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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would I be unreasonable to stop supporting DH financially

175 replies

needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 08:16

I work full time. Have 2 children aged 1 and 2. We have a nanny who also does washing ironing and a lot of cleaning. My DH works part time.

When we got married my DH left his job so he could move to the country I was living in. He has only ever worked sporadically since. This has been going on for over 3 years.

I work in a very demanding job where I am very stressed and stretched.

He is a part time tradesman. He appears in my view to make very little effort to follow up or generate work, shows little drive or ambition has to be prodded to return client phone calls and is just generally very unmotivated and unreliable. He is a clown with the kids who love him but I'm starting to hold in in contempt and feel very resentful that he isn't contributing more, making more effort to find work and basically thinking he is a lazy cock lodging bastard.

I pay his mortgage (which isn't fully covered by the income from his genants) credit card payments, loan repayments from before he met me and am getting fucking sick of it.

He gives me most of his wages when he get them to go towards bills but its a drop in the ocean. He isn't profligate and doesn't go out much so I can't say he is throwing money around but he significantly adds to our cost of living. Things like occasional golf games, dinners out, nothing unreasonable.

I am just getting sick of it. When he was a say at home dad I could cope with it. But now we have a nanny I'm not entirely sure what I am actually getting out of this relationship.

He does clean and do DIY and he drives me to work an back every day as we only have one car but honestly I often think I would be better off f he just fucked off because I wouldn't be having to pay for all his stuff every month. If he was a really hard worker I would be more patient but he lets clients down and let's jobs go because he is just lazy and disorganized.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "right, from January you will have to be responsible for your own mortgage, credit card and loan payments. So I'd get looking for work if I were you!"

OP posts:
Offred · 20/12/2012 12:55

To be honest I think you are talking about the small things because you don't want to "open the box" you have only ever alluded to his angry aggressive behaviour. On the last thread you didn't want to talk about that because he was now taking the pills and was fine....

This is another wrong issue thread, you seem spiny and defensive to me. Isn't it really his treatment of you we need to talk about, why you can't communicate your feelings and how he speaks to you.

I don't think he is fine, I don't think he is sorted or sorting himself out and I think he uses his issues to browbeat you if I'm honest, and I think it is something you do not want to hear or address because you self-identify as strong and powerful

Fragglewump · 20/12/2012 12:55

Your messages sound very angry and I can hear your frustration loud and clear. It sounds like you have very different levels of ambition and drive which may not have been a problem before children, mortgages etc but you expected him to 'grow up' financially and with his work ethic and he hasn't. Maybe he is struggling - I know that my husband would feel resentful and emasculated if I was the high flier who constantly pointed out his failings with his business. I would question whether you have fallen out of love with him so are finding 'evidence' for why you feel this way. Before I left my husband I asked myself how I would feel if he became a perfect husband and father overnight. I realised that even if he changed overnight and was perfect from then on in his previous actions would always cause me upset and prevent me from truly loving and appreciating him in the way that we all deserved. That was the decider for me. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. X

MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 12:55

LookBehindYou, I think le creuset is an investment........lasts a life time, it's also very heavy OP if you feel like hitting him on the head (read up thread ^ !)

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 20/12/2012 12:56

IMO he doesn't sound depressed. He sounds like a lazy bastard who has gotten very used to being a kept man. If you keep it up, so will he. Either you tell him to shape up or ship out or simply KTBO (kick the bastard out).

theghostinthedishwasher · 20/12/2012 12:56

you don't seem to like your dh very much OP. were you as angry as this before you married him or is it a new phenomenon? and why did you marry him/ how long did you know him beforehand?

second the point that some people aren't psychologically suited to running their own business - it doesn't mean they're incompetent. could he get a salaried position if you moved countries? also second the idea of counselling - at the minute it sounds like you are both on the defensive and co-operation/communication is impossible.

Offred · 20/12/2012 12:57

It isn't that he was abused, it is that he feels entitled to abuse others because he was abused I suspect.

bleedingheart · 20/12/2012 13:02

You won't be able to wave a magic wand in order to get him to suddenly start earning or enable you to stay at home.

In all of your threads you come across like you are furious and at the end of your tether. You're really full-on but apparently IRL you keep it all in. That really is no good for either of you. You sound so incompatible. Your husband has a vast history of anxiety and abuse. I am not suggesting that he can use that as an excuse to be abusive towards you, not at all. Focussing on the sex, the earning, the housework...it's not going to mend the fundamental fracture in your marriage.

MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 13:03

Oh dear.....you like being married, maybe your real anger is actually with yourself. You married the wrong man.

You can't change him. You deceived yourself and now you realise that he isn't and never was what you wanted him to be. And he is angry and refuses to be what you want him to be.

Original poster
needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 13:09

He does use it as an excuse offred.

He has bad memories around Christmas and putting up the tree as a child. That for me is one of the days in the year which I look forward to most. I have very happy memories of it and would like our children to as well. Every year he ruins it. He hates the mess of getting the decorations out he snaps and shouts at the pets getting underfoot and always ends up massively losing his temper and screaming abuse over something often leaving me in tears (after babies asleep).

Now I understand he has bad memories. But why does that give him the right to ruin MINE. Because he feels its ok to make his issues my issues, his problems my problems. Just as its ok to make his debts my debts. Well it's not ok

I want him to take responsibility for HIS stuff.

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 20/12/2012 13:12

His issues became your issues when you married him, just as yours are also his.

It's like adopting a one eyed, three legged abused dog who is terrified of people and bites. You'll never get the damaged dog to chase sticks and stop biting people, you either love it and accept it as it is or go and find a perfect one without those faults.

theghostinthedishwasher · 20/12/2012 13:12

yup - that's exactly what I was thinking Mini - OP it sounds to me like you wanted to be married and decided to marry him without really thinking about whether his character, history, habits etc really fitted the slot - do you think that's true at all?

adeucalione · 20/12/2012 13:16

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I followed DH to another country and then struggled to make a success of my business because I suffered from several debilitating MH issues, and he threatened to withdraw all financial support from me.

It sounds like you have only contempt for him, so I would echo what previous posters have said - relationship counselling or separation, you both deserve to be with someone who makes you happy.

Offred · 20/12/2012 13:21

I think that's mean mini.

They aren't your issues, you have taken responsibility for them for too long.

He is not willing to do anything to deal with them. He may never be. He is perpetuating the abuse with his own children and his wife. There is only so much understanding you should do.

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 13:21

OP, on some of your other threads you've swung from marriage-ending despair to manic frivolity overnight.

Are you currently in one of the dark, desperate phases? Because I don't want to offer advice based on today that might not be appropriate on other days.

CinnabarRed · 20/12/2012 13:24

On the Christmas tree issue - the kindest thing he could do would be to take himself out for the afternoon while you (or you and the DCs) do the decorations.

Why doesn't he do that?

Does he insist on being a part of it, either hoping that this time will be different (it won't) or to be abusive? Or do you get him involved, hoping that this time will be different (it won't)?

Offred · 20/12/2012 13:26

I really really think this attack mode you are in is the defence mechanism of a powerful, strong woman being reduced by an abusive man. I really really do. You have so much anger, it doesn't come from nowhere but it is toxic to your life and to your relationships.

Lots of people where abused as children and lots of them are still affected by it. They don't all angrily abuse their spouse and their dc though and then blame it on something they don't want to do anything about. Can you see that he can't do anything about improving himself and his issues because it is the perfect way to get you to excuse his abuse and his control? If he took steps to sort himself out he would no longer be able to benefit from shouting you down, making you unable to communicate and responsible for his whole life...

sleepyhead · 20/12/2012 13:27

Well exactly. Far better for him not to be there if it's a hard time for him. Would you "let" him do that op? Or is part of your picture of "happy family" all of you there and nothing less will do?

I just can't see this working out for either of you in the short, medium or long term.

likeatonneofbricks · 20/12/2012 13:27

OP. just end htis marriage! it will NOT get better magically, people do not chanfge at 40 unless they seriously are motivated - and he isn't (and not capable of). The fact he lies aboutr his debts pre-marriage is really bad, and the longer you pay his debts, the more he can get out of you through divorce, so you have to stop that pronto. He can then have his property after divorce and sell it himself, if he needs to (just in case you feel guilty). I think it's ridiculous that he expects luxury life while not working, AND expects you never to question him or he flies into abuse - wtf?
He's trapped you, hasn't he!

Original poster
needsomeperspective · 20/12/2012 13:28

The difference between a dog and human is a human CHOOSES how to act. A dog bites out of fear and instinct. A grown man chooses to shout at his wife or not to return a phone call. He also chooses whether or not to get the help he needs learn how to chase sticks if its really impossible. My husband makes a choice every time he doesn't follow up a lead or book a service for the car. It's a choice.

OP posts:
Offred · 20/12/2012 13:29

And yes, I do think some of the things you have said about what you want to do are fairly abusive too but I suspect they are a reaction to him as the primary abuser and the fact that the primary language within the relationship is abuse and you are a powerful person trying hard not to be swept away.

The desperation to hold onto the relationship is what adds to this for me and his casual "find another cunt" attitude creates an impression of you being the one holding on.

theghostinthedishwasher · 20/12/2012 13:29

but offred you do take on someone's issues when you marry them, which is why it is a mistake, from everyone's point of view, to marry someone who has issues you can't/don't want to deal with.

I think it's quite possible the OP should leave the marriage - esp. as I get the impression he has violent habits that have been discussed on other threads? - but she also needs to figure why she made the choices that ended up in this situation, otherwise the same thing will happen again.

sorry OP we seem to be talking over you, what do you think?

likeatonneofbricks · 20/12/2012 13:30

lied*

sleepyhead · 20/12/2012 13:31

I had a friend who said that about depression. She couldn't understand how people could say they were depressed when they just needed to choose to be happy, choose to snap out of it, choose to get help, choose not to be such self-indulgent wankers.

Then she got severe, clinical depression and was off work for almost a year. She doesn't see things as so black and white now. Yes, we all make choices but making good choices is not always so easy for everyone.

Xmaspuddingsaga · 20/12/2012 13:32

I think YABU. My DH returned to work 2 years ago after 18m of being a SAHD. It was similar to your situation in that he wasn't fufilled in that role. Since then I have had to continue to support him, because having time out will hinder your prospects and at the end of the day I love him and want him to be happy.

Offred · 20/12/2012 13:33

Issues are not always apparent when you marry someone. No-one should ever think they have to put up with something shit just because they are married. I don't see where the legal contract says that. I can see where you are coming from with the explanatory comment but that line is what keeps people in crappy relationships when you could equally say when you get married you owe it to the other person to sort out your issues and not put them onto the family.