Would I be unreasonable to stop supporting DH financially

[needsomeperspective]

I work full time. Have 2 children aged 1 and 2. We have a nanny who also does washing ironing and a lot of cleaning. My DH works part time.

When we got married my DH left his job so he could move to the country I was living in. He has only ever worked sporadically since. This has been going on for over 3 years.

I work in a very demanding job where I am very stressed and stretched.

He is a part time tradesman. He appears in my view to make very little effort to follow up or generate work, shows little drive or ambition has to be prodded to return client phone calls and is just generally very unmotivated and unreliable. He is a clown with the kids who love him but I'm starting to hold in in contempt and feel very resentful that he isn't contributing more, making more effort to find work and basically thinking he is a lazy cock lodging bastard.

I pay his mortgage (which isn't fully covered by the income from his genants) credit card payments, loan repayments from before he met me and am getting fucking sick of it.

He gives me most of his wages when he get them to go towards bills but its a drop in the ocean. He isn't profligate and doesn't go out much so I can't say he is throwing money around but he significantly adds to our cost of living. Things like occasional golf games, dinners out, nothing unreasonable.

I am just getting sick of it. When he was a say at home dad I could cope with it. But now we have a nanny I'm not entirely sure what I am actually getting out of this relationship.

He does clean and do DIY and he drives me to work an back every day as we only have one car but honestly I often think I would be better off f he just fucked off because I wouldn't be having to pay for all his stuff every month. If he was a really hard worker I would be more patient but he lets clients down and let's jobs go because he is just lazy and disorganized.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "right, from January you will have to be responsible for your own mortgage, credit card and loan payments. So I'd get looking for work if I were you!"

Lookbehindyou - spot on with the military thing. He is used to getting daily orders and is a bit lost without that. But I want to be his wife not iOS commanding officer! And I feel like I'm being FORCED into having to be responsible for everything because he refuses to be. I don't CHOOSE to be and haven't been in previous relationships. But if I don't do things they don't get done. So what am I supposed to do? That makes me controlling?!!

No one has forced you to be responsible for everything, no one has put a gun to your head and made you.

I agree with offred Fundamentally I think you need to see that you are doing the same thing about your relationship that he is doing about his life. Things are not going to change if he doesn't change them and you can't make him so you are left getting wound up and complaining about how miserable you are with him but you aren't willing to do anything to actually change things for yourself, you're putting things all in his hands...

I don't think it is the military that's the problem. I have friends who have been in the military who are extremely proactive and responsible.

If the military is connected then I think it will be that the things you struggle with now are the reasons he went into the military not the effect the military had on him.

Jux and revels - thanks your posts have some really helpful suggestions.

That was the thought process behind stopping paying his bills. That it might incentivize him to be a bit more proactive about getting work.

Ok letsmakecookies. I will stop being responsible shall I? I will only go into work when I feel like it. I won't bother paying the bills or covering the mortgage. What the hell lets just go bankrupt. We can send the kids to live with their grandmother and go back to the into sit on the dole. Fuck it.

I have kids to feed clothe and educate. If I'm not responsible who the fuck is?

I really cannot stress how much I disagree with the idea that you "incentivise" him working.

Looking logically do you think this will happen like this given your current relationship pattern? One thing you are stressed by is his inability to make connections between his behaviour or lack of action and consequences.

I think it will play out as follows;

1. You stop paying his bills
2. He lets the bills rack up
3. You pay them because you need to save the home/family life

I still think the problem is that he has never and never been able to function as an independent adult because of his childhood experiences. He is not ready to deal with that by the sounds of things so you have two choices; either accept him how he is or separate because how he is makes your life intolerably hard. If you push him into doing things it won't work, it will just make you more responsible for him and more miserable.

I agree with Offred.

Do you love him? at all?

You seem very ill matched.

Hi, I think you are both trapped in the cycle. You are strong woman, the provider, taking everything on your shoulders. He conveniently fell in to this greenhouse of being provided. You may think you only doing him favours, while actually he may feel emasculinated and weak and lethargic being in this situation. If you don't want a divorce (yet) - I say shift responsibilities step by step and say clearly if he forgets you would not be bailing him out.

I have kids to feed clothe and educate You mention that he didn't want children. Maybe there is not just your resentment at play here OP? I think it's quite indicative of your feelings towards him that you say "I" rather than "we"

^I think it will play out as follows;

1. You stop paying his bills
2. He lets the bills rack up
3. You pay them because you need to save the home/family life^

Yep I suspect this as well....

And for those of you who said "did you not know this before you married him" - I only found out he had a house in negative equity and masses of debt AFTER we got married and I had taken on a second property of my own. So no, he kept that one and some other tidbits it may have been helpful to know to himself.

Oh, you're the poster who basically said she went slightly mad if she didn't get a regular shag every couple of days?

I seem to recall that you were exceptionally rude to offred, amongst others, on that thread when we dared to suggest that there were some fundamental issues in your relationship that were rooted in you rather than him, and that your attitude to both him and to sex sucked.

I'm glad to see the sex thing has been sorted, although I'd be fascinated to know how.

But the rest? You still need to work on it. You don't respect him, that's the main issue. Offred is bang on the money on this thread too.

You sound like you hate him.

You don't sound like a couple.

You don't sound like a family.

Funny that Mini - thats because I do have to clothe and feed them because if I don't who will?!

Yes I love him. Mostly. Right now I'd happily clock him round the head with a frozen leg of lamb and put him under the patio but more often than not I love him to bits. I wouldn't still be with the PITA otherwise.

Respect is earned. Not much earning going on one side of this marriage clearly - in more ways than one.

I agree that self employment doesn't sound right for him. Would it be worth cutting your losses and winding that up and suggesting he applies for jobs? But from the sound of it, he would't look very hard...

It does seem unfair that you have to shoulder so many of the family responsibilities while he moans about stuff not being done. Other posters have expressed sympathy for him. I would have more sympathy if you hadn't said that he moans about you not doing enough cleaning, getting the car serviced etc. Can he honestly not see how annoying that would be when he works pt if that and you are working ft? Have you said straight out to him 'I already have my hands full doing XYZ so i really think you should do it!' If so, how does he respond?

Is the car arrangement so he can go and use it to see clients? If so, then I would start shifting the boundaries by saying you will drive yourself in if he doesn't have any appointments.

I don't like him having kept the info about his debts secret from you. That does suggest cocklodger I'm afraid.

Sex thing sorted through discussion and compromise. And me being rather less moved to jump in the sack with someone I'm extremely frustrated with outside the bedroom.

"when we got married I moved to DH's country. I have only worked sporadically since. Dh has a very stressful job. We have two children aged one and two and we have recently got a nanny as I have started to work part time. However I do feel unmotivated to work as I am happiest being at home with my children.

"I give nearly all my wages to dh, I don't spend too much as I rarely go out. I do a lot of the housework and cleaning etc and spending time with the kids.

DH has now said that I contribute nothing financially and that he is going to stop supporting me. He says that I am essentially just a burden on him. What should I do?"

What do people honestly think would be the response if a woman posted that?

Op I think your dh should ltb. You sound controlling and manipulative and really quite unpleasant, which is the exact response that would have been aimed at your dh if the situation were reversed. He left his job to move to be with you, he has been at home with your children for the past two years, You are in this together. I agree get rid of the nanny but I also think that you need to take a step back and start recognising what your dh brings to this relationship i.e. he takes care of your children while you are working. People would be saying that "you look after his children, that in itself is a job" if this was reversed - this is no different.

I think if the OP were a man on here bitching about how awful it is being financially responsible for his family and denigrating his unambitious wife and her own contribution he would've been torn a new arsehole by now!

If I said tht to him snazzy he would say something aggressive and sarcastic like "oh sorry I do fuck all round here. Maybe you should find some other c&nt to do stuff for you if I'm not good enough".

Respect is earned

No respect is given. To all people, upfront without question.

because we all have different ideas on how to earn it.

It should be freely given until such time it is withdrawn because it is clear it is not deserved.

WE HAVE A FULL TIME NANNY AND CLEANER.

He is not slaving round the house looking free toddlers and fitting in all the part time work he can scrape up

If he was I wouldn't be complaining!

OP you do not need to responsible for EVERYTHING. I didn't say make your children homeless in threadbare clothes. Take a chill pill. You are not angry at me, you don't know me. But by all means just stay in the status quo if you like it so much. I take back my comment about you not being controlling, you have serious control issues. .

cocklodger is a repulsive phrase and I doubt it's the case here.