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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Missing condoms

288 replies

calidadsuprema · 25/01/2013 23:52

Hi - namechanged for this.

DP and I have been together almost 3 years. We moved in together a few months ago.

Over the festive break I was looking in the medicine drawer for a sticking plaster and came across about 4 condoms tucked in a paracetomol box. We don't use condoms. Date on them was 2014. I assumed DP might have had them since before we met so said nothing at the time.

Fast forward to tonight - my DD felt unwell so I went to medicine drawer for Calpol sachets. For some reason I remembered the condoms and had a look for them. They are missing. DP is 3 days into a 10 day overseas work trip 8 hours time zone ahead. He doesn't usually travel overseas with work. I have put 2 and 2 together and don't like what I am thinking.....I sent a text about half an hour ago to tell him what I have found, saying that it does not look good from where I am standing.

OP posts:

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MidnightMasquerader · 03/02/2013 23:54

So he told you he had them when you contacted them, and now he's thrown them away. His alibi. Why woud he do that?

Unless he hasn't thrown them away and put them somewhere else in his luggage...?

newbiefrugalgal · 03/02/2013 23:59

Sorry but you confronted him over the phone about the missing condoms, which should be more than enough reason why he should have brought them all back.
If he had nothing to hide and it was a mistake taking them then he would have brought them back.
I hope for your sake he is honest with you tomorrow.
Good luck

LittleEdie · 04/02/2013 00:21

If I'd accidentally taken some old condoms away with me I wouldn't necessarily feel I needed to bring them back as some sort of alibi. Just cos we've all been following this and turned it into a 'has he/hasn't he' drama doesn't mean he hasn't thrown them out without giving it a seconds thought.

ZenNudist · 04/02/2013 00:25

Oh, seen yr thread before, thought sounded bit suspicious, but didn't you call him on taking condoms away, hence very important he bring them back?!

Could he have put them elsewhere in his hand luggage like "I'm not losing these - she'll kill me!"?

MidnightMasquerader · 04/02/2013 00:52

I'd probably throw them away too, if I'd realised of my own accord that I'd mistakenly packed them and hadn't had a conversation with my DH about them...

However, if I'd had a worried text from my DH asking after their whereabouts, and I'd told him I'd packed them - I'd probably be pretty anxious to reassure him - and therefore to produce them.

Surely this is the situation the OP finds herself in?

MumOfMissy · 04/02/2013 01:06

Agree with Zen and Midnight. If he knows you know he took them, and he knows you are worried and upset, he really should bring them back to reassure you.

As to the whole reason offered that they were in a paracetamol packet to keep them tidy, that he had a bad back, that he took them by mistake... There's a saying that 'the truth is always simple'. The longer the explanation and the more complicated a story is, the less likely it is to be true. I hope for your sake OP that I'm wrong.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/02/2013 08:51

What a horrible situation.

If you feel things do not add up, you are entitled to do some snooping around - check pockets, the insides of his suitcase, receipts, credit card/bank statements (look out for large cash withdrawals) etc.

Good luck.

scaevola · 04/02/2013 08:57

Well, I can see why he'd avoid the issue when the children were still at large, and although I have some sympathy with tiredness after the journey, I find it strange that he continued to avoid you after that. He must have realised the importance of the matter.

When will you next have a child-free chance to talk?

riveroise · 04/02/2013 09:00

Places in asia like Singapore, China, Japan, South Korea etc. have bars where men buy the bar-ladies drinks, the ladies chat to the "lonely" men in return, and it all goes on from there.....so there is a more laissez-faire attitude towards prostitution, unfortunately.

Maryz · 04/02/2013 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnjoyResponsibly · 04/02/2013 09:08

When I read the first two pages of your thread last week, I thought if it were me I'd just bin them. For no other reason than they're not needed. Nothing more sinister than that.

carmenelectra · 04/02/2013 10:35

I'm sorry OP but I think you have been a bit slow on the uptake.

I would have collared him the minute he walked through the door! Sod the fact that he was knackered. What about you being mithered while he has been thousands of miles away?

Ok maybe you now believe his story and that's fine, but you were obviously worried enough to start a thread. Are you more reassured now? You know him. I wouldn't belive a story like that, but I don't live with a neat freak bloke who stuffs condoms in tablet boxes. Even if I did though, I'd be highly suspicious even of him accidently packing condoms.

I think it would have been reassuring of him to even briefly mention the text before going to bed.

Can't belive the posh wank theory is still going. As I said previously, only a miniscule number of grown men would faff like this. Just bollocks.

fluffyraggies · 04/02/2013 10:37

If he knew how anxious you were i would have thought that yes, he would have bought them home, and bought it up last night. (he may have bought them home - we don't know yet).

He might not realise just how upset you are though OP. In that case he may have just flung them, got on with his trip and is now home, sleeping the sleep of an innocent!

As others have said - weather he bought them home or not proves nowt. Weather he talked about it last night or not proves nowt.

Your gut instinct and knowledge of the guy is what you need to rely on now, OP. I would wait till you're alone with him with no distractions and say you need to talk to him about it. Be honest and tell him you need to talk to him about it properly because you are struggling badly with it.

TheCatIsEatingIt · 04/02/2013 12:36

DH says every bloke has tried a "posh wank," but he wouldn't expect someone to take condoms away to do that. Putting them in a paracetamol packet and picking up the wrong packet, he thinks is very plausible. (He is both very tidy and quite scatty, and takes regular painkillers when his back goes, so can see himself doing this).

I can see him finding the condoms, thinking "d'oh!" and throwing them out without it occurring to him that I'd be suspicious, or in your case putting the phone down and chucking them just thinking "I don't need them, if I don't have them they can't upset Calidad again".

If it turns out that he has been unfaithful, you'll get lots of great support on here, but don't let the fact that this thread's got so big make you more suspicious than you need to be. We're all thinking how we'd feel if it was our DP/DH, but it's not, it's yours, and if you've no other reason to mistrust him, this probably isn't one either.

BadLad · 04/02/2013 13:34

I haven't tried a posh wank, and my male friends were astonished by the concept, for the most part. One or two had heard of it, but said they hadn't done it.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/02/2013 13:38

I agree with TheCat 's last paragraph - trust your instincts but if you think there is a good chance he is innocent, drop this subject unless something else comes up.

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/02/2013 13:39

(and the posh wank thing is NOT relevant to this thread but my DH had never heard of it)

DorisIsWaiting · 04/02/2013 13:59

If there are boxes of paracetamol and brufen in the bag are they uk brands? Only because he originally said he had taken the box by accident?

Hope you get some sort of sense today.

PartTimeModel · 04/02/2013 14:40

Good question Doris! Did he take the paracetamol (from the UK) that he returned with ON TOP of the paracetamol that was actually condoms? ie he took paracetamol, ibuprofen AND condoms all from home/UK?

Or did he get to destination, discover paracetamol was actually condoms, & go and buy paracetamol locally for back pain?

Still none of this proves anything, and if he was shagging around he can buy condoms anywhere ..............

claire96 · 04/02/2013 14:46

If they are dated 2014 and you have been together around three years wouldn't he have bought them around the time you got together? Could they have been meant for you?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2013 21:09

any news, OP ?

calidadsuprema · 04/02/2013 21:34

I challenged him to look me straight in the eye and tell me there was nothing sinister about taking condoms on trip. He is either genuine or a vv good liar. He also went into his luggage..he was unpacking at time..and pulled out another washbag with suncream, travel wash, lemsips etc and there were the 4 condoms I saw at xmas...all dated aug 2014. I think I will give him benefit of doubt. His body language looks genuine

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kalidanger · 04/02/2013 21:53

Phew

AnyFucker · 04/02/2013 21:56

Ok. If you are happy with the outcome, that is all that matters.

Does he understand why you are upset, though ? Tried to make you feel bad, or got unduly angry with you ?

Did his explanation for having them in the first place, and for why he took them with him, tally with what you felt was feasible ?

Did he try and tell you it was for posh wanking ?

calidadsuprema · 04/02/2013 22:19

AF..he was calm and listened to how I have been feeling...seemed to understand my fears. No trying to belittle my worries...genuinely feels like an idiot for grabbing a ziploc bag from the bathroom drawer without checking in detail what ut contained.
He continued to unpack as we chatted and he was completely unfazed when I scanned through the pile of receipts he has brought back.

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