Would I be unreasonable to stop supporting DH financially

[needsomeperspective]

I work full time. Have 2 children aged 1 and 2. We have a nanny who also does washing ironing and a lot of cleaning. My DH works part time.

When we got married my DH left his job so he could move to the country I was living in. He has only ever worked sporadically since. This has been going on for over 3 years.

I work in a very demanding job where I am very stressed and stretched.

He is a part time tradesman. He appears in my view to make very little effort to follow up or generate work, shows little drive or ambition has to be prodded to return client phone calls and is just generally very unmotivated and unreliable. He is a clown with the kids who love him but I'm starting to hold in in contempt and feel very resentful that he isn't contributing more, making more effort to find work and basically thinking he is a lazy cock lodging bastard.

I pay his mortgage (which isn't fully covered by the income from his genants) credit card payments, loan repayments from before he met me and am getting fucking sick of it.

He gives me most of his wages when he get them to go towards bills but its a drop in the ocean. He isn't profligate and doesn't go out much so I can't say he is throwing money around but he significantly adds to our cost of living. Things like occasional golf games, dinners out, nothing unreasonable.

I am just getting sick of it. When he was a say at home dad I could cope with it. But now we have a nanny I'm not entirely sure what I am actually getting out of this relationship.

He does clean and do DIY and he drives me to work an back every day as we only have one car but honestly I often think I would be better off f he just fucked off because I wouldn't be having to pay for all his stuff every month. If he was a really hard worker I would be more patient but he lets clients down and let's jobs go because he is just lazy and disorganized.

Would it be unreasonable for me to say "right, from January you will have to be responsible for your own mortgage, credit card and loan payments. So I'd get looking for work if I were you!"

Well, yes. If he's depressed, he needs to try to get well. If he's lazy, he needs to get his act in gear.

It's not fair to cause a lot of debt and expect someone else to dig you out of it, while you work when it suits you.

It's not fair to demand housekeeping standards from your partner that you yourself have more time to keep the place up to, when she works fulltime & cooks for you.

I know shape up or ship out sound horrible but it's actually how I feel a lot of the time.

I don't nag or badger him. He does have anxiety issues for which he is medicated. And I acknowledge that is probably a contributory factor.

But he won't help himself!

I've been brought up to work hard and take pride in what you do. To live up to your duties to others and take responsibility for yourself

He hasn't had that upbringing and there are many reasons why he is the way he is (OCD / anxiety issues, abusive childhood, poor self esteem etc.) but when the hell does an adult finay have to stand up an take responsibility for themselves and their actions. These things are not excuses to continue to be a sub-functional part of the family unit.

He has had therapy, which he didn't bother to continue. He takes medication to help his anxiety issues. He has nothing in the world to actually worry about because I provide him with a lovely easy lifeste pay all his bills and basically ask nothing from him except to Truro e generally pleasant company and not a moody git more often than not.

I'm just wondering when, if ever, it's my turn to be indulged, looked after, paid for and back stopped. Or if is always going to be me who has to be the one sorting out the problems and paying for his mistakes.

This is really more of a vent than anything else. I kind if do that on here. I don't want to vent about him to friends as it feels disloyal and I don't want to have an "unconstructive" conversation with him where I explode and it all comes out wrong. So I thought if I got all my anger and frustration out here maybe I could address it better with him.

Perhaps you could try relationship counselling together? Talking things through with someone independent who will hopefully keep things constructive and calm?

Not sure that is a box I want to open....

I've taken the view so far that no body is perfect... And tried to look at the good points. But I just want him to start pulling his weight financially. The stress of carrying everything myself is killing me. If money wasn't tight it probably wouldn't bother me so much. But it is. And it does.

Presumably he had these problems when you met him? They have probably been exacerbated with changing countries. I think you've summed up the problem pretty succintly in your last post OP. I don't think it's true he has nothing to worry about. If he has anxiety problems he probably has a lot! I realise you probably feel like you're carrying it all on your shoulders which if you're stressed at work too will be affecting you and that's not healthy for you. Your difference in coping skills will be magnified a hundredfold in a new place. Is there a chance of moving back to his country?

Ask him to stop doing the things he can't afford (Golf for example) and stop doing his washing/ironing etc.

He has nothing in the world to actually worry about because I provide him with a lovely easy lifestyle pay all his bills and basically ask nothing from him

OP, you sound rather controlling. You seem to think that you get to make all the decisions in the family, because you're the one earning the most, and that he should should shut up and be grateful to you for that!

If the situation was reversed, most people would be telling you your relationship is abusive and based on manipulation, even narcissism!

Your husband sounds depressed, and I would say he has pretty good reason to be

He left his job and his home to follow you to a different country.
Had he lived abroad before? Did he really know what to expect? Men can also get homesick, you know!

You didn't think he did a good enough job as a SAHD, so you hired a nanny to replace him. Did you discuss this ahead of time? How did he feel about being a full-time dad? Was it a choice or simply a default option because he had no job at the time?

You pushed him to start a business, which you're now telling him how to run!
Some people aren't cut out for self-employment; maybe he would be happier finding a salaried position? Is he fluent in the language of your current location?

I would say you need to start by improving your communication as a couple, asking him what he would like to change in your current set-up and then start making decisions together, rather than you calling all the shots and moaning when he doesn't behave the way you would like!

You will end up getting ill or having a breakdown. You need support as well.

I don't think trying to look past the problems and never facing up to them is the way forward - you can't keep that up forever. Your resentment is pretty big now, if you don't make some changes, it will simply grow until there's nothing good left between you.

I'm just wondering when, if ever, it's my turn to be indulged, looked after, paid for and back stopped. Or if is always going to be me who has to be the one sorting out the problems and paying for his mistakes. Neither.

You get to stop looking after him and enabling him, if that is what you want to do. He will not finally have to stand up an take responsibility for themselves and their actions. These things are not excuses to continue to be a sub-functional part of the family unit. if he is allowed to continue being a child. You are allowed to stop enabling him and make him responsible for himself. You do not need to have a parent-child relationship with him, if you don't want to.

You are also allowed to take the energy that you put into looking after him and use it to start making you happy and look after yourself. It is not healthy to expect another person to be the source of your own happiness and fulfillment and vice versa, but it is healthy to expect you to do that for yourself. You are not responsible for him whatever his issues are, they do not absolve him from being responsible for his own behaviour.

I don't do his washing and ironing thankfully. I would have killed him by now if I was doing all that as well.

He THINKS he has a lot to worry about because he worries about everything whether its rational or not. But he is so busy worrying about things he isn't doing anything to fix the things he is worrying about an just creating more real issues to add to the other random issues which cause him worry!

I read his promotional report before we married and it describes a person who is dependable, efficient, forceful, who is highly recommended for a position of responsibility.

I don't know where that guy went but I'd like to marry him now please.

I've suggested exercise, medication changes, counselling, tried to take pressure off, tried encouragement, tried sympathy, tried practical assistance.

The only thing left I think is giving him a swift kick up the pants and saying I am just NOT paying for him any more. He has to start at least covering his own costs. If less pressure and mollycoddling didn't work maybe some tough love and refusing to support him anymore will.

At least it might take away some. My resentment and anger. Although I suspect it may well increase his!

I disagree that the OP sounds controlling, she sounds frustrated.

And the OP is not at fault if he has anxiety/depression/whatever. He could have therapy but chooses not to. He could choose to go home if he is homesick etc.

The more I read the more I think that the man might be better off on his own.

It seems that his childhood and early life experiences are not the only causes of his anxiety and depression. Op, you sound quite demanding and controlling and somewhat contradictory.

basically ask nothing from him except to Truro e generally pleasant company and not a moody git more often than not

but that isn't what you are asking of him?

because you want him to work harder, earn more, do more and take more of more of the responsibility from you.

Presumably you knew this man, his personality, his motivations, ambitions, achievements and had some idea about his capacity to earn before you married him?????

I think you would both be better off on your own, you clearly have no respect for him and he will probably never measure up.

He was probably that person because he was in a job he could do and successful. Ring any bells?

Last time you complained about him I'm sure I said it sounds as if he is still negatively affected by his childhood and I'm sure you shouted me down saying he is fine because he is on these magic pills which make it all go away, you are fine, it is all fine you just expect he shags you more because you depend on it for stress relief...

The whole thing is messed up. You can't make him responsible for shagging away your work stress, he CLEARLY has issues which still negatively affect his day to day life in many areas and it sounds like you don't talk to him, just keep a secret list of his every crime against you totally silently until you explode and tell him because he isn't organising his life how you want he has to leave.

You've picked someone with issues, he has anger issues doesn't he? I get the impression you are quite proud; I wonder if you are afraid to talk to him because he can be angry and aggressive but don't want to admit that because you are the "strong one".

You don't have to be with him through bad treatment of you just because he has issues, but if you love each other you should be able to talk because it is not reasonable to keep Schtum and then explode or dictate he changes himself. If you don't respect him because of his attitude to work (I suspect the changing appointments and not pushing it is related to the anxiety) that isn't going to change anytime soon and it's no victory even if you manage to threaten him into action because it is just you taking responsibility for your joint life yet again. Make your decision about your relationship based on who he is not who he might be if he gets better/does the things you want.

This is a circular "shape up or ship out" "made your bed..." Argument isn't it?

I'm amazed at the harsh responses criticising you OP, when you are doing so much in the relationship and your DH so little. At the moment, he seems to be the priority and its not a relationship of equals - even if you had chosen for him to be a SAHD (which you haven't), the having to hire a nanny means he has abdicated even that responsibility. And you also cook his dinner and get nagged about the house!

I think you need to make sure your priorities are met. Of course you seem controlling - you have to be - you are the one making sure the bills get paid and the household is organised!

Clearly he can work, so I guess when you met him, you had no idea that these traits would surface? Perhaps he is someone who cannot motivate himself but needs someone to tell him what to do.

So I guess it comes down to whether he is so much of a drain it negates any gain you get from his company and having him around?

OP, in your last post, you are talking about him as if he were a child. Taking responsibility for him, using terms like tough love. It's very unhealthy and there is clearly a real imbalance of power in your relationship.

I read his promotional report before we married and it describes a person who is dependable, efficient, forceful, who is highly recommended for a position of responsibility

you ask where that man went? he obviously left some time ago, maybe when he married you?

I read his promotional report before we married and it describes a person who is dependable, efficient, forceful, who is highly recommended for a position of responsibility.

I don't know where that guy went but I'd like to marry him now please.

You sound like his boss, not his wife!

How long were you a couple before you got married? Had you ever lived in the same country or was it a long-distance relationship?

It honestly reads like you ordered yourself a husband online and are now unhappy with what you received

Surely you knew about the anxiety, knew his personality etc before you agreed to get married? Unless it was an arranged marriage or something...

VitaminC - he didn't really have a home. He was military and moved around all the time on deployments. He is not homesick. He has been here nearly 4 years. We have a very wide friendship group and he Ian close to his own family except his sister who we see on visits.

He didn't ENJOY being a stay at home dad and was an awful moody asshole. So we got the Nanny. He wasn't mad about having children at all because they are too much effort. But he went along with it. He would rather have had it just the two of us living a more luxurious life (still on my salary I assume). Saying that he adores our kids. As long as he isn't trapped in the house with them for long periods.

I've asked him what he wants to change and he says he wants to work and earn more. But consistently fails to put in the requisite effort to make that happen. E would like to lose weight but won't eat less or go to the gym. He would like to have more disposable income but has no ideas as to how to effect that. He would like to sleep better but wont sleep in the spare room, use the ear plugs he has to block out my nighttime chatter r take the pills he was prescribed.

All the things he wants he expects to just happen miraculously without any effort from him.

I dont think the op is controlling at all.

Shes heavily put on by her husband, he thinks this is a free life.

Op im wondering if your dh would pull his finger out and get back to customers if he had bills to pay?

At the moment hes no reason to push for work as his outgoings are paid for whether he works or not.

Maybe you arent suited? It sounds like you would be better suited to someone who has some drive and career ambition in them.

I think your a strong woman actually

Tell him the things you want him to do, like have dinner ready for x o'clock, daily tasks, weekly tasks, monthly tasks.

Does he know how stressful and difficult you are finding it to keep you all going financially?

I would ask him if he'd rather lose the nanny or work? Tell him the budgetting issues you have, ask him what he can do about it. Don't accept his first answers about how problematic his work is, ask him why (don't tell him) and listen to what he says. Keep prodding, and asking why he thinks what he thinks and what he thinks he can do about it.

Or just vent here which can help in the very short, immediate term when you are feeling explosively frustrated

Jux this is a marriage we're talking about. The OP shouldn't 'tell" him anything. He's not an employee. They should talk, definitely.

Btw, OP if he was in the military he was told what to do. Self employment probably isn't for him. Any chance of him having a salaried job?

If a man posted the crap the OP is saying it would get reported.

I am hiding this thread now because the blantant abusive nature of the posts and the way people are sympathising with them is making me feel sick.

You know it's not his earning power which is te issue. I don't want him to earn a lot. I want him to TRY as hard as he can (ad as hard I I try at my job). I want him to show some bloody get up and go. Some sense of responsibility.

The sex thing incidentally we worked out pretty well and hasn't been an issue for ages.

But that could be because I'm often disinclined to wan to sleep with him because I am resentful and stressed at having an enormous mountain of bills to cover while he moans about the car not having been serviced for too long.

And promotional stuff is just that... Basically absolute bollocks...

Also, whoever said about being self-employed being a different kettle of fish makes an excellent point. People who are exceptionally conscientious and responsible workers can be exceptionally poor at running their own business and not necessarily because they are crap.

I can see how it would be extra hard if you have anxiety, think he kind of has a point about his worrying. However he refuses to get real help and this is unacceptable. He cannot expect the world to carry him because he refuses help to function that is there. If he wants to wallow he needs to be single so that there aren't people depending on him.

Fundamentally I think you need to see that you are doing the same thing about your relationship that he is doing about his life. Things are not going to change if he doesn't change them and you can't make him so you are left getting wound up and complaining about how miserable you are with him but you aren't willing to do anything to actually change things for yourself, you're putting things all in his hands...