Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

But we do often go through some pretty tough emotional stuff after leaving...usually because we couldn't express it before...i had full blown flash backs for a few months after I left. It is a process but you will get through and come out the other side ok Fi.

Leclerc, that sounds like a great idea for DS1. And do speak to the school too, it'll help you to access as much help as possible.

Matchsticks - I laughed to hear your Fw is asking you if you miss him!!!

Charlotte - if it's any consolation at all, I suspect you wont have to worry about the fact that you're checked and so don't want him to change. Because he wont. He's behaving differently at the moment, but that's not evidence of actual change, that's just him using a different technique to keep you where he wants you - and all the while peddling madly under the water (mixed metaphors) to get you away from your support network so he can safely relax and go back to normal (for him), because all this pretending to be nice and thoughtful is draining hard work for him. (But what he doesn't realise is that part of your support network is portable, so wherever you go - we go!!!! )
Don't listen to his words - pay attention to his actions. They will show you that this different behaviour is just a thin, flaky wallpaper layer top of the solid abusive wall. (Oh, I am just metaphor-crazeeeee tonight!) And they already are showing you - he's brushed away your concerns about moving as if your opinion is unimportant and silly. If he's serious about change, ask him to stop talking about moving until your life/relationship is more stable. On the other hand, don't ask him to stop - let him get carried away with it and focused on it, all the while making your plan to be elsewhere.

Something Fi said there Leclerc, I think that rings true - that the fallout is happening now, that it takes a long time. I was in my abusive relationship for a fraction of the time that you were in yours, and the behaviours weren't as bad as the ones your DCs experienced, but still, it takes time, to adjust. I realised today that this week, he's come into my bedroom almost every morning at around 7am for a wee cuddle before we get up, for the first time since we've been here. He used to do that before FW was on the scene. After, FW wouldn't let him in our bed ever. Even if FW wasn't in it. We've been in this flat for nearly 6 months, and that's how long it's taken him to feel comfortable with coming into my bed again - I'd told him before it was fine but he said no, he didn't want to. And me, I still can't open up my web browser without using incognito browsing. It may be that it's only now that your DCs are processing things properly.

Fi, thinking of you, am ohhhhhhmmmmming good sleep thoughts your way so you can have a restful night. Hope you're doing ok.

thank you lovely ladies. Everything making me cry. I couldn't believe the huge reaction I had it just was such a shocker, and I just want it to stop, the yo-yoing and the feeling ok/not/up/down/tired/exhausted/childlike/hurt/angry/crazy??!? getting a grip on reality and losing it again... circles...ohhh!

It's hard, Fi, like one of those big fairground swings, throwing everyone first one direction then another as it goes between two points. The emotional rollercoaster. You just want to get off. Try and sleep and relax, it will help.

Sorry, I promise I'll stop with all the iffy metaphors now, am seriously bugging myself!!!!

That sugar lid analogy is brilliant, Leclerc.

((Hugs)) Fi, hope it looks a bit better in the morning.

Maggie thanks for yay ! Sorry you were having another shit night on the sofa though ? hey, want to come and share my scary new place with me Love the nn idea! And he won?t bury you in your black hole because us lot?ll come and do for him if he does

Ah leclerc I used to get all that crap from my fw about ?I don?t need a Hallmark day to tell you my feelings, blah blah? grrrrrrrrrrrrr! Re your dd, she is definitely at ?that? age, you are doing a great job and your strength and the courage she has seen in you will be a strong (if unacknowledged!) support to her. I hope TOD is transmitting loud and clear And yay re Freedom Programme ? fantastic news. You reminded me to find and enrol on one pronto before my courage deserts me! Your first day sounds interesting. And lovely explanation you gave to dd re porcelain lid

pony thanks for your whoop and support! Your words rang really true and really help me a lot xxxx I am so your fw is being such a prat to you. Why is he doing the ?bagging? up in dribs and drabs ? is it kind of water torture? I know what you mean about knowing the logic but still feeling upset. The only comfort I can offer is that you WILL feel better soon and the best part is, you no longer have to live your daily life around this kind of nasty fwittery. Good idea re running past sol.

Thanks, Fi ? it?s what we all secretly hanker for, maybe ? skeleton furniture and a teddy of doom Strength and peace, lovey

Nini so gutted for you about fw?s job and the car situation. I hate the way these fws make radical decisions without telling us, but if we have the temerity to change a tea towel without ?consultation? we are the wicked witches My FW decided on a career change (not yet materialised tf) and droned on at length to all and sundry with absolutely no consultation with me, even though it would have meant him leaving a steady job that I helped him (by supporting him) qualify for, and launch into self employment in this scary financial time. Chin up Nini love and good luck with studying, we?re here for you

Tea that?s so awful about him ranting at you post natal and you having to make that scary move with dcs and a new born ? you really had huge courage and I am in awe and inspired by you. I?m so glad you had your lovely ex-and-current man to support you I hope the police manage to nail nutjob this time.

Match I see your fw?s reading from the fw script again ? let?s send them all to an uninhabited rock to live together ? God, the results would be hilarious if we could watch them BB style! It would be fine Saturday night telly for us while we?re in the commune

Charlotte I agree with silver - think about you ? you?ve changed ? which may mean you are no longer able to live with fwittery ? someone said on another thread, once your eyes have been opened, they can?t be shut again (or something!) Oh and just read pony?s post to you ? she said it far better than I could and expressed it so well. Tread water and keep safe and strong.

oops another epic late night post - sorry lovely ones!

Tonight my fw engineered an argument with very provocative comment, then when I responded with reasonable indignation (and my response was conversation, not shouting or rudeness but I should be able to have my say, right or wrong, shouldn't I?) he went into frightening white hot angry furious muttering with spat out insults as he clattered around kitchen - you know how you hear the scary signals? So instead of being able to speak like a normal person, I had to shut up and smooth over to make sure he didn't explode into terrifyingness - which actually helped me to see why I am having to leave. He's pretty much helping my resolve infact

charlotte btw I meant I've just read, not meaning you should just read - sorry, reading it back, I realised it came out wrong!

try that sounds a lot like my ex who went on to be diagnosed as having paranoid personality disorder. It might be some other mental issue, not that particular one but... Do you think there is something "diagnosable" going on there?

Love to you. Keep yourself safe.

Random middle of the night rant alert (sorry ladies! Have to get it out before I explode)

Tonight as I was putting DC to bed (7pm ish) FW said he was nipping to the shop...me knowing him so well knew this meant he was really going to the pub. Why lie? Its just insulting. So as normal it gets to midnight no show of him, he then sends a text saying he's finishing his last pint with so and so and will be home. Knew from experience this too was a lie. Hours later still no sign. He has now just sent me a random text at fecking 3am on a thursday night telling me he will "see me tomorrow and that he's safe" WTF? I mean really? Please tell me I am right in thinking this is not normal bahaviour of a family man no matter what state the relationship is in??? I am so fecking drained and tired of this whole rubbish. I've not slept at all and now will be a zombie for kids tomorrow again and my IBS has been really really bad and painful lately too. He normally gets home at this time but it would appear tonight he has had a better offer. He is even suppose to be at work at 7am in the morning, he will be looking at losing his job if he carries on going in stinking of booze and then my child maintanence for when I escape will be up the creek. He also kicked off at DC early eve as DS (21months) spilt his milk on carpet by accident, he shouted at us all and then stormed off upstairs in a sulk for ages. I just made DC laugh to stop them feeling so bad about it. I think I am going mad! Its not normal is it? I mean normal family men would be in bed next to their wife/partner now cuddled up wouldn't they? He keeps telling me I am the one that needs to change aka start shagging him again and being a doormat and everything will be ok again. Everything hasn't been ok for the past 13 years but he thinks nothing he does is wrong in any way. ARRGHH!! I hate him. Tomorrow is project get escape plan back on track day. I won't even be able to sleep properly now incase he does come in as sometimes he forgets is too out of it to lock the door properly

Thank you for listening and for always being here ladies...if I didn't have this support I know I would be doing exactly what I used to do, curled up in a ball sobbing my heart out and blaming myself for being too fat, ugly, boring etc etc for his behaviour and that I deserved it. Detach detach detach...(bloody bollock head bastard) Until tomorrow lovely ladies, peace and strength to all...xx

Hello, and good luck to all - left, leaving, planning to leave, or, like me, staying for now (but avoiding nsdh as much as possible, and being with children and having fun as much as poss).

I hope it is ok to say - I read through these posts yesterday - to Charlotte and to everyone: please do not consider on any account whatsoever, even for one moment, moving abroad with nsdh, because you will then be stuck there, under the jurisdiction of that country, and not allowed to take your children "abroad" (ie. back to UK) without nsdh's consent.

(Am in that situation here, but not too far from UK and I'm not wanting to leave anyway just now.)

This applies even if you go abroad on a temp contract (happened to a friend- here on temp contract: dh had affair and wanted to stay to be with new girlfriend, so his children (and therefore wife) had to stay here too - courts not interested in the family's original plan to go back to UK after short time), and even if nsdh gives verbal consent for wife to return to UK with children, he can later withdraw it and have police call at your new UK home to take the children immediately back to their father (also happened to someone here) - so nsdh's consent for wife and children to leave must be in writing, witnessed by lawyer and registered at court.

Sorry to write such a long post on this, but I do wish someone had made me more aware of these rules before I moved here. The rules are based on the Hague Convention on abduction, which is currently being interpreted in a very strict way that doesn't look at the circumstances of the family or even at the rights of the child.

maggie detatch and plan, detach and plan! Log it, as well. That is not normal behaviour, well it is normal for a bollock brain... Log everything, as you might wish you had, later. As for him losing his job so not being able to pay child support... Child support would be ace. But din't count on it. My FW found a loophole in the law that said despite having a fortune in the bank, own flat in London etc, he didnt have to oay a penny for his kids if he got Incapacity Benefit. My old friend's tame bollock brain (live that, gonna be using it all week now) actually went to the lengths of getting a job on the rigs in Scotland, despite living in Birmingham, so he would technically be out of the country and not have to pay her a penny. She brought up her two kids on benefits. He actually spent the majority of his time down the road from her, but that wasnt what the relevant people were told.

CSA were told by me and by the coppers that ex had a stash in the bank but they really weren't interested.

Wow, five, scary stuff - thanks for that, that definitely adds weight to my resolution not to go, not that I'll be sharing that line of reasoning with him!

Maggie - hope your get escape plan back on track day is going well! You deserve so much better.

Try - I had to laugh when I saw your response to Nini's shitty FW's behaviour: but if we have the temerity to change a tea towel without ?consultation? we are the wicked witches
So I should be grateful that my FW actually gave me full licence to 'have opinions about floofy things like tea-towels'. What was I worried about, eh? He's a great guy.

I'd definitely watch FW BB, but it wouldn't last long. First evening there would see an almighty argument over the tv remote/kitchen/chalkboard (all believing they are 'king' so are fully entitled to it), and they'd all have killed each other by the morning, in a Monty Python stylee.

Maggie - I have nothing to say other than - not normal. Detach, escape, in either order. hugs

Woops, didn't mean to pretend-link to hugs. Although would be cool if I actually could.

Leclerc, I think my DS1 is going through something similar. He's got so much going on at the moment, with FW not wanting to see him and his grandad. And on the surface he seems fine. But he's not. I'm seeing it more and more. His behaviour the past couple of days has been very boundary-pushing - looking me straight in the eye and doing the thing he's just been told not to do, or shutting his door in the middle of me talking to him. Maybe he's seeing if I'll not want him any more either. God that makes me so angry, to think of the hurt he's going through because of that waste of space FW.

But this morning he really scared me. He was getting into trouble because I'd asked him to get dressed several times and he wasn't doing it (this is fairly normal delaying behaviour, very draining). He was cheeky to me, I told him off (didn't shout), he shut his bedroom door while I was speaking to him, so I called him out of his room (still not shouting, calm and stern). He came over to me and told me he hated himself. Then he said he wanted to kill himself. He said these things several times.

What do you do? I just went cold inside, and I didn't know what to say, other than to try and stay calm, which I just about managed. Told him I loved him, but that he'd been cheeky, but that it wasn't a big issue, he should just apologise and get dressed and there was no more to it, that I loved him and I was going to hug him. Started talking about his birthday and other stuff, and after a couple of minutes he came out of it. Still wouldn't get dressed though, until I let him bring his clothes into the living room.

DS1 can sometimes over-act and do things for effect (fake crying, grrrr). But I could hear and see the pain in him when he said that. He might not have actually wanted to kill himself, I'm sure, but he was in pain. And now I am too. My poor baby.

Just a quickie to say thanks to you all for support. MIL has been to collect DD for the night so I have filled her in on situation, not hiding his shit anymore from anyone. Off out now with DS to put my xmas gift money from family in my secret bank account. No contact made from FW this morning at all. God knows when he will show his face. I'm not even going to react to what happened last night as sometimes I think all he wants is to start something.

Leclerc sorry to hear about DS, I have terrible angry tantrums with DD too, she is only 3.5 yrs but have been going on since 18mths old. It was like she was possessed. A friend had experienced the same with her DC and had used the 'angry cushion' method. It works a treat. Basically I took DD to the shop together, like a game as if on a special mission and bought the most angry looking cushion (cheapo bright red one from tesco I got) and then explained to her that when ever she feels angry and needs to hit out she can hit the cushion instead of me/DS and then chat about it afterwards what made her angry and we can fix it together. I would say 9/10 times it works as they have something to aim the anger at. She now knows its ok to feel anger but need to get it out in the right way without hurting others and then chat calmly afterwards. She keeps it under her bed and thank god it seems to come out less and less now So far so good!

Until later ladies...

Sorry Pony xposted. Oh dear your poor DS and poor you I don't think these FWs know half of what they are responsible for stay strong, you are a good mummy. Virtual link hug back to ya x

Ps-i wonder if the angry cushion method would work on FWs?! I once bought my FW a punch bag to aim his anger on that rather than me. How stupid of me. He sold it a month later (didn't give me ny money back), obviously it wasn't as much fun as shoving me around oh how the flashbacks come back-is good for me at the mo as is giving me that kick up the ass to get sorted. Off out-love to all