Marriage breakup, an affair, what a mess :-(

[onlyjustgettingby]

My marriage broke up at the end of last year, after years of me being unhappy.

My husband had several affairs during our marriage and by the end I not only didnt fancy him any more, but I lost all respect for him, I met someone else which gave me the kick to leave last year (I didnt leave for the other person, I just knew that it was the end)

I met someone else in March this year, we clicked immediately and the sparks were literally flying all over the place. We have been seeing each other ever since and have fallen head over heals for each other.

I dont want to move in with anyone else, I dont want the kids to have another father figure (they have a Dad) I am happy keeping my relationship completely separate from the kids.

And this is where it gets dirty.. he has a wife and 3 kids. He has a nice life and he loves his kids, and he loves his wife too.

He doesnt want to leave and I dont want him to leave, but we seem to be falling for each other further and further.

I cant imagine life without him, I dont want to live without him in my life, I feel like he is my soulmate and I think that one day we will be together.

I know that what we are doing is very wrong and I know that I will get completely flamed, but I dont know what else to do.. I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere. We have ended things several times because 'its the right thing to do' but then we miss each other so much that we always get drawn back together again.

I would really appreciate some advice. I know the usual, and what we 'should' be doing, but we have tried that and it doesnt work :-(

I don't think they have a "future"! Well, not in the normal sense of the word. OP has already said he loves his wife and won't leave her. But you're right, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the rug was pulled from under them and his wife gave him the boot if she found out.

As for the idea that if he wasn't shagging the OP he wouldn't have another affair, words fail me!

oops slow typing, that was to Fraggle

Hunny you have to find yourself first before you can do that .

". I cant funtion without knowing that he is in my life somewhere."

You need to seek professional help. This is an incredibly vulnerable position for you to be in - and no he eon't leave his wife and you are going to be a wreck once you realise this.

He will be loving this,you say he isn't like that but remember he is duping his wife why would you be any different? You are a convenient shag who doesn't mind him staying with his family. The perfect mistress

I don't see what advice is needed? She doesn't want this man to leave his wife. He doesn't want to leave. She won't end it. He doesn't want to end it. Exactly what are you hoping for from this thread OP?

If it was for affirmation then you're out of luck. You're making a crappy choice which will ultimately break your heart, possibly his heart and certainly his wive's heart. These things ALWAYS come out. Maybe not today - but what about in 10 years when he has a heart attack from the stress of being a duplicitous husband. Fancy sneaking in to hospital to see him, dodging his wife - or God forbid attending his funeral and running away afterwards? THESE THINGS END BADLY

BUt if you don't want to end it fine. Just somewhere down the line there is going to be a hell of a lot of pain. You thought it was bad when you've tried to split? It can and will get worse.

What if you get pregnant? I assume you're not through menopause yet?

Your last post is deliberately denying the reality. The first sentence is staggering in its lack of empathy, although you are trying to sound as if you have some understanding of her position.

Clearly you give not a toss.

Christ Almighty, you've done some number on yourself when you justify this adulterous man's behaviour by comparing it to your shit of an exH's

Read back what you wrote. Does that not seem fucked up to you ?

He doesn't want to leave and you don't want him to. Great. What happens when his wife finds out and kicks him out? Will he be moving in with you? Having his DC at your house every other weekend?

As a betrayed wife, you know how devastating affairs can be for the betrayer's spouse and family.

How disgusting it is that you think little or even nothing of your actions. I could never ever consider doing this to another family.

OP you say you can understand WHY your ex and this guy had/have affairs.

What are the reasons, from your perspective? I'm genuinely interested to know how you justify their behaviour.

Leverette, it's "lurve" innit, so that's ok!

So you understand why your ex cheated on you and you think that makes it ok for your bf to cheat on his wife?

I suppose he's told you all about his marriage problems and why he can't leave his wife and how he's never felt like this about anyone before, that you are the one for him but equally he loves his wife and kids and oh it's such a dilemma for him, how awful it must be to have a loving wife and kids plus a girlfriend on the side.

I wonder why you started this thread? You must have known the flaming you would get?

What did you hope to achieve with this OP? What is it you want us to say to you?

'how can I do this to another woman'

I dont know how to answer that. I dont know her, I suppose I am not thinking about her.

What I have with this man is like something I have never felt before and I know that he feels the same. Some have said that they dont believe that he has not done it before or would again, but I know him. You may say the same about me, but I have not done this before and most definitely wouldnt again.

In answer to the question about pregnancy I cant have any more children, so that isnt an issue.

Sorry, I thought it might make me feel better to confess, probably wasnt a good idea. Im sorry if I have upset anyone.

Wow, there seems to be a very strong MN line on this !

I'm surprised there's not more diversity of opinion.

I've not had an affair and neither has DH so I can appreciate the virtue of loyalty in relationships. But I also don't think relationships can always be for life.
Life just isn't always like that.

I guess I can understand why people find another partner around the time when a long standing relationship is breaking up.

< wonders how much of a flaming I'll get too ! >

If by confessing, you were looking for absolution, then yes it wasn't a good idea to do it here

I am sure you will find somewhere online though to help you justify and rationalise your choices.

He sounds a truly delightful man op, you have swapped like with like haven't you?

Do everyone a favour, before the next time you meet up with this wonderful man try thinking of his wife and kids, your own kids and explaining to their faces how "in love" and unstoppable this tawdry little affair is.

pmsl @ he feels the same. You are heading for a fall

You are a total mug. He will break your heart, hopefully not in the process of breaking his wife and childrens' too.

Reasons for having an affair?

Loneliness, feeling unloved, lack of sex, feeling unworthy.

I know now how it feels to meet someone and feel 'love' and feel loved back. I know how easy it is to stay with someone when you are not happy, because that is the easier option, the boat isnt rocked and everyone is happy.

I know that I wouldnt want to wake up in a house every day without my children.

I know that he isnt truly happy, but I understand why he is going to stay, just as my husband did with me.

As I said, sorry I have upset some.

What you have with this man is a totally unreal fantasy bubble. It may bring temporary pleasure, but it has no value. You do not know the real him at all, and would be wise not to believe the word of a proven liar.

When that bubble bursts, the fallout will be unpredictable and harmful.

The Baggage Reclaim site has lots of good posts about the harm from entanglements with unavailable men.

Juggling - I would say there IS a strong line on people having affairs and keeping that deception going indefinately. It's hurtful, does massive damage and will leave LIFELONG scars on all parties. Of course relationships breakdown and people get in to new relationships with 'over lap'. That's not good - but it happens a lot and anyone would be foolish to judge that because there but for the grace of God and all that. However I think there's a big difference between that and having an affair with no intention of ever making that a formal relationship. Likewise - if all parties know about the shaggeryfuckery then fine, knock yourself out. It's wrong though when somebody doesn't know - and that's what's happening here. The wife is being deceived and the OP's intention is that she will always be deceived so OP and lover boy can get their shagjoy.

You know what op I get the sense that you want to be flayed, i think you are ashamed and feel a tremendous amount of guilt, You accept that your ex had affairs and also the reasons why, wow what an insight he must have on himself and you.

What mysteries he must to impart to you , what self awareness he must now possess on his own inner demons and actions. i dont believe for one minute you are happy, I do believe that you are incredibly damaged and think this is your lot and dont deserve anymore, I think his wife and kids are unintentional collatoral damage, you are in denia but this is your way of keeping your self safe. The thing is op and trust me on this, it wont last, this euphoria you think you feel is false it will crash and burn real soon, because the mental energy that it needs to sustain it is not limitless.

get some help to get some perspective because the clue is in your last post you arent thinking about her? thats because you arent thinking about you either. You are here babe you have re created your marriage all over again.

Yep, as I thought

All you need to do is google "support group" and "mistress" and you will find a huge bunch of equally delusional and self-sabotaging women as yourself

How sad, and ultimately depressingly cliched