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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to stop supporting DH financially

175 replies

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 08:16

I work full time. Have 2 children aged 1 and 2. We have a nanny who also does washing ironing and a lot of cleaning. My DH works part time.

When we got married my DH left his job so he could move to the country I was living in. He has only ever worked sporadically since. This has been going on for over 3 years.

I work in a very demanding job where I am very stressed and stretched.

He is a part time tradesman. He appears in my view to make very little effort to follow up or generate work, shows little drive or ambition has to be prodded to return client phone calls and is just generally very unmotivated and unreliable. He is a clown with the kids who love him but I'm starting to hold in in contempt and feel very resentful that he isn't contributing more, making more effort to find work and basically thinking he is a lazy cock lodging bastard.

I pay his mortgage (which isn't fully covered by the income from his genants) credit card payments, loan repayments from before he met me and am getting fucking sick of it.

He gives me most of his wages when he get them to go towards bills but its a drop in the ocean. He isn't profligate and doesn't go out much so I can't say he is throwing money around but he significantly adds to our cost of living. Things like occasional golf games, dinners out, nothing unreasonable.

I am just getting sick of it. When he was a say at home dad I could cope with it. But now we have a nanny I'm not entirely sure what I am actually getting out of this relationship.

He does clean and do DIY and he drives me to work an back every day as we only have one car but honestly I often think I would be better off f he just fucked off because I wouldn't be having to pay for all his stuff every month. If he was a really hard worker I would be more patient but he lets clients down and let's jobs go because he is just lazy and disorganized.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "right, from January you will have to be responsible for your own mortgage, credit card and loan payments. So I'd get looking for work if I were you!"

OP posts:
Original poster
needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 08:20

Sorry am on a rant now...

It also makes me LIVID when I have to cover the costs of his fuck ups - like parking fines or when he didn't bother to complete his tax documents properly and I had to pay 1.5k for him, or when he "forgot" to heck whether his phone direct debit was coming out so got the bailiffs round his parents house (700 quid) or that he still hasn't regularized with his mortgage company that he is letting the place so the rate is 2% higher than it should be.

I never take him to task over these thins because he ets angry and defensive. So I just silently fume. A lot.

Any advice (short of exploring in rage and kicking him out).

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 08:30

So would it be fair to say that you used to feel he was pulling his weight, but since your nanny started he's been getting an easy ride?

If so, may I ask why you started with the nanny? (We have a nanny, BTW, so I'm not opposed to the idea of nannies at all, just not sure what the purpose of employing him/her as in your case.)

Assuming that your DH did a reasonable job as a SAHD - children happy, safe and settled, household running, he himself was content in the roll - then I would be inclined to tell him that your nanny is a luxury he can't afford any more.

Revelsarethebest · 20/12/2012 08:30

As your dh is part time and isnt bringmuch money in, could you get rid of the nanny and your husband be at home full time instead. If he doesnt work alot then hes probaly not bringing home enough to pay the nanny anyway, so you will save abit of money there.

I personally wouldnt pay any debt that isnt mine - its not like you can be chased for it personally.

Could you not sell his other house?

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 08:31

I never take him to task over these thins because he ets angry and defensive. So I just silently fume. A lot.

This, though, isn't good. You as a couple need to work on your communication. You should be able to raise issues and he should be able to discuss them with you like an adult.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 20/12/2012 08:33

I think you answered all your own questions right there

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/12/2012 08:34

Can I ask why are you still with this man?

It sounds like you are better off splitting up from him....

senua · 20/12/2012 08:52

Not sure about getting rid of the nanny. Who is a better role model for the DC: her or lazy and disorganised DH? Also, you know that the moment she is gone he will do nothing, it is the perfect excuse to be even more lazy.

Why keep the tenanted house when it is losing you money? Sell it off and use any equity released to pay off the loan.

Can you get DH into a salaried job instead of being 'self employed'?

Conflugenglugen · 20/12/2012 09:06

I'm really sorry to hear this, OP. I can only say one thing: I was in the same boat, and I am now single again. I also took myself to a lot of therapy to find out why it was that I managed to get myself into that position. I am still extricating myself, but feeling better about myself and my life by the day.

LookBehindYou · 20/12/2012 09:15

Is the dh doing the same job he left?

SirSugar · 20/12/2012 09:32

He's obviously not right for you OP, you are way more ambitious than him and that gets on your nerves.

You are fully self supporting, have full control, why don't you just exterminate him?

Letsmakecookies · 20/12/2012 09:36

YANBU to be upset at your relationship not fulfilling you, or feeling your emotions. YABVU to start setting out ultimatums, particularly as you have said you have not told him how you feel.

I am just trying to imagine the responses you would get if you reversed genders. After all he is working and giving you most of his income, just not to the level you want. He is not lazy, he cleans, does DIY, looks after children, drives you to work. You are just angry at his lack of ambition.

You could tell him to sell his house and pay off his credit cards. But the house would be a joint asset if you are married?

But I think that the issue is a little less money and a little more about relationship issues/communication. Either you have outgrown him, or stress is getting too much for you, or you have communication issues. Perhaps think about couples therapy, so you can start learning to talk to each other lie adults. The current arrangement of you silently fuming and him getting defensive is childish.

Letsmakecookies · 20/12/2012 09:39

Oh that sounded a little harsh. I think that the communication between you has not evolved with your relationship and changing needs. And that is so easy to happen. FWIW I would not stay in a marriage I was that unhappy in, you obviously have different expectations of life, and he is pathetic financially forgetting to pay bills etc.

LookBehindYou · 20/12/2012 10:33

Cookies if you forgot to pay a bill would you think you deserved to be called pathetic? I certainly have. He moved to a new country leaving his job. His dw has a good job and is getting all the postive payback that gives. So she gets home having been productive and successful all day and finds a man who is only working part time and possibly not too successfully. It's easy to think that someone isn't trying hard enough if they're not getting results you think they should get. Perhaps he's angry and defensive because that's how he feels. Perhaps the way the OP is tackling him makes him that way? There's no way of knowing.

OP, you say yourself you're stressed and stretched. You're almost certainly taking some of that stress home. Is your dh legally able to work and are his skills desirable in your new country? If he is truly dropping clients deliberately do you think he might be depressed?

Itsjustmeanon · 20/12/2012 10:35

Give him a time frame, in three months you will stop paying x, in 6 months y, in nine months z, and in 2014 he will be paying all his own bills. He can't change overnight. I'm naturally lazy and need to be pushed.

Catsdontcare · 20/12/2012 10:38

Give him a choice, full time employment or lose the nanny and he becomes a full time sahm dad.

Silently seething won't help, think you have to have the argument

Original poster
needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 10:42

He wasn't very happy being a stay at home dad really. And the situation was mega stressful all round. Hence te nanny. The nanny is brilliant, in fact it's like having a stay at home wife. The kids love her and I couldn't ask for better support with them.

My issue isn't that he isn't contributing enough per se. It's that he constantly rearranges customer appointments because he doesn't feel like going that day or fails to return calls or provide quotes on time. He does no advertising or marketing for his services. He could have an utterly thriving business venture with almost full time work if he was bothered to work hard at it be dependable and focus the way he ought to.

That is what really pisses me off.

That lethargy which also results in him fucking up and causing more money issues. I feel like I have 3 kids sometimes not 2.

He always has some ache or pain or some excuse for being in a bad mood or sub par. He doesn't sleep well, his shoulder hurts, he is under the weather... But when I attempt to find solutions (go to the dr, wear earplugs, take the sleeping pills you were prescribed, go to the free gym round the corner, call the physio) nothing gets done. E would rather just moan about it.

But if I booked the appointment or printed up leaflets for his business r updated his Facebook page or arranged times for him to visit clients he will do it. But never under his own steam.

I'm sick to death of his moaning and waiting for me to sort everything out. He is nearly 40 years old.

So I've stopped doing it. When he mains about his health I just say "if you're sick go to a dr, if you don't go to the Dr you clearly aren't sick ". If his clients ring complaining he hasn't got back to them I just ignore it.

But all this makes MY life harder. We have less money and less likelihood of his business ever taking off because of his lazy pathetic disorganized approach to everything. And it means I am responsible for everything.

He complains that I don't do enough cleaning and tidying. Well he is the one who cares about the house being pristine not me and after a full days work then cooking his dinner I'm buggered if I'm going to clean up his shit as well. He can do it. I'm just failing to see any kind of equal balance here now. He gets a free ride and I get what? The occasional shag, some lights putting up and the garden done. Well I could pay for the handyman stuff at a hell of a lot cheaper rate than I am paying for him!

When he says "I drive you to work and back every day" all I can think is "if you weren't here needing the car during the day I could drive myself!" Or "if we hasn't had to sell the other car to pay your debts you wouldn't have to!"

OP posts:
Original poster
needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 10:50

His services are very much in demand. He is supposed to be straying a division of his business with an existing company but everything here moves very slowly UNLESS you push it. He doesn't push it. He just waits for stuff to happen. Or for me to push it.

But it's easier to just be passive and / or a victim isn't it ?!

OP posts:
Original poster
needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 10:51

I like that idea itsjustmeanon.

OP posts:
senua · 20/12/2012 10:51

he is the one who cares about the house being pristine not me

So your priorities are important but his aren't? [devil's advocate]

Why/what is so important about the house being pristine? What motivates him in that area? Can you work on that and translate it to other areas of life?

LessMissAbs · 20/12/2012 10:53

YANBU. He's taking the piss.

But keep his tenanted house for the time being, don't use it to pay off his debts.

It will mean you have to pay him less, if anything, by way of financial settlement if you do divorce him.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 20/12/2012 10:54

I havent read all the replies, just the OPs posts. But he sounds depressed. He needs to see the GP.

Tbh OP you sound scary. If the roles were reversed and you were posting here about your husband cutting you off etc you would be told to ltb. Honestly, I feel sorry for him.

dequoisagitil · 20/12/2012 10:54

Yep, I see your frustration. And driving you to work is not something you should have to feel grateful for, as it's the money you earn that keeps this ship afloat. If you don't get to work, nobody eats.

I don't think it'd be unreasonable to ask him to shape up or ship out. Although if you're married, you may find he still will cost you money if you divorced.

LookBehindYou · 20/12/2012 10:59

Shape up or ship out? Charming.

CremeEggThief · 20/12/2012 11:05

Please re-read your posts, OP. It isn't healthy or good for anyone to carry and bottle up that amount of anger and resentment.

You need to talk about this with your DH, but I'm not sure you have a future together with such a gulf between you.

Letsmakecookies · 20/12/2012 11:08

Look yes someone who has not enough money coming in, forgets to pay bills and runs up credit cards, can't pay his own loans, doesn't fill out his tax properly is pathetic. I will not excuse my statement. He is an adult not a child.