Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

[dipndunk]

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

[aufaniae]

dipndunk I hope you're managing to speak to him now, and have done the deed and are a free woman!

However if it doesn't work out face to face, please don't blame yourself. If he's anything like my ex I know he's going to make it as hard as possible.

If you do end this evening still with him, I suggest you need to rethink the dumping him face-to-face as it's just not working, and go for dumping by text.

Although hopefully that's academic as he's now the ex!

[financialwizard]

Hope you got on ok OP and that you are now a free agent. If not, get on the mobile to him and tell him that way.

[dipndunk]

thought I'd give an update, sorry i havent had a chance to get back. Feeling absolutely rubbish. I think due to emotion and it being Christmas day, I couldnt go on any longer with his constant pressure so it ended up me snapping tonight and its over. Feeling quite numb, wish i had done it sooner etc.. even bought him a bday and christmas present. Know it is the right thing.. arghh :-(

[ImperialBlether]

That's good news, dipndunk. How did he take it? Is there a chance he'll think you were just in a bad mood and didn't mean it?

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

Sorry you are feeling rubbish. As you've said, you know you've done the right thing. Just stick to your guns if he tries to change your mind...

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

So, has he listened to you ?

he accepts your relationship is over...no more contact, finito ?

[Xales]

you need to stick to it now!

You told him you needed space and caved as soon as he hassled you.

Good luck.

[dipndunk]

I think he has well and truly got the message, i feel terrible. He has really got me down with his unreasonable demands, trying to take over me and organise what he wants with me, without my input.. sorry to say it, but i didnt snap as in shouting etc, i told him how i feel, he tried to kiss me and say merry christmas and leave (wtf?!!!) unfortunately, and this isnt me at all... I ended up telling him to f off no excuse for that i know. But shows the extent i have feel pushed... not sure he'll be back.. why do i feel so angry??

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

You feel angry because you haven't been listened to...'tis natural

[dipndunk]

yes, you're right.. so why am i thinking things from his point of view rather than mine? i need to detach from it.. hopefully a good nights sleep might help..

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Because he has trained you to always look at things from his POV (or someone earlier in your life and development taught you that men are to be revered and their opinion means more than yours)

You can stop doing it though

[dipndunk]

i should have stopped doing it a long time ago. He is dominant, takes things personally etc like to be in control. I am not allowed to be "me", if i am quiet he takes it personally, am i not allowed to be quiet or tired? i am not allowed to talk to other men or other men talk to me.. a shop assistant at supermarket was being very friendly talking ot my son and I about christmas etc.. i could see him fuming, stupid thing is, i wasnt me, hardly talked back as i felt "frightened" he hated it?? there was nothing in it, awful. So annoyed with myself

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

It's never too late to start being "you"

You've taken the first big step and offloaded the mill stone around your neck. It can only get better now

If you have nothing more to do with him...no contact at all

[bestsonever]

Sounds fairly tame as an ending, not convinced he will get the message, hope you will stick to your guns in the future, sounds like you have been quite meek and mild till now and if he's been that controlling I doubt you've heard the end of him. Dig in an stick to what you want out of life.

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

Yes, I don't think you've heard the last of him either

He'll be back with a different tack...or possibly a well-tried one he has been successful with before.

[CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts]

" But shows the extent i have feel pushed... not sure he'll be back.. why do i feel so angry??"

I don't think you've been taken seriously at all. He'll rationalise it that you were stressed/having a bad day/time of the month/etc and he won't think he's been dumped at all. Controlling types like to be in control of everything... including when and how the relationship ends. Glad you've started to assert yourself however. You are right to feel angry and you were right to get angry with him.

[aufaniae]

Well done for doing it!

If he's gone, great! But if he does contact you agan, please be really wary. Don't let him in your house. If he won't get the message, tell someone who cares about you. And tell us! We're here for you :)

[Squeegle]

Well done. Sounds like you have done just the right thing. Your feelings about not being "allowed" to be tired or quiet resonate with me.

You will need to carry on being strong- sounds like he is used to being able to manipulate you, and he may need telling a second time that you are no longer putting up with it.

Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for him. Think of yourself and your sanity. I promise in the end it will be liberating.

[dipndunk]

thanks for the support. I have heard nothing today from him. In fact in some ways dont know what to do with myself, keep expecting him to turn up so am on edge. Then i go to feeling guilty. yes, i need to keep strong. I suppose it is all part of the process of beginning to get over it. I wonder how he is, how he is reacting. I feel awful for telling him to f off, but there is only so much someone can take, i felt pushed and pushed, he was pushing the buttons, i think he knew he was.. was he trying to hurt me? Make me feel bad.. i dont know.. i need to get rid of the guilt feeling, but i dont want to get bitter.. emotions a bit all over the place

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

hmm, you are absolutely ripe for the emotional blackmail that is to come

[dipndunk]

thank for the reminder affamp.. this has been the problem.. do you think it will come? or do you think he will leave me be and i can get stronger?

[AnyFuckerForAMincePie]

I think you would be very naive to think this is the end of it

and you would be foolish to think anything will change....unless you have a massive seachange in your head, about what you are prepared to accept in a relationship

have you ?

[DistanceCall]

Try to feel anger. Anger is much, much better than guilt or pity. (And much better for self preservation). Remember how he would take advantage of you.

[scaevola]

You are already stronger than you think.

You are totally clear in your mind that this relationship is over, and if he does reappear then you simply need to reiterate that (and if he turns nasty, get help as other posters have pointed out).

And don't worry if you feel (briefly) sorry for him or compassionate towards him. This is normal, and simply part of the sense of loss of what might have been had he been the man you once thought he was. You know that he isn't that man, so you won't let those feelings overrule the decision you have made and are capable to sticking with.

[dipndunk]

I know it wont change, because he either isnt capable or just doesnt want to listen to me. He needs to be in control and the dominant one - the centre of attention. I am not going to have a change of heart or accept this from a relationship. I am unhappy, it is unhealthy.. I am tired of it, his negativity drags me down.. his dramas tire me out.
I do get the anger feelings DC.. i do feel used and felt i have "carried" him..
He has a very good way of making me feel guilty, my mother also has this effect and i need to not take it on board.
from experience i should think this wont be the end of it, but i am not so sure. I think he is as frustrated as me in a sense that i cannot meet his constant demands. I have a child of my own, i dont need another one (ie him)