Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

When were you last single then and for how long?

Why did it take an exit affair to leave your marriage?

You've said yourself that people have affairs for lots of reasons. Why do you think his is because you were so special and irresistible when it's obvious to everyone else that you were just 'there' and available?

I was single from october last year to march this year. Before that 15 years ago and I only had one serious relationship before my husband, so I was single on and off for about 9 years.

I met someone and he was nice to me and I realised that I deserved some happiness, so I left an already failing marriage, as I stated before I didnt leave the marriage for anyone else and it only lasted about 3 weeks !

I have never said that he is in an affair because I am special and irrisistable, and I dont see how it is obvious at all that I was just there and available! I have not gone into any detail about how we met, or how we started the affair!it also works both ways, just because I am a woman doesnt mean that I am passive or 'let' him have sex with me, believe it or not I get something out of this too!

OP walk away.

I've been where you are and worse.

I got involved with a MM over ten years ago. I believed we were soulmates, he told me he loved me, but that he had an obligation to his wife and DD. He told me that he wished he'd met me first and that we should have been together.

We saw each other all the time, went on "dates". I was young and naive.

Because I didn't want him to leave I thought I was in control. I wasn't. Over the years things spiraled out of control. I fell very deeply in love. He claimed he felt the same way. We talked about having a child together. At the time I believed in him so strongly that I couldn't recognise that as the insane prospect it was.

Then after 10 years "together" I fell pregnant. He was an arsehole, I was stunned. I had an abortion whilst he was on holiday with his family. It took me two years to gain control of myself whilst he no doubt carried on as normal.

He still calls ocassionaly and genuinely believes he has done nothing but treat me with love and respect. I now see him for what he is and hate him.

How many 'hours' a week do you get?

Will you be booking a romantic getaway where he is going out of the room when his wife rings?

You can't be getting much out of it really.

Hi Onlyjust, I am not going to flame you (I would have a year ago).

You see, I am the wife you described here, and my husband's affair is the affair you describe here. I have ALWAYS known that he lied and lied about how much the OW meant to him.

I have spend the last 3 years trying to work on the marriage and now focussing on working on myself.

The affair you describe is called a 'split self' affair (google Emily Brown). I believe very much the passion and the intensity you describe. I think you are right when you say that you (and he) have never felt this way about anyone else, and that with eachother you feel alive and whole and completed. So it must be love, right?

No. It is because you, and he, are both split. He shows his wife the good, dutiful, nurturing husband side and you the passionate, feeling side. You do the same. A meek, unfeeling wife (and your H - you see the pattern?)

But it, like the other posters say, will not last, and it won't work. It isn't you v. his wife. It is you AND his wife. He literally, cannot and will not choose between you - because you both represent the split within him.

What you both need to do is stop the affair, and go into serious counselling and learn to be 'true to yourselves'. You are not whole, and therefore you are not good partners to other people. You are also teaching your children that certain things are not acceptable.

'You can't be getting much out of it really'

I get what I need, no point in stating the obvious, but it works for both of us, for now. My children come first and always will, I am very busy with work and volunteering and I wouldnt have time for a full time relationship unless someone lived with me, which isnt going to happen.

I dont get a set amount of hours per week ! he's not pay-per-view

I don't assume you get nothing from the relationship. I think you get a kick out of it which isn't just to do with your feelings about him. It's a very dubious way of validating yourself and I can't think you like women very much.

You were single for 5 months and seemed to lurch from one man, to another and then to another. The facts speak for themselves.

If you were a strong character, you'd have spent more time on your own once your exit affair and marriage had broken up. You surely know that.

'Hi Onlyjust, I am not going to flame you (I would have a year ago).

You see, I am the wife you described here, and my husband's affair is the affair you describe here. I have ALWAYS known that he lied and lied about how much the OW meant to him.

I have spend the last 3 years trying to work on the marriage and now focussing on working on myself.

The affair you describe is called a 'split self' affair (google Emily Brown). I believe very much the passion and the intensity you describe. I think you are right when you say that you (and he) have never felt this way about anyone else, and that with eachother you feel alive and whole and completed. So it must be love, right?

No. It is because you, and he, are both split. He shows his wife the good, dutiful, nurturing husband side and you the passionate, feeling side. You do the same. A meek, unfeeling wife (and your H - you see the pattern?)

But it, like the other posters say, will not last, and it won't work. It isn't you v. his wife. It is you AND his wife. He literally, cannot and will not choose between you - because you both represent the split within him.

What you both need to do is stop the affair, and go into serious counselling and learn to be 'true to yourselves'. You are not whole, and therefore you are not good partners to other people. You are also teaching your children that certain things are not acceptable'

Thanks and I really hope things work out for you.

I spent 8 years working on my marriage to my husband after I found out he was unfaithful, it worked to a certain extent, but as this thread shows, it caught up with me in the end..

I think abit is absolutely right, if you have any sense you will listen to her.

Honestly, this cannot possibly end well. Leaving aside moral issues, and looking at it logically, how can this end well? Without one or both/all of you being torn apart?

I am wasting my time here.

Yes OP you are getting something out of this. Yippee. I'm so pleased that all those lies and the deceit is leaving you with something after all. That when his wife and kids finally find out, it won't have all been for nothing because you will have benefitted whilst it was good. And you can tell that to your own kids too when they are older and start asking questions - if you aren't still maintaining the lies that is.

You are both benefitting from being deceitful, selfish and manipulative. So you are both made for each other. Break open the champagne.

I'm sorry I wasted my time in trying to converse with you.

'I don't assume you get nothing from the relationship. I think you get a kick out of it which isn't just to do with your feelings about him. It's a very dubious way of validating yourself and I can't think you like women very much.

You were single for 5 months and seemed to lurch from one man, to another and then to another. The facts speak for themselves.

If you were a strong character, you'd have spent more time on your own once your exit affair and marriage had broken up. You surely know that'

You couldnt have me more wrong if you tried :-)

I most definitely dont dislike women! I have a lot of friends both male and female and whilst a couple of them know what I am involved in, most dont, but would probably come to me first if they had a problem, I like being nice to peope and people generally like me.

I was single for 5 months? how is that lurching from one man to another? I actually still see myself as single now anyway!

Damn! certain emotions are not acceptable.

Now I am going to say the things that are more difficult. YOU do not 'make' him feel this intensity, it doesn't come from you, but from him, he just doesn't realise this yet. He doesn't love you for you, you are a projection which gives him permission to feel intense emotions. Which is why, when (notice the when) his wife finds out, you will get dumped. Because you don't represent reality. These things come from waaaay before you, they come from his childhood, and you recognised eachother because you have the same issues. So does his wife.

I would just like to tell you about my pain and humiliation from being that wife. You see, I always hated his 'goody goody' act. I hated the good Catholic boy he had to be for his mother. I always told him to stop putting me on a pedestal and get real. He never understood what I was talking about. And when I had my first child, I remember the split happening: since that day I became housewife and mother and ceased to be a person, no matter how much I tried to talk about it.

So to find out that he felt deeply and passionately about another person has been the biggest hurt of my life. No one will ever hurt me like that again. I wanted to be the one he showed his alive side to, I was the one who always longed for affection. It kills me, the details of his affair. Why couldn't he do those things with me? Why couldn't he desire me like that? He lies to this day about the intensity, but he forgets I witnessed it, his connection with her (although at the time I had no idea what was wrong, and he said he was having a hard time at work and was depressed). I watched him agonise about who to choose. I have scars on my heart that go deep.

Rationally, I know these are problems waaaaay before I showed up. I am angry I wasted my heart on someone this fucked up. But I have to work on my split self too: my squashing of my needs, not feeling worth making demands, going along with his shit. So I am working on becoming whole and validating my own worth. That he won't is his problem and it will be the cause of his losing his family.

Final thing: do not kid yourself for a moment that your children don't know. They know. And not talking about this stuff, leaves them feeling confused and to blame. They get huge shame and trust issues.

Sorry I have gone on, but google 'split self affairs emily brown'. You will find yourself there. Please stop doing this, please don't add pain to the world. Don't help him be so dishonest - with HIMSELF. Don't hurt other people who have done nothing to you.

I haven't got you wrong at all.

You cannot like women if you're prepared to blank out and erase one of them for your own selfish reasons.

5 months is nothing after the break up of two relationships, even if one was short-lived.

If you thought of yourself as single then you'd be seeing other men.

You're deluding yourself about your own character as much as what this affair means. You're deluding yourself about your parenting too.

You like being nice to people. But you don't even think about his wife.

To put it politely, you are deluded.

I dont think it makes someone a bad person, or a bad father or mother, but that is just my opinion.

I guess that depends on what exactly you think a parent should be doing in order to qualify as a good mother/father. For me, it means respecting their other parent and teaching moral values, in addition to providing love, food, shelter etc.

You say that you always put your children first, but what about the wife's children? You are actively helping her husband to trash their stable home. Or do you take the view that they are not your problem?

'If you thought of yourself as single then you'd be seeing other men.'

Why? do all single people have to be seeing someone ?

I have been on dates with other men.

Leave him. Get some therapy. You need it. That is the advice you are getting.

But you won't take it will you? Why on earth did you even start this and waste everyone's time?

A few crumbs of nice sex is worth not giving your children all the attention they deserve. Or are you going to say you don't give this man a seconds thought while you are with your kids?

You say in your title it is a mess. Why carry it on then?

Just admit you want to carry on fucking this man and don't give a shit about his wife rather than making it out you have no control over things.

I started a thread just a few hours ago and you expect me to post on here that everything is fine and sorted out?

How do you know i havent taken the advice? I have said several times thanks for the advice! what more do you want ? if its wasting your time why are you still posting?

I don't think you particularly care about anyone but yourself - you say you want to protect YOUR children by not telling them anything. What happens when somebody else tells them or they overhear a phone call?

I think you are getting a kick out of the fact it is all secretive and that you have something that his wife doesn't know about.

How do you know that you're the first affair that she's had? Because he told you? He's already convincingly lying to the woman who's known him for so long.
You were just there and you were just available even if you try and kid yourself that you are something special.

'A few crumbs of nice sex is worth not giving your children all the attention they deserve. Or are you going to say you don't give this man a seconds thought while you are with your kids?'

I think about him all the time. 24/7 how do you turn that off?

Sorry about my posting too soon, OP, it should all have read as one (doesn't make sense how it is).

You say: I like being nice to peope and people generally like me. - this is the split self! It is giving and giving and giving and giving and not saying or even allowing 'what about me? Who is giving to me?' So along comes this lovely man who says 'I see you. I like you. etc' calling to that hidden lost part of you, and it is irresistable!

But ... he is STILL caretaking, and he is burned out doing this with his family! So IT WON'T LAST.

The only solution OP is for you to withdraw, go into counselling and work on yourself. You see, when you look after yourself, be your best champion, you will develop boundaries and no longer let people such you dry, and you will be available for truly intimacy, which is saying who you are and being accepted for that.

I can't flame you OP because you are me. The only thing I haven't done is have an affair, but I know the loneliness and the longing to be seen and heard. It's also why I am starting to forgive my H and let go, because that was his longing too.

Take care, look after yourself, because you are worth it.

No single people don't have to be seeing anyone.

But you seem to have trouble with this. You've been in two illicit relationships (bet the first one was attached too incidentally) and you've been dating other men as well.

If you're changing your story now and this married man is just one of many ego boosts, it should be easy to walk away and this thread is just another drama of yours.

'I think about him all the time. 24/7 how do you turn that off?' - that is addiction and the only way to deal with addiction is to go cold turkey.

And start counselling.

As you argue against 99% of what others say, I am taking a wild guess you won't be following their advice any time soon.