Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

Whilst I get the breaking the kids hearts part, my children will never ever know that my husband had affairs, that is frankly nothing to do with the relationship that they have with their Dad and I would hope that if it ever did come out his children would be treated with that respect too.

What goes on between consenting adults should be kept that way, this is between me and him and his wife, not their children.

*Reasons for having an affair?

Loneliness, feeling unloved, lack of sex, feeling unworthy.*

In all honesty it's just no strings shagging.

Nothing would make me feel more unworthy than shagging someone else's husband and the father of 3 children thinking that they were part of a happy family.

soory denial sp

Your only viable option is for him to leave his wife and start behaving decently to both of you. How do you imagine that this can continue long term?
You need to find your self respect because you are way down there being walked all over. He's a shit, you are being selfish and weak and this situation is a horrible mess.

What goes on between consenting adults should be kept that way, this is between me and him and his wife, not their children.

Good luck with that. So his wife is consenting for her seemingly loving husband to be shagging you on the side is she?

"What goes on between consenting adults should be kept that way, this is between me and him and his wife"

You mean his wife is fully informed and has consented?

The great romantic in me is happy to believe you are soulmates, but if you are you would want to be together all the time wouldn't you?

I wouldn't want to share.my soulmate with anyone else.

Juggling, this isn't a relationship break-up, this is a married man whose wife knows nothing of his affair and would doubtless be heartbroken if she found out.

Let's concentrate on his wife shall we? A woman the OP does not know and has not bothered to find out about. The woman who originally married this man and who bore his kids. Who no doubt loves him, who may even be a Mumsnetter herself. She thinks that her husband loves and her may even swear blind that he would never ever cheat on her. Because we all think we know our partners don't we?

So would you say that she is stupid for having such a blind faith in her husband who we all now know is cheating on her? Yet this cheat has the gall to say that he would never cheat again and never has done before. No doubt he is telling his wife that he would never cheat on her and is not having an affair.

OP, don't you get it? He is lying to his wife.

Everytime he sees you he is lying to her.

Yet you think that this liar, who can blatantly lie to a woman he says he loves, would tell YOU the truth? Really? You see no irony in there?

And your children. Let's think about them. They have a father who has already shown them how not to conduct a relationship by cheating on their mother. Now they have a mother who is encouraging someone else to cheat on their wife. Great example you are setting there! What a lovely view of marriage, love and loyalty they will have!

Well done you.

Suppose the inevitable happens and he is found out? Because I don't think anyone can have an affair forever and not eventually get caught. So, if you are still contributing to this thread can I just ask what you will do if he is caught by his wife? You must have discussed it with him, so what did you both say?

"Reasons for having an affair?

Loneliness, feeling unloved, lack of sex, feeling unworthy."

Think about what you're saying OP. These are the reasons this guy is seeing you. Don't you want to be loved for more crucial, tangible things (ie. yourself) rather than as a part time top-up of whatever percentage of stuff his marriage isn't currently providing?

I think women who've been married to a cheat often go down two different forks in the road.

One is never to visit that pain on another woman.

The other is to take out all the hurt on other women.

You've chosen the second path and there's a reason for it. If you had strong self-respect and a good relationship with yourself you'd never have entertained this.

There's a clue to your character in that you had an exit affair yourself instead of leaving your marriage cleanly.

You might be someone who always needs a man to prop you up.

This relationship's going nowhere. He loves his wife more than he loves you and he'll only leave when she finds out and he's got no choice. He might not want you then but even if he did, you'd be second best.

'And your children. Let's think about them. They have a father who has already shown them how not to conduct a relationship by cheating on their mother. Now they have a mother who is encouraging someone else to cheat on their wife. Great example you are setting there! What a lovely view of marriage, love and loyalty they will have!'

Had to pick up on this.

There is no way will my children EVER find out that their father was unfaithful to me. Ever. And to be perfectly honest I cant believe that any parent would let a child know that !

What I have also known in these situations is that when the cheating man's wife finds out, he leaves

But not for the OW

She is simply collateral damage, and her "boyfriend" very quickly moves onto some other gullible, star-struck (lonely) woman

'When she finds out and kicks her excuse of a DH to the kerb and makes it as difficult as possible for him to see them, they won't suffer?'

Are you serious? I dont know many people who would use their children as pawns to get back at their ex! nice !

OP, perhaps you can control what you tell your children, but you cannot influence what others may tell them.

"There is no way will my children EVER find out that their father was unfaithful to me."

So their father and his OW are dead, and no-one else ever knew why you split?

Naive much?

onlyjustgettingby "There is no way will my children EVER find out that their father was unfaithful to me. Ever. And to be perfectly honest I cant believe that any parent would let a child know that !"

When I was about 20, my two sisters and I found out that my dad had been serially unfaithful to my mum. They are still together after over 40 years of marriage, but it's been an extremely troubled, turbulent and in many ways unhappy 40 years (they are also still good friends who love each other, despite everything).

I won't go into details of how we found out but you have no way of being so sure. Chances are your children will find out, and chances are your current shag's children will find out too. They may even find out who you are.

You are living in a bubble and this is one of many delusions that won't last.

There is no way will my children EVER find out that their father was unfaithful to me. Ever. And to be perfectly honest I cant believe that any parent would let a child know that !

Why is that so important to you?

I know that he isnt truly happy

Oh please....

The reason he's having an affair is because he's selfish enough to want two relationships side by side. He's told you he loves his wife and doesn't want to leave her. So he's not 'staying for the children' or any of the other guff you're probably projecting on to him, despite what his actions and even some of his words tell you.

His marriage and his happiness in it was probably just fine till you came along.

He doesn't love you. If he did he'd leave.

That's just it, OP. You don't know the wife and you are havign a relationship with a liar.

You are a pawn. you have no control over where this whole mess will end up. None. At. All.

You see positives here. Your comments about "not spending xmas alone" and being happy just to have part of him smack of you thinking you are in control of your life. You are very wrong about that, because you are putting your trust in a liar, who you think will protect you if the shit hits the fan. He won't.

Depends on how old the children are, I was only too aware that my parent was cheating at the age of 7. It was not blatant, I just knew. I'd had a very sheltered life up until then as well and there was no furtive text messaging or emailing to stumble upon.

Inconvenient to hear, I know.

'So their father and his OW are dead, and no-one else ever knew why you split? '

That doesnt even make sense?

My husband and I split over a year ago, he had his affairs several years ago and I dont even know who his OW were.

ANd we, like most other parents in the world, sat our children down and told them that we were splitting up because we didnt love each other, we didnt sit there screaming at each other and blaming one another! now that would be one serious f**kup to a child !

You think your kids are stupid?

You think that they will never ever know your father had an affair? Countless affairs? You think they won't find out what you are doing?

So let me get this straight, not only do you believe a man who actively lies to his wife every time he sees you but apparently would never lie to you; you also think that your children will never one day grow up and discover the lies that you and your ex h are tangled up in?

I found out a lot about my mother as I grew up. From other relatives, from friends, snippets of information that made me question. My mother was determined that we would never find out that she had an affair. Yet when you are older you start to piece things together, you remember overheard bits of conversation, you start to talk to your older brothers and sisters, other relatives, people who were around at the time and the truth does eventually come out.

My mother wove a web of lies around us to make out that she was a victim and my father was the evil bastard who had affairs and who was cruel, uncaring and vindictive. We found out that it was the other way round.

I don't talk to my mother anymore. She lost my respect when she couldn't even bring herself to tell me the truth after we found out about all her lies. She still can't tell the truth now. She lives for lies. As a consequence, our family is broken and half her children no longer have anything to do with her.

So yeah, good luck with those lies.