Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is.. the dating chat thread, number 38

999 replies

lubeybooby · 25/01/2013 15:38

All dating related chit chat, as usual... in here

off we go! :o

OP posts:
Scattylatte · 27/01/2013 11:43

snape cool vibe from nameless one..you can be nonchalant and be logistic at the same time. Your house sounded lovely, glad you are in a a nice place now.

I'm going to manage the whole fireman artefact with an air of formality. He does phone me and we get along very well on phone and in person. He describes me as very cool and has told me he hasn't fancied anyone as much as me in a long time. He has made efforts to arrange the cinema visit which he describes is out of his comfort zone. The 'noise' in this situation is, him telling me his mates think I have a 'man in every port', his ex wife and the whole seeing her, having sex for 5 years after a divorce, the phone and car incident.
So, I'll formalise the relationship to friend level and see how we get on.

ike1 · 27/01/2013 11:50

OWW....sorry to hear about the 'blues'. Tell your daughter it is your job to look out for her and as such there can be no 'secrets'...the rest is just pleasant frippery ...paint the floorboards ad get rugs. Hugs..x

OhWesternWind · 27/01/2013 12:06

Yoga hope things go well tomorrow with your dd.

domesticgodless · 27/01/2013 12:21

Snape nameless one sounds LOVELY.

I have personally come to the conclusion that I am myself dicking people around atm. Mr. Serious emailed me reminding me I didn't confirm a supposd date today. And I didn't. I've been too flakey and ambiguous. But this is wasting people's time, and if I'm doing that I'm clearly not ready for OD. Probably still processing too much from last nasty relationship. So I'm off OKC and back on the sofa for a bit.

OWW I feel your pain. I was the one to leave my marriage and my ex still has the nice 5 bed house which I chose, decorated, etc..... I am in a small 3 bed now but it does have a nice view :D He controls every aspect of the kids' lives eg school etc, he 'kept' our only local friends... so i am very much more 'out' of the kids lives as can't afford to live in the area he lives in, only in a cheaper area of London, and as a bit of a marginal eccentric leftie don't fit in at all with the well off 4 wheel driving mums of the public school he sends them to. So all in all I'm very lonely here and feel I live a life as a sort of nanny for him. But OD isnt' the way out of it, I think. Not sure what is, though.

I've tried for 3 years to settle with him amicably, but realise I'm goign to have to take him to court this year or he will simply expect everything to stay the way it is, not give me my share of the house, etc. 4 years since separation, and he still will not agree the divorce. Constant delays and repetition of paperwork etc. So I think a costly lawsuit is the only way and I'm not looking forward to it.

Guess some of this explains why OD isn't working out as well, I don't really have headspace for it.

JulietteMontague · 27/01/2013 12:24

Oww that is just awful. It's always unsettling when you think you are getting on with your lives and yet another revelation comes from nowhere. Maybe DD will tell you soon anyway but she does lnow you are there for her regardless. The phase of missing the house will pass, you already did the very best for them by getting away from abusive ex, you love them well, holidays abroad can wait.

domesticgodless · 27/01/2013 12:25

OWW your ex sounds extremely abusive and as if he hasn't moved on. Putting your daughter in that position is really inexcusable. And will rebound on him in the future, tbh.

JulietteMontague · 27/01/2013 12:29

godless take a bow. Maybe OD was a diversion to avoid dealing with the inevitable. Put that energy into nailing him, he won't know what's hit him Wink

VoiceofUnreason · 27/01/2013 12:30

Juliette - I'll settle for a pic of you in a dressing gown if necessary Wink

OWW - what Juliette said

mercury7 · 27/01/2013 12:33

I have personally come to the conclusion that I am myself dicking people around atm

I think it's hard not to..infact, for me OD is inherently casual until you develop a deeper connection and things often just dont get to that stage.
Most people in my age group are not footloose & fancy free, they have more serious or pressing things to deal with and I see OD as a lighthearted diversion when I've got the time for it.

By the same token if I dont hear from somone I just assume they are pre-occupied with important things like earning a living, dealing with children & relatives etc.

I guess it depends on whether you are looking for something serious or something casual?

ike1 · 27/01/2013 12:44

Snape rereading your post about the seaview flat...I am just so enraged by your ex's twuntery...its really just so fucking crap...cheating with no remorse. At the end of the day life has got to be more honest and better for the soul without the twunts bringing you down (even if materially life is tougher).

It is a good reminder, because most days I find myself thinking back to the life I had with my ex..I truely loved him and he appeared to be a placid, caring person. But he cheated on me when DS was 8months old and continued to do that all through my second pregnancy (I was 'blissfully' unaware) so really I must remind myself that my life is far more honest and more secure than it ever was with him at least I know what is going on now and to an extent 'mistress' of my own fate. Same goes for you, Snape and OWW.

JulietteMontague · 27/01/2013 12:44

Voice now you're talking Wink

Mercury it doesn't sound like you are messing people about, it sounds to me like you are very clear about what you want from the outset which is great.

ike1 · 27/01/2013 12:49

....oh and since he no longer has a reason to be 'nice' to me...I can see his true personality which is controlling and scornful, this was mainly kept hidden at home so he could have his life 'compartmentalised' as he wished. So onwards and upwards, chicks.....

domesticgodless · 27/01/2013 13:00

Oh gosh Ike I saw the same in my ex.

I left him during a crazy manic episode, and blamed myself originally... but the continual, ice-cold hate and refusal to discuss or negotiate anything he has targeted at me ever since even after I bent over backwards to apologise (and gave up things like the house to show contrition) really made me think about who he really was all the way through our marriage. I got very depressed and ended up in hospital at one point following a suicide attempt and all I got from him was one terse phone call about childcare. I realised that this person really wasn't superior to me at all, as I had thought he was throughout the marriage and after.

Hehe no wonder I can't OD, I am definitely too loony and messed up atm. :D I have mental health issues (bipolar) and I think maybe that is just too much for any relationship (my appalling choices and personal bad behaviour in the past would seem to bear this out :D)

I did want something casual or mostly friendly Mercury- for all the reasons listed in the above paragraph :D however I think I've realised I am too flakey and all over the place atm even to manage that!! So I am wasting people's time and that ain't on.

grinchie · 27/01/2013 13:08

And me!
Left a 5 bed, 3 bath Victorian Villa, period features etc, etc.

Now it's me & DD in a new build two bed flat.

We couldn't be happier, Ex was very, very messed up and abusive.
People can shove their snobbery along with their tiled fireplace up their arse, no amount of cornice detailing can make up for living with a man like that.

mercury7 · 27/01/2013 13:14

I also went from spacious family home to 'cosy' flat..mind you it's just me, offspring have sprung off.
I do miss that kitchen, even though the aga cost a fortune to run
oh well:o
c'est la vie
loony & messed up? me too

ike1 · 27/01/2013 13:22

I suppose that is why I would be happy to keep my domestic arrangements relatively 'unchanged', certainly while the children are at home, but have the opportunity enjoy a warm relationship along side this.

I really dont want to hand over too much, certainly not at the the moment, even if I feel a bit 'alone' sometimes. Being 'secure' in the sense of not giving another person the ability to affect your domestic status quo overnight, is not to be taken lightly ....

mercury7 · 27/01/2013 13:27

I love being alone, never feel lonely, I cant imagine ever wanting to co-habit again!

ike1 · 27/01/2013 13:37

I am not sure I would want to co-habit , I certainly would like a decent, steadfast relationship though.

JulietteMontague · 27/01/2013 14:03

I've had good and crap relationships and now that DS is all grown(ish) I would live to share life with a good man, eat, play, do stuff, wake up together, live our lives lots of affection and sex. The whole thing, hopefully for good. Luckily I always kept my finances separate, only bought my first property with a bf yrs ago and made sure I was protected. I was engaged to one live in but I would have had more to loose so after discovering some financial dishonesty I stopped our proposed joint purchase of a beautiful house and told him he could live in my next house, but it stayed in my name. We split a few years later. When we moved here it was a flea pit but 7 yrs later its ours. Even though I would like happy ever after I've worked too hard to be secure so I wouldn't get married unless he was mega rich or something

ike1 · 27/01/2013 14:09

I will never take financial and emotional safeguards for granted again and I think you have played that very wisely Juliette.

domesticgodless · 27/01/2013 14:20

Yes mercury I think I'm with you. I'd like friendship and sex. The last live in was a disaster, he lived 'off' me and expected deference, constant attention when he demanded it, to be the 'man of the house' despite not working, not paying bills, and intending to establish a career abroad (! crazy, yes). I think my own boundaries are fucked up (probably as I am indeed a loon :) as I choose to describe my difficulties, I don't see the point in not making fun of them, they're hard enough). So I need to be on my own for a while.

Thing is casual is also difficult isn't it. Where to draw the boundaries. You can't expect someone to just fit in with what you want, and maybe I can't handle the give and take atm.

I love living in my own particular way, making messes I don't have to clear up cos no one else cares, being in my dressing gown all day if I like on Sunday, not having to run my life around anyone else (except the DCs of course, that's a bit one with a 5 and 9 year old :D)

domesticgodless · 27/01/2013 14:21

I have a dream also of one day living near beautiful countryside up North (as stuck in London for the forseeable) iin a nice small place of my own where the DCs can visit when they are grown up :D these things keep me goingg.

Middy86 · 27/01/2013 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JulietteMontague · 27/01/2013 14:40

ike oh I e made sOme very silly mistakes with friends and bfs and money. Now I've got small income I think if only.. Live and learn eh.

domesticgodless · 27/01/2013 14:46

No Middy definitely DON'T make him a joint owner. Very hard not to do it though, as he might see it as 'mistrust'.