Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..
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Relationships
Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!
dipndunk · 20/12/2012 09:12
Thank you for getting back to us dipndunk, I feel better now 
. Sounds like you are doing the sensible thing spending time with people you feel safe & comfortable with.
Have you not told anyone because you feel that somehow they will judge you? Because they are exceptionally unlikely to do so, though they are pretty likely to judge your ex. If you do tell someone close like your father or friend, it will make things more real IYSWIM, something that can't be forgotten about or hidden any longer.
You're worried you'll be judged by telling people in rl? 
What's more important? The safety of your ds and yourself, or your pride?
This man hasn't begun finished with you yet, honey. The weekend is almost upon us and he'll take advantage of it to make contact and/or visit you in person.
As I see it, there is no reason for the police to get back to you. You didn't want to press charges and I suspect you asked them to go easy on him because you/he 'were drunk' and he didn't mean it and it's New Year blah de fucking blah.
From what you've said, you were away from home most of yesterday and for all you know, he spent some time lurking around your house.
I don't want to be responsible for gving you nightmares but if you're already waking up in the night, your subconscious mind is trying to tell you something - and you'll ignore it at your peril.
Please, get back to the police and tell them he was outside your home 2 nights ago and BE SURE to tell them as much as you know about his history of dv.
Think on the amount of force he used on you, and think on that you've only got his word that his exdw didn't suffer serious injury at his hands.
You're in denial and, given what this man has told you - and shown you - about himself, that's a very dangerous place to be.
What you are experiencing is an entirely normal reaction to shock, honey.
Part of you can't believe what happened, but part of you knows only too well that it did happen, and that it - or worse - might happen again if you allow him to creep back into your life.
There's little to be gained by trying to fathom why he did what he did. Ultimately, he did it because he could and because he's got a history of doing it and getting away with it.
If you're feeling no better in the next couple of days, make an appointment with your GP with a view to getting some medication that will alleviate panic attacks with possibly a short course of antidepressants and a little something to help you sleep.
Once again, I would urge you to get back in contact with the police to report the sighting you had of him outside your home the day after he attacked you, and tell them what you know of his history.
This will serve several purposes: it will go some way to enable you to put the matter 'to bed', as it were; it may provide a solution to the question of returning the item he's left in your home; and, most importantly, the police will have an account of his behaviour on that night which won't fall into the general category of 'couple had too much too drink, argument ensued'.
Should he put in another appearance or make contact with you, the latter will be of immense value as it's so easy to omit/forget or give a less than an accurate account when one's fears/emotions are under stress.
For my own peace of mind, can I ask you to please check into your thread on a daily basis for the next week or so? Otherwise I fear that I'll lose sleep wondering how you are faring 
All of this notwithstanding, I sincerely hope you and your ds have a good weekend.
Morning dipndunk. I hope you're beginning to feel a bit better.
I started a thread on here in the summer about whether I should call the police after my now ex beat me up. He nature of his visa meant he would almost certainly have been deported, and because I loved him I wasn't sure if 'ruining his life' was the 'right' thing to do. I wasn't sure because I was hurt, in love, upset and confused, oh so confused about how/why this happened. Even though, actually, I knew exactly why it had happened. I joined MN earlier in the year when he and I got together because, even though nothing totally awful had happened I knew it would and knew this was the place to get help when it inevitably did How's that for fucked up? The subconscious is a wonderful and spooky thing.
I did call the police (101) and unfortunately they were next to useless. I gave them his address, his work address and pictures of him. I sat through the DV questionnaire, assuring the copper that he'd never abused my pets or children because I didn't have any etc and so on. They failed to arrest him twice. He has since told me (yes) that they asked HIM if he'd SEEN HIMSELF at his address. He escaped justice and.... I took him back. He didn't hit me again but continued to control me and financially abuse me. I allowed this to happen but with growing awareness that it had to stop, and over Xmas/NYE it did, as a trail of Last Straws built up into a not-to-be-ignored monolith and the relentlessness of it finally made me go off him. Yeah, it took all that for me to fall out of love with him and be able to put him out without collapsing in a heap, wanting him back. It's been 3 whole days now and I've ignored his pleading and was able to as I'm safe in my house.
I told my best friend who I see all the time in an email, and as he's sensitive I started it "Don't freak out but..." Then I told my boss (he's a v good friend) and didn't warn him at all, just told him, all brave-face over the phone. He didn't freak out but was upset and confused and speechless. I did not tell a lot of other people I should have told (women friends, my family) because I knew deep down I was going to end up taking the bastard back and I didn't want the 'I told you so's' (they wouldn't have done exactly that but they would have been v upset, as would I in their shoes). I should have told them and never seen him again but I was lost in it all.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say 
I think I'm just typing this to get it out but a lot of things about your situation struck me and I wanted to post. Mainly MNetters saying "how would you feel if he did this to someone else?" and that's what made me call the police. I am a good person, and I know right from wrong, and I'm a feminist (not that that matters) and wrapped up in all that I wanted him deported so I wouldn't be tempted to take him back 
That's not similar to your situation (I assume) but for god's sake; be the better human in getting him STOPPED, not the bigger person by feeling sorry for him.
Hugs to you, girl.
P.S. I got more on this if anyone wants it! Argh, I could type for hours
I don't think it's quite over yet. I'm sorry to make such a pronouncement over your business but, as in my experience, that awful ending means nothing is resolved properly and there's still some wiggle room for him or you to try and get back in - whether it's an apology for the 'way things turned out' from EITHER OF YOU. I did that, I've just remembered I apologised for the way it turned out via his brother. I felt it was the right thing to do, and a full stop, but I was utterly kidding myself and that was the 'in' that we both wanted. He contacted me to ask why the fuck I'd contacted his brother and I was ecstatic as we could now talk sensibly about what happened. I was a fool.
Please don't do this. Or at least be aware that you might. I know you've decided it's over - don't try to be civilised about it. I'm sincerely sorry to be telling you stuff that you don't think is true but it's all so familiar.
to tzella - you've earned them over the last few days!
For both of you if you start to weaken think of how awful you are feeling now & have done over the last few days, in total dispair & heartbroken. Remember the last few months & how many times that man hurt you emotionally. Then be brutally honest with yourselves and ask if a few weeks of having him back will be worth going through the same again, and again, and again. Because you know it will end up the same way, either that or in hospital (or worse).
So - a little while longer of the current hurt then it starts to fade vs months or years of pain & abuse with just a few good times in between (getting fewer and fewer as time goes on & his control strengthens even more). Look on it as an operation to cut out a cancer - it's going to really hurt for a while after the operation, but at least you aren't going to die slowly & painfully!
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One and a half weeks sweetie, that's all it's been since you finished with the arse. You are in mourning for the dream you had, and you are being too harsh with yourself thinking you should be anywhere near back to normal. FFS I dumped my ex because I had got to the stage where I despised rather than loved him, and couldn't bear for him to touch me, yet I was still moping nearly a month later. A wise friend told me I was mourning the dream and what might have been IF he'd been the person I had thought he was, rather than missing the real him.
So you have had your dreams destroyed, you have (unwarranted but natural) feelings of failure because you picked a wrong-un again, this is the worst time of year for any upsets as everyone tends to feel down when the weather is bad.
I won't promise you'll feel much better any day soon, but I will tell you that one day you'll wake up when the sun is shining and realise that the pain isn't as sharp. In the meanwhile you just have to look after yourself - sleep lots if you want to, comfort eat if that helps, you can always go on a diet & exrecise regime once you feel better. Start planning for your next steps, whether a new home, new job, new hobby/sport. And don't be in a rush to find someone new - they will find you when the time is right, and if you don't meet anyone for a while well no problem, single life has many benefits (and there's always duracel power if things get frustrating 
).
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