Support thread for those in Emotionally abusive relationships :15

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Welcome to all the new people, I hope that you find some help on here even if for now it's only reading other people's stories and seeing that you are not alone. It's difficult to talk in RL I find. I have loads of acquaintances but I would never tell them what H calls me. There is only one person I've been able to tell, and that's because she used to be married to a FW too. Not sure what he did but he's only allowed to see his DC under supervision at a contact centre, so it must have been pretty bad.

Fi and Matchsticks my DD1 is 6 and plays up quite a bit. She would never dare shout at H, but she will to me - acting out what she's seeing, maybe? I never raise my voice but send her to her room to calm down. I don't know how to explain H's behaviour - he does things that she would be told off for! I have said that Daddy is very tired and doesn't feel very well, that is what makes him cross. That is just making excuses for him but I don't know what else to say.

I can't imagine being on my own. He will always be in my life because of the DC, but I can't imagine not being his wife anymore. I'm scared of being lonely and I worry that I will get together with some random bloke just so I'm not on my own. As a teenager I was too shy to ever have a boyfriend - I always thought I was fat, ugly and stupid and I worry that history will repeat itself now.

leclerc, I'm always proud of you love!

nora, one day you'll talk about it all, when you're ready.

til then, you have us.

its spooky isn't it nora , the well behaved child with the FW, actually not spooky, horrible and unnatural and this was often when I got this anger stuff, after every visit.

I used to say that daddy wasn't happy, or was angry and to stay away when he's like that. DC don't really understand and its confusing, but they do at least feel supported, and its not them seeing any judgement from you, but that you are on their side maybe? but they work out for themselves to be cautious and super well behaved in case of anger, and I hate that because what about the future men in their lives, what kind of role model is this for a girl for obvious reasons, and boys can then take on the role of male dominator, all of that is whats really scarey.

Low self-esteem is only gonna get lower with a FW. I get lonesome, with no family here I don't get any breaks really. Much of the time I don't get time to get lonesome, but fear of meeting another FW makes me mostly happy to stay indoors I think it'll have to do for me til DC fledged.

argh received an on-the-face-of-it reasonable email from fw which when you get down to it, explains kindly that we'll be ok now because he now fully realises my "problems", the "extent of my panic attacks", why this may have led to my distorted view of him, how I should try and put the family first, how he is ready to support me in my problems so we can resolve our problems. Oh and how he is a good family man who "helps me in the house" (because obvs the house is purely my responsibility, despite the fact that we both work and I actually bring in more money than him ATM.) But all buried in reasonable sounding discussion type text.

Obviously I have replied appropriately to his "hidden" jibes and agenda-laden statements, but grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

and grrrrrrrrrrrrr on your behalf Breathe...keep breathing and flying, and understanding his games.

Hi all...sorry not caught up yet with everyone...been up and down with DD all night, crying her little heart out saying she doesn't want to stay in this house anymore as daddys so grumpy its only been general FWerty recently too but she is only 3 years old and must have so much going around her little head. Managed to get her laughing the last time I had to sit with her so hopefully she will now sleep happy for rest of the night. Bastard FW despite being only a room away snored on through it all, which is probably a good thing as if he heard her he would probably say I was turning her against him DD is having a sleepover at grandparents tomorrow so going to ask them to really spoil her and if she can come back late on saturday just to give her a break from it all

In other news....back to storage place either tomorrow or saturday to finalise getting a unit, also emailed a woman from rental agency Ive been working on being a friendly contact with so she can hopefully plead my case to landlords for me for any new properties that come up on her books, also been looking into non-molestation orders - has anyone got one of these in place? Fly was this one of the ones you got? I would like to have it in place before doing a runner tbh!

Fi Was it you that said you logged info with police anonymously? How did you go about that? Ring the 101 number or is there an email address etc?

Thinking of you all.....thanks for advice/support recently, not sure I responded to it all to say thanks before .....and so to bed...opps i mean sofa xx

PS - Been listening to Mumford & Sons tonight....so many of there songs could identify with the situations we are all in....music for the soul xx

maggie your DD has good instincts and she is, in her way, supporting what you are about to do. as heart-breaking as it is to hear, at least you know that she feels bad too in that environement and that it's vital you get her out.

Good luck with it all and I hope you get a breakthrough soon.

For those too that are looking at their DC and wondering about the good behaviour for FW and the bad for us. It's usually out of fear. The 'love' we see displayed for these shitty 'partners' (PAH! partners in WHAT precisely?) is usually a version of hysterical bonding, being good, nice, loving attentive so that they don't get caught up in it. Self preservation really/

They act up with us, because they can, they are not afraid of our reaction.

Plus at 5, this is when the challenging stuff starts... wait till 6 and 7 [argggghh] It's normal, we will get stronger as time goes on and we will be able to deal with it. When we are free.

For those of you looking at a long and lonely life ahead, DON'T. Just focus on doing what you gotta do now and the rest will work itself out.

I swore off men for the rest of my life. ~Absolutely. But I wanted to repair the harm FW had done, so I did the FP, I went to a group, paid for therapy.

In the course of this a number of odd man-centered things happened to show me that I was lonely. But I was terrified of making the same mistake. I was terrified of leaving the house mostly, but terribly sad at what my life had become.

I eventually felt that if I allowed myself to shut myself up again, away from all men, that somehow FW would have succeeded in ending my life.

Thing is, if you do everything that you can to recover from the DV, if you do the FP, and whatever else you can, ideally counselling (NOT CBT, it's only good for breaking habits of thinking, not delving into the reasons for your self esteem issues in the first place), you will be strong enough to see the red flags, and confident enough to make them dealbreakers and reject any hint of fwittery.

So, while most here are at a far too early a stage to contemplate starting again, can I ask that you just tell yourself that one day, perhaps when you are ready, when you have put the work in and feel stronger that maybe, just maybe you will think about it?

Please lay Hope out on your Life Table and don't ever give up on it. We can help those of you starting over to navigate any FW behaviour, so no need to be scared.

In the meantime you need to work on the word NO, and state and police your boundaries.

My love and admiration to you all, I know how hard it is for you all, but please know, from me, just how flipping easy life is when you are out. You really won't believe it, i promise you. I want this for you all.

huge hugs [bsmile]

fly that jabs under the guise of niceties is what my family specialise in. [ssad] Ignore it, and know that he's a FW and that's why you loathe him.

Tell him not to email you again as it's not welcome. Don't reply to anything that is not about DC.

And then ONLY reply in one or 2 words about the arrangements if you possibly can.

He's looking for a feed, so don't give it to him.

I meant [bsad]

He thinks he's found his excuse FLy ! Think its called passing the buck! well dealt ... grrrr indeed!

Yes Maggie the non-emergency number. Although they kept asking (I also did 141 before ringing so my number didn't appear) for my details, so I had to be quite insistent that I wasn't going to give them, but needed to log events and take a reference number. I had phoned before and just asked them the procedure, without even logging anything but kept being asked my details so cleared off, but later grit my teeth to the questions and got it all logged. Very lovely concerned helpful voices on the end of the phone.

You sound resolute, lots of luck for good progress hun xx

My happy go lucky facade face is out of action today leclerc
I don't think he would find out about AD's but from mental support I have had they advice trying to work through it in your mind yourself if you can and get your mind stronger without drugs (easier said than done I know). I am sure your Mum being there this weekend will cheer you up. Try to chat about other things (also easier said than done). I always try and think my FW doesn't deserve the publicty but when you are fearful and they are so manipulative you keep thinking about things to try and help yourself cope with what they may do next. It's hard not to feel `on guard'. Again advice I was given from a mental health professional was to just say to yourself that you will cope with what happens, not try and predict it and enjoy the moment more. I'm trying but it is giving me a headache.

Fly I love the email! I think your FW should send it to all the other FWs to save them having to write it themselves - if they have not already done so!
Be angry - be very angry. Then delete said email and get on with more important things than FWs (like ... well, just about anything, really)

Leclerc read Fly's email again. Did you not get a very similar one not long ago?
Yes, one of the worst things about leaving a FW is trying to clean up the mess that they made of our lives - emotionally, financially, workwise ... I won't go on with the list, but we are now working for ourselves and our children.
ANY headspace given over to FWs will just make the tiredness greater and fog up our brains.
That rant was, actually, for me, so only take it if you need it.

leclerc holding your hands here and I am weepy. I understand every word of that to the core. Even the `I''l probably be fine tomorrow'. We always hope (and pray) some how the strength can be found within us the next day. I am sorry if you have already posted about this as I am very new but can you have some counselling, this would give you some you time with some support? You have had a hard week but from bad expereince I am glad to hear you are feeling that. My worst problems came when I had stopped feeling the pain and carried on regardless and became very ill. I think it is better to feel low than nothing, it helps deal with things (If I hadn't been through that and some had said it to me years ago I don't think I would have understood what they ment). Your GP sounds fab and supportive which is great.

leClerc I think you are right and it's just a reaction to keeping it all together. Be gentle with yourself today. Feeling guilty about feeling bad is just compounding it, and tbh I don't think you need to feel good for DD1, just be honest with yourself about your feelings, and with her in an appropriate way. She will then learn that these feelings are all right to have, and that they can be worked through, survived, or processed.

A short course of ADs can be helpful, and I don't think FW could use it against you, especially as he is the root cause.

Leclerc, agree with Silver, I don't think you need to feel good for DD1, and I think putting extra pressure on you, like that, is unecessary and unhelpful. We do the best we can.

Maggie hope that your DD managed to sleep OK.

Leclerc yy to sofa and crappy food sometimes it just seems so hard to carry on but what else can you do?

Not having a very good day today. I am at work and haven't seen H, but I feel like crying whenever anyone speaks to me, even though they are saying perfectly normal things. I started crying while I was on the phone to a supplier, they didn't notice and luckily there was nobody else in the office with me at the time. I hardly ever cried in all these years and certainly not at work but now I can't stop it. They don't know about H and I'm not about to tell them, but I worry they'll all think I'm crazy. I worry about H. If he really is depressed I should be helping him, not leaving him on his own.

nora it is not helping him to let him express his depression in abuse of you. He needs to sort himself out with help from professionals. Only then can you tell whether his behaviour is due to his depression (and yes I know depression is not an excuse, but I have been horrible myself as a way of trying to get others to understand how I feel) (also in my case depression was in large part due to him, though I didn't fully realise it at the time).

Could you plead a headache or something, and go home early?

take care Leclerc and all with their heavy loads

I know I'm a misery to be around at the moment, and I do tell my DC that sometimes, a break in the form of a trip to Les Mis for a big cry or just to get out for a while and speak to others, gives you a break from it, but I keep debating whether to take up offers of meet ups cos I'm not such good company, but then it does seem to turn out good?

I'm tired, often down on myself, got v close to going to GP for AD's over the last few weeks/xmas, and come within a gnats whisker of losing my years of study (still teetering). I've tried to 'sit with it' and give myself a break from all the stuff I've been juggling, whilst I just think, or don't think. There are things happening that tell me its getting better deep inside, but its a hell of a lot to be patient with! but I'm trying. trying to be patient with myself and let it happen, not run away anymore try to keep up with everything

I did think the same as better about AD's, which stopped me going to get some in the end, that it they would bring fog and I really need the clarity!

Supporting ((hugs)) for all those feeling miserable today.

I'm sure there lots of simple exhaustion with it all in there too, take care xx