Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks ladies. I feel sick, I'm so worried.

I went in and spoke to his teacher just this week, on Tuesday, to make sure she knows to keep an eye on him with his grandad dying and everything else. When I told her about his stepdad not wanting to see him any more, her jaw was on the table. So she knows he's going through a lot at the moment (and she was his teacher last year as well, so knows this has been ongoing).
I've called my health visitor who has previously been great, waiting for her to call me back. May go and see my GP and get a CAMHs referral or something, I already spoke to her about it and she suggested some resources but maybe it needs more of a push now. In the meantime, an angry cushion sounds good! (for both of us...)

I'm worried partly because I have a long history of depression, starting in my teens, and I'm so scared that my beautiful boy will suffer from it as well. But I'm determined to equip him with ways to express and deal with his feelings, all things that I wasn't given or taught as a child. 'Keep it all in' could have been our family motto.

LeClerc, I had gained weight when with my FW. After I had our first baby together, I dieted in a really stupid way (starved myself basically) as he put on so much pressure. That comment from before I was pregnant about me being too obese to be seen on holiday with him - when I was a slim size 12 - was enough to panic me like mad when I got up the duff.

Once I had baby, I lost that weight and going out somewhere one day, I measured myself and was excited because my waist was back down to 29". When I told him it was 29" he said "And the rest".

So afterwards I thought ah sod it then. If I'm a fat worthless bastard when I have a figure other women envy, I might as well get really fat. I got up to a size 22.

The first court case, when he was done for harassing me, I felt like a fat ox in the witness box, all eyes on me and the biggest I had ever been in my life. There was about 8 months between that case and the hearing in the Family Courts, and during that time I dieted in a healthy way, and exercised like a demon. Although I hadn't finished my weight loss, by the next time that dick saw me, I was a small size 14, and still shrinking - had taken up running, did fitness DVDs, and ate clean. He looked livid. Better still, the two stone or so I had lost - he had put on. ;o) Joy.

Their control of women seems to be part of this cycle of denigrating and then making you 'unattractive' to other men. When I look back now, I think I was manipulated into being obese, by him. He wasn't happy til I was literally barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, never 'allowed' to wear make-up, and looking so no other man would look at me (he thought). So my weight loss was fuelled by hate for him.

I did a Couch Potato - 5K programme I found online, and every step I ran, I'd say "I hate (his name)", and ran to that rhythm.

We have agreed a financial settlement! The relief....

hooray bertie

Thanks everyone...a very tiring 3 hour mediation session but we got there in the end.

Sooo...I'm having the house...FW gets a cash lump sum (but I get almost the same amount as the lump sum transferred from his pension into mine). He also agreed child maintenance payments (which I believe means he won't be applying for residency?).

Anyway I think I got a good deal...I am too exhausted to think about it now TBH...

The main thing is that in 2-4 months the house will be mine and he will HAVE to move out...or, as mega-mediator pointed out....he will be trespassing! She suggested he start looking for somewhere to rent straight away

Yayyyy for Bertie!!! One big baby step taken!! Well done lovely!

I can so identify with the weight issue, I have always struggled with my weight from my teens but managed to keep to a size 14-until I moved in with FW years and years ago. He is basically like one of those mental feeder people! When I told him I was dieting it would get worse. Over the last summer I lost 2 stone-FW told me I looked stupid and what was I trying to prove, everyone else said I looked fab...needless to say FW got his way and through comfort eating and his feeding I've piled it all and probably more back on back up to a size bloody 18/20

FW still hasn't come home...I don't know what to do? If he went to work this morn after last nights awol he was suppose to finish and be home by 2pm, no sign of him/call/text etc. How long do I leave it until I contact him to see if he has jumped off a bridge or something? I know he's just trying to punish me as he knows these games he plays messes with my head just wish I knew what was going on. In reality I think he's gone on a bender, wishful thinking would be that he's decieded to move out! Never in a month of sundays! What do I do now?

Is she unaware that you know about the emails? What did you reply?

Maybe she is considering not keeping it and wants your help without involving your in-laws?

Bertie! He's agreed to let you have the house! That's brilliant. I think if your mediator was involved, it's probably as good as it can be - and something else you don't need to think or worry about any more.

Horrible to read of all these FWs' effects on our looks, weight and self-esteem. My FW said to me yesterday, "You've dealt with your spots recently, so I enjoy looking at you now more than I did in the past." Huh. Told him the doctor dealt with them, not me. It's the way he assumes I've done it for him that galls me the most (the thinly veiled insult is water off a duck's back these days) everything has to be about him! FW!!

Ah, so NOW she thinks you have sense!

charlotte that comment made me so . I had started going to the gym. FW told me I had "got rid of all my fat!" My BMI was about 19 at the time, less now. Morons, the lot of them.

leclerc, it would be interesting should you tell him you want a divorce, to see how quickly he would quit his course and revert to full on FW behaviour...

Leclerc - re your SIL - have you had any contact recently? If not, why is she telling you this now? I'd want to keep out of it, I think, whether she has anone else to talk to or not - she's not been your friend. You have enough drama from her brother.

Bertie am genuinely overjoyed that you have sorted things out, and more or less how you wanted them. Hurrah for your mediator (does she travel, d'you think?), she was worth her weight in gold.

Charlotte: really????? He said that?? Am . Even for FW, that's low. So, what were you saying about him having changed????

Or, you could think you are doing a bloody good job by yourself with 4dc, all of whom you are supporting admirably well and think "Fuck him!" for want of a more eloquent phrase...