How many of you would say you are truly happily married?

[ConfusedishSay]

I´ve been married 10yrs to a very nice man who loves me and wants us to grow old together. I thought that´s what I wanted too, but lately I think I´m having a midlife-crisis-thingummy and the thought of being with the same person for the next 30-50 years until I die is quite literally depressing the hell out of me.
I´m trying so hard to want this traditional happy ever after, but I´m not sure I still love him and it´s making me feel guilty and hopeless. Should I just stick with it and hope it´s a passing phase?

[leadinglady]

My soon to be X and I were best friends, and I wonder if that is part of the problem, we saw each other as friends first not lovers.

PConfused

[leadinglady]

Sorry tying to use bold and accidentally posted the above message.

Confused I would say that yes some people are not cut out for long term relationships but on the other hand, and being the internal optimistic romantic I think when you find the 'one' every thing fits and being together forever wont seem long enough.

I hope you are able to work out what you want. I think once you do you will feel so much better. As soon as I told DP aI wanted to move out I immediately felt relief, physically lighter.

[Springdiva]

Well, it seems that you are clearly discussing things fully with your DH, OP.

I think there is a risk of a mid-life crisis thing, when you realise that the 'fun' and 'exciting' part of life has passed, when you had no major financial respsonsibilities and might/might not meet the partner of your dreams, and there is a long slog until DCs are off your hands and you might have more time for yourself - and looking forward you would probably consider yourself past it as far a thrills and excitement are concerned by then (though that isn't the case in real life imo).

And is finding the love of your life, your soulmate, THE thing everyone should be aiming for, to have a happy and fulfilled life?
Can't changes be made to the life you have with the existing partner to make it more fulfilling?
It would seem not according to the many posters who say they have left their DH for someone they are now happy with, having had something missing in the previous relationship.
It just seems unlikely to me that finding THE one is the answer to all our dreams!
Not disagreeing with those who left someone to move onto a 'perfect' partner, more wondering how when we are all so different that that could be the answer for everyone.

[ConfusedishSay]

I´m in captivity! Will pop back when I can. Great posts....thanks all
xx

[ConfusedishSay]

Back again...Charbon that´s interesting about post-flirtation/affair, one´s partner is less appealling. I think in my case, I had thought it was that I had just lost interest and was not a very sexual person. When that side of me was reawakened, it made me realise that it is still very much there but that the dynamic that exists in my marriage is not encouraging it. It also made me realise that I wanted that feeling again and that I am "missing out" by just ignoring it and assuming it can´t happen again. The problem is just how to make one´s self feel that way about somebody who has not been attractive for a very long time.
Leadinglady I don´t believe in "the One" in as far as there is that one person destined to be my soulmate. However I do really sometimes hanker after a deeper connection that has never really existed between my DH and me. Of course there is very little guarantee that, if I were single again, I would meet anyone vaguely interesting that I would connect with, so it´s all a bit of a gamble to take that leap into the unknown!
My sensible side tells me to stick with "The Devil I know"......but I could be wasting my life too....gah! So hard all of this!
So...Springdiva, my thoughts at present are to really try and sort myself out and become as happy and fulfilled in all ways possible in and outside of the relationship so as to work out whether I really need to go in search of new and exciting adventures and leave the marriage or whether I can bring some spark back by being happier as a whole. Does that make sense?
Phew! Is it too early for wine?

[thegreylady]

I am very very happily married after 25 years and would never wish to be with anyone else.

[Charbon]

Confused it's extremely likely your husband is feeling the same way and is just as vulnerable as you to the attentions of someone else. I've just written a post on another thread about this, but in essence when people have stopped viewing themselves as a sexual being, they are extremely vunerable to the attentions of someone else who induces those sensations again, but about oneself.

So it's not because the other person was so great, wonderful or better than a sanctioned partner. The person is merely a vehicle through which you have a love affair with that side of yourself again, that might have been buried or long forgotten. Equally, your husband has probably locked away that side of himself where he regards himself as a desirable, sexual being who is intensely desired and valued by his sexual partner.

If you asked your husband whether he still fancied you and was happy in your marriage, I've no doubt he'd say 'yes' and mean it. If you ask him whether he feels he's an attractive, desirable man who's capable of inspiring lust and intense attraction in another person (including you) his truthful answer might be different.

So you're both vulnerable, although most people in reasonably content relationships don't know how much until something happens and reawakens their sexual selves.

[ConfusedishSay]

You are probably right there, charbon . It did cross my mind that the reason I enjoyed the attentions of another man was because it allowed ME to be the fun, carefree, sexy person I wished to be... Not so much that HE was all that!

[ConfusedishSay]

And I don't doubt that if another woman came along and showered adoration on my DH, he would not be quite so adamant that he would never ever in a million years want someone else! I think I AM able to see things with at least an ounce of objectivity! However.... Not helping me actually WANTING him any more. Not sure one's heart and sexual feelings are things one can jump start through rationalizing though, unfortunately :(

[ConfusedishSay]

Sorry, charbon that came across like I was saying that YOU were not helping me much! On the contrary, I appreciate your input very much... I just meant that my ability to see things fairly rationally is not helping me at this moment!

[Charbon]

One of the things that Esther Perel mentions I think (as have other relationship 'commentators') is that safety and security are often the enemy of eroticism. This is especially so for people who, when forming early sexual relationships learnt to associate sex with something that was naughty, hidden from view and kept a delicious secret. For example, women who had early illicit relationships with teachers or older possibly married partners have often found that this has cast a shadow over mature relationships. So, when they get into relationships that are safe havens and the danger isn't present, the eroticism vanishes.

This is one of the reasons behind the 'hysterical bonding' phenomenon after an affair is dicovered. The threat to safety posed by an affair kickstarts the eroticism again.

How would you feel about having a truly honest, no-holds-barred chat with your husband about your feelings. Give him permission to be honest about his own erotic needs and talk to him about your near-miss with the OM.

It occurs that as the danger is currently silent and seething, it could be more productive if it were brought into the open.

If you think about it, not telling your partner about the OM and your lack of physical chemistry is not just because you don't want to hurt him. It's also because of your own safety and security and not wanting those things taken away before you yourself are willing to surrender them. I think you need to have a dangerous conversation.

[ConfusedishSay]

That´s a very interesting idea. I think you are right- it´s probably all too safe and familiar.
It is a big worry though that if I am brutally honest it could be potentially devastating to his self-esteem and cause a whole bunch of new issues that he might never fully recover from.
I don´t want to jeopardise his future sex life whether with me or with someone else eventually- it would be a horrible blow

[Springdiva]

I think you said that you had to fantasise during sex to get any thrill from it.

I do this and thought it was normal.

DH and I are getting on a bit, flabby (me), bald (him), do long-term marrieds really lust after their wrinkly ageing partners? I lust because that is who I have sex with but wouldn't stick a poster of him on the wall (as he is now)and have erotic fantasies about him.

[stuckintime]

Confused - you could be me. Watching the replies to this thread with interest. Me and DP have been together 10 years, one DS, 3. Nothing at all is wrong with him or the relationship (on the surface). We get on well, cooperate, have a laugh.

Sex has diminished to once per month ever since DS was born and lately I've been struggling even with that.

I've had the odd crush ever since we've been together but have never acted on it and they've always fizzled out and away leaving me glad that I didn't act and glad to be with DP. A few months ago though I saw and spoke to an old friend at a party (DP was there as well). 20 years ago me and this friend nearly got together but didn't because I was seeing someone else and thought I owed it to him to see where it went. The relationship broke up after 5 years and by this time this guy was with someone with a baby on the way. He now has two teenage DCs. I've always wondered if I did the right thing but kind of accepted that's the way it was. Met DP and got on with life.

We've seen each other here and there over the years and there's always been "something" but tbh, I thought he didn't like me and was offended by me choosing someone else over him 20 years ago. At this party though it was pretty clear he and me were both still attracted.

ANYWAY, since then I've been crushing like mad and it is having a detrimental affect on my relationship with DP, which I feel awful about.

Before this even happened I had told DP I was unhappy - mainly because I commute and work 4 days a week and do childcare the rest of the time and he has a much easier life - working freelance here and there and having days to himself when DS is at the childminder. I felt I was always stressed and busy whereas he was coasting. Although he does contribute to childcare and housework so I haven't got that much to complain about - apart from being constantly tired!

I also felt that the necessary respect wasn't there. I have a lot of respect for the old friend.

Sorry, bit of a vent but I'm really feeling this myself at the moment. Thinking that perhaps I should come clean with DP about the crush but wouldn't want to reveal who it was as they do know each other and it would make things very awkward.

:-(

[Springdiva]

I don't think telling DP you are constantly tired helps. Telling DP that he must see to DCs every Saturday because you are taking up mountain climbing/ tennis / a foreign language or whatever takes your fancy sounds a better idea.

Leaving DP so that you can spend your days in supposed sexual bliss with new DP, plus his DTs, plus part share of your DCs, plus your pt job sounds fanciful and unlikely to me.

If you are resentful of DP's life then seems likely there will be little respect for him. Isn't it within your power to change the way things are so you aren't resentful.

You want DP to change into something, you're not sure what. Better that you make the changes to your life yourself to improve it, and then see if a new DP is what you want instead of taking the easy way out expecting some new DP to transform it to bliss.

[Springdiva]

reply above was to stuckintime

[stuckintime]

Not sure to be honest. I do what I can to have my own life and to a certain extent it works. I have my own interests and friends. Perhaps I could do more.

I'm not thinking of leaving for someone else, at all. I'm not even sure I want a new DP.

To be frank, I'm not sure of anything.

[twoboyslater]

Not married yet but engaged for a while. And not one day goes past where I don't think how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, supportive, loving fiancé He is the best father that I could have ever wished for my children to have, and every day that I spend with him will just be another day that I am in love with him. Sure, we have our tiffs like everybody else, but there is never a second where I don't love him.


Bloody pregnancy hormones.

[ScarboroughFayre]

Morning all! I hope everyone had a good weekend - I couldn't get to the computer to post but was thinking about this a lot and doing my best to focus on DH's good points.

Stuckintime I know how you feel, I don't want anyone else, I don't want another DH, I don't ever want to be apart from DH I just wish I could feel excited and lustful towards him again, and that's what I don't know how to change. But I did make a real effort this weekend to consciously view him with new eyes, and to make sure that my communication towards him was respectful and considerate, and his behaviour changed accordingly too.

On Sat eve (after quite a few ) I did have a bit of a try at talking to him more directly about the whole "I can't fancy you if I feel like your mother" thing. Should have done it sober but there you go. It didn't go brilliantly but it did start the conversation - interestingly he had NO IDEA what the hell I was on about, and said he didn't think there was anything wrong in our marriage either. I would have thought he'd have jumped at the chance to have a conversation about things that would make me more likely to want sex but he didn't seem remotely bothered, which was a real surprise to me. Maybe I worry about things that are actually fine. Maybe he is quite happy with the way things are and I should just be grateful that he doesn't mind me not wanting sex?! I have been known to over-think things.

Two things that I did find helpful, however, were a) not calling him 'Daddy' when the children were around, instead using his name - the whole Freudian thing of calling him 'Daddy' reinforces the fact in my mind that he is family and therefore sex would be incest. I must remember to use his name! And b) being more assertive, straightforward and clear when asking for help, so that I didn't feel like a nagging mother. Instead of "someone needs to put the bins out" with rolling eyes I said things along the lines of "darling, I'm going to put the washing out, could you please empty the bins while I do that?", which felt much more 'equal'. It really helped - much less resentment and therefore contempt / lack of respect on my part.

But most importantly since coming on this thread and thinking deeply about the whole familiarity / contempt vs excitement / respect thing, I have turned a corner in my mind. I do want things to work and while I can't change his behaviour, I can change my own, and see how things respond to that. I already feel more positive, which is a start. I also had a rather fruity dream on Friday night which is presumably my subconscious responding to all of this and saying "come on girl, you've still got it in you, we just need to find it and give it a jump start!"

[fluffyraggies]

Fantasising (about someone else) in order to enjoy sex. Can we touch on this a bit more? How many of us do it/did it?

With my XH, who was my first long term partner ( late teens ), i used to fantasise each and every time we had sex. Right from the very first time until the very last. We were together 15 years. I wouldn't say it was a good sign. I'm guessing it's not 'normal'. It was my guilty secret.

Now i'm older and wiser and re-married (to someone with whom i do not have to fantasise) i see it now as an obvious sign that things were wrong. Glaring really.

I would frankly be devastated if i found out that DH fantasises while having sex with me, in the way i had to with XH.

Just interested OP, how long have you been fantasising to get by?

[Springdiva]

I would frankly be devastated if i found out that DH fantasises while having sex with me

Hmm, interesting. I'd assumed most people did it.

Though I probably didn't do it when younger. We are in our sixties now, perhaps the urges aren't as strong and a bit of fantasy spices things up. We are also very reserved and don't swing from the lampshades so perhaps that makes a difference too.

[fluffyraggies]

Just to be clear spring, i meant fantasising that it's someone else you're having sex with.

Honestly i would be v. :(

Swinging from lampshades or not

[OatcakeCravings]

Married for 15 years with small children. I'm not happy but not unhappy either. I am bored and I am irritated with my H a lot. We have nothing in common anymore which I think is one of the main problems.

[katb1973]

I had a friend in a similar situation, married for 6 yrs, 1 dc etc. she met someone else and confided in me that she hadn't known what love was until she met him. She acted quickly, they sold their house and shared their child and she moved in with the love of her life..........6 years later she's back with her first husband has had another child and openly admits that the grass was definitely not greener....so happy he took her back. Food for thought.......it may not be perfect, but nothing ever is.

[ConfusedishSay]

Actually, Fluffyraggies that´s a good idea.....anyone else on here care to contribute or shall we start a new thread??!
In answer, basically since my sex drive started to go downhill once the initial enfatuation phase was over....probably about 3 yrs in to the relationship tbh. I had found myself doing this with a previous longterm boyfriend as I also lost interest after the 1st 18m or so with HIM and was thinking initially with hubby: "Oooo, how great, this guy must be Mr Right, as I no longer have to fantasise"....but then mundanity set in. This is why I´m thinking it´s ME not necessarily him at all. I think maybe I´d get bored and lose my libido with ANYONE given sufficient time :(
It DOES give me hope, springdiva that there seem to be plenty on here who still have the hots for their partners...how nice that must be!
Until this OM was around, I´d hardly EVER fantasised about anyone real or concrete....just made up people and scenarios in my head that turned me on. Some innocent and romantic, others a little ...erm....shocking...
OK....somebody else´s turn to spill now...