Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

[dipndunk]

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such damaged and inadequate men like this controlling man use such threats to make their victim, in this case you, feel bad. It is designed specifically to hurt you, he is extremely unlikely to actually carry out what he states.

I presume as well he was charm personified when you met him (how did you meet him btw?). There were and are red flags re this person.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Threatening to crash his car is straight out of Psychological Bullying for Dummies. Have you ever checked out the typical ways someone can subject you to 'Emotional Abuse' Glad you're not taking any notice of him and glad you've told him it's over. Now you've got rid you should get on and do something else, ignore all contact and definitely don't agree to meet up.

[dipndunk]

ATM
I have been here before with him. Stupidly I went back, not sure why? So I do have to take responsibility there. Working out why i did is a different matter.
Dont want to involve the police. I just want to recover and have no drama.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

Do you think you might benefit from looking into the Womens Aid 'Freedom' Programme or some other kind of counselling for how to turn this time into a positive outcome?

[dipndunk]

he is very controlling, but he has just said via text i am controlling? I hope not.
Yes he throws all of the emotional stuff at me. I just need to stay strong and focus on something else. I feel like it is taking over...
there are loads of red flags, always have been.. self esteem low following divorce perhaps a reason i have overlooked. Yes he is a charmer, good looking etc

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You may well have to involve the police if he will not accept that this relationship is over. He may well continue to contact you and try and cause you further emotional distress.

No shame in involving the police at all if you have to.

You probably went back because he is plausible on the surface (many abusive men are) and felt sorry for him. Such men can also be charming and charismatic. However, after a while cracks do show as they cannot keep up the act for ever (but long enough to draw their intended victim in).

I would also suggest you put yourself onto the Womens Aid Freedom Programme as such men can and do take a long time to recover from. This can be part of your overall healing process. Your self esteem and worth also has likely taken a battering at the hands of such an individual.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Projection (I note that he has stated that you are controlling) is commonly seen in such abusive men. Its one of the many tactics they employ and they are plausible. Many intelligent women have been fooled by such men, they are good actors.

Do not hesitate to take this matter to the police if you have to. It may well have to involve them ultimately in order for him to be fully gone from your life.

[aufaniae]

Please don't feel bad about involving the police. If he turns up at yours and refuses to go away for example, or starts making a scene on your doorstep.

I was really reluctant to call the police on my ex. Eventually a friend did and it really helped the situation, I don't know why I didn't now.

I now wouldn't hesitate to call them if I found myself in the same situation again.

Can you ask a friend to come and sit with you tonight in case he does come round? Opening up to people in RL about what's going on is a source of strength IME.

[dipndunk]

i feel ashamed. Dont want to admit to anyone, as i went back, so i have to take responsibility for that. Why do i feel so trapped in my life? Really i could go and do whatever i like right this minute, but for some reason i feel literally glued to the house, perhaps that doesnt help with getting a sense of perspective

[financialwizard]

Please please please call the police if he continued harassing you or makes any more threats to kill himself.

He sounds very similar to my exh and believe me I wish I had called the Police on him before I ended up having to.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are by far from the only one who has been taken in by such a man, they are consummate con artists.

You went back because you are a good person, he took advantage of that good nature of yours big time. Many good natured and intelligent women have fallen for such ultimately dangerous abusive men to their great cost. (Look at that recent case where the female victim was conned out of several hundred thousand pounds by a man who pretended to be some big financial hotshot. He's now in prison).

Please do not feel ashamed, its really not your fault. What you need to do is protect yourself and the police can be very helpful. They take such cases very seriously these days.

[aufaniae]

You don't have to take responsibility for anything. It is this sense of responsibility and wish to do the right thing which makes you vulnerable to someone like him. He will use your good points, and your caring nature to manipulate you into taking his needs into consideration, when he does not deserve it.

None of this is your fault. Going back to him was not a good idea, granted, but it does not follow from that that his subsequent behaviour is in any way your responsibility. He is making this awful situation, not you.

I was very reluctant to tell friends, I was ashamed too. But when I did it was like I broke the spell. It made things easier. I now realise not telling people was protecting him, but not helping me at all.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

"Why do i feel so trapped in my life? "

I agree with the PP that part of why you feel trapped is because you've kept this secret. It's not just the abuse but the pretence and stress of covering it up single-handed that weighs you down in the end. Like aufanie I also felt a wave of relief when I could finally admit what had been going on and stop protecting him. Do you have someone IRL who you could share this with and get their support?

[dipndunk]

thank you everyone for your brilliant advice.
As I expected he turned up last night - i knew he would. I actually took my son out after school for some headspace. he was waiting when we got back. Him doing this never gives me a chance to get "fully strong" .. I didnt end it last night although i did say a few things to hint Im not happy. He has the exam this morning, I really do hope he passed, he will find out straight away.
Yes it is the "secret" and pretence that is weighing me down and i dont know why i am doing it, I really dont. Guilt i think?
I am supposed to be going out with him tonight, last night I even said I was, but i think i am going to have to say this afternoon. I cant go through Christmas not being true to myself..
Just dont know why i am finding it so difficult.. well perhaps i do, like i said he isnt giving me space to get strong again, so I am like a child and give in :-(

[dipndunk]

he harassment was mentioned by his ex wife in a solicitors letter :-(
thanks leverette, believe me i have done this already and am then manipulated because of my own stupid guilt
he actually said to me yesterday he feels like he is going to get a call from the police as he feels he is harassing me! why would he say ? do u think this has happened before?

[dequoisagitil]

Yes, please do be prepared to call in the police. You don't have to put up with any kind of harassment. And someone who won't leave you alone is guilty of harassment. He doesn't get to make your life uncomfortable. You don't owe him a relationship.

Tell him it's over - if you can't do it effectively by talking directly to him cos he talks you round or ignores what you say, end it by text or email.

Remember it's not up for discussion - you're allowed to end a relationship that isn't working for you. You get to decide who you have in your life.

[catsrus]

Yes I would say that it has happened before and he knows the drill. Please consider logging this with the police now - you have to put yourself and your son first.

[raskolnikov]

Stay strong Dip - you can do this and with each day that goes by, you'll get stronger against him and his controlling behaviour. Remind yourself of how low he makes you feel.

Do what Leverette says and don't let him talk you round this time - make this a happy xmas for yourself, free of him. Try and confide in someone in RL - they won't think the worse of you for going back to him, more likely they'll understand because you're a kind person.

[dequoisagitil]

Sounds like he has form for this sort of behaviour. Don't disappoint him, please do report him if he doesn't take "it's over" as an answer.

[dipndunk]

Thanks
"The guilt is a result of his manipulation - he has already been quite successful in controlling you in order to get his unhealthy and unreasonable needs met by playing on your capacity for kindness."
you've hit the nail on the head. His exam will be over now. I have heard nothing and again, I am expecting him to turn up. Of course i want him to pass, I think he will.

So Im guessing he will be coming with good news and i want to end it.. how on earth do i do that? big sigh. Think Im going to be having the conversation in the next couple of hours..

The thing is i have ended it before, i feel relief, the pressure is off and we seem to get on better. Then expectations change and before i know it, i am "in it" again.. thus the feeling trapped scenario...

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

" how on earth do i do that?"

Give me his mobile number and I'll happily end it for you. :) Seriously.... don't let him in your home for a 'conversation'. End it over the phone in words of one syllable and leave no scope for ambiguity. He sounds like someone who doesn't take no for an answer so you're going to have to put all your natural consideration to one side and be prepared to be very blunt or even unreasonable.

Once you've done that, drop all contact even if it means changing your phone, your locks or any habitual routines where he can intercept you. And do consider the police if he has a track record of harassment.

[Anniegetyourgun]

A stern word here: if he tells you he hasn't passed it, you aren't obliged to keep dating him in sympathy. It was the decent thing not to spoil his chances in the exam by dumping him just before it, but he's taken the bloody thing now, so whatever the result you can leave with a clear conscience.

Really, you give his feelings a lot more respect than he gives yours (which isn't hard).