Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Leclerc any update on the Teddy of Doom ?

Can't sleep on shite sofa again...so had a quick nosy....yayyyy!! Just had to say a big big CONGRATS to Try!!! Go girl!! You are really doing it!! So proud of you Can you put some of your strength into an envelope and post it to me please?!! Am hoping when he's back at work friday I will be able to finally make it out of my black hole unless he buries me in it properly tomorrow! Honestly though am so proud of you making this big brave step, you will need to name change soon to flown to freedom!! ((Hugs)) xxxxxxxxxxx

Well done Try! Most certainly the way to go :)

Try - I actually whooped when I read that your offer had been accepted! And then I snorted my tea up my nose about your skeleton furniture comment! I now have a slightly macarbe vision in my head, of you sitting in a FW seat drinking wine out of a skull (in my head, the wine has smoke coming out of it!).
What a scary prospect for you. I know. But you can do this. Very soon you'll be looking back at this time, not looking forward and wondering. We'll be here to support you. And thank you for making me whoop and laugh! I needed that.

Maggie - stay strong lovely.

Leclerc - Freedooooooom!!!! (said with broad Scottish accent) Let us know how it goes, have considered doing the online version.

I know you are all right that FW's punishing me the only way he can right now. That makes perfect sense. But I still feel crappy about it all, it's as if I've been trying so hard to keep a 'not bovvered' face on, but today the effort is too much, I have a permanent lump in my throat.
And I've got a slightly snotty text from him this morning about bagging up stuff from the house (again...), telling me he'll bring all DS1's stuff this weekend, trying to get me to agree that I wont go into the house (saying again that it's 'inappropriate' , which may be true as it's his living space and I understand and respect that, but his behaviour to me in our relationship was 'inapprpriate' and that didn't stop him did it). Might run it past my solicitor before I text him back.

same here re: the end of the thread panic try SOOOOO excited for you tho with a concrete thing now for your plan, you just feeling the reality of it now, so now you have something concrete to hang onto as your way out.. finally.. yay! Go lady.. ooooo, lovely news!

Maggie nearly Friday, hang on in there - so hope the headspace you'll get back will serve to develop plans for skeleton furniture! and MOVING!

I really hope you are right twelve Let us know how it goes

That's fantastic news Try! So chuffed for you

I'd be interested to know how you get on with the Freedom programme Leclerc, have had my eye on it for a while.

Pony, its ok to feel a bit crappy, as long as you can keep your poker face on for FW. That'll piss him off more than anything .

Not such good news here. NSDH has been offered the job and accepted it before he even told me. He'e really excited, and why not, it's more money (for him, I won't really see any of it) and he's closer to home. I, on the other hand, feel like crying. I tentatively raised the subject of us getting another car to cope with his new commute, and he said no. So there's a storm brewing with that one.

Studying not going well today, I have a migraine. Spent most of this morning in bed and have no impetus to do anything. Trying to make myself get the books open though.

aw god thats really shit Nini I hope your migraine buggers off so you can get on with your studies. I'm really struggling to get mine open for last bit, no help to you I know, but does take huge effort to get into it, and sometimes mine's just not there. Are your studies a way of getting you outta there? take care xx

Aw Nini - that's both rubbish that he got the job, and completely rubbish that he accepted it without discussion with you. And that he wont agree to another car. Just goes to reinforce that he doesn't care at all about your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions. Like the car thing - it's his decision, he says no. Not discussion, no talking it over, no looking at the benefits and can it afforded. Just no. He's the boss. And the boss of you. Hope your migraine passes so you can get the books out and get yourself in a better position to get out of there.

I have my poker face back on. (that's me with steely-eyed poker face, not all green with envy or owt)

Hi nini. Well done, too. You have to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. But you know that already. When I left that idiot, I had an application for a council house (in my name only not his) - already an iron in the fire, and the house came up the week I went into hospital to have my youngest. I got my ex husband at that time - my best friend in the world and now we're back together again - to pick up the keys, as I was stranded in hospital, without telling the nutjob.

More flashbacks. Sorry! It's been very...er... cathartic for me finding yous all! Forgive me. But... yes, a few days before I went into labour, and the prat was visiting me in hospital, (I'd already decided to leave him and as I say, got the house lined up), just this one night I was alone in the antenatal ward. Most days it was full but this one night. And knowing no-one could overhear, Prat started ranting and raving at me. These days I'd press the alarm bell and get a nurse to come running but then....

When the Dick left, I knew it was the right thing, to get my own house, my own door keys, my own life even if I had to do it with older kids, a toddler, and a newborn in tow. Now I look back and am so proud of myself that I got out, and had the balls to set it all up behind his back.

More news - police just called and they want me in at the weekend to do a statement.They are telling me that he will be pulled in very soon now. Last I heard, they were thinking of doing him under the Malicious Communications Act as he got away with Harassment, before. It's taken a while to get them going but now it looks like it's full steam ahead.

Last time, when he was charged he got bail. Jumped bail and after a year or so when they caught him - the idiot magistrates bailed him again. I hope they remand him this time, but bet they won't.

No apologies necessary, teapot. All experence welcome and helpful :)

FW finished early from work today. Hadn't seen the kids since Sat. He tried ringing me, but my phone didn't ring and just got his voicemail hours later. He turned up at the CM for DD and I got a phonecall to tell me completely freaked out as the CM never rings me.
So had to take DS over once I'd collected him on my way home and drop him round. FW actually said "So are you missing me darling? A little bit?"
I just said, " Have you filled the forms in yet?" and he said " So that's a 'no' then!" Silence from me. I saw on the side that he has filled something in, but obviously couldn't pick it up to see exactly what.
Then I got asked about my plans for the weekend. He has the dc sat and overnight til Sun p.m as I am venturing out from deepest, darkest Yorkshire to have a rare night out in Covent Garden with 9 of my friends. I am sure he was asking me to see if I'd trip myself up as I think he thinks I am going to see my non existant new man.

Woohoo, Try! So pleased that you're a step closer to fw-free living! It is scary, but I think it will feel a lot better from the other side.

Sorry to hear of your H's downright rude behaviour towards you, Nini, not talking to you before accepting the job and then saying no to the car without any consideration of you. Hope you feel better from the migraine soon.

Interesting about the changes you're seeing, twelve. My H has been doing similar - much more engaged with the dcs, apologising when I call him on his behaviour. (Well... he said, "I'm sorry it came across that way, I didn't mean it like that," - that actually sounds a bit like he's saying I took it the wrong way, doesn't it?), showing an awareness of my perspective in a couple of small things.

But in a conversation today, he admitted he feels that he has to pressurise me to do stuff he thinks I should be doing, iyswim - this seemed a revelation, but whether it'll lead to any change, who knows?

The problem with all this for me is that mentally I checked out about six weeks ago, so now I don't want him to change! But since I seem to be stuck here for a few more months (am now working towards leaving after Easter, maybe summer, if I still feel I have to then), I'm practising being more assertive and less doormattish. I can't remember if my doormattish behaviour came from baggage I brought into the relationship or if it was a defense mechanism against his behaviour. Maybe I'll find out soon!

First big decision is to stop pretending to go along with looking for jobs overseas. Our marriage is not strong enough for me to consider moving away from my support network. It seems I may have to get a job in September, to support myself if I leave for one thing, which will probably mean relocating within the UK, but I will not move to somewhere I feel uncomfortable about just because he says it'd be good for me or "us". (This may be normal grown-up decision making to some, but for me it's new assertiveness!!)

Phew, essay!

FW finished early from work today. Hadn't seen the kids since Sat. He tried ringing me, but my phone didn't ring and just got his voicemail hours later. He turned up at the CM for DD and I got a phonecall to tell me completely freaked out as the CM never rings me.
So had to take DS over once I'd collected him on my way home and drop him round. FW actually said "So are you missing me darling? A little bit?"
I just said, " Have you filled the forms in yet?" and he said " So that's a 'no' then!" Silence from me. I saw on the side that he has filled something in, but obviously couldn't pick it up to see exactly what.
Then I got asked about my plans for the weekend. He has the dc sat and overnight til Sun p.m as I am venturing out from deepest, darkest Yorkshire to have a rare night out in Covent Garden with 9 of my friends. I am sure he was asking me to see if I'd trip myself up as I think he thinks I am going to see my non existant new man.

Eek! Didn't think that had posted. Sorry charlotte!

Charlotte the point is not whether or not he will/won't/has/hasn't change[d].

You have changed, and now you know what you want out of life.

I agree with the first bit of your second sentence, Silver! I'm not so sure I know what I want out of life, yet...

That's a great way of explaining it to dd2 leclerc. Glad you could get her to understand. Maybe she will be less hostile after having talked it through like that?
School could maybe provide an Educational Psychologist for ds1 if they/you thought it would benefit him?

Could you maybe get him to draw you a picture of how he feels and then tell you about it? It might help him express the feelings he has, but can't express verbally properly.

tis your DCs are acting just like mine did (but mine are closer in age and younger overall) don't panic, keep loving stability around them. Maybe have a look at "When Dad hurts Mom" by the great Lundy bancroft and you will see it writ large...it's not just the FWs who follow the script. It's still early days.

You may find that local WA have resources to put into schools too.

Like the emotional journey art idea...can i sign up too?

oh gawd teapot how difficult can it be for them to just lock him up and then you can relax? Hope he's remanded this time

Eeeuw! Match are you missing me darling eeeuw! What planet? You go have a ball in convent garden girl Well Jel

you absolutely sound like you know what you want out of life Charlotte strong ladies all moving forward!

I too think well managed Leclerc it all sounds like the fallout now that they are getting used to things this way and it all surfacing, they just feel bad take it out on us as thye don't know why, but you are being strong for them and showing them patience, and its exactly what they need.

I am on the verge of name changing to confused, tired & teary I don't want anyone to think that this is the way separated from FWs partners continue to feel for a minute - some recover, even from many many years of abuse, in a really short time, or just never look back and never let it affect them again - so not to deter anyone. I just don't seem to be right now and bombshell today with my support and I kinda hit the floor. I think its probably time to call a halt to today and start again tomorrow. Studies dropped.