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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to stop supporting DH financially

175 replies

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 08:16

I work full time. Have 2 children aged 1 and 2. We have a nanny who also does washing ironing and a lot of cleaning. My DH works part time.

When we got married my DH left his job so he could move to the country I was living in. He has only ever worked sporadically since. This has been going on for over 3 years.

I work in a very demanding job where I am very stressed and stretched.

He is a part time tradesman. He appears in my view to make very little effort to follow up or generate work, shows little drive or ambition has to be prodded to return client phone calls and is just generally very unmotivated and unreliable. He is a clown with the kids who love him but I'm starting to hold in in contempt and feel very resentful that he isn't contributing more, making more effort to find work and basically thinking he is a lazy cock lodging bastard.

I pay his mortgage (which isn't fully covered by the income from his genants) credit card payments, loan repayments from before he met me and am getting fucking sick of it.

He gives me most of his wages when he get them to go towards bills but its a drop in the ocean. He isn't profligate and doesn't go out much so I can't say he is throwing money around but he significantly adds to our cost of living. Things like occasional golf games, dinners out, nothing unreasonable.

I am just getting sick of it. When he was a say at home dad I could cope with it. But now we have a nanny I'm not entirely sure what I am actually getting out of this relationship.

He does clean and do DIY and he drives me to work an back every day as we only have one car but honestly I often think I would be better off f he just fucked off because I wouldn't be having to pay for all his stuff every month. If he was a really hard worker I would be more patient but he lets clients down and let's jobs go because he is just lazy and disorganized.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "right, from January you will have to be responsible for your own mortgage, credit card and loan payments. So I'd get looking for work if I were you!"

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 12:26

YY MiniTheMinx - totally agree.

MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 12:27

Why is he so defensive? people are defensive when they come under attack.

OP you really are ill matched, neither of you can be happy. Let him go and and have the life you want. You might even find a man strong enough or just simply good enough for you.

Offred · 20/12/2012 12:27

It doesn't sound like the sex thing is really sorted, it just sounds as though it is not the current focus of your frustration at him.

Seriously, what do you think is going to happen to make this better?

Original poster

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 12:27

I want an equal partnership. I work my ass off to make ends meet. I expect him to do the same.

OP posts:

LookBehindYou · 20/12/2012 12:29

OP, what do you think he would he say if he was asked to reply to what you've posted here? Try not to use denigrating 'little boy' language.

CremeEggThief · 20/12/2012 12:29

I don't think he can live up to your very high expectations. Fundamentally, you want different things.

Offred · 20/12/2012 12:29

I have seen a different side to this and you on this thread. I do wonder if, strong and capable as you seem, the actual problem is his reactions to you when you do talk/don't just tolerate his moods, aggressive behaviour and helplessness...

MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 12:32

You compromised about sex? really, you don't seem happy about that. You are not having the sex life you want because of your resentment. Your words OP.

Assuming you are capable of compromise (although i would question that) compromise on the life style, earnings, ambition. He is laid back, you are het up and striving. So you strive..........and get stressed, is he preventing you from being who and what you are? no but you want to impose change to his personality.

Offred · 20/12/2012 12:32

Over this work thing I don't think you do have high expectations actually. You want a partner not a child that's all, you want to know he is motivated to support his family.

Original poster

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 12:33

He is defensive because he is not an emotionally well balanced individual. He has low self esteem and anxiety issues which makes him aggressive and sometimes borderline abusive. Not always but sometimes. I wouldn't dream of "attacking" him verbally or in any other way because he would go nuts. I keep my opinions to myself as much as I can and phrase things very tactfully so I don't trigger his insecurities and consequent foul temper. That's why I'm venting on here. Because I can't vent to him. I "manage" the situation. Every situation. At home, at work. That's what I do. Because I don't have the luxury of an equal partnership. In many different ways.

See what I meant about not wanting to open that box?

I suspect if he had a decent job, and yes a salaried position would be nice but he can't get one for a number of reasons I cannot be bothered to enumerate here, I imagine he would be a better partner all round.

But we have to work with what we've got.

Which is a good opportunity for him to run his own business. If he actually got off his ass.

OP posts:

bleedingheart · 20/12/2012 12:33

I agree with Offred. In your previous threads it seemed that you were indomitable but now I'm thinking maybe you are scared to confront him with how you really feel so when you post here it sounds as though you hate him because it has all built up inside you for so long and it is a 'safe place?'

He should be contributing. Equal contribution can mean different things though can't it?
I get the impression you were attracted to his masculinity and now finding him to be less interested in sex, earning and needing instructions from you is disappointing to you and in conflict with your ideal for a husband.

It does sound like he is an employee you're sick of.

bleedingheart · 20/12/2012 12:34

X- posted

It sounds so unhealthy OP [sad}

MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 12:35

Sounds like you both need counselling individually and together OP

Would you consider that?

LookBehindYou · 20/12/2012 12:35

It would have helped OP if you'd set that at the beginning. As this is a pretty major factor I wonder why you didn't.

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 12:37

I never do this, but for once I would urge posters to look at your previous threads before replying.

You have said that your DH has diagnosed anxiety disorders. You had said that he has OCD. That being the case, of course he struggles with both a messy house and motivating himself.

You have said that he had an unbelievably traumatic childhood, but you sitll expect him to be able to perform - in every sense of the word - at the level you do.

You're not in the wrong to want a partner who is motivated and more relaxed around the house - but it seems he is simply incapable of being these things. No-one's fault, just incredibly sad. Especially as there are children to consider now.

You had two epic threads, one in April and one over the Summer, where it became crystal clear that your relationship isn't working for either of you.

Give serious consideration to couples counselling. Or splitting. Because the status quo is lousy.

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 20/12/2012 12:38

LookBehindYou It's a repulsive phrase because it describes repulsive behaviour. We can't be sure that it's happening here but there are some red flags IMO.

I do think, OP, having had a look at your other threads, that the outlook for the marriage really isn't good. I would seriously consider calling it a day as you really don't seem to be compatible in terms of a lot of things. Sorry.

Offred · 20/12/2012 12:38

No, you don't have to carry on working with what you've got at all.

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 12:40

OP, you can't flog a dead horse. From everything you've written, I truly think that he's incapable of being what you want due to his mental health issues.

Original poster

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 12:42

Really my expectations are not high. I had no illusions he was going to be the next Richard Branson but I would like him to return a clients call and send a quote out in a reasonable timeframe when his business reputation and consequent income contribution to his family is on the line. That is a high expectation?

And trust me its him who likes the lifestyle. He wants the cars, golf club membership, nights away in hotels. Not that we have them. I haven't been clothes shopping in 6 months and will only buy groceries on offer! What I want is a decent pension for our old age, savings and a college fund for the kids. He wants a giant fish tank and le creuset oven ware.

OP posts:

Offred · 20/12/2012 12:45

You are also unwilling to call out his aggressive etc behaviour as abusive, if he didn't have MH issues would you see it as abusive?

sleepyhead · 20/12/2012 12:46

From your posts it sounds like:

You don't respect him
You don't like him
You don't love him

Just leave him then. Chances are you'll both be much happier.

Viviennemary · 20/12/2012 12:46

I agree with those who say you just seem to want different things in life. Why has he got a mortgage on another house that you are paying. You are ambitious and want to do well and he seems happy to drift along. That's all very well for individuals but not when there are two people involved. This ship up or ship out. Not sure I agree with that. People have to work things out together.

LookBehindYou · 20/12/2012 12:48

I don't know why you're talking about all these things. Are you looking for permission to leave him? If he is abusive you need to leave.
The rest is just you seething with resentment because you don't feel you're in a loving relationship. Wanting le creuset is hardly up there with unreasonable behaviour.

MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 12:51

If you emasculate him and make him feel worthless and less than satifactory, he won't have the confidence to ring clients and push himself forward. It takes a lot of confidence to sell yourself when you are self employed. I should know...I am.

You both need counselling either that or just give it up and move on.

Original poster

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 12:53

Oh believe me I have thought about it many times. But at the end if the day I like being married. I just wish life was easier then all these things wouldn't rub so much.

He does have good points and he does try to make things better when I pluck up the courage to discuss issues with him (after the storm of abuse has died down). I just wish I got a turn at leaning on someone. It would be nice. Imagine not having to work. Having enough money to do what you want. Not having to worry about how to pay the bills. Or buttering up your boss for the next bonus. Imagine it not mattering that your husband was rather less motivated than he could be - because it wasn't really relevant. That would be nice wouldn't it.

I just want a bit more of a hand. Someone to be positive and encouraging and dependable. Rather than me having to sty on an even keel. I smile so much my face hurts. Smooth things over. Keep the peace. Be the rock. Forgive. Compromise. Start again. Keep moving forward. Hold the fort. It's what people do right?

I just wish he could shoulder his own burdens for a while. Financial and otherwise even if he can't take on any of mine. I can carry my own load and the kids but his as well is just back breaking.

OP posts:

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