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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

200 replies

dipndunk · 20/12/2012 09:12

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

OP posts:
Original poster
dipndunk · 27/12/2012 23:27

Just wanted to say a special thank you to "AnyFuckerForAMincePie" with this comment...
hmm, you are absolutely ripe for the emotional blackmail that is to come

I heard nothing from him yesterday, this evening he turned up, waiting for me to return home. He was crying, is an emotional wreck.. got me in tears with the nice things he was saying.. then.. it all changed... he started getting agressive in his nature, saying awful things etc.. huh?? seriously couldnt keep up and doesnt make sense, how can it go from one thing to the next in the space of a couple of hours? is he in SUCH a state? yet calm with it?? Hmm.. weird.. however i kept strong and all that kept going through my mind is what anyfucker said.. you are all making me realise this is a tactic, he KNOWS what he is doing, yet i was taken in by it.. not anymore... also came the threats he has been thinking of suicide, heard it before, yet the next day he is out working his charm applying for jobs???? WTF.. never seen anything like it before...

OP posts:
freeandhappy · 27/12/2012 23:52

Well done. Keep getting space for your own thoughts and feelings to make themselves heard above his persistent voice. If someone threatens suicide you should inform the police. He is going to keep up a long campaign is my guess and it may involve ignoring then begging then stalking. It's all controlling. Give him no information about you or how you are feeling. Try to detach. You are entitled to your life an he is not entitled to help himself to your life.

WinterWinds · 28/12/2012 10:00

Have been following this thread but haven't posted till now.

Well done Dip You have taken the first step into getting the control back in your life. The hard part is staying strong and sticking to your guns.
I'm pretty sure you haven't heard the last of him.

You have told him how you felt and why you needed to end it, therefore no further emotion needs to be given. You no longer need to justify why you have ended things with him so if he does keep coming back to you, be blunt and just keep repeating that "it's over"... "you dont want to be with him anymore".

If you show any kind of emotion he will use that against you.
He will try any which way he sees fit to get what he wants. He tried being nice that didn't work, so then he tried aggression, that didn't work, then turns to guilt that didn't work, so off he goes on his merry way and carries on his life (looking for a job) until the next time.

This is all about control for him, he needs to realise that you are now the one in control and you will not give in no matter what emtional shit he throws at you.

Keep strong for your sake and that of your child, you both deserve so much better!!!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2012 12:13

this is the real man you are seeing now

he does the "nice guy" act until he realises it is no longer working

he cannot keep it up for long (even Master Manipulators cannot keep up the pretence indefinitely)

when you start to see through the act, he will switch it around ...nice/nasty (google the nice/nasty cycle) behaviour designed to wrongfoot you (read Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He do That", you will find this man in that book)

you don't need this chaos in your life

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2012 12:15

the solution ?

cut all contact

and mean it...no chats, no calls, no texts, no emails, no letters nothing

if he turns up tell him to leave and if he kicks off call the police, threats of suicide, the same

Original poster
dipndunk · 29/12/2012 12:11

just wanted to update, i am going through the same as last time, and you are all right, however this time i am listening. I swear. I am not going back, I am keeping strong. He came last night, i turned him away, he came this morning trying to persuade me to go away with him, Im not. In fact, I am going away myself for the night ON MY OWN to gather my strength and keep it going. He has cried etc and to be honest i am past feeling sorry and the guilt, i am just fed up with it. Simple. It isnt attractive, it gets on my nerves (sorry if that sounds harsh) but I am fed up of this drag in my life, who wants to be with me 24/7 and behaves like a child.
Winterwinds, thanks, I am seeing the cycle and i am getting stronger being straight with him. He hates it and cannot cope with it, he says it is because he cannot face it. HE DOESNT LISTEN, ever. I am not heard, it is like i am his possession or something. He even told me he feels like he is hounding me. ARghh anger.. anyhow, i am having some "me time" to go and recuperate somewhere, where he doesnt know i am.. I know it is the right thing, I dont want to get myself down though

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 29/12/2012 13:13

It doesn't sound harsh. If anything, you can afford to be harsher :) Now you've realised what the game is and where the pathetic crocodile tears fit into the picture, I'm not surprised you despise him. If he persists, tell him straight that you're wise to his tricks, the crap isn't washing any more & that he's to piss off. If he threatens suicide, offer to supply painkillers. If he really persists, get the police onto him... there are laws about stalkers and other men that won't take no for an answer.

Hope you have a lovely time away. The longer you can drop contact, the clearer you will be able to think and the less influence he will have over you. Good luck

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 29/12/2012 13:58

Op,, you are impressive, seriously. Keep going. It's great to see that lightbulb moment come to something healthy x

Original poster
dipndunk · 01/01/2013 03:35

ok. update. I have been attacked tonight by him, so upset and.. bravely i called the police, although i am petrified now of what will happen. he even shouted to me "its not over". what on earth do i do?

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 01/01/2013 03:45

OP you have already done exactly the right thing, and right now you do not need to do anything more.

Are the police on their way?

Are you safe?

It IS over - and you will be FINE because you have the guts and wherewithal to have called the police now that he has escalated to this.

They will help and advise you. Don't let it drop, the best thing you can do to slap this idiot down once and for all is to press charges, and also tell people what has happened - both so that you can get support and that his actions are held up to the spotlight.

It WILL be over, oh yes it will. Because the stupid little prick is about to get the shock he deserves.

Probably not many more folk around right now OP, but more support will be along in the morning. Until then, don't worry, you will be ok and have done exactly the right thing. Hugs!

Original poster
dipndunk · 01/01/2013 03:49

the police and him have gone. i feel absolutely terrible, but he grabbed me and hurt me and i was frightened it would escalate. i am safe. i am so upset to have done it.he shouted threats while the police were here, i am so upset. what happens if he comes back?
thanks, i am in tears, absolutely awful, but he hurt me, grabbed me around my neck, just dont know what he was capable of

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 01/01/2013 03:53

Did they say what would happen next? Have they taken him in?

Is there anyone you can call to be with you?

What an idiot to shout threats when the police were there. I hope he's spending the night in the cells.

In the morning, take photos of any marks/bruising.

Feckthehalls · 01/01/2013 03:53

Has he been charged with assault ?

Feckthehalls · 01/01/2013 03:53

You must never ever allow this man near you or your child ever again. Are you ok ?

Original poster
dipndunk · 01/01/2013 03:55

no, they have taken him home, i didnt want to press charges (if thats what it is called) i just wanted him to be removed. he threatened to call my employers. so frightened of him. i just want it to go away :-(

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 01/01/2013 03:56

Reading your post again it sounds like he hasn't been arrested.

If he were to come back, you'd call them again. Then he really would be in the shit. I take it he can't access your house?

Sounds like a restraining order will be the way to go, but hopefully you could press charges for assault. Remember - people like this are COWARDS. Your responding like this could well mean hat that's the last you see of him.

Original poster
dipndunk · 01/01/2013 03:56

thanks for the support, im a mess :-( what a way to start the new year

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 01/01/2013 03:57

So what if he calls your employers??!!

Please- call the police in the morning and PRESS CHARGES.

If you want to get rid of this wankstain, that's the way to do it.

Original poster
dipndunk · 01/01/2013 03:58

i have put up with it for a long time he has stalked me and even admitted it :-( he cannot access my house, no. I dont want any harm to come to him, i just want him away from me,. he threats etc.. i was really frightened. so aggressive

OP posts:
PessimisticMissPiggy · 01/01/2013 03:59

Op sorry to hear that this knob has stepped into this area. Hopefully a good talking to by the police will sort the situation out and warn him off.

Do you have a friend you can call and go to stay with this evening? Is your DS with you?

Stay safe and strong. You can do this.

Thumbwitch · 01/01/2013 04:00

If he comes back, call the Police again. Do not let him in. Avoid talking to him if you can apart from to say "Please leave, I have called the police".

And can I also suggest that you avoid any contact with him whatsoever after this - delete/block his number from your phone, make no attempt to email or otherwise speak to him - try and eliminate him completely from your life, or he will find a way to weasel back in.

I hope you're ok - what an awful start to the New Year for you Sad

Original poster
dipndunk · 01/01/2013 04:00

stupidly, i just cant do that to him. his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault, even so, i dont deserve to be attacked to standing up to him

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 01/01/2013 04:02

Bullies are cowards.

Have a think about all this, OP. The best way to put an end to this is to hit back at him. If he thinks you won't press charges/have him arrested, then yes he will continue to harass you. But it's easy to do, you will be supported, and it will likely put an end to his nonsense. Oh, and make sure that he'd be the one looking like a twat to any employer, be they yours or his!

mantlepiece · 01/01/2013 04:02

so sorry he has subjected you to this. Did the police arrest him and is he in a cell tonight?

Tomorrow morning you should get a visit from the police to discuss your future safety, they can provide panic buttons, and also will log your number so if you call them they will be there very quickly.

You have absolutely done the right thing, no need to worry on that score, keep posting here for support.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 01/01/2013 04:02

Sounds like he's even more of a knob. Ring a solicitor tomorrow and get a restraining order. Fucker! How dare he!