Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I started my own thread a few days ago, and several posters advised me to look at this thread. So here I am (also having read quite a bit of the previous emotionally abusive relationships thread).

At the moment H is constantly blaming me because he is tired and has migranes. He works permanent early shifts, but finishes around midday and has the afternoon to rest / sleep before the DC finish school. I feel guilty in case it really is me making him feel ill.

I don't know what I could do differently, though. On Saturday afternoons I always take the DC out so he can rest, and he has a full day a week of work while the DC are at school so he can do what he likes then. I would like his side of the story. Does he really mean what he's saying or is he just blaming me for things because I'm the easiest target?

He never speaks to me anymore except to swear at me or make (empty) threats. He has thrown things at me a few times, a long time ago, but has never hit me and so I'm not really scared. It's an awful way to live though. When all this is over I think I'm going to collapse and cry and cry.

I am going to leave, very soon. I have found a house to rent, am waiting on confirmation from letting agency that I can move in. Fingers crossed. I want to go to a hotel or something with the DC while I'm waiting for the house but I'm worried about wasting money when I'll need it for furniture and stuff. I could go to a friends', but I'd have to explain the whole situation and I just don't want to.

I know, pony. I may sound naive, but I really honestly think he has no idea how what he says will sound like to me. It's not cruel, he's not aiming to hurt me, there's no gleam in his eye or twitch of the mouth. It's something he's thought, so he says it. Just like a small child would. He's surprised and dismissive if I ever challenge him about statements like these, because if they don't bother him, why should they bother me? That's an utterly ridiculous line of reasoning, isn't it?! The comments aren't insulting him! But he just doesn't empathise.

Hi Nora and welcome. He's behaving awfully to you and it's not your fault. It sounds a horrible atmosphere to live in (not to mention a nice set-up for him) and I hope the house comes through for you soon.

Hi nora and welcome.

The main thing is you have a plan well under way. If you want to stick it out under the same roof we will be here to support you, laugh at analyse FW, and share experiences of our own escapes or other useful knowledge of FWittery from close quarter.

How many days in a hotel are we talking about? Have you costed it? Do you have a running away fund, and have you thought financials?

If friend is a good friend I think I might tell her.

What ever you decide, we can play FW bingo! (Sorry if I sound frivolous, I am having one of my many good days since he moved out 5 months ago, it was 11 months ago since the absolute was pronounced)

Reading upthread a bit, about the dickhead men being nasty about weight, etc. Why do they feel the need to do this? Surely if you're making someone else miserable, you'll be miserable too? I don't understand what they get out of it.

Re. running away, I do have a fund. I wanted to save for a deposit to buy a house, and although I'm still years away from having my deposit it does mean I have enough for rental deposit, moving expenses, etc. I would go to a hotel if I was sure it would only be for a few days, but if this rental falls through I don't know how long it would take to find somewhere else.

FW bingo:

Turning the sound up on the TV to avoid having a conversation.

Expecting you guess why they're in a bad mood, and then once you've guessed that, you can try to guess what you should be doing to fix everything. Then an hour / day / week later, pretending that they never were in a bad mood in the first place.

Leclerc - why you? Because you dared challenge 'the family'. And have survived.

Nora hello and welcome. Am really glad that you can see it for the bad treatment that is. I hope your rental place comes up soon.

Charlotte - no, I know, my FW is entirely without empathy and just couldn't understand why his opinion on everything wasn't automatically my opinion.
Us watching TV in bed - flicks over to Gok Wan (just for a minute, mind).
Me (feeling pretty unattractive after having DS2): I like her hair. Maybe I'll get my hair done like that.
FW: No, you couldn't. You never bother to brush yours.

They just have no idea. Nora, they actually feel better when you feel worse, I believe. Because then someone feels worse than they do, so they feel better. twisted

Can't think of any other real reason, Leclerc - it's not sisterhood, is it, not from her after what she did to you? I think it's that she knows you've kicked against the accepted norm (for that family), she's looking for someone to hide behind I think.

my FW is entirely without empathy and just couldn't understand why his opinion on everything wasn't automatically my opinion

YY. H is always, always right about everything all the time.

One thing that I find difficult to get my head round is how different he is with me, compared to other people. Everyone else thinks that he is lovely, if a bit shy. I don't see that. He is not shy with me about imposing what he wants.

It makes me sad to think that the man I loved is being like this. That is why I have taken so long to leave I think. If only, if only I could do the right thing then he'd be happy and go back to being nice and everything would go back to how it was when we first got together. I think I've realised now that no matter how he behaves in the future I won't be able to forget the way he is behaving now.

A couple of days ago he made a cake (his job is cooking related). I didn't want any because he'd been absolutely vile just evening before and I just couldn't bring myself to eat it. The DC were looking forward to eating the cake, though. I said no thank you so he just picked it up and dumped it in the trash, and he said to me "You can't fucking mess around with me, you slut," and walked out, leaving the DC crying.

jeezo, Nora. That's awful. Keep posting to keep your head above the water till you go.

Leclerc absolutely not. She thinks you don't know how two-faced she's been so she can cry on your shoulder.

Anyway, I've had too much and too many again and feeling pretty sorry for myself, so am going to retreat till tomorrow eve. (Gotta stop eating and get self into better shape. May need to borrow your cross-trainer, Leclerc!) Nite all. [cuppa]

Sorry, I meant . Ahem.

Confide in your friend that you may need to turn up out of the blue, and that if so it will be an emergency. Have a bag packed. There is a first time for everything. My was never violent, not even cake-in-the-bin violent, but I took this precaution.

Bit bleary-eyed this morning. FW kept me up till 1am this morning discussing plans for the new kitchen. Since he is going away next week, everything has to be squeezed into this week: that last night, serious relationship discussions the night before (also 1am). He's still asleep now, though... and we eventually gave up last night when he got tired.

Trouble is, in an effort to avoid being bitter, I get grumpily jokey about everything which he finds very amusing (and then makes patronising statements like, "I'm very fond of you, even if you're still making your mind up about me" ).

I've just realised that his job gets prioritised above everything. Unsurprisingly to you lot, this even extends to his idea I should go back to work in September (overseas) - this is so he can stick with his organisation when they might not be able to stick with him, iyswim. (Thinking of the dcs in all this, and the effect that so many changes at once might have on them, has not occurred to him.)

No matter. I'm going to get a job anyway, which will probably mean moving. I'm doing it to fund my escape from this shitty marriage. If you all stick with me and keep my resolve and clarity, that is.

Have you seen the news? Collins family in "FW's needs weren't put first" shock! Mr Collins said, "At least I know my place."

He's such a joker.

FW is back home....36 hours after going to the "shop" no sorry, no explanation, just festering in bed still half pissed. I asked him where he had been he just said "out". He asked me whether I wished he was dead. I was wishing he had just moved out. No such luck.

Ugghh Charlotte hate JL Collins (boak boak boak)

Have been to the letting agency this morning, and gave them all the documents they'd asked for. Not sure how it is in the UK but here they ask for wage slips, taxation certificates,rent slips, ID card... huge file and then they check it, then send it to the landlord and he checks it too. Then they decide. I don't earn as much as they're asking for but letting agency guy said he would have a word with the landlord. At least I feel like I'm doing something positive to improve my situation. If I don't get this house, it will be another one.

Yesterday after work I was chatting to a colleague who keeps joking about how his house is too big and he's lonely on his own and needs a wife and kids (he's not as sleazy as that makes him sound ) I had to bite my tongue to stop myself volunteering to move in

H is nowhere to be seen. I don't know where he is. The DC are perfectly happy, playing with Christmas playmobil. They are more relaxed when H is not there.

Leclerc I dream of going to Ikea and buying rugs and a bookshelf and a load of stuff that we've needed for ages but just haven't got round to buying. H will never come shopping with me, or go on his own, but never likes what I buy. Gah.

Hello to everyone here. I haven't had a chance to catch up quite yet,will read through in just a bit.

I wanted to check in. H has had some good days and some spans of a couple hours that were not so good. I think they hit harder (the unpleasant behaviour times) after having reasonable behaviour because they seem so much more extreme IYSWIM. It's like having the floor pulled out from under you, so then you feel off balance and skittish even when he is on "good behaviour."

Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier if he were just being a FW all the time. At least my GP knows about it all, and she's recommended I make a long appointment with a specific GP that regularly deals with DV situations. I am not sure when I am supposed to actually find the time for that though!

So I'm still not really any better off at the moment as I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Hello to Nora! I have a similar issue with Ikea, since NSDH hates spending money on anything that isn't beer for himself, he refuses to go to Ikea at all and gets very twitchy when I do my yearly visit. He even refused to go there to look for baby stuff - which meant I did a round trip alone when 37 weeks pregnant in a freezing January. Who said chivalry was dead?

NSDH has been in a fairly good mood this week since accepting his job offer -making promises which will never be kept about things that will be done around the house. I won't hold my breath though. seems to think his working closer to home will magically change all our problems. Today the niggly arguments have started again. I havn't done ANY study today, he did the 'early shift' with DD so thought that entitled him to spending the rest of the day yawning, huffing and puffing and 'falling asleep' on the sofa. Heaven forbid I should have ONE FUCKING WEEKEND to get my study in before my kind-of big fucking exam. Oh no. I forgot. It's all about what HE needs.

I should be offering support to the rest of you so I'm very sorry for not being a better shoulder to lean on right now. I'm very stressed about tuesday's exam. I can't fail it again. I can't I can't.

These last few weeks I admit I've been seriously considering our little thread. Not because I'm any closer to leaving him, but because I've been here since thread 6 (I think that was when I joined) and I can't see myself ever reaching that point when my life will change for the better. The real reason I stay is because I like talking to you all so much.

And DD is being a real bugger to get to go to sleep, taking hours to settle and rising early in the day. I shouted at her tonight and she cried.