incredibly hard conversation and hurt him a lot.

My worry is, unfortunately, the sex I had in my affair (which consisted of one 4 day weekend together) was mind blowing. It felt like I have never felt before. Not just physically but the way we discussed it beforehand and had talked about sex. I don't think it will ever be like that with my husband. And I need to work out if that matters to me. Do enough other positives outweigh that?

Surely not everything is perfect even in a great marriage but I need to work out which bits are the most important of what I have and whether I will be happy.

It is very hard because it is my husband doing the hard work and trying to 'change' yet it is me that is unhappy. I am very lucky to have him.

But I feel I want to try. I know I really loved him very much and we were best friends when we got married. I want to know if that can come back or if we have both moved on and changed too much.

Where is the magic wand??

[happydotcom]

No. Married for three yrs, together for 5. We have a gorgeous 20 mo son. H shouted and swore at us this morning as ds was crying (0600) and he wanted to sleep.
He never gets up until lunchtime everyday. I'm only 38. I wish life was different. I wish I was the person I was five yrs ago and not rushed into marriage.

[showtunesgirl]

I think the main thing is to say something much sooner rather than later. DH and I have been together for 13 years and at the mo we are going through a difficult bit as we've had virus after virus the last month or so, just both paid our self-assessment so are broke and have a 14 month old DD and all the usual balancing tricks that that entails.

But, though maybe we aren't succeeding that well at doing many things together, we are still trying. And I do think that the effort is quite important. Keeping that other person in your thoughts and really wanting to be with that person and also not tolerating any bullshit from each other and massive drop in standards.

I hear too often: we've been together for years and we don't talk anymore but that's to be expected. I say no, it's NOT to be expected but if that's what you expect, that is what you will get. Say to yourself that you deserve that time, TALK to your partners, don't just expect them to magically become what you want them to be. That's not fair as they are not mindreaders and you are setting yourself and them up for a fall.

But if it really isn't working out, then walk away to give both of you a chance to find something better.

[ConfusedishSay]

Wow, happydot he sounds horrible. Must you stay if he´s as bad as he sounds?
You see, this is what I am battling with. I hear of tons of men who are 1000x worse than my husband and I think to myself, "What the hell is wrong with you? Be grateful!"
I really hope you can work something out for you and your little one.
Jenny that does sound tricky...does your husband not feel incredibly resentful about the lack of sex? When I 1st started going off sex (even before I had my 1st child, tbh) it made my DH very upset and resentful and I´d read how important, almost fundamental, sex is to men and in relationships so I worked out a way of getting turned on by sexual fantasies in my head so that we could at least keep it going. He still was pissed off that he had to initiate it 90% of the time, but at least he still "got some"!
Then this other man came along and I realised that I actually had a libido again....it felt amazing to be a sexual being once more. Suddenly I thought about sex and initiated it.....but it was never because I found my DH sexy :-(

So I know EXACTLY what you mean......it´s weighing up whether you can live without ever feeling that amazing rush again (however transient it will be). What I reckon is that if you are happy and contented, you won´t need to seek it, but if you can´t feel that way with your partner you will long for it. Does that make sense? If you find that magic wand, Jen , can I borrow it?

[happydotcom]

Thank you confused and sorry for hijacking! I don't know what to do except try to stop crying as off to work in half an hour.

[Timetoask]

Oh... happydotcom... I am NOT one to say "separate" as soon as things go wrong, I do believe it working at things and not giving up at the first hurdle, BUT your case is so different, you haven't been together for a very short time and you are already so unhappy.
Do you really want to be with this person for the next 10 years, 20 years, 30 years?
It sounds as if you need to think about things seriously and regain your happiness.

[Timetoask]

I cannot write this morning!
... I do believe IN working...

...you HAVE been together for a very short....

[confusionoftheillusion]

confused - I am in pretty much the same boat as you except unfortunately I am just trying to get out of a 2 month affair. My DH is perfect on paper and I married him for very similar reasons you married yours. I don't feel sexually attracted to him, haven't for years, maybe ever.
The affair obviously has thrown up lots of questions about our marriage (he has no idea about it) and also lots of questions about me and what I want.

I reall like venus thoughts and suggestions. I think I could live relatively happily with dh but sexually I fear I would be frustrated - and really he deserves better a he is a wonderful man. We talked about splitting last yr as he was violent to me (just once - out of character - I forgave) but that has changed how I feel about him too.

Looking back maybe I shouldn't have married him. My mum married someone who on paper was a crazy choice and has not had an easy marriage but they are just so in love with each other and always have been. My choice to marry someone 'sensible' was clearly influenced by that which I can see now. It's so hard to know what to do. Strangely comforting to know others are in the same boat though.

It's so amazing to hear all the stories of people who
Are so passionately in love after many years. Really quite tear jerking!

[lemonstartree]

They win a man, dominate him, lose respect for him, lose attraction for him, leave, then start again. Think about what your parents relationship was like and how that compares. It' s a process, so don't think you'd be safe by choosing another man.

actually the women have colonised the relationship in such a way that they don't actually want to have anything out of their control or purview. This is often inherited from a mother who was frustrated with the marriage she ended up in.

any clues how to break this cycle ?

[Dahlen]

I''m quite interested in that statement, too, lemontree. It resonates quite strongly with me regarding my marriage. However, having mulled it over in my head since reading it yesterday, I'm not sure it's actually that true. What about the man in all this?

My XH was a lovely man and still is AFAIA. But when we got together he quite deliberately presented himself as the strong, capable and in control type. Once we were married, he slowly abdicated responsibility for things until I took over doing everything. That fits the process described, except that I didn't push for domination or actually desire the control - in fact I quite resented having to assume the mantle and ended up feeling more like his mother than his partner. Doesn't that make him lazy rather than me domineering?

[Dahlen]

FWIW, my parents had a very happy, long marriage not that dissimilar to pausingforbreath's parents.

[DreamingofSummer]

Been married for 32 years and can't imagine not being married. Occasionally blissful, very occasionally stormy, but usually calm and contented.

[ConfusedishSay]

Do any of you think that perhaps some people are more suited to longterm commitment than others?
ie. Some women have one or two incredibly close best friends for life or at least long periods of time whereas others, like me, are more the gregarious type with lots of good friends but never really a "best friend" ? Maybe I´m just not good at sticking to one person -either as a friend or a partner. I don´t know if that means there is something wrong with me that needs to get sorted out or if it´s just the way I may be and to accept that I´m not going to ever want the his and hers rocking chairs on the porch during my "Golden Years"!
Any of you wise people have any thoughts on that?

[WhoremoaneeGrainger]

Been married 19 years and 3 days. And yes i still love him. My best friend asked me once how i knew i still loved him, and my reply was that i cant imagine my life without him.. The thought of him not being here, for whatever reason, makes me cry. I cant bear to think of him not being in my life. I love him so very much.

We have had some terrible times over our marriage, the loss of 3 parents, two redundancies, being told we would never have children ( they got that one wrong, we do have a beautiful DD). We have both become registered disabled too - we were both extremely fit and active when we got together 21 years ago, i am now riddled with arthritis, and have spinal problems, he has problems with his legs, and has two large ulcers, and a destroyed lymphatic system in his legs. We have both gained shed loads of weight. We havent had proper sex since 2006, but we still enjoy each other sexually iyswim. But that loving bond is still as strong as ever. He makes me feel beautiful, and loved, and safe, and i know i do the same for him.

Dont get me wrong, there are times when i could cheerfully (at that moment) walk out the door, but i dont. I would miss him too much.

I am sure, that with a lot of honesty and openness you will get through this, and if your relationship is over, you will find the strength to end it.

[Springdiva]

What seems to be missing from many posts is what the DH says/thinks about the marriage/ marriage problems, whether OP or other posters.

Trying to talk about emotions with my DH is like trying to get blood out of a stone. But, if we DO manage a conversation I usually find he is seeing things quite differently to me, neither of us need be wrong, just differing views.

Some conversation if possible might be a start (not specifically to sort problems but for OP to decide what she wants).

[BiddyPop]

I am with DH for 17 years, married 13. This past year has been very stressful for a few different reasons (DD SN dx, DH working abroad almost 50%, my work v v full-on, family bereavements etc). So not the happiest time for us at the mo.

However, I would still say that we are happily married. We still communicate well (even if transcontinental comms can be difficult). We are still very physically affectionate (cuddles and little touches) when in the same place. We look out for each other and while occasionally we are both stressed at the same time, we both try our best to keep things evenly balanced for the other. And we do still make time for ourselves as a couple, as well as sorting all the other parts of our lives as a family (immediate and extended).

I am hoping that the stresses are reducing, but I know there is at least 1 more bereavement likely this year and other things will continue for some time yet.

But overall, I do think we are still happily married. (In our wedding booklet, we had the words "Today I marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for and love" - they were the truth then and I think they still hold true today. We both have very good friends, but we both rely on each other as our rock for stability.)

[gonetobed]

Another one in the same boat here. Very interesting reading this through.

But advice please - HOW do you forget about the 'flirtation' guy and become interested in your DH again?