Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

If the relationship really was all that you describe it to be - a once in a lifetime/soulmates etc, he would have left his wife to be with you.

He would not be able to be apart from you
His love for his wife would have died a death right then and there

He is still with her. He will always be with her

This means that if you want to live a life with any kind of integrity/self respect, you have to walk away now. It will hurt and you will cry for a few weeks, but it is the only 'right' option, for him, for his wife and mostly for you

You know what you need to do then, you need to stop all contact with him and give yourself time to get over it. You are caught away with something that isn't real. It's fantasy, all the good bits and none of the bad and none of the drudge. He is the man you lost all respect for within your own marriage, you are just so swept away you cannot see that.

What I have with this man is like something I have never felt before and I know that he feels the same

No you don't know what he feels OP, no-one knows what another person really feels.

Mind you I'd go with the "I love my wife" on this as that's what he's said.

I found out in my 30's that my mother was having an affair that spanned 10 years when she was with my father.

I'm with cliff, don't lie to your kids.

Lying to his kids does.

And your partner is a shit father and husband.

It's never easy leaving someone, but better to leave on a good note than leave because she's found out and is taking the kids. To leave when you know that your partner is and his wife are having screaming rows about his infidelity in front of the kids. Perhaps she will even confront you in front of your kids. Many do.

You need to look long and hard at yourself and ask why you are in love with someone who lies to his wife every time he sees you. With someone who lies to his kids about where he is going. Someone who is a cheat. Someone who isn't actually that much in love with you that he would consider leaving a woman he regularly cheats on.

You need to have counselling to resolve the issues you clearly have. Perhaps once you begin to understand why you are making these decisions you will find the strength to stop.

If it's too hard to walk away now, to go cold turkey, then get help for yourself. Because your situation is not normal and it's not really very healthy either. With outside help you might just be able to carve an honest, truthful and faithful life for yourself.

If you carry on however, it will end in destruction and heartbreak.

'But you HAVE done this before.

Your OP says - met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year

This is the second time you have "done this before." '

I met someone else and went home and told my husband that very night that I wanted to end our marriage! I dont think I could have been much more honest than that. I didnt end my marriage for anyone else, or leave for him, it only lasted a few weeks.

I was faithful our entire marriage and the fling with the other man only happened after I had separated from OH.

I don't think you should 'find someone single'.

I think you should be single yourself for a while. From what you've posted, your esteem is wrapped up in men and their attachments to you.

It will be hard to walk away and much harder for you than it will be for him.

But do you really think you can't do it? Do you have such a low opinion of your character and willpower?

You've always needed another man to make decisions about your life, haven't you?

Don't you think it's time you were independent and made your own decisions?

I feel sad for you. If you think this man loves you, you are deluded. He is using you. You can't see it now, because you are blinded by love, but you will, the day he drops you either for his wife, or someone else.

At the moment you are a convenient low maintenance mistress, and he is busy having it all. His wife will know something isn't right, because partners who are having affairs are utter shits to live with (but you don't need me to tell you that). I think your perfect little world where you love him, and he 'loves' you will very soon implode, and you'll either be dropped like a hot potato, or she'll throw him out and you'll have a bitter man with all his problems on your doorstep. Having an affair with a married man who doesn't want to leave his cosy family set up is never a good idea, as the second you decide you have fallen for him, you become a liability to him, and you set yourself up for heart ache.

'And your partner is a shit father and husband.'

Why is he? because he had affairs years ago, that makes him a shit father forever.

No point in me having any counselling then ! I had better go and top myself for everyones sake!

Mumsnet is not a good place to post about this sort of thing OP - check out the Ending Affair Support page on ivillage. People are kinder there.

Trust me, he doesn't 'feel the same' as you. He might say he does, but if he loves his wife and doesn't want to leave her, he really doesn't feel as strongly as you do about him.

You must know that deep down, don't you?

I'm not saying he doesn't have some regard for you, but it's nowhere near the depth he has for his wife. All you're seeing is the first year of a relationship when feelings run high but not deep. If this wasn't an affair, his feelings wouldn't be even as strong as they seem now. Some of what you're seeing is because it's a secret affair.

What guarantee have you got that this is the chap's first affair? If you end it, how do you know he won't simply find another mistress? Quite honestly, I bet he's lying to you. Don't forget, in order to lie effectively, your bloke must be a good actor.

In any case, as people here are saying, there must be others in your life who know about your ex's affairs, or your affair. Once your children are adults, other adults will quite happily tell them, assuming that your DC knew all along and as adults they wouldn't be upset to hear.

I'm certain my dad had a short lived affair when I was a teenager, I wondered at the time if he was, from things happening around the house. As an adult, one or two people mentioned gossip they'd heard but I ignored it as I had already seen by then my parents marriage was stronger than ever.

There is every chance your DCs will find out, maybe not for some years, but you won't be able to hide it for ever.

I don't think you can be a good parent if you are not also a decent human being. A good parent instills values and morals into thei children. How can you do this for your children, if you don't have any?

A good parent will go to great lengths to avoid bringing hurt and disruption into their children's lives. Your lover is NOT a good parent.

onlyjustgettingby your partner is a shit husband and father - not your ex.

Your current partner is because he is a lying cheat who is currently lying to his wife and lying to his children whilst telling you that he is an honest man.

Your ex I don't know. He might tell the kids about his affairs himself. It's only you who seems to be so determined that the children know nothing of anyone having affairs. So presumably you lie to your children too then, about your current partner?

What a tangled web of lies you weave.

I don't think that having an affair necessarily makes you a bad Father/Mother.

A thoughtless and selfish one, yes.

My parents are not without faults but I do love them and know they love me. Their marriage has taught me that I'd never do that to my children or anyone elses.

OP, why did you post here?
You do not want advice at all. If you were expecting affirmation for your behaviour, I think its pretty obvious from the responses you are not going to get it.

You know deep down this will not end well, you will not be able to protect your children from the fallout. Once his wife finds out (and believe me she will) you have no control over her reaction or behaviour.

You are playing a very dangerous game, and my suggestion to you is end it while you still have some measure of control. This way only your feelings will be hurt, no-one elses.
Think very carefully, the possible outcome of continuing this could be catastrophic especially to all the DC's involved.
Can you be that cruel???

What are you getting from this affair with the OM (apart from the obvious?). Do you WANT him to leave his wife and kids for you?
Has he told you they are not sleeping together? (Oh, I bet they are!)

I wonder if you are getting a kick out of doing to his wife what was done to you by your husbands' mistresses - very unhealthy and second best too - especially as he has said he doesn't want to leave her and the children.

I wouldn't ever want to be someone's bit on the side or second thought ( which you are by the way) I wouldn't think that little of myself for starters.

How often do you get to see him? How old are his children? Do you think he will wait until they're older to be with you?

'good' parents do not lie to the other parent, deceive the other parent and probably cause massive emotional hurt to the other parent.

Because that is very likely going to impact on the children.

You might be a superficially 'nice' person, albeit selfish, cowardly and weak when you lie to other people in pursuit of your own needs. But you are emphatically NOT a 'good parent'. Nor a good person, full stop.

Of course people fall in love with other people all the time. So do the decent thing, be honest, leave the one you don't love. Otherwise you are a thief of their time, their hopes and their needs, stopping them moving on and finding someone they could love who would love them back.

This makes me so angry. Do it if you can't help yourself but don't expect most sane people to give you a moral get out of jail free card.

Thanks again for all your replies.

I have said a couple of times why I posted, I have also apologised if I have upset anyone.

There are many people who have affairs, for many reasons, I understand that it must be hard for someone who isnt in there to get why people do it.

I dont think it makes someone a bad person, or a bad father or mother, but that is just my opinion.

And for all the words meant to hurt me, none of those I dont already know myself, but thanks anyway :-) I know I am in second place and I know that he wont leave for me, I know it has to end, but I have explained why I find that hard to do.

I wish things were different, but they are not, I can only do my best with what life throws at me.

I wish things were different, but they are not, I can only do my best with what life throws at me.

Do you realise how passive that sounds?

Things could be different if you choose for them to be different.

You didn't react to what life 'threw' at you. You decided to have an affair with a married father.

Just get on with being a grown-up without a man propping you up.

Your life can be very different if you choose differently. You are not a passive victim of circumstances.

I am not a passive person, quite the opposite.

I know that I chose to have the affair, what I mean is that I can only deal with what life throws at me now, i.e. my feelings and what I am left to deal with.

I am doing my best with whatever decisions I make.

I am by no means a little girl who needs a man to prop me up.

in·fat·u·a·tion (-fch-shn)
n.

1. A foolish, unreasoning, or extravagant passion or attraction. See Synonyms at love.
2. An object of extravagant, short-lived passion.

infatuation [ɪnˌfætjʊˈeɪʃən]
n

1. the act of infatuating or state of being infatuated
2. foolish or extravagant passion
3. an object of foolish or extravagant passion

but you know this anyway :(

My words weren't meant to hurt you - if they sounded harsh, it's maybe because are probably true.

The man you're with is probably more attractive to you because he is 'playing' the good husband and father by staying with his wife but lying to everyone along the way. I'm sure he seems very genuine and plausible to you but then he would be, would've he? You're his cake and he's eating we'll!

What I meant was - do you not think you deserve somebody that doesn't have to lie to be with you ( he could well be giving the same lines to other women too - who knows?) Put him on a diet and do yourself a favour and find somebody who isn't lying to you.

Life does not throw things at you. You make choices in life.

You do sound as though you are shrugging off any kind of responsibility here. You stated that you had an unhappy marriage almost as a kind of excuse for your affair. You state constantly that you can't help loving him, that you can't leave him and you can't help what life throws at you.

Do you see the pattern? It's as if you don't want to take responsibility, you'd rather pretend that you have no choice in the matter. However you do have a choice.

These words are not meant to hurt, they are meant to lift the blinds from your eyes. My mother ended up lying so much to everyone that she believed her lies. She also doesn't take responsibility for her actions and always used to go on about fate and how fate controlled everything so that nothing was her fault.

She is now 70 and still destroying lives with her lies. You are not. If I could go back in time I would like to shake my mother and slap some sense into her. I can't but I can try and slap some sense into you and prevent you from making the same mistake.

Wake up. Life is full of choices and you have made yours. You need to find out why you are making these choices and why you are living these lies. What are you hiding from? Why are you so afraid of the truth?

You don't have to listen to me, but I don't want to see your children go down the same road that my siblings and I went down. Neither do I want to see his children hurt and have their lives shattered by the pair of you either.

Your lies are so convincing that you are now lying to yourself. You pretend that no-one will ever find out. You pretend that he loves you and you alone. You pretend that you could never love anyone like him. You want to believe his lies and so you do.

It's all a fabrication and yes, it will all end in a way that will be devastating. You have the power to end this and turn your life around. You have that choice. Please make it.