Help! Separation iminent.

[amelia]

Dear All, I wonder if you could help me. My husband and I have been going to relate counselling since October. We've had a dismal time for the last 3/4 years, particularly since we moved up north and baby no.2 was born nearly 4 years ago. I have tried to talk to him on numerous occasions during this time about our situation and in August last year, said I wanted to leave. After the initial argument, he said nothing to me about this, even during our 2 week holiday away when we had evenings to ourselves. I said it again in October and he asked me to go to counselling which I agreed to do. I don't feel any different about him tho'. I don't love him. i feel that I have tried to explain how i felt and he has not understood (or I haven't explained it properly?) Last night, I said I still wanted to leave as I don't want to carry on in a loveless (on my part - he says he still loves me)relationship where I feel uncomfortable with him and unable to rekindle the fires. The reason i am writing is that he has asked that I try and think of something, anything, that he/we can do to try again, as he does not believe that we have tried had enough to solve our problems. I have no idea. we are way past the try and spend more time together/have romantic meals together stuff. I'm lost. I have no idea what to say to him. i feel I have tried my hardest and that sometimes, although it's painful, it is best to let things go and move on, and I do not see us being together anymore. has anyone had a similar experience or could you offer any ideas. I know the above falls far short of a complete description of our marital breakdown but I'd be more than grateful for any comments. And he says it tears him apart that we won't be able to provide a family for our girls, which of course upsets me too and makes me feel that I've let them down.

LWK, I'm glad you are happy and I hate to throw a spanner in the works but..... Do you think you are too dependant on him? Sometimes if we dote on someone, are there for them all the time, do everything with them, we can suffocate them, drive them away in fact. Your love sounds more like an obsession and maybe you need to deal with that. You say that you work, is that full-time? Do you have any friends that are just your friends and not his? Do you go out sometimes without him? You do need to have a life of your own to you know. Part of a relationship is respect, and that respect comes from having a life of your own and respecting your partner's right to have his own life too. If your life is dependant on his, then how can he respect you? I would suggest you get a hobby that does not include him, do an evening class, it could be anything from painting to English Literature, whatever takes your fancy. Learn a new language even! Try to mix with your work colleagues and perhaps arrange a girls night out once a month.

Also, be careful. Once a man has been violent, it does not take him much to become violent again. He says he is sorry and you believe him, well you know him better than I do, but you must draw a line, make it clear to him that if anything of the sort should happen again you will be seeking an injunction against him. There can be no third chance, he is very lucky to have a second chance.

This has been a crucial time for you and your relationship and maybe lessons have to be learnt. You must ask yourself why he felt the need to get away in the first place, because if you don't sort that issue out, it may rear up its ugly head again.

Good luck and please do post again any time you need us, you are always welcome here. Take care of yourself.

Just want to add my good wishes too. I'd agree that taking up an evening class or similar is a good idea because it helps your self-esteem. I hope that your husband realises what a lucky man he is. We're here if you need us.

LWK I am happy for you that your husband seems to have decided what he wants and is treating you well again. However I do agree with everything Rhubarb has said. with very best wishes, Mopsy x

nice one good luck!

Hi Guys, especially Rubharb. I am back again. I'm working full time and I do have my own friends. I sometimes go out with my friens without my husband. As I am a web designer, I sometimes go out with them to get some inspiration, or do some researches or just for fun. However, none of them (even to my very closed friend) knew what had happened to me in the last 2 weeks because I didn't tell them. Although I was sometimes clubbing with them, I often tried to limit myself as I am married woman. I enjoy my self with my friends but at the same time I try to be good wife to my husband.

My husband is the one who likes taking me with him. If I didn't want to go with him, he wouldn't go. That's why his behaviour two weeks ago was really shocked me. I did make it clear to my husband when he asked my apology. I told him although I loved him very much with all my heart and life, I wouldn't let him do this again next time. I would throw him out of my life if he did this again. He apologised and said how stupid he was behaving. He emphasised that there was no other woman but me in his life. Fine, I said to him.

Keep posting to me, guys.

Well done LWK, you sound like a really strong woman and I'm glad you have separate friends, that really does help. Perhaps your husband just found it all too much? You really need to find out what triggered off this behaviour to stop it happening again, is he under stress at work? Ill perhaps? Does he have children? Do try to get to the bottom of it if you can, there is always a reason.

Good luck for the future, your husband is a very lucky man indeed! And do keep posting, you are most welcome!

Hi Rubharb, it's me again. I think he might be under stress at work as he worked as a psychiatric nurse dealing with people with mental problem.

My husband doesn't have any children at all. Not with me or with his previous relationships. He never married before he met me. I the only wife he ever has.

We have been trying to have a baby since we got married but God hasn't given us any children. My husband and I would like to have a child but until now we still haven't got one. We are not on any kinds of contraceptives.

We both ok and healthy. Most of my relatives are very late to have babies. Some of them had children after married for 14 years and some of them nearly 20 years eventually they had children. These happen on both my mum's and dad's sides. My mum stopped having baby after giving to my brother (she was 23 years old at that time). Until she was nearly 40, my dad and mum stopping hoping to have more children although they never took an kinds of contraceptives. My mum's sister eventually had a child after she married for 18 years. My cousins and aunties from my dad's side are also like that.

Keep me posting please.

It's very hard working in a psychatric unit, my dh's sister did that for a while, but then she had a nervous breakdown and was actually admitted to a psychiatric unit herself! Perhaps it would be wise to delay children anyway until your dh is able to be less stressed. Children can be a blessing to many relationships, but if you look in the thread 'Bored with each other' you will find that children will actually break up some relationships. If the relationship is not a strong one, children will simply expose the cracks and widen the rifts between you.

I don't know how you can increase your chances of getting pregnant, perhaps there is a thread on Mumsnet about that, you will have to look. The best advice anyone can give is to relax, have fun with your dh, enjoy being a couple whilst you can. Stress will not help you to conceive, whether it be you or your dh, you both need to be relaxed and healthy.

Have you had a chance to have a heart-to-heart with him yet? Perhaps there are things he could do to take away some of the stress he is under, could he reduce his hours at work? Apply for a different job?

Good luck and have a peek at the other threads here, there are loads of useful information about conceiving and dealing with stress.

Hi Rubharb, thanks for reply. We have managed to talk. There were two things that changed my husband's behaviour towards me three weeks ago.

First was about his worring being 50 years old and second about job. He said to me that I was much younger than him. He was afraid that I was going to leave him because I might find him not attractive anymore, and we haven't got any children. He said I deserved to have a child but we still haven't got one although both of us are ok. He thought because of those I might get bored with him and find another man. He said before I made a move to leave him, he created a problem for us. He said he didn't mean to at all because he will always love me. His loves towards me never changed since he the moment he met me for the first time. He told me the woman he contacted in Italy was specialist who might be able to help us have a child.

About job he is doing now is also bugging him because it is so stressful. He tried to stay and managed to do it in the same hospital for more than 5 years and he said he had enough.

I told him no matter what I will never ever leave him. Nobody forced me to marry him. We got married because we love and need each other and want to spend our lives together forever. I reliased from the begining about our age gap because he told me about his age. I also told him that I don't care whether we had a child or not as long as we are always together. I told him he is the most important one in my life, nothing more. If we had a child I would accept that child with my open arm, but if we would never had a child, no problem.

I asked him why he kept secret about that woman. He said although our doctor told that we both fine (just the matter of time to conceive), he thought there was a problem with his health considering he was already 50 years. He said he wanted to make me happy and he could see if we had a child I would be very happy. That's why he seeked help form that specialist. I told him never ever keeping secret from me again, whatever reasons. He apologised about mistakes he made 4 weeks ago.

About his job, I suggested him to take a long holiday. Change job if you still had enough with your current job after you think you are ready to go back to work, I suggested him. He said to me we couldn't afford if he had to take a long holiday. I said to him before only him working and we managed because we never in debt. And now my turn to support both of us. If you still want to go to work, reduce amount of your works, I suggested. He seemed agree with me because he said he might reduced his time instead of taking a long holiday. I suggested him to take a few months off and reduce his time when he goes back to work. He agreed with me.

That's the results of our talking, Rubharb. So hopefully we go back to normal life again. His behaviour towars me now is the same as before the last few weeks happened. He is back how he was who was caring for me.

Keep me posting please.

LWK, you know, instead of hijacking this thread maybe you should email me! My email is [email protected].