Ending relationship before christmas - advice please!

[dipndunk]

Hi thought I'd start a new thread, rather than continue my old one
I want to end relationship with bf of 19 months, it has been on and off, ups and downs and is just not stable enough for me. I know he isnt the one, although i do care dearly for him. I miss him when we arent together, but i know i have to end it. I am unhappy, it isnt going to go anywhere, i dont imagine a future together anymore. He is the first bf since my marriage of 13 yrs ended. He is totally opposite to exH and we just arent a match, although we are very attracted to each other. The physical side is not enough for me either. Decision made. Although it still hurts.
I dont think he is going to take it lightly. He has an exam tomorrow, so I want to tell him after that. I have had to keep quiet all week. I know it is bad timing before christmas etc but i cant continue, I dont want to go through giving presents etc. I worry about him, as he wont see his ds over xmas, is going to court for access and feel he has no-one, so i am full of guilt. How do i do it?He has planned a meal for tomorrrow night. I want to be kind, but i also want him to listen, which he doesnt. He doesnt take it on board..

Another in favour of taking it further. It is very likely that this man will only leave you alone when he gets someone else to bother (with his charm it shouldn't take long once he's given up on you... however long that takes). It is only a matter of time before he grabs her by the throat too. He's already lost a family through acts of violence, yet he clearly hasn't learned anything from it. There is no reason to assume he will learn this time either. Do you think his ex wife never called the police?

OK, your child wasn't in the house this time. He didn't see anything; it was "only" his mother who was terrified and hurt. So that's all right then! Are you quite sure the ex will hold off causing trouble during the times you have your son with you? And is that really the point anyway?

You must press charges if you want to get him out of your life. All the time you are making excuses for him, asking him nicely to leave you alone and so on, he is simply growing in confidence that he's untouchable. Remember the story of Tina Nash? She kept taking her abuser back, thinking he had changed, that his violent history was behind him and he was simply a troubled soul. She lost her eyes for being so understanding.

You are not strong enough to stand up to this man alone and he knows it. With the police and the full weight of the law behind you, you might get some peace. That's why you need to take this further. Sorry you've had this experience.

"he doesnt give me space, it gives me no time to get strong again. anyone understand?"

Yes I understand completely. My ex was like this.

You are doing so well to have seen him for what he is in just a year.
He sounds just like my ex, who, incidentally didn't get violent till we'd been together a few years, but looking back I realise it was always on the cards. It was really hard to get away from him. It was only getting the police involved and telling my friends what was going on that really helped in the end.

Got to go look after DS, I'll be back later.

thank you. i have been ok today, managed to keep myself distracted and be around people although i have said nothing. he was outside my house tonight. I was scared and got in and locked the door as quickly as possible. he went. i dont ever want to see him again. not sure why he was there, to scare me, to apologise, no idea which way he would have been. i do not want any contact for this overpowering controlling pathetic excuse of a man. i have a right to come home and feel safe. as yet i havent told anyone as i need to feel stronger in myself. having panic attacks on and off but practicing deep breathing and trying not to let my imagination run wild :-(

You need to call the police.

If he comes again take a date-stamped photo. Keep a log of sightings/happenings and log them with the Police.
Stay safe and have a ((hug)) - it sounds horribly unnerving.

What mysterious hamster said - call the police and press charges for the assault too.

He's free to walk around while you are living scared inside your own home. Think of your son do think he wants his mum living like this?

Unless your do this he won't get the message and remember its not your responsibility HE chose to assault you so HE takes the consequences.

he was outside my house tonight

This man is NOT going to give up. He is NOT going to go away quietly.

By and large, you have ignored the majority of the advice you've had here, and never more so than when, against all of the wise counsel you've received, you let this man back into your home and found yourself with his hands around your neck.

Even now, I can 'hear' you wavering... thinking that if only you invite him in again and have a nice quiet chat with him, everything will be reduced to a 'misunderstanding' and you'll be able to be 'friends'.

If you have understood nothing else from your thread, please understand this: the ONLY way you will be free of this controlling and abusive twunt is to call the police on EVERY occasion that you see him anywhere near your home and to NEVER let him get within a striking distance of you without calling 999.

To this end, you are best advised to prime your phone ready to dial 999 when you are entering and leaving your home and when you are out and about in places where there aren't many others around.

When you next speak to the police make sure they are aware of his history as i strongly suspect he is known to them, albeit that he may not be visible on your regional police authority's books... yet.

If you read my numerous past reponses on this board you will see that I am not given to alarmism, but I urge you to exercise extreme caution when going about your business and, wherever possible, try to be in the company of others when you are out and about over the next few months.

Don't bother getting him to say 'cheese' for the camera. If you see him anywhere near your home or place of employment, call 999 immediately and, if possible, get yourself behind a lockable door until the police arrive.

dipndunk this is not going to end unless you take steps to protect yourself.

As I said earlier, you've done really well to escape from this man so early.

However lots of us here recognise the type, as we've been there. And for some unfathomable reason, men like your ex are amazingly predictable!

I recognise your reluctance to involve the police, or tell your friends. I used to feel the same. He will continue however until the police make him go away (or until he find another victim). He is not going to suddenly stop being an abusive, manipulative excuse for a man. That's who he is. You can call the police now, or when you finally reach your breaking point after he's done unimaginable damage to your self esteem, scared your DS, destroyed your relationship with your neighbours, and isolated you further from your friends. Sadly I waited for the second one (although no DCs then thankfully).

I'm going to say some things I learnt, please think carefully about them:

1. The most dangerous person in your life right now is you, not him. This is because you have the power to stop this but you are choosing not to use it. And because you are a nice person who has been judging him by your own standards. You still haven't understood how impossible it is to reason with someone as warped as he is.

1. You are still under his manipulative spell (although less than you were). You need to break free of his influence and see how important it is to protect yourself and your DS.

1. Tell someone, anyone. Once you've told one person it will become easier. I felt it was like I'd broken the spell.

1. You say "I hope he leaves me alone." He is almost certainly not going to leave you alone unless made to (by the police). Don't just hope, do something about it.

1. "maybe he will wake up this morning and realise what he has done and be sorry rather than let the anger take over.. he had a lot to drink last night"

You are in danger of making excuses for him. The drink is not the problem, he is. He's done this before. Even if he's only like it when drunk, he's fully aware of what he's like and he's sober when he takes the first drink. He lost his first chance many years ago when he was first violent with a woman. he doesn't deserve any chances with you. Alcohol is no excuse. He is abusive.

1. "i'm not taking it further, i dont want the stress". If you want to avoid stress, use the tools you can to protect yourself against him. Dealing with him alone will be more stressful than the police dealing with him on your behalf. There are a number of ways you can arrange it so he'll get arrested if he comes near you, so he has to keep away, but you must involve the police.

1. "i just cant do that to him. his ex wife divorced him with reasons including domestic violence. he is a broken man, i dont think it is his fault, even so, i dont deserve to be attacked to standing up to him"

This is the most worrying bit. He has fed you his version of events, and he has managed to make you feel sorry for him, for being an abuser!
If his life is shit, good, he needs to learn that's the consequences of abusing the people he was supposed to love and protect. He obviously hasn't accepted how terrible his treatment of his wife was, and the irony is he's got you protecting him from the police because he's done it before! A "broken man"? Maybe, but really, who cares? It's irrelevant. He's a danger to those around him. If he's struggling to deal with that, that's his problem. you can't cure him. All you can do is protect yourself from him.

Please call Women's Aid now and leave a message. They're really busy, and it's hard to get through to them, but if you leave a message they will call you back, and they give great advice and support.

I'm sorry you're going through this. ((((hugs))))

Incidentally, my ex arsehole called me just yesterday (NYE).

He hardly contacts me anymore, thankfully, but still, over 5 years later he is still totally deluded!

He didn't call to wish me happy new year. He called to ask me to buy him train tickets online as he doesn't have a credit card. And suggested he goes to my mums to drop the money off. This is out of the blue after no contact for months and months.

He's in his 40s! I had to get the police involved to get rid of him, move town and lie to him about where I was going before I felt free of him. A lot of my friendships suffered because of my association with him. Why would I want to buy him tickets or send him to my mums?! And it's been over 5 years!! Totally fucking deluded. At least he only calls once or twice a year these days.

My friend on the other hand is about to go to the police about her violent ex who's started stalking her again, 2 years after they split up. She's getting dozens of calls every day .

You need help dealing with this type of man. You can't appeal to his better judgement because he's warped. Please, get back up. Women's Aid, the police, your friends and family. You need to protect your son.

A broken man? He's not broken but, given half a chance, he'll break you, honey.

"If you have understood nothing else from your thread, please understand this: the ONLY way you will be free of this controlling and abusive twunt is to call the police on EVERY occasion that you see him anywhere near your home and to NEVER let him get within a striking distance of you without calling 999."

I agree 100%.

"His ex wife cited domestic violence"

Ok seriously having read this thread you need to pack yourself and dc and go and stay somewhere for a few nights if possible. If you hear from him you meedvtobtell him you will press charges if he comes anywhere near you or property again. You need to stop having conversations and stop letting him in. No chats no nothing, it is not going to make you or him feel better. You really really need to consider pressing charges though, if you don't he'll see it as a weakness and try again. You know you've made the right decision and this is what it was leading too maybe worse so don't have any more thoughts of guilt. You have had one lucky escape and need to stay very strong over these next few weeks as he won't have got the message yet!!!

OP. . . Sit down and read this entire thread from start to finish, then re read it. . . Then re read it again. . . Then keep reading it until the advice that people have posted in here starts to sink in.

You seem to care more about hurting the feelings of this wanker than you do the safety of your young son. . Harsh but true!

Wakey Wakey!!!!

thank you everyone. After a day of "blanking it out" yesterday, as that is the only way i could get through the day and a better nights sleep, I am feeling MUCH stronger. When i see him, somehow i turn to nothing. I do not want to see him ever again. I am feeling more like myself even after a day of no contact and things are feeling a bit clearer. I need some advice. I have an item of his property at my home. I do not want to make any contact with him and this is the only excuse he could make for coming. It is valuable. It is possible to post it, however again i dont want an angry reaction from this either. what is the best way forward?
I am writing down last nights turning up and driving away..
i will call WA today

Ask someone else to take it to him for you.

And as well as ringing WA, read this thread again and take advice from the women who have 'been there'.
Because you really need to.

I agree, get someone else to take it to him or if there is no1 then post it recorded delivery so he had to sign for it then can't turn around and say he didn't receive it.

Now that you've 'written down' his turning up last night and driving away, call the police on 101, and ask them to pay you a call, in order that they can record write it down.

It is possible that the officer(s) who attend will be unaware of the events of the other night and the manner in which he attacked you (hands around your throat screaming 'who do you think I am' etc) or that he made threats to smash your windows/slash your tyres in the presence of the officers who attended on that occasion and removed him from your premises.

They may also be unware that, while you were in another room with a female officer, he was being charm personified to the male officer who attended.

After you have explained the above to the attending officer(s), tell them what he has told you about his history with his ex and, in particular, that it would seem his attack on you is not the first time he has put his hands around a woman's throat in an intimidating manner.

Inform the police that you have one item of belonging to him in your home and that, as it has some value, it's probable he will use this as reason to call on you again and you are scared of the possible consequences should he do so.

Hopefully, the police will deliver the item to him and take the opportunity to have a further word with him but, if not, it is important that they are aware he may use it to gain entry to your home again.

On NO account should you meet with him to hand the item over or post it to him. If the police are not willing to assist in returning the item to him, ask a trusted friend/colleague/family member to store the item with a view to it being collected from their home by him.

When making the necessary arrangement, prepare a receipt on the lines of 'Received one from of on Signed.....' and make it clear that his signature is to be obtained before the item is handed over.

PLEASE act on this advice as he is not going to give up easily. He's regrouping; plotting and planning a further onslaught attempt to play you like a violin and it is VITAL that the police are fully informed of the situation.

((Hugs))
You need to find a large chap to deliver said item back to him. Preferably Vinnie Jones or a rugger player.

I really think you need to ring the police, tell them he is now stalking you . Press charges for Assault , then get a restraining order.

You should not feel frightened in your own home . This will not end in the way you hoped unless you take some positive action NOW.

The quicker you do it , the quicker it will be over and you can get back to normal.

Wheres AF? she is the best at putting across what needs doing ( I would move her in , if i were you )

Bumpty bump

Please, for your DC's sake if not your own, read Izzy's 15:57 post

Please.

This is not the kind of thing to take lightly, you have no idea what he is capable of.

Please come back, honey, as I suspect I'm not the only who's worried about you.

Another one hoping you come back to at least let us know you're OK, and not in hospital or worse

hello, sorry. You will be very pleased to know i have spent the day with my ds and his grandad (my dad) and later my friend and her kids. OK, i havent said anything, i feel ashamed, but i feel MUCH more like myself, less trapped and like i am breaking free, despite the hurt etc i am feeling strong, not like the mess a few nights ago. I have had no contact with him, I have not done anything about his property as yet. My mind is becoming more clear, although i know i have a long way to go to get over this. It helps me just being around caring people and "normality" even if i dont say anything. It just helps me cope and try to make sense.
I have heard nothing from the police since the incident, which in some ways is quite alarming. Anyway. At the moment i am trying to keep going, to give the best care for my son. i am being vigilant, but the panic attacks are easing. I think he will leave me alone now. I think me calling the police may have hit home. It is so hard. i suspect he is feel terrible. We were both very drunk. i do not think he will dare contact me now. Maybe it is false security? as IM feeling stronger? Not sure... he said it wasnt over and other threats, wouldnt you think the police would follow up? but i think it was the drink talking.. anyway, I am ok, surviving..taking good care of my ds and will begin to care more for myself. never again.