Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

[dipndunk]

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

[dipndunk]

my ds is with his dad. safe. i cannot afford a man like this in our lives. i am so upset it came to this. i heard him work his charm with the male officer while i was upstairs. thankfully i had support with me and the lady shook her head.. she knew.

[TalkativeJim]

So he treated his ex the same?

Wake up, OP. He's not a 'broken man'. He's a nasty calculating abuser.

[Thumbwitch]

"stupidly, i just cant do that to him. his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault, "

Yes, it is his fault. Otherwise you are falling into the trap of victim blaming. His exW divorced him with reasons including DV - do you think that was her fault? if not, then it can only be HIS fault. Accept that. He is not a broken man, he is a violent abuser, and you have only just seen the start of it now. Be grateful he's taken this long to get to this point and now get out and away before he escalates.

[dipndunk]

yes talkativejim, he grabbed her by the throat. he was very sorry and cut up about it, i gave him the benefit of the doubt, and ultimately he has done the same to me

[dipndunk]

im vulnerable and scared, my strength will come back. it is plain wrong though, i was frightened in my own home, he took my keys and phone from me but the police got them back :-( i just wonder, why me. Im strong I'll get past it, im just so upset

[TalkativeJim]

Look, you have a child to consider.

Not this man who is so 'broken' that when cornered by the police he starts 'working his charm' - oh yes, he's just in pieces, isn't he?

Talk to the police tomorrow.

Photograph any marks.

Speak to a solicitor.

PRESS CHARGES.

Because you are right, you cannot afford to have this in your life. And not taking this further is simply iniviting it further in.

You can get rid of this man.

[dipndunk]

makes me so confused, i was very scared the fact he seemed to be joking with the police officer while i was scared.. makes me feel he knows what he has been doing

[dipndunk]

how do i get over this?

[Astelia]

You will get over this. You are strong and have listened to and acted on all the brilliant advice here.

My thoughts are- write down everything that has happened, with dates, since you broke up. Continue to make a record of new events. Screen shot messages. Press charges against this violent unpredictable man; he has attacked two women and must be stopped. Make a solicitors appointment as soon as they are open and talk to a solicitor. They will have seen it all before and will have some good advice on how to proceed.

[dipndunk]

ive woken up thinking it was a dream :-(
i will start to write things down from now but somehow i dont think i'll ever hear from him again. i'm not taking it further, i dont want the stress but i guess it will still be recorded against him

[juneau]

his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault

I'm sorry, but this doesn't make sense. You don't think it's his fault? When he's attacked at least TWO women that you know of? Please, stop trying to be kind to him and rescue him. He's counting on the fact that you're too weak to do him any real harm and he's threatened you that 'it's not over'. If you honestly think he's going to leave you alone to get on with your life, you're wrong. Please press charges. Show him you mean business and you're not going to be messed with. And don't count on the fact that he can't get into your house. How do you know he didn't get a key copied at some point? He sounds very dangerous to me, not a 'broken man' at all. He's an abuser and a manipulator and you're playing into his hands by trying to creep away quietly - he has no intention of letting you do that - as he's made clear.

[juneau]

Two other things that I don't think have been mentioned:

1. Contact Women's Aid
   
2. The Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
   
   You sound very isolated and vulnerable and like you need some support.

[dipndunk]

i'll get my strength back when i can think more clearly. i did the right thing didnt i? i dont think he would have left and i didnt want it to escalate. he pushed me on the stairs, grabbed hold of me and was shouting. i really hope you are wrong juneau. he threatened to smash my windows and slash my tyres :-(

[dipndunk]

i did contact women aid last night, just for someone to talk to, but it was busy and i didnt leave a message. Im not isolated, or i dont need to be, however i certainly feel it. i have people i can tell but im worried about their reaction. i feel i want it to sink in myself first. hardly had sleep so not thinking clearly

[juneau]

i really hope you are wrong juneau.

Do you want to take the chance that I'm not? With a small child in the house? You absolutely did the right thing last night in calling the police last night. No question about it. But this is not going to go away, as you're hoping. He's threatening you and you're not taking those threats seriously. Why? Because he's a broken man? He's not. He's manipulating you into not pressing charges by all this crying and wailing and 'broken man' act - but notice how he switches very quickly from crying and pleading to threats and violence? That's how abusers control the people around them. And he's still controlling you. Remember, he's done this before. His ex-wife divorced him for abusing her and he admits stalking you FGS. Wake up! Last night was NOT dream.

[juneau]

And please tell your family, friends, etc what's been going on. It's a classic abuser's tactic to isolate and shame the person they're abusing. You need strength and your friends and family will give you that. Pick up the phone today and tell them. All of them. Tell them about last night and the police. Tell them about the threats to break your windows and slash your tires. They will be horrified, I promise you. And they will be on your side and give you strength. And please, call Women's Aid back. This is how you can take back control of your life.

[dipndunk]

my child isnt here and has not witnessed anything between us at all. He made threats while the police were here, so they have heard it, it is like nothing scares him and he is above it all. maybe he will wake up this morning and realise what he has done and be sorry rather than let the anger take over.. he had a lot to drink last night

[juneau]

maybe he will wake up this morning and realise what he has done

I wouldn't count on it.

You're always hoping for the best, but his history gives you no reason to be optimistic.

[Isabeller]

Upthread Anyfucker advised 'cut all contact'. Please do that however difficult, it was the only way I could even begin to make rational decisions when in a similar situation several years ago.

If it helps think of it like staying sober for an alcoholic, you might think one drink won't hurt but soon you are back where you started or somewhere worse.

Good luck.

[dipndunk]

yes Isabeller, i have tried cutting contact, ignoring texts etc but he comes to my house. I asked him to respect my space and he said he is struggling to let go, but he is coming to me to help and Im not the person to help. It escalated last night because i got harsh, previously i haven't and i have listened to him,then i have found i get dragged back into it and because he doesnt give me space, it gives me no time to get strong again. anyone understand?
I want to cut contact, i know i can do it.I hope he leaves me alone.

[dipndunk]

ok, although im hungover, i am thinking a little more clearly and I feel stronger than in the night. Im re-reading my post. thank you all. I'll get over it. Why do people stalk? it is awful. I have found myself jumping in my own house, just at small noises etc, looking out the window to see if he is there. Again, i know i need another focus on something else to not let this horrible feeling take over me.

[Thumbwitch]

I think you need to redirect your feelings into getting angry, tbh. How DARE this man treat you in this way, treat you with such lack of respect for your feelings and your wants? How DARE he lay hands on you, presume to think that he can do that and get away with it? (Which he will, btw, if you don't press charges).
How DARE he think he is so important that he can stalk you/his exW (I got a bit confused there) with impunity?
And how DARE he get you to a state where you're jumping at shadows in your own house!

Anger is powerful. Find it and use it.

[WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome]

Please press charges. He doesn't deserve your pity and he certainly doesn't deserve your protection. It is you and your child that need protecting, and you have to do everything you can to keep yourselves safe, including pressing charges.

He has already shown that he thinks he's "above it all" - do you think a man like this will voluntarily stop being an abusive bully for (as he sees it) no reason?

It's a terrible position to be in, and you've handled it amazingly; I'm in awe of you dipndunk. Please pursue this with the police so you have RL support in protecting your family.

[dipndunk]

thanks thumbwitch.. it will come. to be honest im a bit shocked and kind of numb, dont know how i feel. cannot believe the force he used on me :-( he was drunk,but still. he kept repeating,"do you know who i am?" "this is not the end" etc etc all threats.

[MrsTomHardy]

You need to get angry, he is a total knob.

He is not a broken man, he's an abuser who knows exactly what he's doing!!

Keep safe, and log everything